The following is a list of things I’ve been wanting to tell you, but can’t find a way to work them into a more meaningful post:
1. The other day, my 8-year-old daughter ran up to me, in apparent distress, and confessed she was afraid she was growing a beard. I’m talking full-blown tears over this potential beard issue. Once I realized she wasn’t joking and I shouldn’t be laughing, I intently examined her face. I’m happy to report I found it to be 100% beard-free.
2. Most days, Elliana is the most joyful person I know. She wakes up and says, “I love my life.” Literally, she says this, unprovoked. I love my life too, but it takes me a pot of coffee and an hour with Jesus to realize it.
3. Last week I loaded a paper cup from Jason’s Deli into my dishwasher. This is why we can’t have nice things.
4. Can we discuss bugs? At our new house, we have weird bugs. I’m talking bugs I have never seen before. Bugs we never had at our old house in the suburbs. Weirder than Florida bugs, even, where we had lizards and scorpions. We didn’t move across the nation, mind you. We moved about 8 miles away from our old house. Why are the bugs so different out here? Does anyone know the answer to this? The grasshoppers are the worst. They are the size of a child’s hand, they are everywhere and they land on you. My son thought they were biting him while he was cutting the grass, but they were just launching off of him. Their hind legs have these jagged edges that they dig into your skin for traction. It feels like a bite, but it’s just a launch. I’m telling you, it’s a Biblical plague out here. I’m trying to figure out what I did to make God mad.
Please enjoy the following pictures of some grasshoppers on our house. I just took these. They are on my house right now. Actually, I don’t think that first one is a grasshopper. What the heck is it???!!!!
5. In college, I once heard a guy play Billy Joel’s Piano Man. On acoustic guitar. During a Bible study. Obviously, this blew my mind because I’m still thinking about it 30 years later.
6. Best fortune I ever got out of a cookie (note: incorrect grammar, which totally cracks me up):
7. My kids attend a summer camp, which happens to be owned and run by Jennifer Lawrence’s family. THE Jennifer Lawrence. She’s from Louisville, you know. And her father is the guy in carpool who sticks his head in the window and asks for the child’s name. I play it all cool, like I rub shoulders with celebrities daily. But inside I’m like, “HI JENNIFER LAWRENCE’S DAD!!!!! TELL JEN I LOVED HER IN SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK!!”
8. Last year at Christmastime, we stopped at a gas station on the edge of town, when out of the little convenience store walked a very ordinary looking girl with no make-up and bleach blonde hair. I said to my family, “LOOK! It’s Jennifer Lawrence!”
My family was all, “That’s not her!”
And I was all, “Yes, it is!”
And they were all, “She doesn’t have bleach blond hair!”
And I was all, “How do you know what color her hair is?”
And they were all, “She doesn’t live here anymore!”
And I was all, “It’s Christmas! She’s here visiting her family!”
And they’re all, “You’re crazy!”
And I was all, “WhatEVER.”
The next day we were watching the local news. And what to my wondering eyes did appear? But Jennifer Lawrence, sitting in the stands of a local sporting event with her family. And bleach blond hair. Thankyouverymuch.
Gosh, what number are we on? Right, 9. The other day, I was walking down my driveway after retrieving the mail, when my sunglasses spontaneously combusted on my face. I’m not even kidding. I felt a little explosion and the lens popped out onto the driveway. I thought I was struck by a meteor or a giant grasshopper. But, no. They just exploded. I tried to Super Glue them back together (because they are like my 10th pair of cheap sunglasses this summer and I actually really liked them!), but in my efforts to hold them in place to allow the glue to set, I ended up gluing my thumb to the rim instead. I lost my sunglasses AND a layer of thumb skin. It was a very traumatic 10 minutes of my life.
10. A few years ago when Elliana was still a mere tot, she was riding in the back seat while I was driving along the road. Suddenly, she started yelling, most enthusiastically, “I wanna talk-a-Jesus! I wanna talk-a-Jesus!” My heart swelled with pride because my baby girl wanted to talk to Jesus! Awwwww….that is sooooo precious and, obviously, proof of my excellent and godly parenting skillz. Just then I looked over at the strip mall we were passing and saw this.
She wasn’t saying “I want to talk to Jesus.” She was saying, “I want Chuck E Cheese’s”
Now, that’s a different thing, entirely.
Q4U: Are grasshoppers seasonal or can we look forward to enjoying them all year long? Have you ever seen a celebrity out and about? Do you have anything random to share with me?