What to do When Someone is Mean to Your Child
This sounds neither motherly nor Christiany, but here’s the deal: I hate mean kids. I do. I hate them. I want to gather them all up by the nape of the neck and flick them in the head, one by one (I don’t want to abuse them. Just a flick.) And then I want to lock them all up in a room, so they can leave my children alone and, instead, live out the rest of their days being mean to each other with sore neck napes. (Again, not abusively…I just want them to stay away from my kids.)
But, that would be wrong and bad. And also, illegal. And not at all like Jesus.
The other night my 12-year-old walked off the basketball court with his head hanging low because a mean kid on his team was mocking him.
“Every time I complimented someone on my team or said, ‘Nice shot,’ this kid imitated me and laughed at me. He just kept doing it even when I asked him to stop. I don’t understand why kids always make fun of me. Sometimes I just feel like the whole world hates me.”
One Mean Kid can make him feel like the whole world hates him.
Mean Kids carry a lot of power.
(Cruel irony: I signed Elijah up for this team to help him gain self-confidence and make friends.)
I don’t normally confront other children. In fact, I can’t recall a time when I ever have. But this incident made me angry and before I knew it, I was marching up to Mean Kid to give him a talking-to.
I calmly (kinda) approached Mean Kid and said, “Hey. I want you to be careful how you talk to my son and your teammates or I’ll be talking to Coach and your parents about it.”
(Oooooh…SCARY! Clearly, I hadn’t planned out my threat. It all happened in less than 3 minutes. I mean, as an adult, what exactly do you say to frighten the crap out of a Mean Kid–that is legal and moral? I’m gonna flick you in the head and lock you in a room???)
Mean Kid immediately straightened up and said, “Sorry, Ma’am.” And then, after what looked like a talking to from his father, he approached me a few minutes later and said, “I’m sorry again, Ma’am.
Oh, you BETTER call me Ma’am, Mean Kid.
I guess I did scare him, after all.
Then I searched the gym for my deflated and defeated son to put my arm around his shoulder and tell him I got in Mean Kid’s face and Mean Kid apologized.
Then Elijah leaned into me and said, “Thanks. I’m so glad I have a Mom who sticks up for me.”
Oh, yes, you do, Elijah. Yes. You. Do.
(Once a kid down the street picked a physical fight with Elijah—even pushing him and grabbing him around the neck. And Elijah threatened him with, “Oh, you just wait, I’m gonna tell my mom. And she does P90X!”)
(True story.)
(I don’t know if he thought I might actually go pummel this kid, or maybe challenge his mom to a push-up contest, or what.)
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I know I won’t always be there to save my children from Mean Kids. In fact, the older they get, the less I’m there. The older they get, the more subtle the meanness gets. The older they get, the less likely they are to come to me. The older they get, the more likely the constant taunting will shape how my kids see themselves.
Since I can’t lock all the Mean Kids in a room, the best thing I can do is equip my children to handle the Mean Kids themselves.
The next morning at breakfast, I seized the teachable moment and gave Elijah a Life Talk.
I said, “Here are a few things I want you to know today:
There will always be mean people. There will always be people who don’t like you. Some people don’t like me. Some people don’t like Dad. It’s just the way it is. Jesus lived a perfect life—Like, He made NO MISTAKES and said NOTHING STUPID, EVER. But people hated Him, still. You can’t change that. All you can do is equip yourself to deal with hate in a healthy, productive way.
But that voice in your head that says, “Sometimes I feel like the whole world hates me”? That’s Satan. And that’s a lie. Not everyone hates you. There are way more people who love you than people who don’t.
Kids are mean for a reason. Sometimes, it’s because it makes them feel strong. Sometimes, they are going along with the crowd to be accepted. Sometimes, it’s because no one ever told them it was wrong to treat people that way. Sometimes, it’s because someone has been mean to them. But almost NEVER is it because of you. Don’t ever define yourself based on the opinion of the Mean Kid.
You should always tell an adult when someone is mean to you. Tell your coach, tell your teacher, tell me. Whether it’s mild, like at basketball practice, or major, like constant taunting and bullying, tell someone. A trusted adult will be able to tell the difference between the two and help put an end to it before it goes too far. And just FYI, I will ALWAYS be on your side.
Don’t be afraid to call the bully out. Kids who privately mock you behind a coach’s back are cowards. It’s okay to say, “Hey, stop it. We’re teammates and that’s not cool.” Say it loud enough for Coach to hear you. Shining light on darkness makes darkness go away.”
Then I leaned across the kitchen counter, looked him in the eyes and said, “If you hear anything I say today, hear this, Elijah. It’s the most important thing I’m telling you: Don’t EVER be the Mean Kid. Ever. And when you see another kid getting picked on, for the love of all that is right and good, go rescue that kid. Go put your arm on that kid’s shoulder and tell him you are on his side. Then go up to the Mean Kid and say, “Stop it.”
Some kids may be getting picked on at school AND at home. Some kids might have parents who abuse, verbally and physically. They may not have a mom and dad who love them and empower them to deal with bullies.
You could change his life if you stick up for him, Elijah. You might be the only one who sticks up for him! Be THAT kid. Be the one who sees the hurting, downcast kid and RESCUES him.
That makes you just like Jesus.
Finally, remember what the Bible says about sowing and reaping. If you sow encouragement, peace, strength and protection in your relationships, you will reap the exact things. You will find yourself surrounded by others doing the same to you and for you. You will attract friends who value the same things you do. God will see to it. God is on your side, son.”
Elijah’s countenance changed. I could see hope in his eyes. Hope that he had power to handle future Mean Kids. Hope that maybe he could change the life of a hurting child by simply sticking up for him.
And hope that if this kid messed with him at the next practice, I would go all P90X on him.
Whatever that means.
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Comment Policy: Be kind. If you are rude, mean or disrespectful to me or to another commenter, I will delete your comment.
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I address many of the issues raised in the comments in my follow up post: More on Mean Kids. I have also tried to respond to as many of the comments as possible. If you want to see how much this issue resonates with other parents, it’s worth your time to browse the comments.
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You just made me cry. First thing on a Monday morning. And it’s not my week for PMS.
As mom to a kid who was so defeated by the mean kids in her world that we needed to remove her from school, thank you. The most beautiful words I’ve ever heard/seen are, “Don’t EVER be the Mean Kid. Ever. And when you see another kid getting picked on, for the love of all that is right and good, go rescue that kid. Go put your arm on that kid’s shoulder and tell him you are on his side. Then go up to the Mean Kid and say, “Stop it.””
If all parents were preaching this same message to their children, the mean kids would be stripped of their power.
Absolutely, Tyler.
And I understand how you would come to the conclusion to remove your daughter from school. There’s nothing that brings out the Momma Bear more than your kid getting picked on.
I have never read your article before; however, I am a mother of two grown children and an educator for over 20 years. Just wanted to add as a parent I think you were very wrong for any adult to approach any child and say anything to them about their behavior. My child were hurt numerous times by mean children and we talked about how that made them feel and used it as a teachable moment about how they treat others; however, I would never approach a child. I normally never approached the parent because most of the time the kids will work the situation out. As a teacher; however, I would approach children at school and discuss the issue with them. Your child will encounter many mean kids and adults in their life, we are to be their safety net; not police other peoples children.
As a parent of two children as well, If my child were mocking another child and it was going un-noticed by the coach and unresolved by the children themselves, I would hope any parent witnessing it would step up and be a parent and a role model. As a parent and educator claiming you would never approach a child and you usually never approached the parent…. How then did you address it? To me you seem part of the problem simply letting the negative, hurtful behavior continue. Why not approach the issue at the root, heart, and exact instant it is happening. Take some control. Establish a zero tolerance for bullying…. Maybe save some kids from becoming mean adults
Sandy, I applaud you for taking RESPONSIBLE action to address the issue. You were not mean, rude or even harsh to the child. You just stated the fact, and let the mean child know that it was wrong. If more adults stepped in and handled situations immediately, this kind of behavior would not continue. Too many people do not want to get “involved”, and “it’s not my place.” Well, when I was growing up, my parents (brought up in a Christian home) taught me to respect ALL adult figures, and that if I had a problem with anyone, to come and tell them! And if we were being corrected by another adult, we respectively abide (within reason of course). My parents always made sure if they weren’t there that they heard both sides of the story. And usually the adult’s correction was justified. (Except one time when a nun spanked me in front of the class, then my mom just about came unglued! That’s a whole other story) Then when I had children, I was always glad when someone came to me and told me that my child was doing something they shouldn’t, because if I don’t know, I can’t correct the problem!! Don’t come to me after months of building fury, and then wonder why it comes to blows with fists! If it can be prevented, prevent it!! It’s time we as parents become PRO-active instead of RE-active!! Children do have to learn a lot of life’s lessons on their own, but we have to teach them how to deal with them first, which is what you did, Sandy!! God bless you and your family!!!
Great read. My mom didn’t hesitate to go to the mean child if she knew they were bothering me or my sis. And let me tell you….I will not hesitate to approach a mean child if they are bothering my children. Even though I want to go all crazy on them, it’s usually “the way you are acting isn’t nice. how would you feel if someone treated you like that.” And kudos for the dad making him come and apologize.
Agreed
I agree.
I’m sorry to hear as an educator Sarah you do not approach a child about their behavior when it is inappropriate, mean or cruel. I truly believe in it takes a village to raise a child. A child learns from each person they react from especially their teachers. As long as the adult confronting the child is not mean or cruel then it is appropriate. When children are not corrected when they are mean to others and they know others are aware, then they think it is ok. I expect my sons teachers to correct him when he is wrong and stand up for him when he is being picked on. I also expect the parents to tell me or say something to my child. I may not have caught it to correct it. If we teach them how to respect each other then there would not be so much cruelty. I do agree we also need to teach our children that sometimes no matter what people are just mean. They should know when to brush it off, when to stand up for themselves, and when to take a stand for others.
Educator or not these things need to be dealt with. I agree it is part of the problem. If I saw my own child being the bully I would have my own talking to with them. You are your child’s only advocate!
You’re right… we can’t be afraid to approach bullies and call them on their behavior. We are always saying it takes a village to raise a child and if a child’s poor behavior is affecting someone so drastically and is going unnoticed by their parents for whatever reason and a coach for whatever reason then it’s up to us to say your behavior is not ok. I’ve approached a child and told her something that was not at all threatening and she cried afterwards because she knows that she hurt my daughter’s feelings. Her mother however ended up coming and attacking me verbally in the sanctuary of our church. That’s uncalled for. When you call a child on Behavior that is true then it should be considered what their parent would do. If my child were acting hateful, I would expect an adult nearby to appropriately approach them and say your behavior is not cool you need to knock it off or I’m going to talk to your mom. It takes a village.
When my kids were coming up I always stood up for them when I knew they were being tormented. Not being the most politically correct person I never spoke sternly. I yelled. My kids told me I was embarrassing. Oh well
Agreed. If it takes a village to raise a child, then it takes that same village to repremand a child. My boys know that if any of the moms of their friends speak to them about their behavior, they listen. Teaching our children to respect each other and other parents is important. I don’t tell them they need to do whatever another adult tells them, but if they are misbehaving, they know that I have eyes everywhere, even when I’m not there. That is the beauty of my village. Bros I to you for being part of that boy’s village and helping him learn right from wrong. And bravo to his dad for witnessing it and having your back.
I totally agree! I have been an educator for 25 years and I have stepped in several times and helped children resolve their conflicts in a healthy productive way. Children need tools and sometimes their parents fail to equip them with those tools and when someone steps up and helps them, to empower them to be their best selves, society wins!
I agree, don’t be apart of the problem, become apart of the solution.
I respectfully disagree. Children or adults need to be told their behavior is hurtful. As long as it is always done in a respectful way. I would expect an adult who saw or heard my child say something or do something unkind to promptly say something. This is the only way they have a chance to learn. Teachers or their own parents cannot be there in every situation. We are all part of the solution.
As the father of 3 grown boys (men now), kudos to the dad in the story for making his son do what was right. Had one of my sons done the same mean behavior, after he appologized (and after we were out of sight) I would have dragged him by his ear to the car for some severe tongue lashing. And I would have instilled the fear of God into my son.
Glad u didnt teach my children…she was absolutely, positively,…..correct. Wish I had a mother like her….Oath Keeper…..
I was reffering to the 20yr…….educator…
Tom Josker, I agree with you 100%. Just because the “educator” had 20 yrs. experience does not make her wise,an expert or an authority on child behavior. I had a teacher like her – for 4 days. After I told my mother some of the things that were happening in the classroom, she pulled me out and sent me to a different school. I wish I had done this with one of my children, in an ongoing situation involving bullying and making fun of him. Unfortunately, I didn’t do it because he never told us. I cringe at the thought of what he went through.
What are you talking about bro
I just did this exact thing Tuesday. I was picking up my grandson at daycare (age 4&5 year olds) and there was a little boy that said “I’m going to hit you, you are stupid” to my grandson. I politely stooped down to one knee on the floor and looked in the little boys eyes and said “No, you are not going to hit anyone. You should never hit anyone & calling people names is not a nice thing to do either. No hitting, or name calling allowed”
My grandson came over to me immediately, and gave me a huge hug and said “I love you grandma”
As an upper elementary educator I know there are often two sides to every story.. Sometimes a child is truly getting picked on and is honestly being kind, and honest throughout the experience. However, more often there is a backstory that parents often don’t see or don’t want to see. I’m not saying there is a good reason or justification to use unkind words or actions in any situation, but I have seen many kids who are not compjetely innocent go home and cry when the other child stands up for themselves or points out a socially unacceptable behavior. If the same situations occur with different ppl involved you have to look at the common denominator. Im also not implying thats what happened here, just an observation of the thousands of kids i have seen. In any case, children cannot learn cultural norms in a vacuum. While it is hurtful and sometimes not right, inappropriate behaviors are often corrected by peers (sometimes learning is rough). I think our job as parents is not to fix it for them but to teach them how to fix it. Teach strategies to handle peers (both kind and unkind), coping methods, etc. I want to train my child to be a self sufficient adult. Although its difficult I can’t always be their hero and come to their rescue. They need to learn how to rescue themselves appropriately…. If I don’t tech them now, when will they learn?
Sometimes, it’s appropriate to let the kids work it out. But our society has moved away from a collective sense of responsibility for each other. If I saw another kid at the playground who was crying, I wouldn’t ignore that child and let him/her work it out. People need to step in when warranted, with adults and kids. As for a 2 sided story, sometimes this is the case, and a smart adult will be able to suss this out and make a decision based on that. But sometimes, there are kids who are just being mean, and sometimes little children are not equipped to deal with it. I see no value in a lesson there. What the kid learns is, no one is helping me. I am in this on my own, even though I don’t know what to do. That’s not a life-lesson I want any kid to learn. I want them to know that we will help them when they need it, and let them also learn and grow independently. So help them out, and then talk about what happened. Sure, there will always be mean people and it’s a useful skill to know how to handle it. But I am not going to ask my 5 year old to figure it out on her own.
I agree there are always two (usually more) sides to the story. It’s really important to understand what happened leading up to and following the bully-like behavior. I think it’s vital to teach our kids to take ownership for their behavior, good and bad. While I never condone bullying of any kind, I most certainly want to know how to equip my kids to read social cues and be relationally responsible so as to not provoke peers. Good point. 🙂
Thank you so much for saying this. The ‘not my child” mentality has gone on for too long. I am not implying this is the situation with the above article at all but I have seen it with my own son. My son, who is 2, was labeled a bully. Another child would frequently grab toys from my son’s hands and my son would react with a hit or push. I always corrected the behavior immediately but the other child would go screaming to his mother. No one would ever see or wanted to see what was happening before the hit or push, so it was never corrected and my 2 yr old got labeled a bully. I know it is total different with 2 yr olds but if you do not start correcting certain behaviors when they are young, they will pick up on the parent’s actions or inactions, they will go on to blame others for their problems or subtly provoke knowing they will get away with it.
Oh my goodness I can’t believe the comments by some of the “educators” on here. It is my job to equip my children as well it is my job to protect them when I need to. It is obvious that there is something going on with the philosophy of some of the educators. You do not simply let their peers work it out. You step up and step in. As a society we have become coddlers. We do have a tendency to overprotect our children. But look around you there are so many bad people out there that were not around when we were growing up. You did not see bullying on the scale tat it is today. For goodness sake children and yes I mean children are taking their lives because of bullying that was allowed to get out of control. We should not have to remove our children from school, the bullies should be removed. I applaud you action in politely approaching the child and defending your son. I would have done the same thing. I just pray that I would have remained as calm and remembered that he is a child and I am a Christian.
My daughter was called a gorilla by kids in middle school. I went to the principal and was told that the kids were just playing around. She went to high school, were others heard these same kids call her gorilla, so of course they began calling her that too. Again, I went to the principal. Again, nothing was done. So are you saying that my child deserved this because more than one child said it to her? I don’t care how you justify it, it is wrong. It is offensive, it is a racial slur and the adults should have protected her. It is the job of the educators to protect our children.
If you see it and don’t react, you’re condoning the actions.
I see a major problem with “teachers” these days who refuse to step in. They always hide behind the excuse that there are two sides to any story. In my experience, there are usually bullies who are very good at manipulating teachers into thinking that they didn’t do anything wrong and it was the victim’s fault, and bullied children who are not believed or taken seriously and get no protection from the adults at the school.
Yes. Exactly.
Jess what if your child is a non confrontational child? He is the kid that listens to his teachers and always has A’s for good behavior. For this very reason my son has been bullied and picked on by other kids in his class. He is not the common denominator. What kind of nonsense is this. Sounds to me that it’s to much for you to deal with students that have bad behavior. That is the problem we have in schools today. It’s easier to turn a blind eye and let the kids with behavioral issues bully innocent kids. How disappointing!
I do not have children, but I am a teacher of 24 years, I have a mother, and I was bullied from grades 5-9–and if going by the general definition in 2014 probably before that, too–and that by a cousin. That said 1) I was raised in an era where parents did in fact address the behavior of other children in our neighborhood (actually, we called it a platte) and in our community activities. It wasn’t considered a faux pas and as far as I can tell, it was never over-used or abused–and things seemed to be more peaceful. So I don’t see any fault here. 2) My mother was (and still is) the kind of mom who would fight a buzz saw if you harmed one of her kids–HOWEVER, what she did for me that was better than anything, is teach me how to stand up for myself and at the same time to forgive. For those bullies, we prayed every evening. This is the prayer my mama taught me to pray: Heavenly Father, I CHOOSE to forgive ___. I let go of bitterness, hatred, envy and strife. I CHOOSE to forgive them because Jesus forgave me when I didn’t deserve to be forgiven, and I pray that you bless ___ and send laborers and ministers across her path to lead her to righteousness. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.” And she told me to pray it every time I felt hatred for these gals. Needless to say, I prayed it A LOT!!! Meanwhile, she also taught me to stand up for myself. I was a fight avoider for sure; by nature, I’m a peacemaker. In one situation, she took me to where the young lady was and made me stand up to her. The girl said to my mother, “What?! You gonna fight her battles for her? And my mom replied, “No, I’m going to make sure that it’s one on one, just you and her, that your girls don’t get involved. And I’m telling you you’re only going to get one shot, so you better make it good!” Still cocky, the girl replied, “Oh, you gonna jump in then and whoop my a**?” My mom, standing about 2 feet behind me, said “Oh, no!” as she nodded her head toward me, “SHE’s going to knock you out with one punch, so it’s only fair that you get yours in first.” It was a surreal moment, but I admit I felt stronger in that moment. And what do ya know? Yep, bully-girl backed down. So, I encourage my nieces, nephews, and students to call the bully out. They will usually back down 3) As a teacher, I will NOT tolerate bullying–I lived through the stalking and the day when “kids will be kids” and “we can’t do anything about it until they harm/hit you” were the daily order. I’ve lived through begging my parents NOT to call the school–and I’ve lived through the thought that I had NO safe place to go, no one to go to in the school. So, I am up front with kids. If you tell me, I will be as discreet as I can be, but I will take this directly to an administrator who can help. I did it twice last year, and it makes me feel like I made a difference. 4) As a parent, if your child is being bullied, you MUST inform the administration and keep anecdotal records of what you shared and with whom you shared it. By law, administrators must take action–and most admins. I’ve worked with have developed pretty good forensic investigating skills and can ferret out the bully without having to use your name–but like every good detective, they need the lead. 5) And, Mom, you are right, the bullying is NEVER about the victim. Some 30+ years later, I have learned that the gals who bullied me were abused and bullied at home, so they were just passing it along. It doesn’t excuse it, but it makes me feel sorry for them that their childhood was rotten–it’s not an excuse and doesn’t make it right, it just makes it understandable. To conclude my missive, I’ll say that at least 2 of my former bullies are now Christians and are FB *friends* who *friended* me!!! Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers them out of them all! 🙂
I just wanted to say I really appreciate your post.
Thank you for your post, and as a 43 year old mother of two boys who are pre-teens…. i’m ready. Between Sandy’s initial post, down to yours, I have learned and reminded myself of the past and the future. Please give us strength to deal with all that life has to offer us, and our loved ones. The good, the bad, and the lessons… Thanks again!
Beautiful – the most rational and loving I have ever seen on this subject
The best I’ve read! True , Godly wisdom here!
Absolutely disagree. This is very against the ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ mentality and MUCH of the reason I feel bullying has become such a big deal. If my child were being a jerk to someone else I would certainly want another adult to stand up and say “Kid, that is not right and we (as a COMMUNITY) will not allow it.” Mom and Dad cannot always be there to witness and police every situation. I want my children to know that everyone is looking out for them AND for their fellow students.
Me too! I always tell my friends that if they see my kids being jerks, to call them out on it, stop it, and let me know. I give pretty much any adult free reign to correct my kids if they deserve it (within reason, of course). Conversely, I have no issue being “that mom” at the park, who disciplines other kids if their parents refuse to.
my thoughts exactly… and every village needs some police 😉
i think it’s healthy for kids to see that there are common ‘rules’ and ‘laws’ that we must follow to show love and respect toward others.
i also have no issue parenting other kids who need to be parented.
Totally agree BUT the problem is that with the increase of adolescent bullies has come an increase of adult bullies. I see more adult women bullying children in our community and on social media than I do children. Its disgusting and sad. How will this generation become better humans if their role models suck at it?
I’m sorry but sometimes a kid needs to be called out by an adult. It obviously worked out just fine.
I respectfully disagree with Kara. I am a 22 year educator and have witnessed my fair share of bullying. As a teacher and as a momma, sometimes you must stand up to the bully. I always watch to see if the problem resolves itself first. However, if it continues on day after day, I stand up and say, “Enough!” Way to go, Mom!
As a mom of 7, and a former teacher, I am thankful to teachers and parents who stop bullying in it’s tracks. I feel that if it isn’t stopped, it will continue and become a problem for years to come. I have had 2 children who were bullies. The first, after years of putting up with it, started cutting herself. The last, just this year, the teacher let me know. Told me what she was doing in the classroom. Told me to let her know what I was doing. I did end up talking to the parents. (There were 2 girls involved) It has become better, and my daughter willingly goes to school now. She doesn’t say she hates school everyday. (Maybe just once every week or every other week) I am very grateful for adults who will take a stand against bullying.
One time I found two boys actively beating up a smaller boy. I knew all three of the boys. This smaller boy was being picked up and pushed into a barbwire fence among other things. He was already a timid, shy child. He was cring and begging to be left alone. There was no way in Heck I was going to not confront those boys! I’ve had children of my own bullied and I learn from my oldest child’s experience never to let it go and assume they can work it out and become friends. The bully just got more cruel and my daughter got depressed, deflated, and even mentioned wanting to die. The bystander effect just makes the problem worse. If my kid was bullying someone, I’d want them stopped and I’d want to know.
I hate to say I somewhat agree with you. I’ve had conversations with bullies, and shockingly their parents were not receptive to my intervention. I would never again have a conversation with a kid without another adult witness. You could end up in legal problems, or you may find yourself in a confrontation with that kid’s parents.
Bob, That happened to me last fall at an 8 year old basketball game when an older brother would not move from the end of the court and was sticking his tongue out at the ref after he asked him to move and the parents ignored it. I kindly went up to him and asked him if he was sticking his tongue out at the ref and told him that wasn’t very respectful. I thought the 6’4″ father was going to pound me screaming in front of entire gym with his wife and children. I just walked away and said “yes I should have said something to you” Gee wonder who’s the bully here, really!! I have a 25 year old and 9 year old and it takes a village. I called them and apologized and he didn’t even have the audacity to apologize for screaming like a child. Will I get involved again? Yes I will if necessary.
Sandy you can’t lock every kid up. I just encourage better friends and if its a questionable one, have them to your house where you can monitor the situation. Talk to the coach about it first. He’s in charge. if he doesn’t respond talk to the parents.
Kara, I would have to disagree – It takes a village. I would however go to both the child and the parent. You must also be willing to investigate and hear their side as well. Children and adults both see their truths through their own filter. The coach must also be involved or needs to find another way to contribute.:-)
We are here to protect our children, and others. I saw a boy bullying another boy in a store. They’d scampered away from the mother and he (the bully- around 11 years old) was obviously taking advantage of what he thought was some alone time with the other boy (perhaps 7 years old). He’d commented on how stupid the other boy was at least 3 times when I’d finally had enough. I told him his behavior was HORRIBLE and told his victim he was nothing his bully said he was. The bully was very upset I’d confronted him and his face turned red. Maybe he will think twice before he berates another child. When I saw him in line with his mother and heard her talking, I knew where he’d learned the behavior. Sometimes it does NO GOOD to talk to the parents. If parents allow their children to run amuck in a store, alone, then I have complete license to say whatever I want to them. It DOES take a village when some parents have no clue what it takes to nurture caring children. Love the blog.
I agree 100% with the author and truly believe it takes a village to raise a child. Kids today are getting meaner and meaner and one of the biggest problems is that there is such little accountability and adults are afraid of calling out other children. You wonder why the juvenile homes and “boot camps” are full? Kids today have way too much power. I’m amazed a teacher would say such a thing! When I grew up you listened to other parents as well as your own.
Kara, I’m sorry on some level for your children. You taught them there were limits to your protectiveness as a parent. I’m sure they didn’t miss that lesson, and learned not to expect it from you. But my children learned the same lesson as many others here. They learned I just would not tolerate really Mean Kids running unchecked thru my kids lives like a wrecking ball. I was never horribly mean or nasty to those kids, but I assure you they and their parents knew to stay away from my kids with that kind of behavior. My kids of course grew up bringing home every stay friend in need of “protection”, lol. I’m not sure if it’s related, but we ended up with a household of professional firefighter/paramedics and nurses.
I grew up in the 70’s and this is exactly what parents did then. They got involved. Teachers and coaches got involved. You never heard of school shootings and children weren’t committing suicide every other day.
So, Kara, have you heard the expression, “Evil prevails when good men do nothing?” Doing nothing is why there is so much bullying in schools today. As a parent and ESPECIALLY an educator, I expect more from you to step in and put an end to the bullying. Shame on you for going all “righteous” on this blogger who is A-one in my book on how she approached things. Sometimes we do things without thinking because God is in control. God had her approach that mean kid and look what the results were.
Well said Sharon, teachers like Kara is what is wrong with our schools system!
I think she had every right in the world to approach that child and or that child with his parents. Kids need to be made aware when they are misbehaving or behaving poorly. and in the day and age there are a lot of parents who sit by doing nothing and let kids walk all over them. I could be in a store and if kids are running. I will say no running please in the store. if I see kids shouting in doors I will say please use our indoor voices when there is a roof over your head. im sorry if you see something you say something. its actually our town motto from our police station. my son and I were going into a fast food place to grab a bit. a small two door vehicle pulled up and boys got out. it was like a clown car. this tiny car who sat four had actually seven come out of it. two were in the trunk of the car. the boys as they began to hold the door for one another and then saw me walking with my cane and my son and held the door; I said to them I cant believe you all fit in that car. I know its none of my business but I want to make you aware please don’t ever ride in the trunk of the car again after you get home tonight and I hope you don’t have far to go. I explained to them that God forbid some other idiot on the rode were to hit them from behind that most likely the two who were in the trunk would be injured badly or worse. and that I was probably sure that all of their parents have explained everyone is to be in a seat and wearing their seat belts when the keys were given. I also explained to them that whomever was driving would be charged and most likely loose their license or face jail time depending on the two in the trunks injuries. and none of their friends lives are worth getting to eat a burger over. my son of course was mortified that I was even talking to these young men or not minding my own business. and I expected a smart remark from them like oh lady you don’t know what your talking about or you don’t know us shut up. but that wasn’t the response I got at all. I got a genuine thank you from the driver and he said I never thought or thought it through none of us did. thank you. thank you for caring about me and my friends. so I have to say I could not disagree with you more that she was wrong to approach a child. if she was disrespectful, yelled cursed or insulted him then yes that would be wrong. she did not. she made a statement letting the child know if he continued his bad behavior she would discuss it with the coach and his parents. she was letting him know his behavior was not acceptable he was acting poorly. ive always been told it takes a village to raise a child. I still believe that.
I am sure you are a very good teacher, but if no other person (namely the coach) is sticking up for this child, we have failed the child. I honestly believe more people should step up when it comes to bullying at any age. If you were on John Stossels “What would you do?” would you just stand there and let the child be bullied?
Sandy, your article is excellent, I have raised my four children, plus raising a niece. I commend you on how you handled the entire thing. Mean kids are mean for reasons, some of the ones you stated and another is they do not believe anyone is watching them or cares. You most likely helped the mean child by showing him people see and know what you do. The other thing, which is dangerous is they don’t care who knows or who sees. These kids grow into real bad adults. Anyway, you go Mama, it is your job to protect your children. NO one else is going to do it.
I disagree with you. If I see another kid misbehaving or being mean I will call them out on it! If their parent is there then I would go and talk to them. If my kid was doing it then I would appreciate another parent letting them know that their behavior is inappropriate. The kid needs to be told that what they are doing is wrong or they will think they can just get away with it.
My son was being bullied on the bus and I went on the bus and kindly told the kids that they were being bullies, I asked them if they wanted to be bullies and if they wanted someone to bully them. Fixed the problem and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Maybe those kids did not even realize what they were doing and how it affected someone else. I hope they were more aware after that and made different choices.
As long as the adult does not approach the child in a threatening way or says anything threatening, I do not believe that it is harmful for an adult to step in and say something. I will stand up for children, whether they are my children or someone else’s child if they are being teased, picked on, or bullied. Children often don’t have the tools to deal with it themselves, to work it out, as you say. If I saw someone call out my child for something they were doing, I would also be having a talk with them about their behavior and they would be apologizing. I was raised that I was not to behave in any way that would make another adult have to admonish me and if that were to happen, I was disciplined at home because my parents would have been mortified by such behavior. Same goes for my kids, we treat others how we would like to be treated.
All that being said, nothing raises the hair on mama bear’s back faster than a mean kid………
For someone who is a teacher for 20 years you have very little understanding of bullying research and child development. Holding a child accountable for their behavior is exactly what you are supposed to do.
I think the most important thing is that she did what her son wanted. “Thanks for standing up for me mom.”
Maybe an older teen would feel embarrassed for a parent intervening, but this is what he needed at this stage of his development and in this situation.
As for ‘not confronting a child’ I believe you are wrong. Had I confronted the bully from the start, my daughter would not have had to go through months of stress and fear at school. For weeks she looked to the teachers, guidance counselor & principal for help. I tried to see if she could resolve it by going through the ‘proper’ channels, but that was futile. It wasn’t until I threatened to bring the police and local news channel in on it did anything get resolved. I assure you, it this should ever happen again I WILL handle it directly with the child and the parents.
Mosie, you don’t need to defend yourself here. You know what’s best with your own child. You are doing a great job. 🙂
Kara, I’m a little more scared that you state you’re a teacher. Constructively I’d like to politely disagree with you because it’s this “let the children work it out” and “don’t police other people’s children” that allows gang violence, Lord of the Flies atmosphere, and pervasive bullying behavior to continue.
Instead we should calmly do what’s right, politely and respectfully. And when we see another parent intervene with our child we should say OOPS, I should have caught that earlier myself, not HOW DARE YOU speak to my precious, innocent little tyrant?
Amen to all those concerned that a teacher is advocating leaving the children alone to work it out themselves. Since when did adults abdicate their right to authority? Since when are the best people to teach our children how to be adults other children? School has become strangely normalized such that children growing up in multi-generational environments are seen as “strange” because they talk well to adults, and children who are quiet, surly, or “popular” are seen as “normal” because they are “like the other kids.” Let’s get back to what is really normal: children interacting across a range of ages, like humans do in society. School –which is taking up more and more of a child’s social time–is not really “normal” in the history of human development. And it sure doesn’t seem to be making better adults. I say this as an educator of 20+ years who gets them in college.
Honestly, if a parent corrected my child, yes, I’d be pissed off, because I’m a proud mama bear. But if my daughter did something that needed correcting, I’d swallow my pride and take it–or talk to my daughter about what went wrong. And if I disagreed with that parent, I would approach the parent. We’re all people here.
I have to say, I disagree with Kara. As an educator AND a parent how can you not intervene? That doesn’t solve anything and allows the bullies to keep bullying. In my opinion, I believe the writer of this blog did the right thing, at exactly the right time, for the right reason, and said the right thing to this mean kid. Kuddos to you momma bear 🙂
Sorry I don’t agree – whatever works. I never had anyone to go to when I was bullied. Had I had an approachable mother or even teacher I would not have had to stuff it and pray for healing a lifetime later. I was too shy and lacking in self confidence to help myself. That doesn’t change overnight. It takes years…
As one of those kids that was picked on and ostracized by all children I encountered my whole life from first grade to graduation, with the exception of maybe 10 kids. I had always wished a parent or any adult for that matter would have stepped in. As I am now in my mid 40’s that was a different time then. And I myself have two beautiful daughters that are like night and day in that department. One is liked by all and the other is bullied and picked on all the time. I am always having a talk with her on what can be done. But for a nine year old standing up for yourself is not easy because that usually draws attention and promotes more attacks from other kids. So, yes I would defiantly hope that if an adult witnesses this kind of behavior would step in, because having been on the receiving end for my whole childhood, no, it does not work itself out.
I don’t think she was wrong. I tell the children that their behavior is either mean or not nice, or if the parents are paying attention, which often are not, I tell them. For you to say is wrong, just makes me wonder the whole “American” way of parenting. I was born and raised in Mexico, and I see how disrespectful American kids can be. I’ve read so many stories about bullied kids, who took their lives to aid the pain, because parents and teachers did what you are suggesting, nothing. They let them work it out, and some choose death instead of speaking out. And it’s heartbreaking, because us, parents should be looking after our kids.
I concur with Elissa! It is PERFECTLY wonderful that parents are willing to “get their kids back”. If it hadn’t been followed up with the wonderful “teaching moment” discussion then there could have been a development of unhealthy dependency. But, Mom’s example and teaching were RIGHT ON!!!! Teachers are often caught up in a system that dictates what’s right and wrong that clashes with the healthy balance of family life. This is one example. Each situation is different and we do our best. Mom saw an injustice and called it out early on. Fortunately, mean kid’s parent caught it and supported what was right! Mean-spiritedness is like darkness. Teaching kids to shine light on the darkness is what our society needs! Way to go Sandy! Educator, that might have worked in your classroom. But, I love Sandy’s willingness to respond well!
Kara, I am very disappointed to hear an educator would not immediately approach a situation that involved bullying, by speaking directly to the bully and/or the bully’s parent. I agree with the statement earlier that said to “call the bully out, because they will back down.” None of us know what really is causing a bully to be this way, but most bullies are cowards and typically back down when called out. I never had a problem with bullying towards myself because I would stand up for myself. My sister and brother would be bullied at times though. We were very poor, being raised by a single working mother. My older sister had a condition that made her hair fall out as a baby and grew up with no hair and had a very shy and passive personality. My brother is just a wonderful individual with an opinionated, yet good natured personality. As a small child growing up and even now as an adult, I have been the person that stands up to bullies for other people. You MUST call a bully out. It breaks their stronghold. I certainly feel the same about approaching a parent, because I would want to know if my child was being a bully, so it would be stopped before it has room to grow. Thank you Sarah, for this post.
So does this mean as an educator that you would look the other way while one of your students was being bullied? If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem in my book. It also takes a village to raise a child. Your “letting them work it out on their own” is the reason we have such high suicide statistics.
With all due respect- I guess- you are part of the problem and not part of the cure.
I think we all as parents or even just part of the human race have a responsibility to help right wrongs particularly done to children. If no one corrects a mean child how do they learn ? Like her or not,maybe we should all embrace Hilary Clinton’s “it takes a village’.
Unfortunately this is the problem in the schools …everyone turns their back on bulling. Oh the kids will work it out mentality is why this problem exits. Nothing gets done until the parent steps in and demands action. As a parent I should not have to do this while they are in school. It is the schools job to not only educate my child but to also keep them safe. The teachers . Coaches, etc can not be everywhere all the time but if a child tells you this is happening take notice. Sure some kids are more sesative than others but when a complaint is made take care of it. Don’t you feel if these kids that are the bullies are disciplined every time this occurs that they would be more likely to stop their behavior. I feel this educator of 20 years is wrong on all accounts. The world has changed and along with it has the people and so should the schools whether it be educationally or socially.
We police our children now so they can learn to police themselves later. Takes a village…..
Love this article so much. This has only happened to us once, and I honestly so dumbfounded that I didn’t know how to respond at first. Thanks for posting this. Totally, totally disagree with Kara. If we don’t stand up for our kids, who will.
Just because you are a mother of two adult children and have 20 years of being an educator under your belt it gives you no right to blatantly tell her “you are wrong”. The way things are these days everyone is walking on egg shells because of statements like you just made…even those in authority (don’t want anyone upset)!
The other day my children were at the park playing while there were other children present whose parents were not with them. My child come over to tell me these children were rambling off numerous cuss words and being mean to them. Did I wait to find their parents? Nope. Did I approach them? I sure did. I find nothing wrong with an adult (no matter their status: parent, educator, etc..) to rebuke children whom are not acting appropriately. Also, if the parent gets mad over another adult approaching their child on their unacceptable behavior I think something is terribly wrong. I understand if another parent cursed and violently threatened the child, but to tell them their behavior is not ok and the next step is to tell their parents or coaches? How is that wrong? I don’t believe it is. T
Well there is more evidence that kids are NOT working these things out these days. 20 years ago, yes. But not in today’s society. And I think you did exactly the right thing. And I applaud you for it. You didn’t smack him, you didn’t curse at him. You told him upfront and simply it needed to stop. Good work. And I would have done the same thing!
As a parent of 2 teen boys, a teacher of 20 years, and one who has dealt with bullies, the bullied, and have had one of my sons bullied, I respectfully disagree. It’s fine to talk to your child and console them at home. It’s NOT fine to be there to see them bullied and not put a stop to It right then and there. Sometimes mean kids will bully others in front of the kid’s parent(s) they are bullying. You are well within your rights as a parent to put a stop to it in the way you did. I could not have been as nice.
You don’t approach the parent and you def don’t approach the mean children and assume it’ll just work itself out AND you are or were an educator? The questions of why has bullying gotten so out of hand has just been answered for me. Ignoring it does nothing.
Kara I would have to disagree with you…as a parent. Sometimes a child doesn’t understand the difference between “playing” and “being mean”. That child may have been just joking around by repeating what her son was saying. After being questioned by the Mom maybe it made him think. Not to mention, that’s the problem with some of these young kids nowadays. NO ONE wants to say anything to them or their parents. Don’t rock the boat…just ignore the bad behavior and maybe it will go away. Well, MAYBE, just MAYBE if someone were to intervene and say something it might steer the child in a different direction and make a difference in their life. If it doesn’t make a difference well, at least you tried. No harm, no foul because if a kid is going to be mean…they will whether you say something or not. It’s also a teaching tool for your own child. It’s ok to say something to the person being mean as long as you do it in a non-confrontational way. Show them that sticking up for themselves doesn’t have to mean being petty or violent. I can’t believe you, as a parent, say ignore the child. As an educator I would think that you would want to deter such behavior even outside of the classroom.
I am a Mom of four, and would have no problem with talking to a child, their parent, and the coach/teacher for being the mean kid. On the flip side, if it were my children that had a mean kid moment, I would want to know. I would like the chance to be a better parent and correct those behaviors. As long as the other parent remembered that they should talk calmly without cursing or physical touching, I wouldn’t have a problem with them correcting my child. I would still like to know about it though. Applauds for how you handled the situation. We need more parents like you!
Thank you, Sheila.
Approaching the mean kid doesn’t mean you are being hurtful to him. It in fact help him notice his mistakes. Often mean kids feel their actions are anything but mean. As adults it is our responsibility to help them understand what is happening. Not talking/approaching him or the parents would be the worst thing you could do to a mean kid and to others around him. Some teachers have this type of mindset, but you must know that from the perspective of the parents as well as the victim kids themselves, such teachers promote bullying by knowing about it and not taking any action. As simple as that!
Both my husband and I come from a small town where everyone looked out for each other and if a parent saw you doing something wrong they would step in…that included teachers. We were expected to be respectful of one another and to treat each other right. A teacher that looks the other way and thinks kids will work it out is being naive. Kids must be guided in the right direction and I would hope that if someone saw my kids being mean or doing the wrong thing that they would help. “Children need to learn to take responsibility for their actions so that they do not become adults believing that nothing is ever their fault.”
Actually, the parent was at that practice and did nothing until the kid tried to whine because she told him to stop. Then the parent sided with her and made him re-apologize. I don’t see anything wrong with her defending her son. The one who cares will step up for right. Usually it’s also the same person who would run towards trouble to rescue that same kid. If my child is out of line and another adult has to speak to her, she knows she’s misbehaved and will answer to me. And I still think parents should keep their children in line as well. I would have done the same. We can’t teach our kids to stand for what’s right if we sit and just watch wrong happen in front of us.
Too many adults have this attitude that ‘kids will work it out’ or that ‘someone else will deal with it’. ‘I shouldn’t step in since my kid won’t learn to deal with that situation’. As someone who was bullied all through school and now sees others bullied, using the same methods, IT DOESN’T WORK ITSELF OUT. EVER.
Get involved. The behavior exhibited by ‘mean kids’ is not ok. If you are a teacher in a school and witness bullying, you CAN do something. Citizenship grades exist, do they not? Make an example of the bully right there, in the moment, and let them know their citizenship grade has just been docked for the term. If they repeat the behavior going forward, they get docked again, and have a “U” in your class for the term due to the behavior exhibited in YOUR CLASS, which is in your control to a degree. The only way they can remove that “U” is in a meeting with bully, victim, both parents, and an administrator.
I respectfully disagree. A child should always feel that there is an adult that they can go to who has their back. Bullies and mean kids rely on the victim NOT telling an adult. This is what gives them power. Why would I ever relinquish my responsibilities as mom to a teacher, bus driver, counselor, etc.? God gave my child to me, not to them.
Amen!
Kara this is my 25th year teaching and I have 2 children of my own, one in college and one in high school. I would want anyone to speak to my own children if they were mistreating someone. I think you are the one who is wrong. I believe we All need to stand up to bullies, as a model for our children as well as to teach bullies it is not acceptable. I think she handled it beautifully, in an age appropriate way. It is my job to protect my students as well as any other child I see being bullied. Just like I would stand up for any child being abused by an adult. How sad that you did not believe in this as a teacher.
You cannot teach your own child to stand up for what is right, while not doing so for them. I miss the days when people had respect for authority and elders were authority. My daughter knows if another adult has to verbally correct her behavior, it wasn’t acceptable. Most parents do not enjoy a verbal reprimand from another adult. However, I see a need for exactly this time and time again. Parents go to the parent of instigator with issues; parent asks child; child says no I didn’t do that; parent responds to other parent with my” child doesn’t lie” or ” you’re child started this” etc etc. The problem may never be resolved and the child will lose faith at a young age in authority and justice.
It’s not as if she physically attacked the kid. She informed him it wasn’t okay. “Hey. I want you to be careful how you talk to my son and your teammates or I’ll be talking to Coach and your parents about it.”It’s not a threat of harm but a way to remedt the issue. Isn’t that what happened in the old days? Someones mom had an issue with a kid they went to their parents. The parents then took care of it. I wouldn’t care if someone said that to my kid. Now if anyone laid hands on my kid that’s another discussion entirely. Talk is cheap if it works if not certainly move to the coach and parents. Kids need to know what’s okay and what isn’t okay. Maybe this mean kid will have learned from the situation and turned a new leaf.
So you just don’t want/like confrontation. That’s part of the problem!! If you , I, or the teacher never say anything to bullys who will!? I will approach any child, parent, person, animal or whatever to keep my child safe! From mental or physical harm. My daughter is very respectful and loves no matter who or what you are!
I didn’t see it as policeing as she dared to address the incident. I wish more people would speak up when people are not being nice to each other. Thus my respectful disagreement.
So no one else has the ability to correct a mean kid than an educator? That sounds very elitist and entitled. You can best be betting I’m going to stuck up for my kid, whether their educators like it or not.
I disagree with your stand against an adult not speaking to a child. As a child myself, I was accused of mistreating another child, and that child’s mother confronted me. Honestly, I don’t remember mistreating that child, but you can rest assured that I would never have done that especially after being confronted. That child had no father and the mother was only protecting her child. The schools can’t do a thing anymore, so I guess it is now up to individuals and parents to right wrongs in certain cases. Don’t be hard on this mom. All she did was threaten to tell the school or the parents. What is so wrong about that???
Kara, I understand what you are saying. We all have preferences on how to raise our kids. However, I often wonder if the reason the “meaness” seems to have gotten worse is because we have gotten away from the ” it takes a village to raise a child ” mentality. I personally hope if one my children is saying or doing something they shouldn’t be and I am not there to witness it, that another parent will step in and say something. We all know that kids are going to do things they shouldn’t and do it when they think they can get away with it. (Not always because they are mean but because they are kids) Kids have so many activities these days and are away from their parents more often than not. I think that we owe it to each other and society to step up when needed. I think the Golden Rule can and should be taught by everyone.
I am sure there were teachers, coaches, referees and plenty of parents present who heard the child and did nothing which is very common in schools now days. I would have stood up for my child and evidently it helped not only her child but the bully. Don’t critize unless you are doing a perfect job policing your students.
I too am an educator and a mother of 4. Any evening at our local playground you will find me reminding boys to stop throwing woodchips and stones, intervening when a group of boys has run off with a younger child’s bike helmet. And yes I have threatened to go get some parents when behaviour has escalated too far. I have treated them in the same way I hope someone would treat my child in my absence and they are showing behaviour that is unbecoming to what we expect of our children. Turning a blind eye to a child who needs help or intervening when another child is being cruel to another is ludicrous advice. As soon as it happens in front of me…the responsible adult, it became my business… the second it happens to MY CHILD…I will make no excuses for how I handle their protection. Obviously I would not harm the child in question but informing them of consequences and desired behaviour are completely appropriate ways to deal with it. They are kids…they are learning and it is the adults around them whose job it is to teach them what will and will not be tolerated. I am not sure what kind of educator you are but it doesn’t sound like you are being successful in this area. I would seriously rethink what you would do if a child is being bullied in front of you or hurting your child. Really? You don’t believe another adult has the right to step into this situation and handle it from a mature perspective when cleary it has become a bigger issue than the child alone can handle?
I think you are completely wrong and it is people like you who are empowering “mean kids” to continue their horrifying behavior. This is why there are so many lroblems inside schools now, because for some reason ” it isn’t okay to approach a child about their behavior ever”! Seriously what is the world coming to?
This is exactly what’s wrong with today’s kids! God forbid an adult hold them accountable for their behavior, be it their own mother, teacher or someone else’s mother. She was absolutely right to hold this kid accountable because obviously no other adult was going to. In my day the adults always got involved and we may not have liked it, but we knew that if our parents weren’t watching our behavior someone else’s was and we knew we better by gosh watch our P & Qs or we would get the wooden spoon when we got home. It is our job as adults to look out for ALL children like it or not. Glad you weren’t my teacher
Damn straight I would approach someone else’s kid! At least she did it calmly and respectfully. I have no problem speaking to other’s children. As an educator that does not give you the sole right to talk to other’s children.
Would you tell someone else’s kid not to litter in your yard, not to wipe boogers on your furniture, or not to kick your dog? Certainly. Then you should also let children who are depositing lies into your child’s mind, crossing physical boundaries, or any of the other hundred ways kids can be cruel know that their behavior is unacceptable and will require speaking to their parent, teacher, or both. Bullying only exists because it is tolerated and too slowly responded to in the home and at school. Weany parents and teachers produce weany kids with weak minds that the devil uses as his playground!
I agree with the choice to confront the mean kid- you did so in a nice way. One comment mentioned they disagreed with this, that you should have gone to the parent. In my experience with dealing with mean kids, most of the time the parent would do nothing and proclaim that their child would never do anything like that, thus the mean kid would continue. As the only advocate for your child, you need to do what is best for them in each and every situation.
Kara, I disagree. Don’t we all long for the good old days when the whole village helped to protect and raise the children? That means calling those kids out. Show them we care about what they are doing. But, of course, we should be even quicker to tell them when we see them performing good deeds.
And, she did mention it wasn’t the best idea to confront the kid. I’m proud of the dad for admonishing him and making him apologize. Sometimes we need a jolt to realize what we are doing is not acceptable, so we can correct it and learn from it.
Kara
I disagree you are part of the problem not addressing the child or parent . I was bullied back in the 70’s in school and the teachers thought it should work itself out . it DIDNt police itself out or get solved on its own. These girls were mean horribly mean . My mother finally had to threaten a Law suit on the school before they took action on these girls but the damage had already been done to my confidence etc.
my daughter a few weeks ago who is 12 was bullied by a girl and after school I spoke to her politely and told her if it happened again I’d talk to the principal and her mother . I will not put up with the behavior or subject my daughter to the hell I went through as a child in school.
I must say that I respectfully disagree with you to a point. I too am an educator, with 4 children of my own, one of which has high functioning autism. If the parent of the “mean” kid intervened, or the coach stepped in and put a stop to it, then there would be no reason for the victims parent to step in. However, if no one else stepped in to put a stop to it, then I think the mother had every right to intervene. She wasn’t abusive or hateful, she simply told the child to watch how he spoke to the other children, and not to pick on her child. If she were yelling and/or threatening, or placed a hand on him, then she would certainly be out of line. But that was not the case. If one of my children were to behave in that manner, and I were not there to deal with it, I would hope that another parent would step in and put a stop to the situation. Just my opinion
It takes a village. I completely disagree with you.
Disagree with that. Some kids will not have anyone correct them, and things that are unheard cannot go unaddressed. If a parent is there, talk to the parent, if not talk to the kid. I’ll stick up for any child that’s being bullied, even if he is not mine. Respect is something that kids are not familiar with today.
So disagree with you on her speaking to the child. She behaved in an adult manner without bullying the mean kid. It takes a village and the more we all work together with kindness and respect the better all of our children will be and we can hopefully help raise a better generation of adults
I would like to reply bc as a fellow educator and speech pathologist for 20 years as well…you would not be acting as an adult to not inform a child that they are being cruel, mean or causing harm to another child, animal or adult. There is no social law or secret that should discourage adults informing and modeling in an appropriate tone and manner. I would always take the stance that mean children and misguided children and victims -require those of us over 18 to be adults. Although this can be hard and maybe make some people uncomfortable I believe the bredth of research and current education push is to intervene, appropriately. It is our human obligation. Dr. Mcevoy has 25 years research unspderscoring the need for adults to intervene.
.http://marciamcevoy.com/about-dr-mcevoy/
– simply put – to let kids work it out is weak. On the adults part.
So it is the rightful duty as a teacher to ensure other people’s children are behaving in a respectful manner toward one another. But a parent should not intervene or give guidance to another persons child when they have caused hurt and upset? I would “police” anyone’s child if I witnessed them being disrespectful or mean to someone, even if it wasn’t my own kid.
I agree the most effective thing we can do is teach our children skills to cope when things are tough and we aren’t around to protect them. But I also feel that unacceptable behaviour shouldn’t be tolerated and can be dealt with in a constructive and considerate way.
As someone who was bullied (verbally) on a daily basis throughout high school and raised by parents who neither taught me coping skills, nor intervened by approaching the mean kids or their parents, I have to say it’s taken me a long time to understand that the way I was treated was not my fault. And it was not until my late 20’s that I began to have the confidence to speak out against upsetting behaviours. I am now 32 and very well liked and respected by my peers, superiors and subordinates. I will raise my children to have the same. But it won’t take them so long to get there because of my guidance as a parent and adult.
I am not trying to personally attack anyone. However I feel It is this mind set that allows and encourages the “mean” behavior. Children need to be accountable for their behavior so they can learn to admit when they are wrong.
I too, am a mother of two grown children and an educator for more than 20 years. I can see your point–it possibly could come across as an adult trying to bully a child. However, I think there is a wonderful lesson in an adult going and talking to a child. It immediately places the child in a learning situation, and if the adult speaks respectfully and specifically to that child, the child then learns how to act like a responsible adult. Responsible adults don’t talk behind people’s back, instead they work out problems face to face. This child with the mean behavior hopefully learned this.
I would put one caution–don’t talk to any child in a private setting; protect yourself from allegations that might say that you were harming the child. Approach the child from the standpoint that you want to teach the child, not have combat with the child.
Personal story. When I was about four years old, older children told me to go up to the next black woman I saw and say,
“Howdy Nigger!”
Not knowing that it was a mean thing to do, I said it to the next black woman I saw. Instead of going up to my mother and telling her what I did, she spoke face to face with me. She shook her her head and said,
“And you looked like such a nice little girl too.”
Her words and her sad look, are forever blazen in my mind. I am so grateful for that woman teaching me that day that my behavior was unacceptable.
An adult, saying the right words at the right moment to a child can change lives.
I don’t agree. Kids don’t work things out a lot of the time. If bullying continues, a parent should say something either to the bully or their parent. I also believe in letting my kid punch your kid in the nose if they won’t stop their belittling behavior. Sometimes letting a child learn a few protective tactics empowers them and gives them confidence to dare protect themselves. I do feel that my child should not be a mean kid…ever. But taking some brat down can do a lot of good. I raised nine children so am speaking from forty years of raising children.
It takes a village. PLEASE call my child out if he is being mean. If we as adults can’t trust other adults what message are we sending our kids?
Totally disagree. You’re teacher side/rules side is showing. My father was a principal for 34 years, I was certified to teach (never taught, the money was hardly worth the crap teachers have to put up with now) as well and to me, this situation was the perfect example for a mom to step in. It’s not always perfect but sometimes it is. I know in my community if a mom said anything to one of the children along these lines and called a child on it/threatened to tell their parents it would end. Maybe it depends on your community, but thankfully our community welcomes parenting as a village.
Wouldn’t want you to be my child’s teacher. To let any negative behavior go on and NOT say anything is doing an injustice to both children.
When I was a child (in the 80’s), our teachers were amazing! They would make notice of the bullies and confront them, as well as their parents (yay parent teacher conferences). Many times the parents are not aware that their kids are jerks to others, and many times those issues actually never get worked out. Bullies in grade school grow into high school, then adult bullies. People need to take off the PC blinders and HELP the problem, not facilitate it.
Very Respectfully,
A Concerned US Military Veteran
I know this is an old post, but what a horrible perspective!! My weeks are filled explaining to other children that they’re out of line when I see my poor son’s face look like he’s been slapped due to cruel kids ripping toys out of his hands, pushing him or whatever else they do that’s wrong. The caregivers are rarely around and if they are, they don’t seem to care that their kids are being terrible. This is my child and no one, no matter what age they are, are allowed to hurt him like that. My comments are typically along the line of, “this is a public place, you need to share” or “he was playing with that first, give it back” or when my son was shoved, I yelled “hey!” at the brat that did it. I think society has become far too lazy with adults on their cell phones instead of teaching moral conduct to their children. It’s up to the moms and dads that care to step in.
I totally agree with JB. It is not appropriate for the mother of a 12 year old to confront a child in that manner. The mother should’ve talked to the coach and let him handle it, or better yet, let the 12 year old handle it. The mother had no business talking to that child that way. She is an adult, and that child- mean or not- is just a child.
I would have to respectfully disagree with you. As a parent and especially educator I believe it’s your duty to make sure and stop meanness anytime you see it occurring. Especially by approaching the child who is being mean. If not how does that child ever learn his actions are not acceptable. And then of course you talk to your kid as well after. I believe she handled it wonderfully well. And I’m glad my daughters teachers would stop any meanness they saw in it’s tracks.
Kari….i strongly disagree with u not approaching a child or parent….n letting them work it out on their own!!….my opinion…but u have been totally brushing the situations off when u should be taking a stand against bullying n showing children that being mean or abusive will NOT be tolerated….u should enforce that being a 20yr vet in the education system. But i would like to know what u would do in a situation that happened to me recently….your looking out your kitchen window at kids playing football n glance over to see ur 10 yr old son throwing punches back n fourth with another boy that has been picking on him for a while n this boys brother is also trying to swing on ur son…ur proud of ur son for actually sticking up for himself n fighting back against the bullying n u watch for a bit until u see ur younger n much smaller 6yr old son trying to take up n help his brother that is fighting off two bullies and ur younger son approaches one of the boys with his fist balled up n telling the boy to leave his brother alone n without a thought this much larger boy knocks the crap out of ur baby n he goes flying across the yard n lands on his butt n his back on the dirt….mind u …u r still watching all this from the window hoping they will work it out n gain some self esteem…..but now Momma Bear….what the heck would u do?…would u really just go out there n tell ur sons that its not ok to be mean n brush them off n send them back out to the lions to play n not say anything at all to the boy that could have severely hurt ur son????…..im just curious how a 20yr vet would have dealt with that….cuz i will tell u this much im not Jesus n the momma bear came out in me….yes i should have thought before i reacted n sorry to say that i didnt but i got in that boys face n told him if he ever put his hands on my son like that again that i dont know that he shouldnt find a very deep hole to crawl in n hide n his momma might need to do the same since obviously the parents teach their kids that its ok to talk back, yell, n cuss other adults….but needless to say me n the other momma had a lot of choice words n had to walk away before we both got put in jail….didnt end on good terms…..loving n protective momma bear….Tiffani
Of course run out and stop it
I agree
My son is currently dealing with a Mean Kid on the bus. The bus driver doesn’t intervene and my child is feeling alone and discouraged. He came off the bus close to tears the other night because the Mean kid was mocking him and calling him a snitch. (My son told a grown-up that another child on the bus was being bullied by this little tyke monster and the bully found out, now his rage is directed at my child). My husband walked down to the child’s house to talk to the mom and she said my child should have stayed out of her child’s business. Turns out the Mean kid has a mean mom. Surprise, surprise!
Of course, he does. 🙁 That’s okay…I’m still so proud of your son for doing the right thing. I’m sure the kid who was being bullied is so grateful, too. And, I bet when Mean Kid grows up, he’ll be thankful your son, too. Well, done, Mom…you are raising a great kid.
If we don’t do something to correct the children who have little to no respect, it’ll adversely affect everyone’s future. It’s now 4 yrs since your post, and we’ve had deaths of children inside our schools. Teachers can’t teach. Morality and character is more important traits than anything. Sometimes telling an adult makes the situation worse, but if the other students stand up for the one being bullied, it changes the bully and protects the innocent.
I do t think it’s a cardinal rule not to scold other kids (though generally it should be avoided).
When I was about 9 I did something “bad” (but not that bad) while at a friends house. Her mom found me and scolded me. I knew I was wrong and I was impressed that she dealt with me directly instead of going to mom. (I don’t think she ever told me mom). It me feel more responsible for my actions.
There is a bully at the playground where my husband takes the kids. No one speaks to him. Not his mom (who is nice, but not very authoritative), not the other parents (even though they all recognize his bullying) and not the kids (who are young and probably been told to “be nice”). Mostly we stay out of it, but one time my husband couldn’t take it and was stern with him. He seemed to change his behavior immediately and change his behavior when my husband is near.
You never know – maybe no one is telling them what’s not okay and they need to hear it from someone .
Heck yes I’m going to speak to the meanie! It doesn’t matter what age the person doing wrong is, speaking the truth in love is ALWAYS the right thing to do.
Disagree. That s why there is so much bulling in schools is because teachers turn a blind eye on it. I was a child in school in the 60 s and 70 s. I saw kids bullied and some kids can t or won t fight back. Thank God adults do step in.
I disagree with KARA. The do nothing approach is why parents are forced to take their children out of school. School faculty and educators aren’t speaking up. Too many people are afraid to speak up but I am not. I applaud you any other person that defends the defenseless.
You must be the perfect teacher. No school staff at one of my child’s school ever ever resolves a single thing.
IMO adults should correct children when they hear or see bad behavior. When they don’t witness it first-hand they need to consider the severity of the offense…Was it a group of kids ganging up on one kid? Is it ongoing abuse? Is it violent? If so, intervention after the fact is called for. When it’s a milder offense, like this one, you either talk to your kid about what they could do differently next time or the kids should be encouraged to fix it themselves. Seems like you could have just told both boys that they are supposed to be on the same team and need to work things out or others would get involved. Expect things would have worked out the same — except that your son would have gotten the apology…and he’s the one who deserved it.
Totally agree! Great first step advice! We had a couple kids from the same family bully one of mine. We prayed, hoped, silently forgave and I counseled my child for FIVE YEARS!! Then I FINALLY approached the mother with a very kind explanation of what my child had been going thru, including MANY incidences I had witnessed myself, and asked her if we could try to work on this together. She spoke to her sons, then came back to me saying her son denied it all, that he’d never lied to her before, and that she believed her children did none of it. Boy did we have more tears privately at home. I tried one more time with the mother and she said my kid was too sensitive. So we just quietly left the group (it was a small homeschooling group and made up most of our social life). I and my children learn so many painful lessons from this, including the fact that homeschooling social life is not any better than anywhere else (!!), that I waited WAY too long to intervene with kids that were not my own, that some parents will be in total denial no matter how kind, compassionate and understanding the “victim” family is, and that some people care more about appearances than solving real problems. Ouch, ouch, ouch. We also learned we could step out, put our social lives totally in God’s hands, as God’s to choose our friends, and be alone for awhile until new, and REAL friends came along. I am still somewhat cautious and gunshy from it all, but my kids have totally bounced back and have made great friends in several other circles. So proud of them! AND when something seems to be going downhill with their friends, they stand up and say “that’s not Godly” or “what you are saying and doing makes me uncomfortable,” etc. and it has helped in a few situations! And if I witness something sooner, I impart wisdom and intervention sooner, rather than letting the problem become cancerous. Then it’s up to THEM whether they wish to stick around and deal with the problem or run away in denial. Either way, the old advice to speak up respectfully now before problems get worse is tried, true, and the best way to go in my book!!!
sorry, typo…that is “ask God to choose our friends”
Kara, by not saying anything to a bully is only making the problem worse. It takes a village- as an educator, you should know that. The author did exactly the right thing.
I’ve actually considered removing my 16 yr old son, not just because of mean kids but teachers too!
When my son which is now grown was in the 2nd grade he had another boy twice his size punching him and calling him names all the time. when he told the teacher they punished my son for tattle telling. After my son came home with bruised arms and a bruise on his cheek I asked what happened to him. He finally told me about what had been going on for months. I went to the school and their response is they don’t have time to keep kids from fighting each other and they haven’t seen these things themselves. I told them that my son didn’t do this to himself and that it is their job to protect him when he is at school and that the next time my son tells on this kid and he is punished instead of the bully; I would come down to the school at every recess and watch. When I see the boy hitting my son, I am going to take the kid to the wood shed even if it means my going to jail! my son had no more problems after that!
Just read some of the replies and most thought that it’s fine for a parent to approach a child. Does anyone realise that there are parents out there who actually do more harm than good when they approach the “Mean Kid?” They are emotionally charged and just might be seeing the situation out of context as well. Maybe, maybe not. Once I was at a ball game where my middle school daughter was performing on a dance team. There was a “Mean Girl” in the stands who seemed to be loudly mocking the performance. I was incensed and almost approached this young lady, which would’ve mortified my daughter, btw. I later found out that there was a lot more of a back story than my own limited perception gave me and I would’ve been completely in the wrong and would’ve done more harm than good if I’d approached her, especially since my mama-bear hormones were leading the charge. And then I’ve been left to pick up the pieces when a parent, who was fueled by said mama bear hormones, approached my daughter and blistered her in a situation in which she only saw the surface of. After the whole situation came to light, there was a logical explanation and, thankfully, she apologized for overreacting but my child was still in tears and reeling from her outburst. So I guess I’m just saying, be very careful to make sure you are not letting anger/indignation rule and that you are clear about all the circumstances that are in play. Yes, the overall point of teaching our kids to treat others as Christ would is vital, but please remember, as parents, if we approach kids, which I’m very hesitant to do unless I’ve given it a lot of prayer, then make sure you’re following the WWJD advice as well.
My granddaughter is being bullied in school by a mean boy she is 12 he says stuff to her like you know you have aids and one-day you will die from it or you sleeping with every guy in your class ..
I couldn’t agree more! Both my girls are being picked on at school. My first daughter because she went to a birthday party that two other girls didn’t get invited too and now they’re being really mean to her. My other daughter is getting picked on because she is a Christian. I enjoyed your post. It certainly makes us mama’s not to feel alone in this too. God Bless!
So what happens when that situation is present and it’s done exactly how it is written and now the mean kid has went and told lies to their mom and was just yesterday threatened by the mom while daughter snuck up behind my daughter and hit her twice what do I do as a single father
Sandy, to be honest, I have never read your blog until today.
I can not express how dead on you are and pin pointed how this Jesus loving Mom feels.
My son is 12 and is smart and talented, not athletic at all. He gets picked on constantly and we have often fought the battle of dealing with the mean kid. I have also confronted a mean kid on his behalf. This kid needed to know that I was watching, listening and PRESENT. I wasn’t going anywhere. I just introduced myself and said it’s nice to meet you. That was all. It was enough for that particular mean kid. I often find myself having the same talk you had with your son. Reminding him, perhaps, the mean kid NEEDS JESUS. Always, be a representative of the King you serve.
Thank you for your heart and post! < Brigitte
I think your approach of simply introducing yourself to the kid is BRILLIANT. Much better than my knee-jerk reaction of “I’m gonna tell your parents.” I will most definitely be implementing that tactic next time.
Thank you!!!!
Thank you so much for this! My daughter is picked on and has been for years by the same kids. This year she is FRIENDS with a couple of them. I told her that is fine, give them the benefit of the doubt but by no means do I want her to be friends with them and stand by while they are mean to other kids. That was a few weeks back. She is no longer friends with this girl because she and her little crew (in 4th grade) decided to pick on another kid. My daughter stood up for her and now they have turned on her once again but it’s ok because my child knows how to handle it. I am going to read her this when she gets home. THANK YOU again and I have never read your blog until today but I will from now on! 🙂
Teirsa I don’t even know your daughter and still I am proud of her! She may have just changed the “picked on little girl’s” life whether she realizes it or not!!! Good job Mom!
Nowhere in the bible does it say that jesus was perfect. That he never made mistakes in fact there is a whole chunk of jesus life that was not written about or should I say I clouded because the church didn’t want it in like other books. Blaming Satan for every bad person and thing that happens in your child’s life is not a solution. This article started great and took a cap turn.
Hebrews 4: 14-16
“14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
I did not blame Satan for every bad person. I blamed Satan for the lie that says, “The whole world hates me.” That is a lie. And the Bible calls Satan the Father of Lies. So, yes, I blame, Satan for the lies.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen! He obviously didn’t comprehend what he read. I was going to explain it to him but I doubt he would comprehend that either. Plus, you don’t need me when you handled it perfectly 🙂
LOL.. That is awesome. People really need to read the book before they try to make presumptive comments about it. Way to go Sandy. Scripture does not lie.
Amen!
So totally agree. Satan is the great Liar!
I have a daughter who has been tormented all through highschool and some of the lower grads. We have gone to school with it with out a lot of help from staff . She comes home crying a lot she don’t want to go to school she pickes her self until she bleeds. She has scars from it. This year she will graduate frome high school and she is so happy about that. she has a high level of autisim she is very smart a great speller, reader,loves to sing a great voice with or with out music. She has problems with her peers great with younger kids . She got all A,s one her report card this quarter,and she is main streamed in regular class rooms except math she needs help in just to stay on task.
KJV: Matthew 5:48–Be ye therefore perfect , even as your father in Heaven is perfect.
Did you read the entire article or stop at that point? If you had continued to read, she just stated that that is the voice in his head and not to listen to it. She didn’t give it to him to use as an excuse, in fact she went on to give him more tools to use for mean kids. I thought this article was dead on. I’d like to take it to school and have all the kids there read it and write a reflection on this behavior. Well written and done!
Luke 2:52
And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.
He was not born perfect; he grew into His divine perfection. But when He began His ministry, He was a perfect Man.
April, Which translation is this? I have searched over 10-15 and yet have it say what you wrote above. Here are some examples of Luke 2:50-
NIV: 49 “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?”[a] 50 But they did not understand what he was saying to them.
51 Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. 52 And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.
The Message: 49-50 He said, “Why were you looking for me? Didn’t you know that I had to be here, dealing with the things of my Father?” But they had no idea what he was talking about.
51-52 So he went back to Nazareth with them, and lived obediently with them. His mother held these things dearly, deep within herself. And Jesus matured, growing up in both body and spirit, blessed by both God and people.
NKJV: 49 And He said to them, “Why did you seek Me? Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?” 50 But they did not understand the statement which He spoke to them.
Jesus Advances in Wisdom and Favor
51 Then He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was subject to them, but His mother kept all these things in her heart. 52 And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.
JC, I think you are asking where April got the second half of her comment and I think that was her comment after the verse. I may be wrong, but that’s how I read it.
Jared I agree. When will people stop blaming satan and start taking responsibility for themselves? The kid needs to know that it’s insecurity and not some “bad guy” entity. If the child can realize that he/she needs to change the way they think and have confidence in themselves then a whole new world will open up to them. It’s nice that the author takes up for their son but she wont always be around to fight his battles. We are rising children who will try to find someone/something to blame instead of tackling the problem head on. Just my 2 cents.
Well, I want to know when will people stop taking words in this post out of context and actually read the entire thing before thinking that I blamed Satan for the behavior of anyone???? 🙂 🙂 🙂
Just kidding. I had to talk to you in the same tone as you talked to me to show you how immature that sounds.
Anyway, Please read the post again. I was talking about the lie my son believed that said, “Sometimes I feel like the whole world hates me.” That’s a big fat Mc-Liety-Lie! The whole world does NOT hate him just because kids pick on him or make fun of him or exclude him or whatever. When our kids take these incidents and then translate them into giant image-making “truths” (which is actually a lie) about themselves, then we need to go to the source of that lie. The Bible calls Satan the Father of Lies. When he lies, Jesus said, he is speaking his native language. So, the originator of that lie–of all lies–is Satan.
And, did you see that this was one of several things that I said to my son? I’m pretty confident I DID tackle the problem head-on and from multiple angles. The only problem I was addressing with bringing Satan into it was the lie that was damaging his self confidence and framing his identity and self-worth.
You’re right. When someones starts thinking like that, he DOES need to change. Only I believe the change occurs on a spiritual level, with spiritual weapons. How can he even fight the thought if he does’t understand the originator of the thought?
Now, if you don’t believe the Bible is truth, then nothing anyone says here will convince you. That’s cool. Just say that, instead of taking words out of context.
This particular blog entry wasn’t even about fighting our kids’ battles, but instead instilling them with the tools to be able to do it themselves! What I took from it was WE are all worthy of the love of our King, and it is important that our kids know that. Satan doesn’t make the mean kid mean, he is only following temptation to be so for whatever reason…wants to be “cool” like the other cool kids who have high power over others, feels insecure, doesn’t get love at home…those are weaknesses that Satan uses to creep in with temptation and a lot of us give in. I think the ignorance of some of these posts is absurd and annoying! WHY DID YOU READ THIS BLOG IF YOU AREN’T INTERESTED?!?!? I truly think this story was an amazing read for parents! I will definitely pass it along to my sisters who are also raising young kids. Thank you 🙂
“Bad guy entity” Elvia? You do realize this is a SERIOUS problem with kids, right? Maybe, just maybe if more parents were involved with their kids on a daily basis to teach them & model for them HOW to love one another, respect each other, care for people, and take pride in being a parent, this sort of thing wouldn’t reach the levels it has. For example, some kids have killed themselves because they believed the things mean kids said, and felt like no one cares! And we aren’t “raising children who will try and find someone/something to blame instead of tackling the problem head on”, that’s just the nature of kids. It’s our job as parents to teach our kids how to take responsibility for our actions, how to deal with problems in a positive way, and how to treat others. Like I said before, the parent is the model, and it’s up to the parent WHAT you model for your children. Do you want to model good behavior patterns or bad behavior patterns? The choice is yours. But just remember this, what you teach today is what you have to deal with tomorrow.
It’s not about blaming Satan, its about choosing Satan to lead your life.
IF Jesus did sin then that means he died for partially sins sins and not just solely ours. I don’t believe that. He was Snow White, flawless, virgin, perfect and that’s why it hurts my heart so much that God gave up a perfect son for all my badness. Thank you Lord for accepting me when I don’t deserve it!
Heb 5:9; I Pet 2:21-22; Heb 4:15 jesus was perfect.
The Bible is complete. The devil is real.
Hebrews 4:15-We do not have a high priest that is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet with out sin. He was perfect!!!!
Actually it says he is without sin. He was tempted constantly and never gave in.
The Mean kids would be gone! think about it. if everyone raised their children to know the love and light of christ and how to emulate them in the most simple ways, how that would change the world….
I don’t think there is a thing wrong with having to write that 100 times. Might be the one thing he remembers from now on. She should NOT have bullied him to the other students, but there was nothing wrong with the task he was given.
A very simple exercise to use in illustrating the hurts caused by bullying is this: Have each kid take out a clean new piece of paper. This paper represents a person. Then have them fold it over and crease it a few times. Each crease represents a hurtful comment directed at that person. Then have them scrunch it up into a tight ball. This represents continued bullying. Then ask them to open it back up and smooth it out. No matter how hard they try, they cannot take all the “scars” away caused by the bullying! Takes 5 minutes and a “visual” lesson may remain in their memories longer than just talking to them.
I like visuals. Great idea!
Make that piece of paper a heart shape. After using this illustration at school, one child came in looking sad and told her teacher, “My heart got wrinkled this recess.”
another form of this:
hold in your own hand a crisp, new $20 bill (or a 50, or 100, whatever) and do the same talk. crease it, fold it, wad it up, step on it, rub it in dirt etc. Explain that each one of those marks is made when someone is mean. Then, pick it up and ask if anyone wants the money. Of course, everyone you are addressing will want the money. Then tell them that no amount of bullying changes what they are worth to God (or to you, for that matter!) and they keep their value no matter how “damaged” the world thinks they are.
Awesome!!!
I have enjoyed reading all of the comments. If something worked for a certain situation, how can it be wrong to use? Every situation is different. Every one simply gave an example and what the outcome was. Just read and use the ones that fit your situation or your personality. Every way of taking care of a bully is good if the problem is solved. The 1st child was told to return to the site and say, “I’m sorry”. That was a win-win for all. If the parent gets upset, you can either walk away or say, “I’m sorry if my behavior bothers you. I didn’t know where you were and felt the situation called for immediate action”. When in a crowd, there is sure to be a witness. Some adults don’t know what to do or say. If you keep your ‘cool’, most things settle down.
God didn’t create the world in one day. When I moved from teaching 1st grade to 3rd, it involved moving to a different part of town. It took me 1 1/2 years until the children truly believed I would listen to both sides before making a decision on discipline. Most of the time, I asked them what was right or wrong in their behavior and would they like to be treated in that way. The outcome was usually made by them. The biggest problem I had was getting other teachers to take the time to listen to the children. Knowing what to do and say depends on the actions of the 2 involved. Sometimes, I had to bite my tongue and wait until they stopped explaining.
Being an adult isn’t an easy job. Being a kid is even tougher! The thing that works for me is trying to be a good model. Be honest. Let them talk. More than likely, it comes from home and how the bully has been brought up. Some parents were not given any guidance. Some kids are simply “green with envy” because they don’t get the love your child receives. They want attention, but don’t know how to get it.
Be patient. Give your love to others. Be a good example. Share your family to those who need something positive in their life. If we join together, the world can be a better place to live in. You’ll never know what wonders you or your child can help create until you try.
Thank you for this post. It is difficult for adults to know what to do with a bully or “mean kid” so imagine the difficulty a child has.
I love your points and appreciate the article. I will be using these pointers…
You might also try telling the mean kid “hey good insult”. It might stop him in his tracks.
I really hate to be a wet blanket here but as a Christian woman who raised two very intelligent, sensitive, unselfish, loyal children while my husband served in the US Navy, I did my best to coach my children through taunting during little league games and being teased just for the sake of being mean and annoying all the while praying for strength and the right words feeling the pressure of what it is like to parent children alone while my husband was out to sea for six months at a time. When our son was in the 7th grade a boy in his class, a “popular kid” (he was raised in the area and played Pop Warner football), jumped our son from behind, flipped him onto his back, sat on him and beat his face while our son was wearing his glasses resulting in broken glasses, open sores on his ears, in his mouth and on his face inflicting a huge headache. The principal called and said that after interviewing the aggressor he told me that the reason why my son was jumped from behind and beaten was because “anybody that looks like that deserves what he gets.” (tall and wearing glasses). I did not run to his aide. I thought that if Mom showed up in a middle school that he would never hear the end of it. I asked the principal if his band teacher, a man, would mind spending time with our son after the principal assured me that he thought that our son was ok. I paced the sidewalk until he got off of the bus a few hours later and after talking to him for a few minutes I decided that he needed to be checked for a concussion. The next day, after visiting with our neighbor whose father was the local magistrate, I reported the incident to her father’s office. The aggressor was sentenced to community service, he had to write a letter of apology and to pay for our medical expenses. The middle schoolers heard about what happened and most of them started pushing our son around in the hall shoving him into lockers and ridiculing him for the rest of that school year. Our son went from an A student to an F student. We were in hell and no matter what we did we could not pull him out of the depression and anger that sat deep into his heart. Our son did not tell us how bad it got for him for fear that we would do something that would have made going to school even worse on him.
All of this happened about 10 years ago. I am sharing this because I want younger mothers to be wiser than I was. I also want you to know that our daughter grew up to be a teacher and you should know that “mean” kids might be high on pot or alcohol from home or perhaps they are abused by their parents or perhaps their father was a jock who is proud to have raised a son who beats up the smart kid who is tall and wearing glasses. You never know what home life other children have and in what frame of mind they arrive to school in.
Did your son finally recover emotionally? I am sorry for your suffering.
I just want to through another teachable moment out there. The world is full of mean kids, yes. The world is also full of kids who have social and emotional disabilities. They have overly sensitive fight or fight reflexes and often don’t consider the consequences of their words. This mean that is your kid upset my kid, not on purpose, my very sensitive and reaction driven child is likely to pummel your child with hurtful words. He may even start to push or slap. This is a natural reaction of him and we are working on it. Have been for years and oddly enough *this* is him getting better at handling that sort of social encounter. Does it make my kids reaction ‘okay’ or ‘right’? No, of course not. However some understanding that he can’t help his reactions and he is still learning would be great.
There are also kids with social disorders who are brutally honest. Honest to a fault. They don’t understand ‘white lies’ or social diplomacy. Their words can be hurtful but they are still learning.
Another complication with social disorders is obsessions. My kid will talk and talk and talk about one subject and doesn’t read the cues that the other person is bored. We are still teaching him those. I will be the first tell you that this can be a frustrating trait. It also causes tension between him and other children. He comes off as a know it all at times. Correcting others and arguing his points without thought of whether or not the other person want to hear it.
These social/emotional delays will be carried through out life. We can help them adapt and learn but it takes time. A LOT of time. Some understanding would be fantastic. My point is, not every bully is a bully. Do not go to the child. Go to the child’s parent or teacher. Why? Because if you are yelling at and correcting this child on a skill they have not yet mastered, you are now the bully. You just cut this child to the core and the parents are left to pick up the pieces. The parents need to handle the corrections. So, you have your teaching moment with your kid and let me have my teaching moment with mine. You have no idea what is going on with that child who just seems like a ‘jerk’.
That is all I ask. Always let the school/parents handle the ‘jerky’ kid. You just don’t know.
SuperMom,
Thank you for your response. I resonate with everything you said, because it sounds like my son is a lot like your child. We deal with all the things you mention here. As a result of my son’s often inappropriate reactions and lack of attention to social cues, it makes him a target for teasing, ridicule and meanness. I’m usually the one pulling my son aside and instructing him on all the ways he could have responded or behaved so as to avoid the harsh reaction in the future. I often lead him through apologies to other children and adults. It’s a long, laborious process.
In the scenario I described in this post, I had observed the dynamics over weeks of basketball practice and games. Because I normally have to correct MY child, I was closely watching to monitor his behavior and help him blend in the team as much as possible. The “Mean Kid” in this situation was the leader/popular kid on the team. There were other kids on the team that followed his lead, no matter what he did. While I cannot be 100% sure, I’m fairly confident he does not suffer from social disabilities.
Anyway, it was time for me to step in and say something. And it ended up being the exact right thing, all around. It was awkward and not well thought out, for sure. I probably wouldn’t handle it the same way int he future. But in this case, it did end up helping the Mean Kid see his actions were hurtful and that other parents were watching.
Plus, in the end, he was very kind to my son.
And you are 100% correct…every bully is not actually a bully. Amen.
Thank you for writing this. It reminds me that we are not alone in trying to help our children deal with mean kids.
My son is 13 and in 8th grade. He went through a tough time last spring in his small Catholic school, due to incorrect medicine for ADHD and Generalized Anxiety. We stopped and changed the medicines as soon as we saw him having trouble. In the meantime, however, he acted out inappropriately a few times. The school tried to handle it, but didn’t do a great job, and most of the kids in the grade knew what had happened. We hoped, however, that my son’s longtime friends would stick by him and try to understand. (Catholic school kids, nice Christian families…) Instead, we found a bunch of text messages from a couple of these boys saying mean things to my son. His contact with these kids was mainly limited to school from that point on, although they did contact him a few times over the summer and he spent time with them on those occasions. He started school at a different school this fall for 8th grade, and had not seen these kids. So on Friday, he was invited over to one of the kids’ houses before a community event. My husband dropped him off, and immediately these boys started in on my son. They said things about his height, added horrible bathroom “stuff”, and then went outside and locked him out of their house. Thankfully, my husband left his cell phone with our son, and he called and my husband went to get him. This is 5 months after the trouble at school last spring, and they have seen him in between, with no problems. I was in tears the entire night (while at a school event with my younger daughter!). I sent a message to one of the mothers, who responded that she wasn’t sure that had happened. Another mother called me and told me that she was going to get to the bottom of it and that her son would be apologizing ( that mother is the principal of the Catholic school).
I’m so happy to have found this blog post, because it has helped me know how to talk about this with my son. He’s trying to move past what happened, and will no longer see those kids again (although I guess he may wind up in high school with them). I, on the other hand, am still so upset by what happened. I wasn’t there to say anything to these kids. My son is a quiet, kind, and very sensitive child, who has never hurt anyone and does not criticize others. I feel like my heart has been torn up.
Elizabeth,
You did the right thing to contact the other moms. Most parents want to know when their kids treat other kids badly. And these kids need to be held accountable for their poor choices. My heart aches with you over this behavior. My son is also in 8th grade this year and also has ADHD. It sounds a lot like things that happen to him. It hurts. I’ll pray for you and him today. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. 🙂
as a mom i read this my son is 12 and daughter 11. i cried and laughed because same thing ive done and would do. it help a lot too to hear that not alone dealing with the same issues and gave helpful things to add to do..thank you
mother heart
Hi Sandy I totally agree with what you did I too would have no hesitation going up to a child and letting them know that their behavior is inappropriate I have done it myself..
My 14 year old daughter has lots of problems with bullies at school boys and girls and i cried when i read this, I have over the last two years cried over her, been furious to to point i have had to go to the police and the education board, its not funny when other children think its ok to make another c hild life a misery, I have always told my daughter to be nice to everyone and she is but she herself told me the other day being nice doesnt work , so I am in a dilemma I told told her today be firm but nice , dont take any crap off anyone , I wonder why some children are so cruel it not fair I try to teach both of my children always be others friends help others out when they need help and never be horrible to anyone because we should treat others how we would like to be treated who knows maybe i am giving the wrong advice because my daughter gets picked on continually, I have now got her involved with planetshakers church and she is a different child with a lot of confidence so hoping this will stop eventually
Totally agree!!! If all the good kids stood up to the one bully all power would be lost! Loved this article!
This is an amazing post! Great advice for any parent to give to any child! Bravo! It’s not always that easy but it’s ALWAYS the best way to start! Jesus is always the answer. My 2 daughters are now mom’s themselves but I remember when they were youngsters and any problems arose re another person be it a bulling situation or another that they weren’t sure about, WWJD was always used to solve the problem! Time to break it out again!
You said exactly what was in my heart ❤️Thank You Borh❣
This is exactly what more parents need to see.. it breaks my heart to see kids being nasty to other kids for no reason. My problem is that if I go and stand up for my kid he might get embarrassed… and say mom you’re embarrassing me … This is heavy on my heart I need to know how to deal with this. My son is 9 is is so kind and loving he doesn’t even know when kids are being mean. He still calls them friends and it just breaks my heart
I have one of the sweetest most loving sensitive 6 year olds around but for some reason he is viewed as odd by his peers and their meanness affects him tremendously and it is heartbreaking to me. He is such a great kid and so kind and giving I am truly at a loss but your article has helped me remember that the devil is a liar and my son is exceptional and I will continue to teach love and compassion to him.
Wow, thank you so much for such a positive and helpful article. I am in tears. Your a great Mom!
Blessings
Agreed 100%!
Thank you, this is just what I needed to read. My son just confided in me that he is being mocked by a mean kid. I’m like you and want to go to that mean kid and confront him. My son though begged me not to say anything. I want him to continue to trust me and be able to come to me with these issues. Not sure what to do.
Wendy
I wished it wasn’t 4 years later, I would really love to know how the move with your daughter worked out.
My daughter is 13, gorgeous, bright, talented in the arts and rejected by all of her peers and it’s defeating her. She has two therapists, a doctor for antidepressants and, still, the rejection.
I cannot wrap my head around it. Not one child will wrap their arms around her. Not one child will be her hero.
I’ve often questioned, I would say Alexa, come on, not everyone hates you, but she will have a “friend” and this so called friend is not quite what she (we) were hoping for.
Today she text me from the bathroom, balling her eyes out because the table that she finally landed a seat in a couple of weeks ago literally ousted her. I was unaware that this had been happening all week. On Monday a boy said to her, “You are sitting in my seat” (mind you, she had been in that seat for a few weeks) she spoke up and said, “No, I’ve been sitting here for weeks.” He said, “Why are you at this table anyway? You don’t have any friends here.” The so called friend said nothing. Then another boy spilled his drink right on her brand new outfit. While she was up getting napkins to clean up this “accidental” spill, the boy snagged the seat.
Today, she tried to sit at that table once again, and a girl literally swooped herself under my daughter and sat down on the seat. For the LOVE OF GOD, I wish this would stop!
These bullies are from the more affluent part of our township. Two middle schools were combined at the beginning of the school year. They came into her school and now she has nowhere to sit and have lunch.
I’ve spoke to the school about this several times, but it seems that it goes in spurts… a few weeks she has a seat, and the next thing you know she is on the outs with the new friend.
Continuations education for educators needs to step it up. The future is not looking good here.
Great mom advice! And I’m with you on wanting to have the non-Jesus reaction. Good for you for speaking up! And even better for you to lead by a great example and have such an honest, uplifting talk with your son. Filing this one away:)
Thanks, Mindy. We’ll see what happens tonight when we encounter Mean Kid at the basketball game.
You guys just don’t get it. The more you intervene, the more your kids are going to get picked on. Making that poor kid on the basketball court ashamed for trying to be funny just makes him hate your kid. His words and your son’s feelings are two very different things. DON’T intervene!! It teaches your son that he doesn’t have to solve his problems – momma’s gonna fix it all for him. And what about the “mean kid”? Do you realize that he’s probably insecure, embarrassed, and just trying to fit in? That he probably gets yelled at at home? You are a grown woman, attacking a poor kid for making insensitive jokes, and you expect that you are a picture of Jesus? What if HE was your son? How would you feel if some random adult started in on your son? Don’t you think that’s a little worse than another kid on the court making obnoxious comments? You’re right. You don’t make a good Christian. LOVE that other child, just as much as you love your child. Then you will be a picture of Jesus.
I do agree that sometimes stepping in can make the situation worse but if your child has made a serious effort to get the problem to stop with no results then adults need to step in before someone becomes extremely abused.
Lydia if child was being a bully I would have no problem having a parent call them out. Every situation and child/parent/bully is different and I believe she did the right thing in this case. Also sticking up for someone being bullied is never the wrong thing to do. She didn’t “attack the poor kid” and personally I think that child needed to hear that it was wrong/not nice. Kids that are not taught the difference between right and wrong need to hear it and her son also needed to see someone speak up for what is right, whether it was his mother or not. My daughter looks up to me and trust I have her best at heart. She would have wanted me to do the same thing, knowing someone cares and the world doesn’t hate her. There are tons of mean people out there, having each others back isn’t a bad thing.
I do not agree with you in some areas, Lydia. There is nothing wrong with defending your child. Even Jesus defended children when he told his disciples to let them come to him. The disciples were seeing the children as a bother to Christ’s ministry instead of a part of it. She did not make fun of the child either, she just told him that she would tell those in authority about his behavior, which was not acceptable. We, as parents, are to teach our children to defend themselves and other, but we are also put in a place of responsibility to help them against those that would hurt them. However, you are right that we do need to show love as well, but love does not permit people to treat others in old way they please, that is a false view and goes against Scripture. Sometimes love is confronting a wrong behavior and saying “I see what you’re doing! It’s not right. If you don’t make a change, there will be consequences.” If this mother had belittled the child with angry names and screamed and ranted, then she would not have been acting like a Christian. What she did was responsible. Leaving a child to be bullied by another when it was done in her presence with a “Hey, kid, handle your own problems!” is completely irresponsible.
Just want to comment that Sandy didn’t attack the child. She simply reminded him that people are watching, that his behavior is unacceptable, and that higher authorities will be involved if he continues. She actually modeled very good problem solving for her son. Why does helping her son mean she’s handicapping him and making him co-dependent? Wasn’t she SHOWING him how to calmly deal with a difficult and immediate situation? Even though she felt mama bear and anger, she showed her son it is possible to behave in a controlled and constructive manner in the heat of the moment, b/c sometimes we don’t have 10 minutes or an hour to calm down first and get a cool head. In this case, she had to deal with it in the moment, the go cool down after. AND she had to have courage to do it in front of a crowd of other adults and children. In this case, both she AND the dad intervened. When we teach our kids to share (and show them with our own behavior), when we insist they use good language, when we model for them how to shop at the grocery store, balance our budget, clean the house, etc. are we making them co-dependent? Of course not, we are showing them how to problem solve, how to care, how to be good people. As he gets older he will be stepping out into his own life and will have good, clear, helpful memories of how to deal with bullying and be able to use those. Plus, every time we help our kids in an age appropriate way, we are loving them, showing them they are worthy of love, and reminding them to be loving to others. I don’t expect my 5 year old to be great at sharing, tho I often encourage her to do so. I do expect my 15 year old to be pretty good at sharing, and am more surprised if/when he doesn’t. Do I take things out of his hand and help share for him like I do my 5 year old? No. Do I verbally encourage and sometimes insist that my teen share if he’s having trouble? Yes. Do I let him go through the thought process and make a decision? Yes. If it is an ultimately selfish decision, I point it out and help him see if he’d like to be treated that way. He always ends up sharing So I have to walk with him a little of the way, sometimes. Jesus walks with us adults, right? We as adults need help too, so why is it arguable that we abandon our kids. WE don’t want to be abandoned by Christ when we struggle….Anyway, just trying to illustrate some of the differences of implementation, and that the teachings and support (in appropriate ways) are always important, our whole lives. Also, just want to say that Jesus IS perfect, he is God. And from the Bible scripture quote above, you can see he was without flaws. Indeed, we are not always perfectly Christ-like, as we are not Christ himself, we are flawed and fallable human beings. So we need Christ’s help and look Him as our model and our guide. Being angry doesn’t mean we are not good Christians. Being angry just means we OJBECT to something. Being angry is just a feeling – it’s valuable information – that tells us something is WRONG. Then hopefully we engage the brain and do something constructive about it. Sandy was respectful and right on. If she had to take it to the next level, she would have and it would have been her right and her duty to do so for the sake of her child and all those that are severely mistreated in school. No, this child’s tauntings were not THAT bad, but they were persistent thru an entire game in front of a crowd – so the child had nothing standing in his way, knew it, and was unbothered by all around him. He was FREE to be as mean as he wished for as long as he wished in the future. UNTIL someone stepped in. Sandy was right to step in early and put a solution to the problem while it was small. Did she hit the child? No. Did she insult the child? No. She simply corrected him. If adults here on this forum cannot even accept correction being given to a child, how can we expect ANYONE to accept correction? It’s not any different than having one’s grammar corrected in front of the class, or a math problem corrected, etc. We all have to be able to accept correction when we are wrong or out of line. If my kids was being significantly bad (such as making fun of another kid, fighting, etc.) and I wasn’t there, I would definitely want his mistake and his limits pointed out to him by a responsible adult! Case in point, I was teaching a religion class when my middle school aged son S., and one of his friends, M., started making fun of another child in the class, N., calling N. “teacher’s pet,” etc. under their breath. This went on for several minutes, was loud enough to be detectable by me, the teacher, was totally uncharitable toward N. who was excited about the class, answering questions, etc. I had NEVER seen my son act this way, who is normally not a mean spirited child. So about 1/2-way thru the class I pulled both my son S., and his friend M. aside and pointed out how rude and disruptive they were being, told my kid how disappointed I was, and that he was going to straighten this up and consequences were coming. That night we had a long talk about how unkind my son was, and how much time he wasted and distracted the other kids not to mention how his behavior tempts more kids to behave in a delinquent manner. This was 1&1/2 years ago and he has never repeated that behavior again. I know b/c I homeschool! People can attack Jesus all they want, like someone above said, He was perfect and there were many who still didn’t like Him, who spat on Him, who tortured and killed Him! It should come as no surprise that, as we walk in darkness, others will attack us for having morals and standing up for what is right. USE your teachable moments. Don’t waste them! Go moms and dads! And teachers!
I don’t think just telling a kid that you heard the things he said, and will talk to coach or parent about it is really as horrendous as you are making it seem. You may be right that a mom/parent/sibling that interferes too much may become a reason to continue to mock the kid, but she also prepped her kid for future encounters. Not everyone who picks on others is being mistreated at home Either way, the fact that someone cares how their actions affect others is a good message to send to kids. Loving that other child means helping teach right from wrong. It doesn’t mean tear him down loudly and publicly, or call him names, or tease him back. This mom didnt do any of those things. She told him that his actions were inappropriate. Teaching and correcting can be very loving. Hopefully we would all correct our own child if s/he was acting this way too.
I believe that too much is left to the teachers and coaches to handle these days. Sandy was right to tell that mean kid to stop. I would have loved to have a parent defend me when I was young and harassed by others. And sometimes a child can handle it themselves, but when it get so bad that their self worth is deflated, it is OK to step up and introduce yourself or mildly correct the mean kid. Good going Girls.
If an adult told my child off for bad behaviour I would think my child is getting exactly what he deserves. You asked.
Just to clarify…I never “told the child off.” I simply approached him away from the team and told him to be careful how he spoke to my son and the other teammates or I’d talk to the coach and his parents.
Lydia- I agree with the fact that we need to equip our children with the tools to stick up for themselves and let them figure it out. But they also learn by example, monkey see-monkey do. If they see us do nothing, they will learn to do nothing. I can completely relate to the author, I also have a problem with ‘hating’ mean kids and have done my best to only intervene when absolutely necessary. That doesn’t make me a bad Christian or Sandy, it makes us human. No one is perfect. She is being honest about how she feels and trying to help others dealing with the same demons. Who are you to judge anyone?
Yes, definitely appreciate honesty!
Monkey see, monkey do can also be applied to you hating the “mean kids” though, right? Won’t this hate translate to our kids?
I mean we have to be honest we have hate in our hearts but shouldn’t we then pray to ask God to help us love those we don’t want to love?
No one is perfect is right-including this “mean kid.”
I just think we are being very protective mamas and papas and don’t want anything bad to happen to our kids, which is natural.
There is definitely a time and a place to step in and help. I am just concerned with all of the hate that is breeding.
I think we can be honest with our kids about our hate and model repentance and love and grace. It is definitely NOT okay to just take abuse. I’m not saying the loving thing to do is nothing. I’m just saying I think there is a component to our stories we can’t ignore and that is WE ARE ALL THE MEAN KID AT SOME POINT. What do we do with that as we teach our kids. I just think it’s dangerous to get into a mentality of “us good people” vs. “those mean people.”
I pick my battles. My daughter prefers to handle things on her own until the behavior of the mean kid escalates… Like when she was choked on the bus with her owns scarf; when mean girl #2 kicked open the bathroom stall when my daughter was pulling down her pants; when mean girl #3 pored hairspray in my daughters water bottle; or when mean boy spit in my daughter’s face. All these instances violated her personal space, so I intervened.
Renee, You are exactly right. I also think that kids do need to learn how to work through their problems, but only to a certain extent. I think you outlined the time to intervene beautifully. I tried to let my son work through his own issues at school, but things escalated. I attended meetings and tried to solve the problem, but we ended up taking the blame. My son now goes to school online and suffers loneliness. Dealing with bullies is so frustrating and often the authorities really don’t comprehend.
Wow Lydia, I think a small scolding, after her son tried what he could, to a child really isn’t worth all the outrage you’re having. Did you exhibit this bullying behavior because of abuse, Projecting much?
If my son was being a bully and I had no idea, I would appreciate any adult telling him to stop it, even notifying me so I could have a talk with him. Abusive parents can take a step (or six) too far and that is bad, but it doen’t make this woman a bad person IT MAKES THOSE PARENTS BAD.
As for picking on him more cuz his Mom stood up for him? I’d say that shows the kids character, and willingness to hurt. That comes from bad examples or frustration and neglect.
To Lydia: Are you nuts? If my kids were being mean to anyone I would be grateful for a parent to step in and say “hey! Kock it off”! if I were not there to dovit myself. There is a difference of having fun and trying to fit in with bullying. That mean kid needs to learn the difference and that it’s never ok to ignore someone when they say stop!
Lynda, you are obviously raising a mean kid if this caused such a reaction in you.
I’ve wanted to scratch the eyes out of some mean kids, but left it to my son to solve on his own with some behind the scenes guidance. Well, this year (3rd grade) mean kid pulled my son’s pants down in the middle of class. You bet I stepped in at that point! Obviously, mean kid has no respect for my kid’s wishes and wasn’t heeding what my kid was telling him. I made it VERY clear if that mean so much as looks at my kid again I will be pressing every charge I can. Mean kids never getting called on their behavior is why they NEVER stop. Mean kids’ parents being in complete denial that their little angels would do anything wrong is a dereliction of parental duty and exacerbates the problem. The few occasions I’ve been made aware my kids weren’t nice they had a heafty consequence and had to make ammends. I want to know when my kids are stepping out of line, and am completely ok with another parent pointing it out (calmly) to them/me. If another kid is mean to my kid and I sit back and do nothing it teaches them to be a victim and that no one cares about their plight. I was an adult, and married, before I felt like I had someone in my corner. I thank the Lord everyday for sending my sweet husband to me so I could learn what it felt like to have someone on my side. Now I can pass that blessing on to my own 6 kids.
I am sorry your son had to go through such humiliation. And I’m sorry you never felt like you had anyone in your corner until you were married.
I just think it is harsh to accuse someone of having a “mean kid” themselves. I had a similar reaction to the article (my comment is below). Kids are mean for many reasons. They are little sinners. I’m a big sinner. Just think we should be careful not to point fingers and get mean ourselves.
Lydia: Personal attacks toward me are not helpful. We can have a discussion about this, but this is my space and I reserve the right to ask you not to attack me or other commenters. Thank you. 🙂
I am not a parenting expert or an anti-bullying expert. Just want to clarify that from the get-go.
At the risk of sounding defensive, I never attacked anyone. I never raised my voice. I approached him privately, away from the other team mates. I do not find this approach to be “unloving.” Confrontation and love are not opposites. This is how Jesus told us to address sin. (Matt 18:15-18)
I was the first one to admit my “hate” and thoughts toward mean kids was not motherly, Christiany, legal, good, right or like Jesus. I wasn’t trying to paint myself as a model Christian (unless you define model Christian as a sinner fully reliant upon God’s grace–then yes, I am that) as much as tell a story of one incident that happened with my son.
This is not the only conversation I have had with my children about how to treat people. This was one incident. Total time elapse…maybe 15 minutes.
I know my son. You know your kids. Each of us is different. Each situation is different. In 16 years of being a mom, this is the first time I’ve ever confronted a child following an incident like this. Clearly, this is not my M.O.
I was frazzled in the moment and said the first self-controlled, legal thing that could come out of my mouth, considering my visceral inclination to protect my child. In retrospect, I should have had my son with me and gone up and introduced myself to the kid. Shook his hand. Maybe asked him his name and then perhaps asked what happened on the court during practice that made him treat son the way he did. And then let the two of them work it out. Maybe I should have just gone straight to the coach and make him aware. I don’t know.
I just know that my son needed someone to step in that day. I’m glad I did.
That’s not to say it should play out like this every time. The whole point of this post was the fact that I tried to equip him to deal with all bullies in the future.
It’s okay to disagree with me, but at the end of the day we are in this together and want to raise emotionally healthy and spiritually courageous kids, right? So, let’s support each other.
*Fist bump*
Well done, all around.
Remember, it takes a village to raise a child…mean kid needs to know there are social norms (not just mom and dad) and this interaction may have helped form that.
Frankly, I think you showed terrific restraint :). My first instinct is to run up and smash the mean kid’s face in. But we can’t do that, that’s bad. So we do the best we can. Sometimes it’s letting our kids try and work it out, sometimes it’s getting right in there, and sometimes it’s both. And sometimes, we are human and we let our emotions get ahead of us. The truth is, (and I am not religious but someone sent me this article and I really like it), we are all on this earth as a community. We need to take care of each other. Kids are generally not equipped to handle bullies, and it’s a myth to think so. I can bet that there are millions of kids around the world who are currently wishing hard that a grownup would intervene because they have no idea what to do. It’s our job as adults to protect kids whenever we can, and let them know that they are not alone. And then, we need help them learn when appropriate to help themselves. Letting them flounder teaches no lesson except that they are alone.
I totally get why you did what you did. And you handled it perfectly.
No Lydia you don’t get it. My daughter’s bully started in 5th grade. He was relentless. Believe me I did everything I could to help her cope but her teachers and principals chose to look the other way. I was even told by the principal that since I worked for the school district I could move her to another school. They moved on to middle school where it continued and she was physically attacked by him. She contemplated suicide during all of this. Should I have just stood by and not intervened? If I had chosen that route my daughter probably would have ended her life. This continued into 7th grade where she was being told by him to die and that she shouldn’t even be alive. Thankfully the middle school is working diligently to keep this from happening again. So far it’s been quiet but he goes through cycles. If he follows the pattern once he thinks he’s not being watched as closely he’ll start again. His parents are not supportive. The administration and his mother does know that the next time he does anything the police will be involved and we will press’s charges. That may sound extreme to some but he’s physically attacked her once and as they get older my concern is the next attack could be more severe. So Lydia no standing by and not intervening is not the answer. Yes kids need to learn how to cope with this but they also need a network of people to look out for them and do their best to protect them.
I agree with you 100% and I hate what your daughter is having to go through. My son has been bullied since the 5th grade. I am so infuriated with our school system that will allow this type of abuse to take place! What do you do when the school won’t do anything and you aren’t in a position to home school? The police won’t do anything because he hasn’t been physically assaulted. Technically no crime has been committed. You want your child to get the best education possible, to be able to learn without being scared to death.
in my state there is a law mandating the schools to intervene and yet last week a boy ended his life due to bullying…I do not believe the schools are taking these issues seriously enough…parents need to hold them accountable and push for the lawmakers to get involved.
There are too many of these stories. It absolutely breaks my heart.
If the bully does bother your daughter again, you might consider giving her some one-liner responses. Of course, this is a very personal decision to make, based on the situation, your daughter, the nature of the bullying, etc. If he is telling her she should be dead, etc. perhaps it may just perk up her confidence and change the subject enough for her to rattle off a line like: “Got anything wittier, ’cause I’m bored with the same old tired lines….” “I know, right? God probably went to the trouble to create all these people and nature because he couldn’t wait for it all to die” “Praying for you!” “Talked to God lately?” “Didn’t I see you in church on Sunday?” etc.
There are many good comebacks kids can make without insulting the offending kid. Takes some practice and rehearsing at home, but after awhile, the confidence comes and may help set her free from a lot of the negative feelings she’d have otherwise. Just a friendly suggestion. Of course, sometimes it’s better to totally ignore a bully so they get bored and fade away. Hopefully nothing gets physical again!! Therapy may also be needed, to help her turn her focus totally away from this bothersome and threatening student. Teachers and administrators definitely need to take the proper steps if it doesn’t stop. I hope it gets resolved for you.
I see your point a little, Lydia And I AM a parenting expert PhD and all. It is what I do for a living. But I also see the point foe the author more. Yes, we do need to let/teach our kids to problem solve for themselves. But our kids also need to feel like we are there to help when things get too big for them. And things do get too big for them to handle sometimes.
I think it takes a village and kids need to know that they are accountable and people are watching their behavior. My daughter was being bullied in kindergarten and even got a bloody nose from the girl. I taught her a plethora of strategies to employ. Some worked and some did not. And some were just too hard for her to enact in the moment (she was 5). So, one day I went to have lunch with hr at school. I looked the little bully right in the eye and asked “is everyone being nice to everyone on the playground?” She could not meet my gaze. I said, I sure hope so. Guess what. That did it. We have spent 2 years teaching our sweet, pure-hearted and trusting daughter how to handle bullies but sometimes the bullies are tougher, meaner and more manipulative and our kids will feel abandoned if we don’t then step in. SO it is a balance of not rescuing them constantly. One author say we rescue our kids as though they are drowning in ankle deep water. That is a mistake for sure. But we need to throw them a lifeline when they are in over they’re heads.
I see your point a little, Lydia And I AM a parenting expert PhD and all. It is what I do for a living. But I also see the point foe the author more. Yes, we do need to let/teach our kids to problem solve for themselves. But our kids also need to feel like we are there to help when things get too big for them. And things do get too big for them to handle sometimes.
I think it takes a village and kids need to know that they are accountable and people are watching their behavior. My daughter was being bullied in kindergarten and even got a bloody nose from the girl. I taught her a plethora of strategies to employ. Some worked and some did not. And some were just too hard for her to enact in the moment (she was 5). So, one day I went to have lunch with hr at school. I looked the little bully right in the eye and asked “is everyone being nice to everyone on the playground?” She could not meet my gaze. I said, I sure hope so. Guess what. That did it. We have spent 2 years teaching our sweet, pure-hearted and trusting daughter how to handle bullies but sometimes the bullies are tougher, meaner and more manipulative and our kids will feel abandoned if we don’t then step in. SO it is a balance of not rescuing them constantly. One author says we rescue our kids as though they are drowning in ankle deep water. That is a mistake for sure. But we need to throw them a lifeline when they are in over their heads.
Thank you for your insight here.
Lydia may be being misjudged here from where I’m sitting. Just because she may not agree, does not make her negative–she possesses a different view. If you put yourself out there on a blog, someone is going to disagree. We are all walking a different path, and it may not be on a level playing field. I have worked with and dealt with my own set of problems with a child who has spouted off in high-energy/stressful situations. He has made tremendous strides and has exhibited the best progress and continues to learn to police himself in normal, everyday sports and activities like basketball; but still not without my monitoring and redirecting. Believe me when I say that I don’t want him to hurt anyone in any way. But take into consideration how another parent who is walking this kind of path may feel. The ones who do everything that you do, but with a different result just because it is a different child. Pointing out the problem directly to the other child in front of everyone may have hurt others more than your child was injured. You have no idea where the other child started or how far he may have come in his own journey. You have no idea what his parents or other siblings have been through, but his mom could be more frazzled than you were in those 15 minutes throughout every day if he has one of a thousand other issues. There might be less hate if you put yourself in someone else’s shoes, which I am guessing that you do because you are a Christian. One day your child may make some mistakes, so take a minute to think about the approach you might appreciate from another child’s parent.
Jennie,
You make a great point that this child may have serious behavioral issues and his relentless taunting to my son may have been a “good day” and “progress” for him.
Just to clarify, I did not point out the problem in front of anyone else. I approached the child privately.
I know my kids have made and will make many, many (many!) mistakes. We are dealing with a lot of personal things in my family that I have alluded to on my blog but do not write about out of respect for my children–many of which are behavior related. However, even with all that, I can honestly say that if my son had been relentlessly taunting another child on his team for complimenting the other players, and that teammate left with his head hanging low, on the verge of tears saying, “Sometimes I feel like the whole world hates me.” I would hope to God that the mother or father of that poor kid would take the time to approach my child and say something. How else would he know the impact of his actions if no one says anything?
If I had a sh*tty little kid that picked on other kids then yea, I would EXPECT a parent to check my child. Someone’s gotta do it..
I have a daughter that has ADHD, brain damage due to epilepsy, and is autistic. When she was in high school, she had a kid that picked on her and would send her home crying like her heart had been ripped out of her chest. She could not understand why that person did not love her like she loved them. If it were not for a child like Sandy’s son, the abuse would have continued (I did not know about it until after the incidents). This child stood up to my daughters bully and the kid backed down, apologized to my daughter, and gave her a hug. They have been friends ever since. Sometimes kids are mean because they are ignorant. They do not understand things so they decide to take a defensive approach. Educating the child is always the key. Even if your educating them about God.
I know my child isn’t perfect. I know they make mistakes. If someone witnessed my child bullying another, I would want them to step in and talk to them. They need to know it isn’t accepted in society to bully another person. What happens when they get out in the real world. If they bully someone it is going to be known as harassment and depending on how far they go with it, (and if it isn’t taken care of at a young age will get worse, I am sure) they could go to prison. Just saying. It isn’t always bad when another adult talks to a child who is bullying. I do agree though that if there is too much intervention from a parent then it can make matters worse. This is why this mother has sat down and talked with her child about how to deal with it, because she knows that she cant be (and shouldn’t be) there for every single incident in her child life that involves a bully. I love this post and agree with it wholeheartedly. I hope to pass a similar message on to my children so that they can know how to deal with situations like this that will happen in their lives.
great line i heard. Our job as parents is not to toughen up our kids to face a harsh world, but rather to raise kids that will make the world a little less harsh
There is an art to intervening and this could have backfired so many ways and she is lucky it didn’t. I understand the teacher who said not to intervene because we have seen enough overprotective parents who have conditioned their kids to inflate stories and manipulate their parents into using them as a weapon to fight their battles for them. The son needs to learn to fight his own battles, so the mother should have accompanied the son and let him speak for himself how much it hurt him so that a true resolution can be made among the kids. Good thing the other dad provided the backup, but without that, it could have escalated into future covert attacks when the parents are not around. If adults don’t learn proper intervention to help the children resolve conflicts on their own, these lessons will never stick because the weaker ones will always feel dependent on another adult to make things right for them. (And as a side note I spent years in Switzerland where parents did not intervene much, even for two year olds. My sons, who did get bullied at first, learned valuable lessons and learned how to stand up for themselves and love others at the same time)
If this were my son I would be ashamed of his behavior and happy someone handled it
I laughed. I cried. I was inspired.
Thank you. I am bookmarking this for future inspiration. And I’m sending it to a friend who needs it right now for her daughter. In grade 2! What is wrong with the world when second graders are mean girls!?!?
I was picked on in junior high so badly that I asked my parents to send me away to private school. Instead, they pulled me out of French immersion where I had had the same 16 classmates since kindergarten. Grade 9 was amazing. Same school, different classmates. When we moved at the end of that year I was so sad, because I finally had friends. But after I moved I was okay. That one good year gave me the confidence to make new friends and ignore the haters.
I love the message of this post. It’s great to stick up for our kids. But it’s even greater to teach them to stick up for each other. And know that their value is never in what the mean kids say.
Wow, Kelly…that is such a great example of the power of Mean Kids AND the power of Great Kids. I’m so encouraged by the fact that it only took a simple change for you to have a completely different school (life) experience.
And, yes…grade 2 and Mean Girls. I remember when Rebekah was in Kindergarten and some girls said to her “You’re not my friend anymore” she was so confused. She had never heard anyone say they would not be her friend. My heart ached for her because I knew it was only the beginning of Mean Girls. It’s gotten so much worse for her and continues to this day, even in high school–even in a Christian school.
We must teach our kids to navigate this.
I love what Kelly shared. Especially the part about ignoring the haters! People do what they do for attention. What we focus on expands. I do wonder what Sandy is conveying to her child. I heard, that they better not make a mistake or else judgment and harshness will abound. Children need help to understand that misbehavior in others is more about where they are coming from than the person on the receiving end. So, when someone is harsh to us it really is their problem. We do need to help our children not be targets. And, yes give them the courage and strength to be the ones to stand next to those who need a friend. I love that you encourage your son to be the one to stand next to the child being picked on. We need to model this. I appreciate that this behavior in others can really set off a feeling of injustice that we should correct. We just need to be sure we are not sending out a power move ourselves.
You heard that from this post? That’s not what I tried to convey at all! I’m sorry if I was vague or if you misread. This other child was not “making a mistake.” He was bullying my son repeatedly when my son was trying to encourage his team mates. Confronting someone about their misbehavior is neither harsh nor judgmental. It’s loving, Biblical and entirely appropriate.
Isn’t that what I said? “Kids are mean for a reason. Sometimes, it’s because it makes them feel strong. Sometimes, they are going along with the crowd to be accepted. Sometimes, it’s because no one ever told them it was wrong to treat people that way. Sometimes, it’s because someone has been mean to them. But almost NEVER is it because of you. Don’t ever define yourself based on the opinion of the Mean Kid.”
Yes, we have dealt with this too. I haven’t been brave enough to write about it yet because I think it’s just a little too close to home as of yet, do you know what I mean? But, I will too, because I think our kids are powerful creatures who know how to get around a ‘meanie’ and if we aren’t careful they might get damaged and we didn’t even realize it until it was too late. So, way to be proactive.
I completely understand about things being too close to home. The older my children get, the harder it gets to write about them. I get it.
This almost made me tear up. I can’t stand mean kids either, I mean, where do they get off?? I’m sure a lot has to do with their home life and for that i feel sorry for them for that, but still. My daughter is 12 as well and there is SO much peer pressure to be like everyone else. I want her to be herself she wants to blend in. I get it, I do, but I hate that she conforms to keep the light off of herself so that she’s not a target. I’ve always told her it’s just as bad to not say anything even if it means losing friends stand up for that person being picked on.
You gave great advice to Elijah, I’ll have to remember that!
It is so difficult for our girls, isn’t it? It’s like this delicate dance between “be yourself” and “but not too weird.” I haven’t even touched the subject of mean GIRLS. In my experience, that has been a different (and more ferocious) animal, entirely.
I just wanna throw my arms around you and hug you!!! This is fabulous! While I haven’t so much had to deal with this yet (my boys are little still), the thought has crossed my mind. I hate mean kids too. I’ve often thought that I’d probably beat my kids half to death (no, not really 😉 ) if I ever found them being mean to someone else. But this is a great resource I will be saving to help my kids…and me…deal with the mean people in life. God bless you!
Well, I would LOVE for you to throw your arms around me and hug me. 🙂
Where were you back when I was a kid being tortured, tormented, harassed and mentally beaten up? My tormentors started in 5th grade and didn’t let up until I was in 12th, and that’s only because I graduated and moved away from my very small hometown. I was told by my teachers not to be a “tattle-tale” and by my parents to “toughen up”. All that did was isolate me and make me not trust a single adult in my life. If my parents weren’t willing to stick up for me, who was I supposed to count on? To this day, at 42 years old, I still resent my parents for not protecting me, for not believing me that the abuse (and yes I do consider this abuse, as bad as any physical beating I could have gone through) was as bad as it was. I wish that my mom would have been able to spend even 5 minutes with you, so you could explain to her that it’s up to her to stick up for her kid, and not to let me get to the point where I didn’t trust anyone, not even myself. The 11 year old little girl in me thanks you!!!
Michelle, I am so sorry that you went through so much abuse without an adult putting a stop to it. Shame on them! I am glad you gave yourself a chance to make it through instead of ending your life the way so many of our young people have been doing now. Those “mean kids” and bullies often grow up and leave their abusive ways behind without ever knowing the real damage they caused and learning from it. The adults in your life not only failed you by not intervening but, also failed the bullies. I was also picked on in school for being poor and dressing badly. It hurt a lot and I used to think about just not being around anymore. However I also believed in myself and I grew up, became a nurse and made a good life for myself. I taught my children and grandchildren to never stand by while another is being harmed by bullies, even if they just go get an adult. They have all made me proud by standing up for others when necessary and by not intentionally being mean themselves. It is never OK to stand by in the face of injustice and all children become better adults if they are taught this!
Thank you SO much for giving me the tools to help my children! Right now they are only 6, 3 and 8mths but we have already had some talks. I know have a great outline for future discussions! We have talked about standing up for other kids and I am proud to say my daughter has. But I am sure someday she will be on the receiving end and hopefully she will have the tools to help her deal with it! Thank you AGAIN!!!
I love that your daughter has stood up for other kids. You must be a good Mommy. 🙂
Could you please come over for coffee? Because just LAST night,my daughter and I had a talk about mean kids, too. It breaks my heart, too. I love your advice you have to Elijah. I want to take this post and hang it on my bathroom mirror!
I’ll be over tomorrow around 11 am. I take my coffee with half and half and smidge of honey.
Wonderfully said. Thank you!
You’re welcome. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
this was an awful article…What awful advice.
Jk, there were no negative comments so I thought I’d be a bully and start something. great article.
Don’t mess with me, Nathan. Clearly, I am quite fierce when I’m angry.
I am the mother of four between the ages of 23 and 6, I can totally relate to your momma bear feelings of wanting to pummel a mean kid! As you can imagine, through the years I have seen my fair share.
I too have always told my children to stick up for ANYONE who is being picked on or bullied. I have always stressed to them the importance of not leaving someone out and to speak up if they see it happening. It is so important that we teach our children compassion. I wasn’t always a Christ following mother. My older three didn’t get the same messages of the bible my youngest is receiving, but they have always known to be good to people. You never know what another person (big or small) may be going through. I too have told them NEVER to be the mean kid.
In these times we see far to much bullying. It is easier with internet and cell phones bullying doesn’t even have to be in person anymore. Suicide is on the rise and we as parents need to stop bullying and give our children the tools to not only cope themselves but to help others.
EXCELLENT post! can I share your post on my blog?
If you share, kindly link back to the original post, if you don’t mind. 🙂
(oops! this was supposed to be a reply to you and I posted as a stand alone comment.)
I worry about the suicide thing, too. One of the reasons I stressed to Elijah to always tell someone when he’s being harassed is because so many times these kids are taunted relentlessly and no one knows. Then, suddenly, the child feels hopeless and just wants to escape the pain. Getting it out in the open reduces those chances.
I would be honored to have you share it. Thank you.
Wow! After my 9 year old son came home yesterday upset about the way a group of boys had been mistreating him while playing football at recess( some were friends) i was really hurt and bothered by what he was telling me. I prayed for God to guide me to show him how to deal with circumstances like these. And then I come across this on FB! The Lord workd in mysterious ways! Thank you so much for sharing!
God Bless!
~ Jackie
Wow. I’m so thankful God used me and this post to encourage you.
Love this article and just what I needed to read this evening. Just today I had to talk to my son’s 2nd grade teacher about a mean kid and the Children’s Church Director at Church about another mean kid. My son has been picked on/bullied since he was in Kindergarten. Breaks this mom’s heart.
My daughter had to start dealing with mean girls this year in Preschool 🙁 Like another person posted, she didn’t understand why girls were telling her that she wasn’t pretty enough to be their friend and that they never wanted to be her friend.
I’m am absolutely overwhelmed with the number of kids being bullied at such a young age. Makes my heart hurt.
Me too! I am especially shocked and disheartened that little preschool and K age girls are siphoning out friendships based on being pretty or popular. What on earth gives them such ideas at such a young age! How awful! Hopefully mothers will get involved.
This is the best article I have read regarding bullying. Thank you for your biblical perspective. This is absolutely the correct way to handle it. Even when you want to tell your kid to kick the other in the chin.
What a generous compliment. Thank you so much.
(My pastor tells his 4 boys “If one of you comes back bloody, you better ALL come back bloody.” I love that!!! haha)
What a beautifully written piece. As a Mom that is just starting to experience the possibility of “mean kids”, I will hold this post close and use it as a light house. Thank you for sharing this story with us.
Thank you, Nikol. I pray you never “need” this post in the future.
As a mom of two boys, 5 and 7, I am already dealing with this as well. My 7 year old gave me a lesson in Jesus. He came home and told me a bigger girl in his class had been taking his things and dropping them or putting them out of reach. I told him to talk to the teacher (I was livid) and he calmly said “Mommy, I think I should handle it.” I said, “How do you think we should do this?” And he said “Mommy, maybe if I’m really nice to her, she will feel special. If she feels special, maybe she won’t be mean.” This time, it worked. Who knows about the next, but I’m glad his first thought was kindness.
On the other hand, my five year old has a habit of saying mean things that he hears older kids say but doesn’t really understand. We’re working on this diligently, so I hope my pre-K boy will be kind by Kindergarten!
Your 7 year old sounds like a great kid. And your 5 year old sounds just like every kid I know! I think they all repeat stuff they don’t understand. It’s good to stay on top of it. They’ll figure it out. 🙂
Thanks for this post. Dealing with 4 Mean Girls in my daughter’s 5th grade class. It’s sickening. Most days I want to punch some girls in the face and ring some mama’s necks. A threat to talk to parents would not help in this case…..parents who see no wrong in their children. This was encouraging and good words of wisdom. Thank you!
It’s so hard when the parents are just as rude. And I think dealing with Mean Girls is WAY harder than dealing with mean boys. Girls are so manipulative. Hang in there, Mom.
Our local newspaper posted your link so had to read it. I am with EandEsMama as i was just informed last night that my 12 yr old daughter is getting picked on in the locker room during PE.
So reading this has opened my eyes even more on how to talk to my daughter. You are correct the meanness is more in the girls then the boys. For EandEsMama i agree talking to the parents when they have their own meanness issues is hard to deal with. I am planning on talking to both these girls parents when i have a chance. I happen to work with the one girls mom so will be talking to her sooner then the other one. But I also gotten ahold of the school last night and told the prinicpal that i wanted to talk to him and the counselor at the same time on Friday(as they have no school today). He emailed me back this morning and said he would make time and would get ahold of the counselor and make time there also for me when i get to the school.
I don’t stand for my kids getting bullied and tell them not to bully themselves. We just all have to stand with eachother on this topic since it has gotten a lot worse in the last 20 years if no sooner. Thank you Sandy.
Would you mind posting the link of your newspaper so I can see it? Thank you so much. 🙂
“You are correct the meanness is more in the girls then the boys.”
I disagree, and think such gender labels are not in ANYONE’s benefit. How many moms are reading this? “Ah, yes, I’m a girl. We *are* more horrible than boys! lulz”
In many respects I was a tom-boy => Jane Goodall and the apes. In high school, I was in a boy-dominated drum line, and I can tell you that meanness is VERY alive in boys. They are most horrible to each other right out in the open. It horrified me, how they would call out abuse to each other, or sneak up behind and pull their sticks up into each other’s junk as a prank. (I had no idea how bottom-of-the-pecking-order me would handle such a sexualized offense, and thankfully I never had to.) When REALLY p***ed off, they talk behind backs too. Ever been in a shop class? Different social class of boys, same confrontations.
In researching for a college paper with the thesis that ‘girls need to open their career opportunities by studying more math’, I read an interesting study conducted in the UK between working class and middle class elementary school children. The girls had labels and expectations about only being good if they were reserved, CONTAINED their emotions and experiences, and helped out (nurtured) other classmates. Boys were free to be hellions and perform miserably in academics, and still earn the labels of “good” and “great potential”. Boys will be boys, after all. We are all human. Demons are just expressed differently, partly due to how “the village” allows it.
I’m not a bully expert, I’m just speaking from my own experience.
I have a teenage girl and the meanness started much earlier and has been much more manipulative. With boys, it’s been more physical and verbal taunting/mocking. With the girls it has been more ignoring, gossiping, excluding, backstabbing and back-handed compliments. It’s a lot harder to call out, because it’s often “friendly fire.” Girls within the friend group, ganging up on one.
For me, as the mom of both, it’s been much harder for me to guide my daughter through it than it has been to guide my son simply because it’s so much more sophisticated.
I have to agree with these observations. I am the one who pulled my son out. I think what you said is right on about how boys bully. I also depends on the sensitivity of the child. My daughter is sensitive, but she still seems to bounce back better than my son. My son was falling into deep depression and crying everyday after school. It does alarm me that my preschool age daughter has become aware of body image since starting school. Her classmates have been pointing out that her mom is fat. (me/lol) I am not offended, but I don’t like that that young of girls are thinking about that at all. I think that is coming from the parents.
Thank you from a Christian public school teacher. I have wanted to have the non-Christian response, too. In my classroom it is a daily battle dealing with mean kids. I try to use the same message only The name of Jesus has to be left out. Sad, but true. I try instead to model what Jesus would do instead.
My son was adopted from India and has had his fair share of cruel and insensitive remarks. He learned to walk away, but the sting remains in how he sees himself sometimes. However, he has become a champion for the underdog. He also knows…we still have his back…even at college. Thank you, again.
Thank you for being a Christian teacher in the public schools. What a light you are!!!!!
Your approach is much better than the one I chose when my teenage daughter shared a story about picking up her little brother from the after-shool program at the church gym. She told me that when she picked him up she noticed another kid bullying him in the gym. I told her to tell that kid the following: “if you ever touch my brother again or even look at him in the eyes, my daddy will go to your house and kill your parents…” Works every time, though.
Oh my gosh…I just laughed out loud. You win for funniest comment.
How is that not making your daughter the mean kid….people — all kids (and adults) are sinful in nature even yours…teach your children to see people as God sees them…hurting, struggling, trying to figure out who they are — yes these kids are making terrible decisions in their behavior but so do we at times…how many times do I yell at my kids when I could’ve just had a normal conversation… how many times do I jump to conclusions about their behavior without asking them about it?…Its a dangerous road when you can’t see your own sin and need for grace and forgiveness…that is what you need to be teaching your children not to threaten people with murder…
Sooo…..you are teaching your daughter to be mean in order to deal with mean kids? Doesn’t seem logical….besides that it makes all the other kids not like your kids, which ostracizes them even more.
At Robert, Your right that her approach was better than yours! Sorry, but yours really only adds to the problem and you and your daughter could get into trouble using threats like that. I am proud of you for being able to say that your approach maybe wasn’t the best one.
@everyone – it truly takes a village! I don’t care whose kid is doing the bullying, if an adult sees it happening, I believe it is their duty to call that kid out and let them know that their behavior is not acceptable. One comment given in a mature non-threatening, discreet manner is usually going to work the best. If the kid feels he/she got yelled at, he will become defensive and in most cases the bullying will escalate. Teaching our children to say something nice to anyone they think could use a boost, teaches them empathy. A compliment or smile and friendly greeting might be the only positive thing they receive in that day!
I think a person has to be very careful about teaching the child that bullying back is the answer. I know a boy who felt he was bullied in school and he got the idea from somewhere that if he could only defend himself, that would be the answer. After he left school he lifted weights and “bulked up” and even started being a sort of gang leader in the community. When he had sons of his own, he straightened up his life to a certain extent but encouraged his boys to fight each other so they wouldn’t be the bullied kids. The result was that when his son found out his best friend was going to be in the same class with him in kindergarten, he asked, “Is he the one I am supposed to fight?”
spooky! that is just teaching kids to be bullies in return. And to make empty threats . where is the good in that?
It’s funny how God puts things in front of you when you need it. I am reading this during a sleepless night because my daughter was bullied by the mean girl just today. The only difference is this mean girl is an adult who was administering a reading evaluation to my daughter. She went as far as to ask another teacher, in front of my daughter, “shouldn’t first graders read better than this?”. Who does that?! I am having a real hard time walking in love on this one, but it is my goal. The school my children attend just finished an anti-bulling week…that should include adults as well. What a terribly confusing situation for those children.
Oh Kim…I would be at that school in a SECOND. I think dealing with an adult changes the situation entirely. You can still act in love, but an adult bullying a child is something that needs to be dealt with swiftly and directly.
Real and brilliant Christ centred reflection thank you.
Thank you, Elaine.
I needed this today. My six year old son has been bullied so bad at school, that he came home yesterday and said he wanted to die. At 6 years old! I had a similar life talk with him.
Ashlee…that makes me want to cry. My son came home from school the other day and said, “if this happens 3 more times by the end of January, I’m moving to a different county.” :/
Have you talked to the school about the incessant bullying? It sounds like someone there needs to step in. No 6 year old should want to die.
This made me cry! Beautiful words of wisdom♡ I had to give my daughter this talk when she was in first grade! She has such a good heart that she could only ever see the good in people and so when her bully “apologized” she accepted it as truth. She eventually realized that it was safer to stay away and move on but it hurt her to do so. I was always there for her though and she knew it. Thankfully she learned to be the person that stands up for the kids being bullied! I told her to stand by is to be a bully too. Thank you for your wonderful words Now that my daughter is 12 the bullying looks a little different. I’ve talked with her about this but she may need some more kind words of wisdom so thanks again for those!
My son has a good heart, too, and is so quick to forgive. I love that about him, but it sometimes means kids take advantage of him.
And yes, bullying for girls at 12 is a whole different ball game. My daughter is now 14 and in HS and I cannot believe the way her “friends” manipulate each other, gossip about each other and exclude those who don’t conform. She’s not very receptive to input, so I need to approach it differently with her. It’s hard.
Bravo for you! I think you did exactly the right thing. I always have the fear that some parent will get up on my face for “speaking” to their kid (cause that happened one time) but sometimes you just have to say something to let them know that behavior is not okay. I was at a play place with my kids one time and my 3yo was playing in a little area that was blowing balloons around and some 8-10 year old kid was standing outside the area trying to get one of the little kids to give him a balloon. After several attempts of “hey kid, give me a balloon” and “hey, send one over here!” he upgraded to “hey you little twat give me a balloon!”
I’m not sure he even knew what that meant, but I immediately barked, “watch your mouth!” at him and he stood up straight immediately, apologizing and making a hasty exit.
Yeah, I agree about not being sure if the other parent will be receptive. If I had known the father, I would have spoken directly to him. It was a new team and I don’t know the kids yet.
You did the right thing by saying something to the kid at the play place. 🙂
I am totally using this as my children’s church lesson this week. I always talk to the kids about praying for the “mean kid” and not being the “mean kid” (Wouldn’t it make your parents upset if you were mean to one of their kids? How would God feel if you were mean to one of His children… and aren’t we ALL God’s children?) I talk to the kids about how mean people were to Jesus, yet He still prayed for them even as he was dying on the cross for us. I remind them that no one is that mean to us, so we too should pray for them. But I’ve never thought to remind them that even though Jesus was perfect people were still mean to Him! I love that connection! On a separate note, I too have approached children. My favorite tactic is to give the “mean kid” another chance by saying, “Hi, I’m Mason’s mom. You must be John Doe. He tells me you’re mean to him at lunch. I hope that’s not true, you seem like you would be a nice kid!” So far so good with that approach! Seems like kids respond well when they know that you know, but still give them a chance to be nice on their own! Loved your commentary, it made me cry! Thank God there are caring parents out there, especially ones willing to share their advice and experiences to help other parents!
Your approach is outstanding. There was another commenter who had a similar approach of simply introducing herself to the mean kid. I am going to borrow this. Thank you.
Thank you for posting this. I have had the knee jerk reaction as well. I sometimes feel like I am at my wits end with the amount of bullying or just mean kids that I see. I am a mother of a 10 yr old and 8 yr old and they both have seen this happen and unfortunately been the victims as well. It was so bad this past year for my 10 yr old that I took an open position at the school so that my daughter felt more confident and safe. Your advice and talk that you had with you son is exactly the words I have been looking for. Thank you again. And it is nice to see there are other momma bears out there 🙂
Momma Bears UNITE! 🙂
I am a first time reader. Beautiful post. We just took two of our five out of school. Both fourth graders, one boy,one girl. They both had their own struggles, but the same thiing. For our daughter, it was mean girl stuff. As you said in response to a reader-the mean girl stuff is on it’s own level. I know how to parent them through bully stuff. All but one of my kids has had issues. We find it usually happens at lunch,recess, or passing periods depending on the school level. But this mean girl stuff in elementary school is on a whole different level. It is so sophisticated in nature, so adult. I have tried to bring change, we have been working on it for two years-nada. My kids are resiliant-but only to a point. My fourth grade son told me just yesterday(they have been home schooling for two weeks now) that he could handle being bullied,picked on, and told he was no good. But what he couldn’t deal with was how it made hime feel when it happened to others. He said that he felt so protective that all he wanted to do was punch these mean kids-even the girls. And that made him not like himself. So as you can see,it can be hard emotionally in different ways. I am just so glad we made the decision we did-we have much happier and less stressed kids at the moment. We plan to make changes for all the kids next year or sooner if need be. The hardest part in all of this is when you confront the parents and they feel their kid is fine. They feel we are not doing our job because our kids should learn to be stronger and not get upset over being treated badly. I personally feel that we do not give kids enough respect ion matters such as this. If we were listening to an adult who was telling us about being picked on,bullied,or anything of that abusive nature, we would be encouring them to leave,move on. We would tell them no one should have to put up with that. We would say things like,”like yourself enough to not be treated that way” etc. But children-we say look the other way,we say it happens to everyone and it’s not right, we say you can handle it etc. why? Anyway-thank you for your empowering post-I hope it gives more parents the feeling they can step in and stick up for their child. I hope your readers take a minute and look through the responses, so they can see that for some removing them is the best thing for them-maybe not for the parents-but for the kids. Have a beautiful day and I am looking forward to reading more of your blog.
I have considered taking 2 of my 3 out of school. I get it. You know what’s best. Sometimes you just have to protect them…
I have six children between the ages of 6 and 13. My two oldest are girls. We were brand new to a school and my oldest daughter saw a boy being picked on by pretty much the entire class. She stood up and told them to stop and became his friend. It changed the way the entire class treated him. The teachers were amazed at the change that one child could make in a class. My second daughter has been bullied by the class “queen.” We have had many discussions with her and I see her strength growing. She is able to pull her shoulders back and and stand up to this girl. The teacher is always there beside her to support her and she knows that I am there too. The other girls are gaining strength and pulling away from being under this girl’s power. There are hard days and sometimes tears but we know who we are – children of God – and that gives us the strength to pull through those hard days. Thank you for your blog and words of wisdom!
I love your daughter.
The basis of bullying is the imbalance of power, say an adult verses a child. Shame.
I can definitely be that. Thank you for taking the time to comment. 🙂
But as adults and parents it is our job and responsibility to have the power to teach and shepherd children into becoming good adult members of a community. She was not bullying. She was shepherding.
LOVE this! As the GRIZZLY of Momma bears!
I am Mom to a now grown son who was very hard of hearing his first 5 years of life and as a result developmentally delayed. He had to take special Ed classes to catch up in school.
Bullying on “special” kids is multiplied!
The WORST thing is bullying does not always just mean the KIDS are doing it…
He had a TEACHER when he was 16 years old who had a can with many shapened pencils in it on her desk for times when kids forgot pencils.
My son forgot his FREQUENTLY… or would lose it during the day. (part of his disability is disorganization). She clearly had a chip on her shoulder against Trey for some unknown reason.. let me also say THIS was one of his “SPECIAL ED CLASSES”.. one day when he forgot his pencil she refused to let him borrow one from her stockpile.
INSTEAD she called him out in front of the class for forgetting and FORCED HIM TO WRITE 100 TIMES with a COLOR CRAYON “I will not forget my pencil anymore in Mrs. Underwoods Class”.. of course this embarrassed him horribly and made him the butt of so many jokes throughout the school. It was at he point where he wanted to drop out of school.
My son told me what happened. Momma Grizzly immediately called the school alerting all of the officials of what was going on in her class. (this was not the first ugly thing she did to him and I am sure OTHER students, she had quite the reputation as being hateful and belittling to her Special students. ) I gave her quite the talking to… the equivalent of body slamming her thru the phone as her aide told me she walked away crying… saying I was the RUDEST parent she had EVER talked to in her life…. a few days later she was in class again trying to make a spectacle of my son getting the kids to laugh about him getting his Mommy to take up for him… THAT time I BODY SLAMMED HER CAREER! She was fired!
Moral to that story… be careful who you bully… his Grand Mother just might secretly be the assistant to the Superintendent!
It sounds like you did your son and the entire student body a favor. There are a lot of wonderful, self-sacrificing, loving, patient teachers out there. But sometimes, they need to find another career. Good for you.
I found your blog on facebook through some friends who shared it and I have to say Thank you! My 2 older girls, 12 and 9 have been being bullied since the being of the school year. We live in a small town and just moved here 2 years ago, so they don’t fit in because they didn’t grow up here. My 9 year old came home and a couple months ago and was crying and told my husband and me that she never wanted to go to school again. (She is extremely intelligent and she loves school, so we knew something was wrong) She said that someone made a list at school and told her that she was on the unpopular list and was below the boys’ bathrooms and the janitor 🙁 I called the school and talked to the principal, teacher and counselor, they then had a talking to all the kids in the 2 4th grade classes. It honestly didn’t help. She was picked on and teased because her mom called and “told” on everyone. I have been trying to help both the girls out and some days I am just lost at what to say :/ It breaks my heart not knowing what to say. I can only do so much without getting arrested. I am constantly trying to find a way to explain to them that those kids’ opinions mean nothing, they are just the mean kids!
Thank you again. I plan to sit down and talk to the girls as soon as they get home from school!
Ugggh…I just want to hug you and your daughters. I’m so sorry.
I can’t explain why, but this post brought tears to my eyes. I have three grown girls who are strong confident people, but I empathize with the horrible power of bullies. I love and admire how you handled this, not only at the time of the action, but even more the morning after. If only as parents we could always find the right words to empower our children.
Kudos to you. Thanks so much for sharing this story. I hope it shows other parents how to empower strong, loving people.
Ramona
Thank you, Ramona.
Bless you for this, it is the first time I have seen both an explanation of how the bullied person feels and a viable solution to the dilemma. Of course as mothers we are going to protect our child to the ends of the earth, but empowering them with the knowledge that the bully may have problems in their life as well and that their bullying may be a result of those problems and not a reflection on our child’s worth is a valuable lesson about the realities of life. There are so many stories of bullying in the comments, and just from the past few days, this is a very real problem with lifelong damage. The bully definitely needs to know that they are not building themselves up by tearing someone else down.
I am overwhelmed by the number of families dealing with this. It’s heart-wrenching…
I thought your advice was wonderful. I couldn’t help but think that it is great advice for adults too. We should all strive to “never be the mean kid”. To stand up for those who are hurting and to remember that people are often mean because ” Sometimes, it’s because it makes them feel strong. Sometimes, they are going along with the crowd to be accepted. Sometimes, it’s because no one ever told them it was wrong to treat people that way. Sometimes, it’s because someone has been mean to them. But almost NEVER is it because of you. Don’t ever define yourself based on the opinion of the Mean Kid.”
Absolutely! I tell my daughter all the time, “You are going to be dealing with Mean Girls your entire life. I’m 45 and still deal with them.”
We are our children’s biggest advocates so it is great to see you there for him. And, taking it further, advocating for those that don’t have the support/guidance they need from parents. Great article and well said. My kids are 7, 4 and 6 mo. and I can’t believe how many times we have already had to discuss bullying and ways to handle.
Keep up the conversations with them. It will make a huge difference.
I just stumbled upon this post and had to tell you how much I love it. My child is in Kindergarten..KINDERGARTEN…and we’re already dealing with mean kids! Thank you for sharing the discussion you had with your son. I’ve been telling my son the same things, only on a 6-year-old’s level and I pray it sticks with him. I look forward to reading more from you.
Isn’t it sad? Kindergarten should be coloring and recess. 🙁
Hi Sandy,
Your thoughts in this article are so helpful, thank you. My daughter recently was sent a text from someone she considered and valued highly as a “best” friend. I read the text, it was pure hate…things said like I’ve never like you, you made me be fake, therefore, you never knew the real me, I don’t want to be friends with you. This friendship has been for close to 4 years. My daughter was shaken and hurt, and her question, “how do I know who is being fake or real, who can I trust”. We explained to her, that she couldn’t be defined by this girl’s words. The mama bear in me wanted to go straight to the child and parents, we prayed about it and decided to pray for this child and her heart. At the same time letting our daughter know, that the friendship would never be the same, we encouraged her invest in healthy relationships, to make sure her words were pure in conversation. See, these two had engaged in conversations about other girls, we had warned our daughter, that this could come back and hurt her and others. My daughter has learned a huge hard lesson, one this mama has a hard time with. She is doing better now, and I am so thankful she opened up about and shared the text with us. This texting subject is a whole other subject. Thank you again for your thoughts.
Oh, the texting–and all social media. That is a completely new level of bullying. We are dealing with it daily with my daughter. It sounds like you handled it beautifully. It’s a hard lesson, but I’m sure your daughter will grow in character because of it.
I’m crying, Sandy. Your words to your son were so beautiful, and so right on. One of my college girls was bullied by her roommate last year, and that situation has left deep scars. I wish I could have said to her what you said to your son. Thanks for those words.
I had a very similar conversation with my daughter last year. And in addition I wrote her a letter pointing out all the qualities I see in her, those God given talents, her little quirks that make me smile. Everything good I could think of or that other people have noticed. She still keeps that letter with her and reads it every now and then when she needs a pep talk and I’m not there.
I recently had a similar situation occur. We live in the very back of our neighborhood and most of the children playing don’t always venture all the way around to our area. But when they do and they want to play, because we have a lot big enough for football or softball, I always welcome them. This one particular day a few kids showed up and my son and his overnight guest were out playing. I assumed having fun. My husband walked out to witness my child being ugly to one of the kids I have never met. I instantly ran out, grabbed my son by the collar and in the house we went. I scorned him, he was punished and then his guest walked in and said…. That kid was being really ugly to your son. He was calling him and me horrible names. He was just taking up for us. I felt like the worst mom on the earth. I instantly ran out the door in tears, jumped in my car and drove until I found this kid. This is what I said…. You come to my house, play in my yard and have the gall to call my son and his friend names? Really? I know your mother and she would be devastated to know how you treated my child. If you can’t be nice, you can’t play in my yard. Period. My child was punished yet you are the one who should have been. . If it happens EVER again. I will knock on YOUR door and let your mom in on the the secret…. He has since been kind…… My son plays with him often. He just needed the reality check that an adult was aware of his actions. I had a long talk with my son about mean kids that day too.
I am so glad I ran across your blog today. Wow….you ate spot on. I wish I would have thought of all these things to say to our son when he was being bullied. We moved to a town when our son was in 4th grade and he was constantly being called names. We went to the principal, to certain parents, and nothing changed. Finally, last year when our son was a freshman everything came to a head…..our son was being physically bullied. We didn’t find this out from our son because he was to afraid to tell us anything, thinking that if we said anything it would only make it worse. A fellow team member on his football team told our daughter what was happening…..our son had been shoved in a locker and his head put in a toilet. We immediately went to administration with what we were told and we were told by them that boys would be boys. Are you kidding me. You seem we knew something was going on with our son, because he would come home from school and be really mean to us, he just never would tell us what was wrong. We decided to leave this school district since nothing was being done and move to another school district in the area. Our son is a totally different child, he’s happy, treats his family well, and the students love him at our new school. We have had to go back to the old school because of a game we played against them, and right there in front of the superintendent the entire student body of the school we left, made fun of our son as he was walking across the court. Nothing was said to them and nothing done. It’s ridiculous that there are schools out there who aren’t teaching students that bullying is wrong, and obviously neither are their parents. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Oh, so many of these replies are our story. My 16 year old was bullied to the point of becoming depressed. We removed her from the school and sent her to another where she is thriving and loving school. What we didn’t realize was even though she really was happy and appeared happy the depression hadn’t gone away. More than a year later the depression reared it’s head and she ,lucky for us, she shared that she had thought about suicide. She is now healthy and well with medication and therapy. Bullies do much more damage then most people realize.
Through tears I write this. And I’m sure it will be through tears again when I read it to my son this evening.
“Shining light on darkness makes darkness go away.”
I almost cried reading this and would have if my 3 year old hadn’t been sitting next to me at the time. My son hasn’t had a problem with other children yet, but about a year and a half ago we came out of an abusive marriage. While it is better, we still have to deal with emotional, verbal, and psychological aspects of it. Almost every phone call my 3 year old has with his dad leaves me close to tears. Not only does he get used as a tool of control, abuse, and manipulation toward me, he is made to feel guilty and to feel he needs to choose sides. This is article is helpful, and I will be telling my children these things when they are older. It doesn’t matter who it is, a bully is a bully. I always want my children to know I m on their side.
Your story touched me. Praying for your safety.
I saw this posted on FB by a friend. As a new Mom, it sounded like a good read. Although I very much appreciated what you said for children, this actually applies to adults too!! I have not had to experience this yet for my daughter as she is only 2-1/2. But I found myself thinking, maybe I need to do this for myself with the mean women I work with! Thanks for the inspiration!! It just what I needed for the new year!
Will you adopt me? 🙂 ( Just kidding…I’m a 50 year old grandma.)
I have never left a comment on a blog. I really, rarely read blogs. This was simply beautiful, touching, and completely hit home! My 13 year old son has his first basketball game tonight and really did not want to go, he never would tell me why. I’ll be watching tonight for sure to see if there is a mean kid! I am also going to have the don’t be the mean kid talk – sometimes maybe we just assume that our kids know we don’t want them behaving a certain way – this has inspired me to make sure they KNOW! Thank you for taking the time to write this.
Think the number one thing parents can do is help your kid fit in where you can & to help them build their confidence, friendships & sense of belonging by keeping them active in sports or some hobby or activity that helps them connect with others like them. I always talk to my son & I taught him early on to always defend others in need & that bullying is usually a kid who has his own issues or has it rough at home but they still need to build there self esteem and sense of belonging. I think the book that helped me a lot was “Hoe to have a good kid by Friday” He has a lot of amazing points
I coach my 4 year old in tball and soccer and I am appalled at how mean spirited kids this age can be to each other. We’ve not had any issues with my 10 year old daughter, but I’m hypersensitive to it with my son because he is one of the smaller kids and takes it too personally when somebody doesn’t like him. Part of coaching these days is teaching the kids to be good losers, teammates and people. At least that’s how I roll.
Perfect. That, was perfect. The way every parent, everyone should handle these situations, just perfect.
This is just what I needed to hear today. You said it all so perfectly. Thank you!
I have been searching for a solution to help my 3rd grade daughter. A week ago she was hurt at school due to a poor decision of a mean student. She was thrown down a flight of stairs all for a laugh…and not on her part. I was upset I heard this from my scared daughter a day later and not from the school itself! This is the 2nd incident at the school with my daughter…but this time it wasn’t just humiliation…it was violent.
Your post gave me great insight on what I should do. I will pray and hope this doesn’t happen again. I will pray for the child who did this mean act on my daughter and hope Jesus can reach his heart so this will not happen again! I will attempt to “shine light on the darkness…to make darkness go away”. Thank you for shining light on this important issue!
You hate mean kids??
This is the first time also I read your blog so I do not know you. But after I read this I was just left feeling the opposite of what I think you were trying to convey. You want to teach your kids to never be mean but you combat it with anger and meanness.
I am really sorry your son got/is getting picked on. I think it’s great you are teaching him how to handle it himself (well except you stepping in) and how to stick up for others who get picked on!
But you kinda left out that Jesus loves the mean kids too. And your kid (and mine too!) will be mean. You will be mean and I will be too.
So what then? I just think there is more to be taught in this situation. Of course we have to protect our children and don’t want them to get hurt. But if there an opportunity to show love and grace to the bully, shouldn’t we? Like you said, they are mean for a reason so perhaps they need some Jesus love and grace too. I know I desperately need it everyday. I just don’t think it’s enough to say “stop it!” and “you never be mean.” And is that kid solely defined as a ‘mean kid’ because of his sin? I sure hope my sin is not my identity.
comment in response to Julia above. Thank you… Wow … I can’t believe nobody else had this reaction. Every child is capable of making bad choices and being “mean” while learning and maturing. Labeling children is wrong and can be reinforcing of the wrong behavior. Be very careful of being too quick to label any child as a “bad” kid. Does it not take a village to raise a child. How about role modeling kindness?
I can see both of your points. But I think you have missed the point of this post. Everyone needs Jesus. Everyone. The bullied and the bullies. And the villages that raise the bullied and the bullies. None of us are going to get it right every single time. But showing grace doesn’t mean we don’t stand up for our kids. Showing love doesn’t mean we don’t step in and have a voice when something needs to be said. This post focused on what her son needed, what her son had to learn, what her son had to be equipped to deal with. And I think she did a great job. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a heart for the kid who chose to be mean in that situation.
My father in law says all the time that it was harder to be bad when he was a kid. Because if his neighbor caught him being bad (in various ways, including being mean to another kid) he’d get a whooping from his neighbor and then another from his mom after the neighbor called her. Now I am by no means saying we should ‘whoop’ other people’s kids!!! But I don’t think there is anything wrong with an adult telling a child when he/she is out of line, especially when protecting another child. I have stepped in, once even when the child in pain was not my own. And I would do it again.
Thank you, Kelly. 🙂
Julia: Thank you for your input and for saying it kindly. I can tell you are a very loving, caring person. Please allow me to respond, as I’m sure there are many readers who left feeling the same way.
1. I am not a parenting expert or an anti-bully expert. I wrote this post after one incident and one conversation with my son. I am an avid student of my own children, but I have no idea how to parent anyone else’s…and most days, I’m not quite sure how to parent mine.
2. I was the first one to admit that my feelings about mean kids were “neither motherly, nor Christiany” and went on to say what I felt inside toward mean kids was “wrong, bad, illegal and not at all like Jesus.” I wasn’t trying to imply that any of it was good or loving. Just that it “is.” If you read through any other posts, you will see that I am happy to throw myself under the bus to illustrate how NOT to do something. Most of my posts are born from me doing something wrong and then trying to make it right.
3. You pointed out that I never told my son that Jesus loves the mean kid, too. Just to clarify, this post was never meant to be an exhaustive dissertation on the subject of bullying or the love of God. It was one conversation. I’m sure I left out a lot of true and good things to say. I’m sure we will have many, many more conversations about this as the years go on and opportunities present themselves.
4. I agree that we all have the capacity to be mean. The more my son is picked on, the more I see the capacity grow in him to repeat the cycle. That is precisely why I stressed to him the importance of NEVER being the Mean Kid. More than once, I’ve handed the phone to a kid to make the apology call, proofread the apology note, stood with a firm hand on the shoulder during a verbal apology and marched a kid straight over to a neighbor’s house to apologize. I’m a giant advocate for nipping my children’s meanness in the bud at the earliest age possible and as often as necessary. I tell my kids over and over, “Jesus cares very much how you treat people.”
5. You asked, “If there is an opportunity to show love and grace to the bully, shouldn’t we?” I believe that sometimes the most loving and grace-filled thing we can say to someone is, “No. That hurts” or “Stop it.” In fact, that is exactly what Jesus told us to do.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matt 18:15-18
The actual confrontation can be the very thing that wins them over to Christ.
(Incidentally, after the next practice, Elijah told me that he and this kid were totally cool. He told me his name and he said, “We’re friends now.” I guess this Bible stuff can really work!)
6. My intent was never to label the child or define him by his sin. I called him “Mean Kid” because I didn’t know his real name (wouldn’t have used it, even if I did) and for effect. (You know the movie “Mean Girls”? I was thinking about that.) I am sorry if that’s how it came across.
Clearly, you know your own kids best, and I know mine. My son needed someone to step in for him–to stick up for him–that day, and I did. I’m very glad I did. I may not the next time. As I said, the best thing I can do is empower my kids to handle Mean Kids on their own.
As a mother, I link arms with you and support your efforts to raise kids who love the Lord and treat other children (and someday, adults) with kindness.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comment.
Blessings to you and your family.
Thank you for taking the time to reply and clarify some things. Also really appreciate the thoughtful discussion!
I am a former public school teacher myself. I had to be the advocate on both sides of the party. Bullying can be a very serious issue. It was so hard to get the “mean kids” to understand really WHY they were being mean, to really get at the heart of it in order to really instill change. When I taught 6th grade, we showed the kids a clip about the Columbine shooting (I know, a whole other issue) as part of a movement called Rachel’s Challenge in order to instill kindness. One of the issues we talked about was the perspective of the shooters and how they were possibly treated in the school. Don’t want to start a whole debate about this but just wanted to say was so difficult to teach my students to be kind.
Also read more of your story on here. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story about your family, especially of Noah. I am so sorry for your loss. I am almost crying here thinking about it.
Thanks again,
Julia
Julia,
You reply post is eloquent and well spoken, but I want to share something with you. I was a bullied child. Now, I am a grown woman with a grown child. I love my mother dearly, but I still have negative feelings about how my she handled this type of situation. I don’t blame her, she was doing what she knew and the best she could, but her idea of handling it was to teach me to turn the other cheek. Ignore it, it will go away. The teachers said the same thing. That is just simply not the truth. The feeling of being abandoned to handle something I was not equipped to handle has shaped my adult life and how hair trigger aggressive I was to defend my own child. The repercussions rippled many years from the actual events. I understand that the bully needs love too, and he/she may not be getting it at home, but the child being bullied needs HELP immediately, not just love. Mean is mean, no matter how you label it. So many kids are mean and their parents are mean because they weren’t taught to be nice either. Not enough people step in and say this is not ok! I am not trying to debate anything, just wanted to give the perspective of someone who has gone through this herself and with her child. Do something, anything, to let a child know that you can be depended on. This is a trust issue between parents and child/teachers and child. If you are not there when they need you how do they ever trust you again?
Sandy, I applaud you reaction. It was diplomatic, tactful and effective, but most of all, your child trusts that you have his back!
Wow, you hit the nail right on the head! I was the same way as a kid, and to this day I still have some resentment towards both of my parents over how they dealt (or didn’t deal with, in my case) the abuse I had to go through.
I have a very similar story, and I still struggle with the repercussions. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that “ignore it and it will go away” did not work. To this day I still can’t comprehend how the adults in my life stood by and watched day after day but did nothing to help.
Love this!!! Beautifully written from a loving mom’s heart!! Thank you so very much for sharing!!
I do really love this! I think it’s something that needs to be addressed with every kid. I wish that there was a little more talk about grace given to the “Mean Kids” (as a former mean kid…. that was dealing with some pretty traumatic stuff). I acted in some ways I’m not proud of as a 10-13 year old, but there was a lot of good in me too and I would have been completely broken over a parent chastising me (not that you necessarily did). Especially since I was already getting that at home. Just a thought.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. The advice and counsel you gave your son was perfect! I was tormented by mean kids most of my elementary years. For no reason really. I was athletic. I was nice. But on my first day of school I somehow managed to get on the bad side of the ‘mean girls’ ring leader. And even now at 28, I am still plagued with feelings of inadequacy. I wish my mom would’ve given me this advice. I don’t think she knew how to deal with my situation. She probably just figured I would figure it out and learn to be a better person because of it. And I DID! I really tried to better myself and be aware of how I treated people. But, like I mentioned I still feel self-doubt because of the mean kids. This post helped make sense of things and to ease the pain of the little girl inside of me. Thank you so much! Now I feel like I would be able to know how to talk to my own children to empower them.
You go girl! That was awesome!!! 🙂
this is so wonderful!! our kids are go getters in sports so they constantly feel left out and even mocked. we’ve had these conversations before too!
what is so sad is that these mean girls that are rampant in high school grow up to be mean women and teach their daughters and sons how to behave this way. it’s a gruesome cycle full of cattiness, heartbreak, broken relationships, gossip, insecurity, shame, and pain. my heart breaks for kids that are picked on and bullied. we have always told our kids to be friends with everyone and to stand up if someone is being picked on.
thanks again for sharing this with the world!!
Thank you so much for writing this. Going to talk with my daughter about this again for 3 years she has been teased with ” Hannah touch ” instead of the “cheese touch”. This all started in third grade. She now in fifth and has learned just to let me know when it’s happening again. In third grade it was happening so often that her teacher told her to “stop complaining to your mom about it”. You want to see a mamma bear knee jerk reaction. Still not proud of myself for that one. Anyway thank you for reminding me to keep inspiring my daughter, and to take the high road.
((Hugs)) I am so sorry your daughter is dealing with this. My child dealt with much the same tease earlier this year. After giving her ideas and suggestions to try to resolve the issue herself,which didn’t work well, another child was overheard by a teacher making a comment. Thankfully this teacher didn’t brush it under a rug but notified the school social worker and Director. They handled it in a way that so far has had positive results.
Praying someone is able to find a way get through to the kids.
Great Entry! SO true:)
Great post! I’m a special education teacher and I’m consistently dealing with kids who are mean to each other. You would be amazing how young bullying starts. I have a six month old son and somedays I hate to think about how one day he will be going to school with bullies. I’m going to keep this post around for future reference for when my sons grows up.
Wow. You have a new faithful reader! I saw this linked on Facebook and I just love it. I will definitely be bookmarking your wonderful words. Our children are 4, 2 and 5 months, but we have already unfortunately dealt with this with our 4 year old son. 🙁 My heart was broken for him when he came home from a church event and told me that the kids wouldn’t play with him. I wanted to go all “P90x” on them too, but resisted and gave my son a good pep talk instead. Next time this happens, I’ll be ready with your amazing words instead. Thanks for the inspiration!
My daughter has a speech problem called apraxia and in second grade a little boy bullied her so badly she quit talking altogether. He would push her, trip her, intimidate the other kids from being her friend all the way to telling her she would never find a man to marry her because he would never understand her. She went from a fun loving little girl that just loved school to hating the very site of the school. It got so bad that even the gym teacher was allowing it and even dis-included her from activities and had her play by herself because the kids wouldn’t pick her as a partner. I went to the principal a couple of times and she told me it would be taken care of immediately and then finally I said “If you don’t take care of this right now today I am calling your bosses boss! The superintendent”! She then came back to me with, ” Mrs. Tolley your daughters speech problem is so bad she will always have bullies and I do not have enough time in my day to take care of all her bullies., you as her parent need to toughen her up”…I was furious, no way my seven year old daughter should have to toughen up to take that abuse. I finally said some mean girl words to that principal and quietly and it went something close to “she is the bottom of the barrel, pond scum and had no reason to be teaching children let alone supervising teachers.” After that I left the school… we are now at a much better school with a great administration. She is on probation with her job and has had several complaints filed against her. Yet the school system does nothing. I live minutes from the little girl who jumped to her death from the water tower in Florida. Lets just say some of these kids are a horrible bread of their parents. I will so be using your words to enforce a lot of what I have already told my daughter and son because I loved your blog! So empowering.
I have to say though now that she is doing so much better.. she see’s other kids who were also bullied and maybe transferred or moved away from their school and makes them little gifts to say.. Hey I am here for you. I know your pain.. and I care. I got a gift from a friend in Canada who heard about my daughters troubles and sent her a book called “I like me” and the authors name is Saidat. You can find her on FB. She has spent her life savings to put together a anti bullying program for kids of all ages. for a younger kid this book is AMAZING! tomorrow night at dinner I will incorporate your words into my nightly dinner. Then we will discuss. Thank you for sharing your story it will help so many.
Your story moved me. Thank you for sharing it.
I really like your blog. I have two boys and I have tried to instill in them that they can not be the mean kid. We move around a lot so my kids are constantly the new kids in school and I know that it appears to them sometimes that it would be easier for them if they just went along with the crowd to avoid being the kid picked on by the mean kids. Thankfully they have always been able to make good friends that have good values even if they aren’t the most popular kids. they are both now teenagers and I have to share what one of them did not long ago. We had just moved again and I was telling my husband about a new friend of mine whose son had been bullied by mean kids for years. He was a good kid, but when he finally decided to stand up for himself he made some threats to the mean kids that were overheard by one of the teachers. Because of the schools zero tolerance policy he was expelled while these kids who had been tormenting him for years had no repercussions. My oldest son must have overheard us talking because without prompting by me, he turned around the next day and sought this kid out at scouts, making sure he included him in everything. Thankfully my son has made good friends here who have surrounded this boy with my son and over the last six months ensured that he always feels valued and no on picks on him when they are around.
I have just read the whole article and think it is wonderful and inspiring. I have a daughter who can empathise with Sommer Tolley. My, then 14 year old, granddaughter was enrolled in a high school in a new city and, from the start, was picked on by a crowd of bullies. She would be on the phone, in tears, daily to my daughter, who incidentally, has a teaching degree, to bring her home. Finally, after fruitless efforts to have the problem addressed, my daughter snapped and really told the principal a few home truths before taking her home for home schooling. I am happy to report that she is now enrolled in a church school where she is thriving, has a boyfriend who is also into horses in a big way.
My grandson was bullied for 5 days at a 4-H camp by the junior counselor. We contacted the 4-H council but we are not sure if that counselor was reprimanded in any way. So disappointed in 4-H and their Character Counts program!!
Good post. But just remember to love everyone as Jesus would. When I was a kid I picked on a girl but I honestly didn’t mean to hurt her maliciously. I didn’t know any better. That night her mother called my parents and that night my father beat me. You have some good points but we don’t always know the situation that happens behind closed doors.
Christine: I am so very, very sorry you were beaten by your father. That is horrible. 🙁
I agree that many kids (most?) have no idea the weight of their words and actions, good or bad. That is why we (parents, adults) must tell them. Loving as Jesus would means sometimes we confront the person. Multiple times, with witnesses, if necessary. Love and confrontation are not opposites.
Jesus said:
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matt 18:15-18
Amazing article.. taught me a lot about teaching my child how to stand up for himself and for what is right.
I was assisting at a grade school. 2nd grade. A new boy joined the class part way through the quarter… I could tell he was terrified. I reassured him that this was a friendly place with good people and lots of fun things to do.
A month later, I was amazed to see him picking on other children. I pointed out how he must have felt as a new person, and other children had feelings,too.
He blew past me like I wasn’t there. Hopefully he grew up somehow.
Getting on fb tonight, a friend who knew the story of my son taking up for someone being bullied recently, had posted a link to your blog on my wall…..because she knew my son had been THAT kid. What she didn’t know was the back story – the endless bullying my son has been through in the last few months. The tears, the talks, the hugs, the talk with the school counselor just this morning as I am out of ideas but yet I see my son ‘dying on the vine’ so to speak and I won’t stand for it. I won’t. I sat outside the door of his room and listened to my amazing Dad as he skyped my son tonight and talked to him about mean kids and how they evidently don’t know Jesus but my son does which makes a huge difference between them/him…..that the way they treat him says nothing about him and everything about them. Then I tucked him in and prayed with him…..when he was asleep, I prayed over him and asked God to please just help me as this precious boy’s mama to help lead him through this. My friend had no idea the blessing she gave me tonight by sharing your blog post with me. Thank you for sharing your precious mama heart with those of us who need it. Bless you…..
Thank you for this. I was praying about how to let some of this go – my son’s friends are all of the sudden excluding him. He is also 12, moved from a very small elementary school to a much larger middle school. I trusted that the Lord will show me (and him) the way…and there was this blog post. Be like Jesus, it always comes back to that. Thank you!
Wow, Sandy, I wish I’d had a friend like you in school.
I don’t think I was that kind of friend in school. 🙁 Hoping to teach my kids a better way.
Thank you for this. I loved your wisdom. My daughter has been bullied a few times…and I never knew what to do.
i think that this is GREAT! my daughter has been bullied horribly by the mean kids on our block- to the point where she will NOT go outside to play…it is really sad…she is and has been nothing but nice to them, yet they seek her out and torment her when she is outside…really PISSES me off! and i have addressed it on many occassions. my son was also bullied by another child where the child knocked him down and kicked him, repeately while the bully’s mom sat and watched and did nothing…when the nice kids in the neighborhood told the mom- she said, ‘ he derserved it.’….i went up to talk w/ mom as i thought we were friends, but she said exactly what the kids said she did…i was absolutely floored…i wanted to call the cops, but my husband didn’t want to, so we didn’t…looking back and given events since then, we really should have…
but the sad thing is that the parents of these children/bullies are exactly the same and worse….as they have attemtped to excercise bully tactics on our whole family- from standing on our doorstep ranting b/c i spoke up and called a spade a spade in which they defend their children saying’ thier kids are not mean’….i actually found it absolutely hysterical, yet incredibly sad, that as one of the parents was exercising bullying tactics.-the parent had no idea what the definition of being a bully was…repeatedly pointing out their kids do not hit others…telling us that our kids have skin as thin as glass and they need to stop running to mommy about everything- they need to learn to stand up for themselves….to which my husband explain- bullying is MORE than just hitting…it is emotional, psychological…and what is being done right now by thier actions of standing on our front porch in the manner in which they are doing is also bullying…well….very commical to see thier face when the point was made and it hit home….
we tell our kids to be the better person- don’t give them thier time, energy…bullies are not worth it-if you watch when bullies are doing thier thing and no response is given, they get flustered…..at one point i told my son to give a salute like in the military and say, ‘aye aye captain!’ then walk away…i watched when he did it and cracked up as the expression of the bully was absolutely priceless b/c she didn’t know what to do w/ that….
our kids stand up for others as they get very upset when thier friends are picked on by others…they stand up for them as they know what is right and wrong- they do not like seeing thier friends hurt….and what’s nice, they too are in a different school and thier friends there stand up for them too…;)
SO, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
I hate mean kids, too. They grow up into mean adults – but I love your example of how Jesus was also mocked and hated and he was perfect. It’s so hard to see others picked on at that age and it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job protecting your child (when you can),while also preparing him for an imperfect and sometimes cruel world.
Sandy,
I am so glad that you kept it real by telling us what you really would like to do. I think sometime as christians we don’t tell people what we are really thinking. We are afraid to let people know that we struggle with the same things everyone struggles with, no matter what religion they are. I am so glad that you followed through the next morning and taught you child how to take care of himself and others that are going through the same thing. You have empowered him to change his world and in turn change the whole world. I thank you for sharing. Now I have a good example for my kids and my sunday school kids.
In Christ love and mine,
Gena
Thank you for posting for my son has faced this issue in school for the last two years. Last year it was just pure bulling this year its making fun of him having seizures. I can not stand mean bulling kids and i have always taught my boys in are no better than anyone else no matter what you have in life and if you ever see someone being bullied take up for them, you always treat people with respect and how you want to be treated in return.
Thank you so much for this. As a father, I worry constantly about my son being bullied – he is a tender, empathetic kid with a love for books and a constant smile. Perfect target for the Mean Kid.
Reading about your encouragement and affirmation to your son, I seem to have sprung a leak in my eyes. Thank you again.
I love this. And I love explaining why kids are mean sometimes. I’m a teacher and have 6 of my own kids, so sometimes I have to talk to my own students or kids about their mean behavior. Usually it starts out, “I would never let someone else talk to you like that and I can’t let you do it either.” It reinforces, “Hey, I love you. You’re mine, and I’ve got your back. But he’s mine too–and I’ve got his.”
There are 2 girls in our neighborhood that are just horrible with each other. One, in particular, is a *wee* bit demanding of her own way every time. I’ve explained to my daughter that this girl is going through a rough time at home, so with her “friends” is one area that she feels like she does have control over. It’s helped my daughter understand a bit more (she’s 10). That being said, she tries to bring peace to the situation. One day she came in, though, shaking her head, and saying “They will either figure it out, or kill each other trying. I’m done trying to help them solve their problems. They fight, and that’s how it is. I’ll be friends with both of them, but when they start up, I’m just going to come inside from now on.” They all know that I refuse to have that in our yard. I’ve told them before that, in our yard, they are not allowed to use their words and be rude to each other. They are to be kind, and find a different way to solve their differences by being rude and fighting. We’ve stressed that all of them are created equally, and we need to treat everyone how we ourselves want to be treated. I will step in if it gets bad, and I will step in immediately if physical violence is involved. I will say that I’ve told my kids that, if they are caught in a situation that they are being hit, and they cannot get away to tell another adult, then they have my permission to defend themselves however they can to get away from the situation. My rule of thumb, though, is to go find an adult first, if at all humanly possible.
I am not really a religous person, but I love this and will keep this in mind if my boys were to ever go through this. Good advice!
I think you are lucky at how this played out for you and your son. I would have been humiliated had my mother done this and it could have turned into more humiliation from the kids. I will never do this but glad it worked out for you and your son.
You know your kids best, and I, mine. 🙂 This day, my son needed someone to stick up for him. I’m glad I did. It’s not really luck, as much as it’s being an avid student of my children and trying hard to be led by the Spirit of God. There is no formula. And next time will probably look different. God bless you.
This is exactly what I have told my kids. I know it got thru to. But the way I found out I wish on no one. My 18 year old son died in 2012. At his memorial service, I had several kids come to me and tell me what a difference he made in their life. Whether they were being picked on and he stopped it or it was their first day at huge class 7a school and they were lost and he showed them the way.I really found out how many lives he affected with his love and kindness. As a parent, you do your best and hope it works. Most of the time, you never know fully if they got it. I was blessed to find out it did. I am truly blessed and honored to call him my son.
And pray for them too….If you were to witness my preschool son’s behavior on a crowded playground you would likely want to put him in a room with all the other children you would like to “flick in the head”. My son is diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and also comes with other labels you might have heard of such as high functioning autism or Asberger’s. He has a very a difficult time regulating his behaviors in busy environments such as a crowded playground or bustling restaurant. As a result, he will use unkind words or physically aggressive behavior, as his body is reacting to the sensory overstimulation in a “fight or flight” way. Does this make his behavior “ok” or acceptable, ABSOLUTELY NOT, does it break my heart, ABSOLUTELY YES- for him and the other children he hurts. I stay awake at night wondering if he will have friends in school, have girlfriends, or find a spouse. I sit in my parked car at preschool and sob after a teacher report about a “bad day”. We and other parents of children like mine, typically don’t go out in public much because of it. When he was 2 or 3 years old we could laugh it off with other parents of “neurotypical” children as typical toddler behavior. Now that he is five, the wild temper trantrums and aggressive behavior get us plenty of stares, dissaproving looks, and occassionally, very painful comments from adults and parents. We are working hard to help him…thousands of hours of occupational therapy instead of playdates, reading every book, blog, etc. I can find to help him instead of socializing with families, and above all PRAYING HARD, everyday for help. If you see us in public, he appears very much like a typical child – he is potty trained, he can communicate with words….once his SPD behaviors start it looks like either a really spoiled child or really bad parenting. I am trying, but sometimes wanting to put a bag over my head and retreat back home asap. As you are probably aware, my son represents a ever-increasing number of children on the autism spectrum. Does make it ok for our kids to be unkind to others, ABSOLUTELY NOT. Training them how to treat others and the developing a sense of empathy is not a straightforward path….it requires unimaginable patience and love, progress can be excruitingly slow.
You raise a very good point too, there are also children that are likely suffering from abuse , neglect, or constant, unrelenting critism from a parent(s). These children have never known love from their families, the way our children do. They likely firmly believe and act out the negative and mean messages they are constantly receiving at home. Pray for them too, and when possible, show them Christ-like forgiveness that only HE can grant us. An ernest attempt to be friend to lonely, isolated child migh
And pray for them too….If you were to witness my preschool son’s behavior on a crowded playground you would likely want to put him in a room with all the other children you would like to “flick in the head”. My son is diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and also comes with other labels you might have heard of such as high functioning autism or Asberger’s. He has a very a difficult time regulating his behaviors in busy environments such as a crowded playground or bustling restaurant. As a result, he will use unkind words or physically aggressive behavior, as his body is reacting to the sensory overstimulation in a “fight or flight” way. Does this make his behavior “ok” or acceptable, ABSOLUTELY NOT, does it break my heart, ABSOLUTELY YES- for him and the other children he hurts. I stay awake at night wondering if he will have friends in school, have girlfriends, or find a spouse. I sit in my parked car at preschool and sob after a teacher report about a “bad day”. We and other parents of children like mine, typically don’t go out in public much because of it. When he was 2 or 3 years old we could laugh it off with other parents of “neurotypical” children as typical toddler behavior. Now that he is five, the wild temper trantrums and aggressive behavior get us plenty of stares, dissaproving looks, and occassionally, very painful comments from adults and parents. We are working hard to help him…thousands of hours of occupational therapy instead of playdates, reading every book, blog, etc. I can find to help him instead of socializing with families, and above all PRAYING HARD, everyday for help. If you see us in public, he appears very much like a typical child – he is potty trained, he can communicate with words….once his SPD behaviors start it looks like either a really spoiled child or really bad parenting. I am trying, but sometimes wanting to put a bag over my head and retreat back home asap. As you are probably aware, my son represents a ever-increasing number of children on the autism spectrum. Does make it ok for our kids to be unkind to others, ABSOLUTELY NOT. Training them how to treat others and the developing a sense of empathy is not a straightforward path….it requires unimaginable patience and love, progress can be excruitingly slow.
You raise a very good point too, there are also children that are likely suffering from abuse , neglect, or constant, unrelenting critism from a parent(s). These children have never known love from their families, the way our children do. They likely firmly believe and act out the negative and mean messages they are constantly receiving at home. Pray for them too, and when possible, show them Christ-like forgiveness that only HE can grant us.
Please be sure to tell you children about these possible challenges “the mean kids” may be struggling with and emphasize their bad choices have very little to do with your son’s worth as a person.
Tears. Thank you for writing this. My son is only 2, but he’s a sensitive soul and I’ve already worried and prayed about how I would help him deal with mean kids one day. This was an answer to prayers. Pinning this for later because I want to be able to give him that same speech one day. Thank you!
I feel for you the first time my daughter was attcaked she wwas hit in the face. She was only one and had no way of telling me but i knew what happened after i saw the mark on her face. Her scream struck anger in me as it should but I looked at my baby and said as long as I am here I will not ever let someone hurt you like that again or get away with it. Because not only is it not good for my child to picked on its not good for the other to pick on others. So the next time it happened i told those kids to “Stop it and dont lie about her doing things she is not doing. Don’t hit each other or push either.” They were shocked i said anything and i haven’t had any problems sense. I watch her her always because she doesn’t understand that shes being bullied shes still too young to tell me. It just hurts me to see her be treated that way. I went through the same thing and no one stood up for me.
My mom found and shared this blog with me the morning after this EXACT incident happened with my son. Right down to the sport. I handled it the same way except the child was already gone so I spoke to the coach about it. Unfortunately the other difference in my situation was that the child used words that I’d like to believe my son had not been exposed to before. Nasty words and for no reason at all. My child just happened to walk past him directly after they’d lost their first game. My son didn’t even play much so certainly wasn’t the cause of the loss. This child was just mad and took it out on the next person that walked by. My son is a sweet boy. ALL BOY and a little ADD but sweet with a good heart and has accepted Christ so is trying to live a kind Christlike life with friends. Because of this he is often the target of mean kids. They know he will take it. I so appreciate your sharing this 1 for making be feel better about how I handled it but 2 so I know how to take this and use it as a teaching moment for my son. Thank you.
Thank you for that. I shared your words with my son who is also 12 and is struggling, even in a small school, with bullies. He has the kind that are blatant, and he has the kind I call friend bullies. He has a hard time with how to handle them, especially the “friend” ones. I try to tell him that if someone is hitting you, touching you, or saying mean things to you, even if they are your friend, that is being a bully. These years are so hard. I wish I could bottle confidence and give it to him for breakfast. If only they knew how special they are – every last one of them and would all band together to rise each other up instead of tearing down.
I pulled my daughter (Sara) out of a CHRISTIAN Academy in the 6th grade due to a set of 5 “mean girls”. We live in an Army town, and it was my daughters 1st day in a new school. I was thrilled to see the small town offered a private Christian Academy and just knew my daughter would thrive there. But on her very 1st day, a “mean girl” quoted the movie exactly.
Mean Girl: “Your eyes are so blue. Your hair is so blonde and curly. You are so beautiful!”
Sara: “Thank you very much.”
Mean Girl: “So you do actually think you are beautiful? So concieted!”
Later that day, Mean Girl tripped my child in the hallway, pretended to appologise and asked her to join herself and her “group” at lunch to make up for her mean quips. Then at lunch Mean Girl “accidently” spilled chocolate milk in my childs lap and stuck bubble gum in her long, blonde hair which had to be cut!
She tormented Sara for 3 more days, until Sara told me she wanted to be home schooled! I went to the school and spoke with the principal about the Mean Girl, and the principal informed me that the girl was the Pastors daughter and was “just very spirited” and I should not take it the wrong way.
I spoke to the pastors wife, and she told me my daughter should try not to be so “tender hearted”. Because her daughter only picked on her friends, so my child should be honored that Mean Girl took to her at all!!!
I pulled my child out of the school. I entered her into a small public school in a nearby small town, and she is thriving! She has made amazing friends she will keep for life. (She is a Senior now!) I am a Christian woman, but I have NEVER wanted to slap a grown woman as much as I wanted to hit Mean Girls Mother that day when she told me I should be glad her daughter was abusing mine! The rotten apple did not fall far from the tree!!! Sometimes it is indeed the parents fault. Kids mimic what they see and are simply a product of their environment. I raised all of my children to turn the other cheek, to forgive and forget, but this is not always the answer… I learned this the hard way. Sometimes, they need to defend themselves or turn to an adult who can help.
I was hoping you were making this story up. It just sounded too horrible. I’m so sorry this happened to your daughter. And I’m so glad she’s thriving in her new school. God bless you.
My 16 year old son was recently verbally attacked by the mother of a daughter that he knows. He had poked her in the ribs, (as boys do) and scared her while at school. He wasn’t picking on her; to the contrary, he was playing with her. He has often stood up to other kids who WERE picking on her or teasing her about her long “ginger” hair.
So this woman shows up to my house when she knew that neither I nor my husband would be home and lit into him about NEVER TOUCHING MY DAUGHTER AGAIN! My poor son had no idea what had happened. When she stormed off, he shut the door and went on with his day.
So when the “mama bear” in me heard this, I wanted to RIP HER HEAD OFF. This woman has serious issues, and took them out on my child. (Yeah, I get that he’s 16 – he’s not really a child anymore – but he is MY child.) What do you do when the bully is an adult? I look to Christ and imagine the woman caught in adultery and the men wanted to stone her and he drew in the dirt and said, “let him without sin cast the first stone”, and I don’t know what to say to this woman – if anything – to let her know that her behavior isn’t acceptable. I’ve instructed my son to avoid her daughter, (go thy way and sin no more?) but this woman is a member of my church congregation, I won’t attend another, and I’d love it if I just didn’t have to deal with her ever again.
Any ideas?
Jill, I was abused as a young girl and at 16 if any boy no matter how nice he was or even if he was a friend, would have poked me in the ribs it would have upset me, ALOT! I’m not saying what the mother did was right, however you dont know how that affected this young lady! My advise is to sit down, you and the mom and find out what is going on. let her know that you understand her concern for her daughter but that coming to a childs home and confronting them with out the parents present is not exceptable! Hugs mama, I hope this has already been resolved!!
Brilliant. 🙂
One thing I noticed you didn’t mention to your son is the possibility that the child may have been suffering from a mental illness. My son is nine years old and has been recently diagnosed with early onset bipolar mental illness. While we don’t condone him being mean or saying hurtful things to others, he often is fighting an illness that doesn’t allow him to realize how his words and actions may be hurtful to someone else. He is not in any way intentionally being mean. He is suffering and I can tell you as his mother, my heart breaks knowing that he does. How exactly do you tell your child to deal compassionately with them as I am sure you wouldn’t want him to be unintentionally cruel to someone like him, mistaking him for someone who is being mean.
Tammy,
Thank you for sharing about your son and his mental illness. That hits close to home with me for many reasons I cannot write about on my blog. So, my heart goes out to YOU.
No, I did not mention that possibility. I’m sure there are hundreds of reasons children can be mean or perceived as mean. My son was feeling terrible about himself, so I was just trying to illustrate that the reason kids are mean is usually not because of Elijah (and most definitely was not in this case, as the other boy was mocking my son relentlessly for complimenting other teammates on good plays.) I do want my son to deal with everyone compassionately. Absolutely. And I also want him to be able to tell someone to stop hurting him when that is happening, too.
Thank you so much for your input.
When my girls were little, we moved to a new state and neighborhood. They were 5, 6 and 9. The first couple of days, they came home crying from the bus stop because a 5th grade boy from the neighborhood was bullying them. Then next morning, I took them to the bus stop, I walked up to the bully and told him privately that if I heard any more bad reports about his behavior at the bus stop, I would go to the school and have him banned from riding the bus. That evening, he and his father showed up at my door, with the dad wanting to know what was going on. I calmly explained what he’d been doing and stated again that if his behavior continued, I would have him banned from riding the bus. His father apologized, and made him apologize, and there were no more issues at the bus stop. The next school year, I was teaching at that school and this boy made it a point to always greet me and was very respectful when he saw me in the neighborhood.
I know it doesn’t always resolve so easily. I had to deal with bullies in the classroom as well that sometimes just didn’t get it or didn’t care- but I tried to teach my own kids as well as those I work with at school that it is never ok to bully someone else. At least now it is being recognized for what it is, and not just ignored as “kids will be kids”. In that way, it’s progress.
I love this!! Thank you so much!!! All us moms need to stick together!!!
I could not have read this at a better time (divine intervention, maybe?). I had to contact my son’s school twice this week due to mean kids picking on him & making him feel like a fool in front of his peers. It has been happening for a while but this week we finally had enough. My husband and I wonder if our son isn’t an easy target because he is so nice and kind, and I hate that other 12 year old boys see that as a weakness. He was feeling quite down about it and my husband and I were trying to talk with him about how to verbally stick up for himself. We told him some of the same things you mentioned, especially about being loud when he rebukes the mean kid drawing attention to the fact that it is happening and about making sure he tells a trusted adult. When I read your post, I called him in to me and had him read what you said to your son. Thank you for helping me figure out how to talk to my son. You made a difference in his life today and mine.
Sandy, I’ve never read your blog, I just found it as a link on facebook. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are doing an absolutely awesome job, both with your child(ren) and this blog. Keep up the great work!
~Mark
Thank you, Mark.
When my first started all day school in kindergarten bullying was my biggest concern. For a few weeks he was pretty vague about what was happening at recess until I really pinned him down. He said that he was spending his time behind a shed letting another child punch him so that child wouldn’t punch others. My heart felt like it fell out of my chest into my shoes. This other child had been in our home, had been best buds in preschool but I knew had a rough home life and some diagnosis. All I could muster was, “do you think he’s trying to be mean?” My precious 5 year old said, “no, I just think he doesn’t know how to control his body and he doesn’t know God.” The Holy Spirit absolutely covered my failed humanity to proceed logically asking, “did you tell an adult?” He answered, “No, I don’t want him to get in trouble.” I explained that the other adults only want what’s best for the other boy and to help him know how to be a nice friend and asked if my son wanted me to talk to the other boy’s mom. He said it’d be okay if we were in a meeting or something. The next day I called the principal sobbing who followed the situation as closely as I did from then on, thankfully. I trust that God will protect my children as they are ultimately His anyways. I just pray that I will be faithful in walking them through these trials. I pray the same for you and every other parent too. God bless.
This story breaks my heart.
ALWAYS advocate for your kids. Always. It’s not always going to make your or them popular, but God has entrusted me with these gifts. God honors, defends and protects me. He loves me and comforts me. If my heavenly father does this for me, shouldn’t I too do it for my children?
I have never posted a comment to an article before, but yours struck a chord with me. I actually had a similar experience this past summer with my son. Another child was consistently mean & rude to my son, who was just trying to fit in with some new kids on the baseball team. (My son attends the Catholic School in town. My husband and I try to get our kids involved in activities in order to meet more children.) After watching & listening to this child talk so rudely to my son, this momma bear had enough. I approached that child & told him he needed to stop treating my son that way. The kid apologized on two different occasions. From then on, he would talk to me after the games. And I hope I modeled positive behavior by engaging in conversations with him. Makes me wonder if anyone ever told this child that it is not “okay” to be mean to others?
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I feel so honored that I’m your “first.” 🙂
The days of “let them fight it out alone” are gone. Our kids are committing suicide or developing destructive eating disorders or even Cutting to get rid of pain, at an almost epidemic proportion because of bullies and parents that don’t know or do know and don’t intervene. There is a fine line between helping them and being the over bearing parent. I think what you did was a fair way to react, not perfect but as it has been stated here many times, we are not perfect. I personally think the best part of that whole lesson was when you sat your son down and had a heart to heart talk with him, that I think did more for him than anything else.
The bible says get angry and sin not, It does not say anger is bad….in other words anger is ok if you use it correctly and don’t let it become a source of sin.
Anger was given to us by God to alert us that a barrier has been crossed once we acknowledge that we need to then use it constructively to find a solution that does not create sin but also does not allow others to continue to cross the line.
I am reminded of a time when my daughter was young she lacked in the self esteem department and was a bit clumsy (like her mom) so we put her in a Tae kwon Do close, one that was run by a christian couple. They not only helped with the self esteem and balance but taught her that being able to defend yourself is good, knowing you can and then finding a way to not use force is even better. That same year she was on the school bus and got into a fight with a kid that was picking on another kid. Before it was over the other mean kid tried to choke her and she did exactly what she needed to do to break free and it ended there. Her instructor had to discipline her because she chose to fight instead of finding another way, which started it. But while she was walking out her discipline, behind her back he went “YES!” and smiled at me because she defended herself and stopped as soon as no further action was needed. I did have to take them off the school bus in the afternoons, as it was an hour long trip (we were in the country) and in the afternoon the kids were just too rowdy and wound up and the school bus drive did very little to intervene.
For the parents that are having an ongoing issue, you might want to consider some type of group or class that teaches the things my daughter’s Tae Kwon Do Master taught. Just knowing that they can defend themselves is often all they need to be confident enough to stop the bully verbally or refuse to play along and just walk away.
I agree the consequences of NOT intervening are too great. Thank you for your input.
I dont disagree with anything in the post in fact I think it shows a very Christian approach to dealing with the “mean kid”, but incomplete. In the story “mean kid” apologized twice, once when he was reproached for his sin because of guilt, and once later on his own because of contrition and repentance. I read through all the comments and replys. Megan used the phrase ” Grace given to the Mean Kid”. but unless I missed it, the words forgive and forgiveness are not used anywhere. We need to all remember that until we too are absolutely perfect (as in never) that we need to live the rule of Seventy times Seven (Matthew 18:21-22). I realize this post is about bullying which is completely unacceptable and not to be taken lightly but it also talks of teaching moments for children and it just seems to me that forgiveness is a critical part of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that is often forgotten in these moments.
Troy,
You are correct. This story was never meant to be a full dissertation on bullying or the Christian Response or How to Raise Kids. It was one snippet of our lives, total time elapse, about 15 minutes (including the talk at the end). The next practice my son walked up to the boy and put his hand on his shoulder. They laughed about something together (I was watching from the other side of the court). Yesterday, my son told me his name and said, “He’s my friend now.” So, yeah…there is more to the story and my son most certainly forgave him.
Thank you for adding that.
Hey Sandy,
I’m a first time reader and this article really hit home. I was one of those kids who was bullied in school when I was growing up. I was always one of, if not the, smallest boys in my class and I would always get picked on. It started out verbally and then escalated to physical when I got into middle and high school. I was too scared to tell anyone but my parents and when they tried to intervene, nothing was done (“Oh, it’s just boys being boys). In fact, when I was getting abused in high school PE class (I say abused because one of the boys would smack me with a towel in the dressing room and it was hard enough to leave red marks on my legs and sometime back) my parents reported it to the head football coach because he went to the same church as my family. His response? “We can’t do anything until we catch him in the act”. It got to the point where there were a few days my freshman year I faked being sick so I wouldn’t have to go school. Luckily, things got better after my freshman year because I started participating in sports, school clubs, etc.
Believe or not, as an adult I have been bullied by other adults. My dad’s business partner would verbally abuse me unmercifully and when my dad confronted him and told him to “lay off”, he said, “I’ll treat him any way I want too”. When I was a 9th grade coach at a local high school the head varsity football coach also verbally abused me. The head 9th grade coach tried to stand up for me but he was told by the head varsity coach, “This is my (expletive) program, I’ll do any (expletive) thing I want to, and I’ll treat him any (expletive) way I want too”. The most unbelievable person who bullied me was a church pastor. After my father died, all he could do was pick on me about not being married. He also picked on my mother, which if I would have found out about, I might have turned into a MOMMA GRIZZLY.
I am now working with children in both my church and in the schools (I’m a certified teacher with a Master’s in Education) and the one thing I will not put up with is bullying. I know what is like to be bullied and I don’t want any child to be exposed to the kind of things I had to face when I was growing up. I’m glad things have changed in the schools where I live in regards to bullying. In fact, most of the schools follow a certain kind of anti-bullying program where the kids are told that it is OK to tell an adult if a fellow student is being bullied. They are also told to stand up for anyone being picked on. If this had been in place when I had been in school I’m sure things would have been different (when it happened to me everyone around me ‘disappeared’ and I was left to fend for myself).
I’m glad you stepped in and took up for your son. My parents tried but didn’t get any results. Thanks again for the article and I hope everyone sees that bullying is a problem today and that steps need to be taken to control it.
Thanks for writing this article Sandy – it’s certainly prompted some lively comments, and given me some food for thought about how I can better help my kids when they are in similar situations (which I’m sure all kids are at some time or other)
I was at chuckEcheese last week with my 10yr old daughter. She came to me crying because a little girl took the tickets from her skee ball machine. I told her I would watch to make sure it didn’t happen again. Sure enough more tickets came out and a little girl walked over and snatched them. I am not a fan of confronting other kids, but if had no choice. I approached the little girl and said, “did you take her tickets?” She said no. I said I saw you take tickets from her machine. She again said “no I didn’t”. So I said, “where is your mom? I would like to talk to your mom.” She them reached in her cup and gave my daughter two tickets, she said “I only took two.” Enough said, I walked away. I am pretty sure that kid will not take anyone’s tickets anymore. Not a big deal, but sometimes we have to step in.
Thank you for this article. I was picked on when I was in school. I wish I’d had this article when I was young and when my children were growing up. Thank you for your insight. Good advice for adults who are also, ‘picked on’. God bless your ministry.
Thank you for sharing! It’s terrible this behavior is even seen in pre-schools. My son has been bullied in Christian schools in kindergarten and 1st grade. I was please how it was handled. Now he’s in a new school, and they are on top of the bullying and teaching the children daily about character.
My simple response to my son is hurting people hurt people and we pray for those children. We’ve seen the bully turn around and they are now become friends! Thank you GOD for answered prayer. We also read Jesus Calling each morning in the car as a reminder God is with us, and teaching my son to turn to God when he’s having a hard time with other people.
Thank you. Just this week my 8 year old son was bullied and threatened at school. Mama Bear was unleashed. He did the right thing reporting it to teacher and principal. Had a meeting with principal. It was addressed and “mean kid” got disciplined. My son was scared of retaliation. I was so proud of him for sticking up for himself. Then I have a step daughter that is a cheerleader. Which you know how kaddy cheerleaders are. Enough said there. The ugliness has to stop. They know they are is loved and have the support of their family. The Mama and Papa Bears need to stand up and support their children and teach them truly what is acceptable behavior and what is not.
My 13 year old son ran in the cross country meet. He was about lower middle of the pack crossing the line. (Not fast just a diligent runner) Our rivals (another middle school) had 3 talented runners-all made like top 5 out of 150 kids!). They approached him after race. One of them said, “Hey, what was your time.” My son said, “Well, not as good as yours. haha.” I walked up. Not sure if they were about to tease him or not but the next words saved them:) “What place did you get?” My son replied, “Ummm…like 80th or something. Not sure.” All three of them took turns encouraging him, with “Hey, man next time you will improve a lot, I bet.” (Other comments followed). I am a former teacher of the district where he goes to school so I made a bee line to the principal and told him how kind these 3 young men were (whether they did it because I was standing there-I do not know but I prefer to think they were just being good kids). He raised his eyebrow…are you sure? I gave him their numbers on the back of the jersey. He was kind of shocked. I picked up they might be trouble makers at school. But by the time Monday rolled around they had been called into the office and congratulated on sportsmanship. Then it got to the district officials. Next track meet-they sought out my kid again, encouraging him. I called or emailed again. Somehow they needed the praise-so I gave it. The next track meet I pulled them aside. I told all three of them, “This year has been hard on my son. I have stage 2 (now stage 4) cancer. Running track is just something he threw himself into to take his mind off of my illness. You hold great power in your words and I am so glad you used them to lift him up.” One of the boys got choked up. “We got his back.” Sometimes a little sugar goes a long way with the roughest of kids. Consequently, I have seen them here and there and they kind of seek out my son. Not friends but encouragers. I have a feeling they were not always this way. That is ok. I am just glad they used their power for good..not evil. Thank you for writing your post! Mean kids make me crazy!
I am so sorry about your cancer. Oh my. I will pray for you.
I have to add, this story is AWESOME! I love it. Not long ago, I slipped a note in my son’s lunch just telling him I hope he is having a great day. The kids at his table started making fun of him because his mommy put a note in his lunch (I only knew about it, because I found it crumbled up and asked why–he used to save every single note I wrote him and I was surprised to see it destroyed). Anyway, he told me that the kids started making fun of him but one kid at his table jumped in and said, “I think it’s cool your mom wrote you a note. I wish my mom would write me a note.” I immediately sent a text to his mom telling her thank you to her son for sticking up for Elijah. She texted back and said, “You’re welcome, except he didn’t really say it to stick up for Elijah–he really DOES want me to write him notes. I had no idea! I’m sticking one in his lunch now.” I thought that was cute.
My point: Yes, when kids encourage each other, it should be celebrated. Big.
Texas CC,
What a beautiful story or love and encouragement. It made me cry. Many parents are so quick to point out bad behavior. Bravo to you for taking the time to draw attention to the kindness of those boys.
I will pray for you too.
Kim
My son was bullied mercilessly from grade school through middle school. I did not know how close he was to committing suicide. We switched schools the beginning of 9th grade to a Christian School and he blossomed. He also met the love of his life and they were married the year after graduation. They have been married 10 years and are expecting their 3rd child and he is studying to be a middle or high school teacher and to help kids who are being bullied. Not everyone can switch schools but we were fortunate that we could. Thanks, Sandy, for your wonderful comments.
Well done mom. We dont have to be afraid of our kids going to school and getting picked on. They will go through this their entire life. Especially Christians. Its not because they go to school and home schooling them wont protect them from bullies. I hear that fear a lot in parents with young kids. We have to do our job as parents and they will be okay.
I am the teacher in a tiny private Christian school. I have an 8th grader who tells her mom and aunt that she is bullied by another girl at church and youth group events. From my perspective, she is insecure and so possessive of another 8th grade girl’s friendship that she is jealous because the other girls are friends. I hear her make comments that remind the class of times when the other girl was embarrassed. She is bossy and gets upset at little things like whose turn it is to read and how long their turn is. I have talked to all 3 moms. All 3 girls told their parents that at times they wished they could go to school somewhere else because 2 of them were afraid of being bullied and the other was tired of the possessive girl trying to stop her from being friends with everyone.
During school hours they seem to get along. I have been aware of the situation for several months and have never seen the other two being unkind, exclusive, or mean to the one who thinks she is a victim. When I talk to her mother, she cries and tells me how much it hurts, and I believe her, but I see her child as the problem. I have tried to gently suggest that the mean things she says and her possessiveness are pushing the others away, and she always answers that she has text messages to prove it. I suggested she show the texts to the other parents.
We teach anti-bullying and the kids tell me they feel safe at school. We just had a formal evaluation, and they wrote on the student survey that they feel safe. Yet one of the girls was sick 2 days last week, but her aunt said it was because she is picked on by the other girls and couldn’t bear to be with them. I see them working together cooperatively. Am I blind? I have been trying to catch the others for several months. What else should I be doing?
Have you tried to get the 3 girls together? My daughter and her friends had a similar dynamic and I just could not figure out what was happening to make my daughter so upset. So, I invited all the girls and their moms to my house for a bible study. It was summer, so we met for 8 weeks. It broke down a lot of barriers and helped them bond. It also helped me observe first hand what was happening.
Girls this age are so hypersensitive. One wrong look and it’s “She hates me.” The hard part is, even if it’s just a perceived hate, it feels the same as real hate to the “victim.” So, either way, you have to deal with it.
I would either continue trying to get the girls to work through it or steer each of them toward new friendships.
Lydia gives a common point of view, but an example of erroneous reasoning. Ask yourself thus, if the house catches fire are you going to pick up your kids and escape, or are you going to tell them they need to figure out what to do? The author here gives a balanced perspective on when to act. She doesn’t endorse always jumping in but intelligently suggests ways to gracefully intervene. There are times when children need our help.
I LOVE this!!!! My daughter is 9 years kid and we had a similar mean kid incident. We were at a football game and a male classmate was chasing her, grabbing her feet to make her fall, then humping her. Yes that’s right! We are talking a 4th grade boy! Mdaughter came running to us crying. My husband tracked that kid down and gave him a good talking to! School officials of course did nothing! That boy always tells my daughter here dad his mean and scary. His mom rolled her eyes and said what can I do?! I’m going to be reading this to my kids. Thank you for sharing it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpT9PL8RCw0
Let’s look at this from a different point of view. Watch the video, the text at the end reads,
“A Day at work doesn’t look like this, why should a day at school?” Really powerful to see it this way….
I don’t understand people thinking it’s wrong to intervene, wouldn’t you do it if you worked at the office where this guy in the ad works??? And he is an ADULT!!! Wake up people, we have to intervene, to protect our children from being treated poorly and also to let “mean kids” know their behavior is wrong and intolerable, since apparently they do NOT know that or they wouldn’t be behaving that way. And as long as it’s done respectfully, it can be considered constructive criticism, afterall the goal is not to BECOME a bully yourself. Adults who behave the way some “mean kids” do, go to jail. If that’s where you want your child to end up, by all means, don’t teach them it’s wrong to disrespect other people. Minimize the damage every time they behave poorly. Don’t talk to them about dignity,either their own, or that of others. That’s a surefire way to get them into trouble as an adult, a time when the bully behavior they practiced as a child will now how consequences for them, like jail time, or being fired from a job. Please try to understand, it’s not acceptable to let your child ever degrade another human being. If they don’t learn now, and you as a parent don’t teach them, the judicial system will have to.
Just wanted to say how much I loved this article. It made me laugh..and tear up a bit. Like all moms, I related. I’ve had the same conversation multiple times, for I have found that it’s needed multple times. Remind her. We call it morning devotional. Morning prayer, a quick scripture and a a mini pep talk. We got to arm our little ones with HIS armour!
Thanks again
P.s we should start a p90 kick your kids butt support group
Thank you for sharing this. I really needed to read this. My 7 year old comes home often and says “nobody likes me and they are mean”. I’ve explained to her many times that it is not her. She is a very sweet child, loves to take care of people and wants to be friends with everybody. She gets that not everybody is nice and sometimes they just don’t know any better, but the initial meanness still bothers her. I will also be reading this to her so she knows that she is not the only one that gets picked on.
One thing I have told her to do is, if a child is mean to her or tries to get her to do something wrong to not do it no matter what the other child says. Then wait, if possible, to go talk with the teacher about it, maybe during recess. This way the child does see my daughter telling on her and it puts it on the teacher to be the “mean”one. So far this tactic has worked well for her.
Thanks again for sharing.
Much wisdom and light gained when we testify of the Goodness of Christ together and follow his teachings. We each have so much to offer each other through our personal experiences. Love it! I have found some of the best advice and inspiration and guidance – to lift your souls,
and inspire our hearts on a website called lds.org and also themormonchannel. We are all children of God, and he loves us each so dearly.
I LOVE THIS STORY! People need to hear more stories like these! It made me cry! (infact ball) Everyone needs a mother like that! THAT’S THE WAY MOTHER’S SHOULD BE! GOD IS GOOD!! <3
You had many great things to say in this blog post. Many readers have great things to say.
But like a few of your readers, I too am concerned over the opening statements: “I hate mean kids. I do. I hate them.” Yes, you did preface it by saying that it is not very Christiany. But that doesn’t justify your choice of words.
Many people (Christians included) rationalize that they have a right to say what they want to say, and fail to consider what effect their words will have.
Unfortunately, Christians are all too often regarded as haters. How I wish that were not so!
Jolene,
Thank you for stating your opinion with kindness and respect.
I understand why you’d have a problem with the opening statement. It’s harsh. I know. And I absolutely cringe to think someone would associate me with being a Hater. You are dead-on…they should identify us by our love.
Believe it or not, I chose those words on purpose. As a writer (even as a Christian writer) I try to capture and articulate reality as I see it. I am trying to convey a deep, visceral emotion that emerges when a mother sees her child repeatedly hurt by another child.
That emotion is hate.
I don’t see it as “I have a right to say whatever I want to say.” That’s not it at all. I believe our words have the power of life and death. I have been blogging for many years and I have been extremely deliberate about my choice of words from day one, knowing full well the weight of the responsibility of this ministry .
I chose the word “hate” because it IS such a strong word. And I qualify it all over the place because while it so accurately conveys a mother’s feelings, it’s also not how Jesus would feel about the Mean Kid.
Not justifying the feeling, just describing it.
Sandy, I think there is a difference between saying, “I hate you” and something like, “Feelings of hatred rise up within me when…..” By saying the latter, you are not stating that you hate someone, which like you said, Jesus would never do. And surely He does not approve of us hating people.
I do find it hard to believe that you purposely chose the harsh verbage. I totally understand and appreciate your wanting to be transparent and real, but I still feel that choices of words like you used do a lot to harm our Christian witness. “By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you have love one for another.” John 13:35
I want to be your friend.
Thank u thank u thank u. My 7 year old daughter was the only girl on the bsketball court yesterday. Parents from the other team told their sons “stay on #5, you can get the ball” we are not allowed to yell at the refs during the games or we will be kicked out for the rest of the season. My daughter tried to throw a ball in. The other team didnt give her any space to do it. The other coaches didnt correct them. The refs didnt correct them. My daughter was helpless. She kept looking at the ref for help. MAMMA BEAR CAME OUT. I jumped up, screamed this is ridiculous and walked out of the gym, afraid I would be kicked out. Then I slammed a door. I wish I had read this before her game. I told my daughter after the game that I was ashamed at how I acted. I shouldnt have yelled. It didnt solve anything. It made things worse. I am going to read this entire post with her so she sees how I should have handled the situation. I should have talked calmly to the ref after the game. I have learned a lesson. You are never too old to learn a better way.
I agree with the author; especially with younger kids. If I’m there and see kids behaving badly, I ought to speak up- in the approximately the same manner the teacher would. I can’t punish or discipline another kid, but I can say ‘quit it,’ and remind them that they wouldn’t act like that if front of their own parent or teacher. And if they smart back- I have no problem giving them the full adult look of scorn- because at that point- there IS something wrong with that kid in my opinion if they are caught bullying without shame. But I am fortunately that my children have not been targets, other than the routine ups and downs of grade school. No kids ever feels truly popular, but mine seem OK, and are kind. We are lucky- I believe a lot of character is inborn, not all of it learned.
However, I do think it is important for my kids- especially my daughter- to learn that there are some people who are simply not going to like her. No matter what. And that there is absolutely nothing she can do about it, no matter how smart, beautiful and sweet she is, and that is OK. I’ve spend too much time in my life worrying about whether people like me, and trying to please everyone, that it’s hindered my career and caused undue stress. I hope to give her the gift of not worrying about the occasional mean woman.
I saw your article the other day, and just finished reading it to my 11 yr old son and my husband. Thank you so much for sharing your story! You never know what to say, we have even tried to befriend kids, and it has worked for a little while, but ultimately it was best for us to just avoid them. We think that our children can handle it themselves, but you are exactly right about empowering them to understand that the mean kid has problems and go tell an adult. Then say something, like “stop it” to them when they have the confidence. I will certainly be sharing your words! Thanks again, Alyce
I read this article and thought how I would have and have handled the situation in the very same way. Teaching our children/grand children that if they will take a moment to think b4 they speak and remember to try and not say something to someone they would not want said to them, perhaps we can help just a bit in this crazy world. I’m almost 60 and I thought it was tough when I raised my daughter in the 80’s and 90’s. It’s nothing like today in a world where so many parents (not all) set there children in front of Xbox’s Play Stations etc. don’t make them go out and play (granted due to the internet and other social media) it needs to be in the yard or someone else’s where they can be checked on frequently) due to the boldness and sickness of the predators of today! With hardships and drugs so rampant no one is really safe against these desperate deviants. I know that sounds harsh but it’s a reality. When you can’t allow an 11 yr. old to ride a bike by there selves in your own subdivision in a rural community it’s sad! It is what it is and the best we can due is teach them to trust in God and to be aware at all times. Never no matter what walk up to a car and scream fire and run if someone approaches them. Teaching them to stand up for there selves and friends and even other children if they see them being bullied or pushed around can sometimes stop what could have been a terrible situation . There is power in numbers. Always tell because you won’t be a tattle tale, you might just save someone’s life. Be real blunt and honest with them. Assure them they will not be in trouble and they will be respected for having helped. I have found in most cases the children that bully are usually the one’s who are ignored, abused, and been left to fend for there selves and they do not have the social skills to make friends and really if people got to know them and reach out there is always the hope that some can be reached. We must pray for them and again take the time to listen and care and watch what they see and hear because in todays world there is no telling at a very early age what they will be exposed to. I have found that explaining it’s ok to get upset because life is not always fair and there’s a lot of meanness out there. The key is when they get upset if they know the boundaries and they know how to release it without harming there selves or others they can release the frustration and then let it go and figure out a solution. Holding it in leads to so much anger and acting out or even suicide in some cases. My final thought is teaching coping skills at a very early age is key and with God all things are possible!
As a teacher, this is near and dear to my heart. We constantly drive home the idea that bystanders can completely change a negative situation. We are always on the look-out for a student who is being picked on. We try to empower the nice kids to bring more nice kids to the ‘good side’. We teach that building up is much better than breaking down.
However, I’d like to put this into perspective for adults, as we are guilty of standing by all too often. Think of the last time you saw an adult putting down another adult. It didn’t have to be an all-out rage session, perhaps just those negative little comments that eat away at resolve and confidence. Did you step up? Did you put your arm around that person’s shoulders and tell them you’re on their side? Did you go tell the Mean Adult to stop?
We work so hard to instill this power in children. To make sure they know they can be the nice kid. The kid who makes a difference. But have we ever actually thought how difficult that is? It seems so simple, and yet the act we expect of children is actually quite difficult.
In the coffee room and hear someone gossiping about someone else? Hear a coworker berating someone about a mistake? Witness someone in a beauty salon mutter a racist comment? Did you say something? Did you stand up for the bullied? Did you tell the bully to stop?
THIS is what we are asking children to do. It’s not any easier because they are kids. In fact, it’s a lot harder. They are less secure in who they are. They look more for the acceptance of those around them. They see life far more black and white, but have less tools to help them navigate situations. And yet, we expect kids to step up in pressure-filled circumstances. To be ‘the good guy.’ To be the change in someone’s life.
This is all good. I will always stand behind equipping kids to navigate a life with Mean People so that they come out on top and can help others do the same thing.
But I would ask you… do you do what you are teaching your children to do?
Gosh…I sure HOPE I model this behavior. I definitely think I do. 🙂 How unfair of me to expect this of my children and then not live it out myself. Good point.
Thank you for your comments on bullying. My granddaughter comes home most days with a story of how she has been treated by some of her classmates. I have practically run out of advice for her. This article has come at the best time. God bless you for sharing.
Thank you so much. My son is in 1st grade. There is a Mean Kid in his class. They are both 7. Recently Mean Kid hit my son in PE. my son told a teacher and Mean Kid was disciplined. When I got home I had 3 messages from another parent urging me to have this 7 year old child put in alternative school. This parent was encouraging me to call the school board and demand that this child, who is not my child, in an alternative school so he wouldn’t hurt her son. It isn’t my place to put another persons child anywhere. Even going so far to say that administrators at the school were encouraging parents to call the board. And is this parent going to demand that a child be placed in alternative school every time someone looks sideways at her son? My request to my son was to teach this little boy how to be a friend. Maybe no one has ever shown him how to be a friend. I told my son to never allow the boy to hit, push etc, only to show him how to be kind to people. The boy is 7. He is still learning and his parents are either ill-equipped to help him or don’t care too. My job is to teach MY son how to be a productive member of society and how to handle people-not to handle other peoples children so not to hurt my child. I appreciate the honesty with which this blog is written:)
I think its good that we are all talking about bullying, its sad we have to, my parents decided when I was going into middle school that my sister and I should go to a different school, my sister was getting into a bad group, and was getting in trouble, so we switched schools!! I was out of place, farmers daughter trying to fit in with the city kids, it was very hard, I don’t blame my parents or my sister, but I finnaly asked my parents if I could go back to my old school, and I did!! life was much better, I always taught my kids to watch out for kids who need a friend, because that was me, many years ago. my son and his best friend stood up in class and escorted out 2 trouble makers in class who were making fun of a girl. they took them to the principals office. later that day I got a call from my sons football coach telling me what the boys did, and how he used them for an example at practice. he said that’s how he wanted all his players to act, to help those in need and to always be the bigger person, a few more times when he was in school I heard this kind of thing. and I felt very blessed, sometimes we as parents have great examples to use for our kids, they do listen, something good came from me having been bullied,, my son stood up when he saw something bad happening and he chose to stop it from continuing, and he helped that little girl.
I love the way that you worded this. I have two 6-year-olds and have been teaching them these concepts since day 1. Even as toddlers I teach my children to look into the eyes of the Mean Kid and say “Don’t do that. I don’t like that.” I feel they have a responsibility to themselves and others to address the behavior head on. My son is autistic and his sister will often stand up for him when he is being teased. She tells them, directly, that their behavior is inappropriate and mean. Fortunately, after being addressed, my kids often leave the ordeal with a new friend. They are young enough that the Mean Kid is so shocked at being kindly and firmly confronted that they decide my kid might be someone fun to play with. I pray that it continues to work so beautifully.
I have been raising kids now for 44 straight years without a break…natural plus blended then adopted several…i am now raising a grandchild. I have taught them to ALWAYS use this line to deal with mean kids. ” Jesus loves you and so do I” Whenever you use the name of Jesus it diffuses you and Satan cannot abide where Jesus very name is being spoken. My kids didn’t always agree but when they started using it, it did diffuse the pain for them because they were sharing the love of Christ!! How can that ever be the wrong thing to do. When my teenagers would act out, I used it to diffuse my own anger and it worked on both of us. Strangely it never gets old….calling on Jesus…my thoughts….Christ is never the wrong answer….
Absolutely beautifully said!!!!
This post kind of hurt my heart a little to read. I totally understand where you are coming from but it really hurt when you said that you HATE mean kids and all the other people agreeing with you just make it worse. My son will likely be one of these mean kids. He spits on people and hits. I am doing my very best to teach him properly. He is being raised in a Christ centered home with two very loving parents. We take time with him regularly and are consistent with discipline but he has autism and nothing we do seems to help much with his behavior. I know you probably didn’t mean that you hate my son but it felt like you did. And it is more some of the comments than it is the post. I am tired of people acting like it is my parenting that has made him this way. Random people come up to me all the time and tell me I need to get him under control. Believe me, I have tried. So I just wanted to note, mainly for the commentators, that sometimes no matter what you do as a parent your kid is STILL “mean” and unruly.
Dear Brit,
I read your comment after I posted and I think I know exactly where you’re coming from. Yes, we have one of “those kids” too. I pray that it gets better for your son and for you as you try to teach him. Sometimes it takes years for these things to sink in when a kiddo has special needs. I have several friends whose kids are on the spectrum. All of their issues are quite different from each other. I don’t think there could be anything harder than walking in your shoes. I have walked some of that path myself, and only now in 6th grade have we been able to get any help at school for our son. He is in an emotional support program. But he still gets teased by the other kids for being in special classes. He hates being thought of as different. He hates other kids knowing that he is in ES. I hope that things will improve for yr son and that others will be more understanding of him. Our 9yo son has actually been the brunt of his big brother’s bullying far too many times. But God has used these things in our 9yo’s life too. He has reached out to a boy at our church with autism and they have become buddies. Sometimes I’m convinced that it only takes one special friend to make a difference for someone. Perhaps there is someone who will be that for yr son. Blessings.
To both Brit and Debbie, I do agree with all the different behavioral and mental illnesses that are coming to our knowledge these days, that we need to try and find out why our children do what they do. I loved watching Fred Claus this last Christmas and the big point is these children on the naughty list had real reasons for being naughty. A friend of mine has a high functioning autistic child and she lashes out physically and verbally and it’s hard on both ends to deal with it. I even had a brother who got in trouble in high school for “fighting”, basically another kid wanted to start a fight and my brother held back his hands to protect him bust got in trouble for putting his hands on him, however he got the mark as being the “mean” kid. We need love and understanding to rule our lives and our parenting choices.
I love this post. You are a great mom. Boy have I been I your side of the fence! Many times. Mama bear is an understatement! Interestingly though I have also been on the other side. My so called friend accused my daughter of being mean to her girls. I looked into the details and situations and dealt with these accusations for months kindly. I asked all other moms in the neighborhood and out. All said my daughter had never been mean. It started to effect my relationship with my daughter, I started questioning her integrity because of what this woman was saying. One day after the mother had to switch her daughters classes because of their competitive issues I realized it wasn’t about my daughter or me. It was about them. Long story short these girls…this family was going through something. The girls are twins and we’re having some real issues with competition. It is very sad but this woman continues to have get togethers with all the girls in our neighborhood and continues to leave my daughter out. It really hurts her feelings. I try to teach my kids to be like Jesus but what do you do when someone can’t see what awful hurt they’ve caused?
Our 12yo son has ADHD, some learning disabilities and emotional problems. He is very verbal and very impulsive with his actions and also the things he says. So as a mom, I have been on both sides of this issue with him. There have been plenty of times when he has been the offender, but also even more times that he has been picked on, belittled, and gotten in trouble at school for a wrong response to an offense, (even though he was set up).
Has it been hard? Terribly. We even took him out of school for a year because he was even getting picked on by his teachers. He was getting no help in the classroom to help him through his day, not academically or socially, even though we had meeting after meeting and we asked many times for help. Medication was a disaster with side effects worse than the original issue. Therapy didn’t even make a dent in the issue. His brain is wired differently and he has such a hard time making connections that other kids do. We have had him apologize to teachers and other students when he has caused the problem. Now he is back in school and having some success, but still gets in trouble a lot for his impulsive words and behaviors. Even though I know it’s hard for him, I still want him to learn the right social behaviors. If another parent kindly asked him to stop saying mean things, I know he would respond by being sorry. And I’m sure he’d feel very embarrassed. The thing that helps me through all this is knowing that he still has an active conscience. As moms, I think we need to pray for kids on both sides of this issue. Now that our son is more often in the position of being the one getting picked on, the shoe is on the other foot. He is not quite ready to concede to praying for his “enemies” yet, but he is learning not to retaliate,which for him is a huge step. Right now I think the main reason he doesn’t is because he doesn’t want to get in more trouble. Not necessarily the best reason, but it is a reason, and one that is working for him presently. As a mom, I feel that Mama bear instinct often and want to step in and defend him and say,”You people don’t know what my son goes through everyday just to keep his mouth shut and not get into trouble. You don’t know how hard he’s working and how far he’s come. Why can’t you stop picking on him and let him be?” He has especially had a difficult time on the bus. I have contemplated giving him a ride, but mornings are such a juggling act, it would be tricky to make it work. Thankfully the principal (a wonderful lady) is keeping an eye on the situation and has put a monitor on the bus. Sorry, my post is far too long. I just want to say let’s support our kids the best way we know how and support each other as Moms. None of us are perfect, but we can all agree that we love our kids and are trying to do what’s best for them with God’s help. If people really knew what kids go through each day just to go to school, I think we’d be shocked. Thanks, Sandy for yr awesome blog. Keep up the great writing!
I loved this article! My children for now are too young to have delt with the “mean” kid, but I definitely had to deal with then growing up and I know how important it is for our children to know that we love them and have their back no matter what. But as a parent what has been shocking to me and has left me completely taken a back is the “mean” parent!? My children are being bullied by my sister-in-law and I seriously don’t know how to handle it. She is vindictive and as she puts it “I go out for revenge” and she prides herself in it. She has tried to bully me and I have delt with it… But lately she’s been going after my kids and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it. She loves yelling and screaming and telling my son how bad he is and how wrong he is doing things… It’s been effecting him a lot, he looks depressed and I’ve even caught him saying “I’m a bad kid” his whole personality has changed since she’s moved back in state. I think if it was anyone else like a stranger I’d just let her know that she has no right to tell at my kid unless he was hurting himself or another person and that if she has an issue she should being it to me and I’ll work it out with my kids. But since she’s a relative and vindictive, I worry about how it will play out long term and with the rest of the family…. Any suggestions?
None that would be constructive or legal…
You are in charge of who you let in your life. YOU are in charge of who you let in your child’s life. I would try to problem solve with my sister in law but if she “goes for revenge”, I would protect myself and my children. I will never sacrifice them to keep any kind of peace in the family.
Side note, I love this article.
I loved your article! Though I do have one thing to add, while I agree with all your reasonings as to why a Mean Kid is a mean kid, I’d like to add that some kids have learning disabilities, and don’t even realize when they are being mean. My son has ADHD (as well as PDD-NOS) he occasionally says some hurtful things without realizing that what he is saying is in fact hurtful to someone else. I too grew up with ADHD, and still have it in my adulthood.. I was a pretty mean kid growing up, my mom didn’t want to medicate me because in my time even though only 26 years ago, Ritalin was the go-to medication for kids with ADHD. It didn’t work for me and in a very negative way, so my mother had taken me off and refused to try anything else in fear of the same side effects. I had to grow up trying to figure out how to cope with my ADHD symptoms but the biggest one I had was saying things to people that I did not realize was even hurtful and I did this all the way through to my adulthood. I have recently learned (and again, I am not 26 years old) that my ADHD was affecting my family when I didn’t acknowledge it before. I got medicated and now I can actually see more clearly between right from wrong (when it comes to saying things) I can stop and think about what I am going to say before I say it where as pre-meds I was just very bluntly honest and didn’t think about how it was coming out and how it would affect that person.
So I understand what children like my son have to go through, I know that a lot of things he does and says is on impulse without thinking about it first. I know he does some things, like get frustrated and uncontrollably hits his brother, most kids his age (6) know better not to hit anyone.. but for him, it wasn’t something he can control (SOME times I say lol, some times he acknowledges it before doing it.. it seems to depend on his level of frustration) he has immediately gotten apologetic, become very sensitive, and has even cried and bawled at the thought that he just physically hurt someone.
So while I do agree with many things that you have said because there are kids who are just plain mean. I hope that you can open up to the idea that one of these “Mean Kids” could actually be going through something much more deep than just wanting to fit in, to feel strong, etc.
I am trying to raise my child to understand the same morals you have. Many children are mean to him because he is “different”.. But right now it’s a little hard to explain that to a 6 year old, let alone one with special needs that has comprehension issues. I will also try to teach my children that along with being a mean kid is never okay, that these very kids they were mean to can grow up to be your best friend like so many kids I was mean to are my best friends now. It’s hard to teach your child to have the mentality of an adult and to be able to think before they speak/do and to know the consequences before hand lol!
There are going to be stages in your child’s life when they encounter mean people. I have always used those opportunities to teach my children the right way. My first some, 21 now, was constantly being bullied at soccer practice. This kid would kick his ball so hard and so far away then make him get it. He would push him and other rude things. I told him look, if he keeps hitting you on the field, you’re gonna have to defend yourself. Shove him back. If he kicks your ball out of bounds and into the tree line tell him to go get it. My son was so laid back he didn’t care and thought the other kid was being funny. I had to tell him that was not so. 😉 one day during practice I see this kid kick my sons ball far out and then shove my son. I called my sons name from across the field and he replies, it’s ok mom I got him back like you told me too!! Hahaha the dad turned to look at me and I was like smirking and just shrugged my shoulders. 😉 that kid NEVER hit my son again. So I think violence is the answer no. But he learned to defend himself when it seemed relentless. My second son, now 20, was cruelly emotionally abused by some of the meanest girls. I mean he would say hi and smile and they would just say shut up. They told him he was ugly, he couldn’t sing, said he smelled, I mean you name it it was said. This was at a Christian school too! It was so hard watching him come home in tears. He has a heart of gold and loves the Lord. Well after so any interventions, I took my son aside. I didn’t feed his emotional heartbreaks. By that, I didn’t encourage a victim mentality. I wanted my son to rise above this and learn how to properly handle these situations. We encouraged him to write down verses on index cards. He memorized them. Whenever these girls were mean, which was daily, we would have him recite Scripture. Why? Cause kids could give a rip about your kids opinions or their incessant stop that’s, that’s not nice, I’m gonna tell, etc. We gave our son verses that he could respond with to mean things. Not only did it help him memorize Scripture, he didn’t become victimized. Plus we told him that if those girls say anything mean back to him, then they would be arguing with Gods Word. It’s a heart issue. So you those girls never said anything to him? They may have thought it or talked about him in the bathroom, but that wasn’t something to think about. That’s between them and Jesus and they will be held accountable for their words and actions. It wasn’t something for our son to worry himself over. It empowered him. It reminded him to be kind. Today, he is a freshman at college and he can handle any mean kids. He prays for them and shows them nothing but love. Praise God!
A friend shared this article on FB and I just want you to know it brought tears to my eyes! I have a 10 yr old daughter and 7 year old son both have experienced some bullying and we have had some talks about how to handle themselves. I love the advice you gave to your son! As we approach middle school, this will present itself again and I will definitely refer back to this piece as a resource.
AMEN! Whenever my children had a problem, there was always “the talk”. I tried to help them figure out what was real (that they are good people) and what was not (what someone else says in anger or mocking), to help them learn how to cope, to be empathetic, to be protective of their friends and to know who really was a friend. And I told them at every opportunity that I loved them, and that God loved them. That is my children’s Teflon coating. It doesn’t mean everything won’t “stick”, but it seemed to get them thru the incidents.
Well done and well said! Validates some of the things I shared with my son when he went through a rough patch at school. The other thing I did was report the incident, but it happened at school at recess, so that is proper protocol. Things are much better now, but it took a lot of prayer. Your post has helped me and so many others who feel lost: just like our kids! Thank you so much for the brilliant advice and the great chuckle over P90X.
Fellow mama bear 😉
did not read through all comments to see if this was addressed but you missed a very important opportunity to do what you said you signed up your son to achieve. 1. he encourages and compliments team members. perfect. 2. he felt comfortable enough to tell you someone was being mean to him. fantastic. 3. you took care of the problem and resolved it. nope. i never get involved unless there is immediate physical threat to my child.
how much would his self confidence and skill set be advanced if you helped him figure out how to solve it himself? my daughter was being bullied. we talked about ways to deal with it. we did role play. we came up with retorts. we developed a reporting strategy. i never told her to ignore it and it will go away. i never got involved except to sometimes ask if it will still happening. she came home one day smiling from ear to ear while skipping and told me she had done it, she had solved the problem. she gave me a blow by blow account of the encounter, the backbone she had displayed and the bully backing down. that child did not bully her further. if bullied again my child will handle it herself. as a young adult she will handle the rude person in her space or bad date. as an adult she will handle her jerk boss or co-worker. … not run to her mother to solve the problem or wring her hands and feel bad that she doesn’t know what to do.
Tami,
That is wonderful! But it will not always work. My child is now 21, and he solves his own problems, but that does not mean he can’t come to me for advice, or simply a shoulder to lean on, as your daughter did, and you took action. Perhaps you did not get involved physically, but you coached her, and guided her. So you were involved even if indirectly. Some bullies don’t stop though. Some bullies escalate when they see that no one is going to do anything and they can get away with their behavior. Contrary to the popular myth, not all bullies back down when confronted. Children have a multitude of personalities too. My son does not run to me to solve his problems, but I would not have hesitated to get involved when he was smaller. As he got older, I passed more of that responsibility onto him, as he was ready to handle it. As I said in my earlier response, I will not violate the trust that I will always be there for my child, grown or not. Since no one was there to help me, I learned the only way to solve the problem was to fight! I learned that if I didn’t want to get picked on, and no adult would back me up, I had to be faster and meaner than the person bullying me. Nobody gave me any other solution, and I trusted no one as a result. Children do not have the abstract thought process to before the age of 12 or so to work it out the way an adult would. They operate on concrete thought only. Imagine what would have happened with your daughter if you had not become involved even from the sidelines? Each adult will handle it differently too based on his/her life experience. It does not make your way better or worse than how Sandy handled it.
Tami,
I’m glad your daughter was able to handle the situation. Sometimes a parent has to step in. In our situation it took my input for the bullying to stop. Why? Because my 6th grade son was being bullied by a younger student egged on by one of his classmates. I had coached my son and it wasn’t working. Because the person kicking him was younger and it was happening off school grounds the principal couldn’t step in. When my son came home in tears because our plan had not worked, I approached the two boys as they walked home from school. All it took was me asking my son’s classmate to introduce me to his younger friend and asking a couple of questions. Once I knew that indeed this first grader was hitting and kicking my son, who was not responding but running away, I could tell my son’s classmate that I was very disappointed that he wasn’t helping his friend to act his age. I also pointed out that his mother, who had worked with me on PTA business, would be very disappointed if she knew. It was important for my son to know I had his back. It was also important for those boys to know that the adults in their community were aware of their behavior. They would be held accountable.
In Elementary School my son was teased by the “jocks” because he didn’t play sports. He had a wonderful teacher and a mom who told him to embrace who he was, and never act the way these other boys did. My son is now in High School, and has found a great group of friends who like the same things he does. He is smart, caring, and funny. He is going to be a success in life and he never had to resort to being a mean kid. I loved your article. Neither of my boys has ever been a mean kid, we can teach our children the right way.
I have two children and me and my wife both teach them to stand up for themselves. We have had to deal with issues more with my daughter than with my son. My daughter is the older of the two and has started middle school. The bullying seems to never stop whether is is from boys or girls. I have had to step in once or twice after the bully didn’t seem to get the message from her. Me and my wife are ones that try and let our kids resolve things first, but I have no issues sticking up for my kids and stepping in. I still remember to this day a kid that was bullied when I was in High School that took his own life, because of the pain he was enduring. One of the biggest problems I see is that starts at home. It seems and this is my own personal experience is that the parent or parents of the bully doesn’t care and give guidance to their child. There is no discipline from home. The one boy that was being a bully to not only my daughter, but to some of her friends, does not have a parent around. His grandmother is raising him and there just seems to be no discipline coming from her. I know for a fact she has had to go to the school and answer for him, but the next day he was right back at it. That is when I stepped in and as you did Sandy, I talked with him when no one was around and stated my displeasure in how he was talking to my daughter and her friends. I told him if I ever heard of him speaking to her like that again, he would see me in the principals office and we would deal with it from there. So far so good since the little chat I had with him. I think as I have gone through life, because I was picked on and ran away and never said anything, I want my children to know it is no OK to be bullied. That is why we talk with our kids about being bullied and that they need to speak to us about it. Also we have reminded them to never be that person, the bully. Thanks for the great article, it was a great read.
I grew up as a nerdy skinny kid in a very diverse and rough high school. I had BIG Tongan friends that are like brothers to me, still are. I knew they always had my back. I didn’t run to them anytime something happened. I tried dealing with things myself and only had to have their help once. Maybe word got around, or maybe that is all the kid needed to cut it out. The bully wasn’t quite so tough when my Tongan friend approached him in the middle of Varisty baseball practice and said he would have a BIG problem if he ever heard of me having issues again.
My wife is fearful of my 7 year old son already being bullied at school. He is very thoughtful and sensitive and kids are beginning to bully him. I talk to him about what happens and discuss with him the right approach to deal with various situations. He is young and teasing is one thing, but as kids get older, it can turn worse fast. If needs be, come middle school, all his friends will be introduced to his Tongan brothers. Amazing how it works.
My 5 year old daughter came home so upset that 2 girls were mean to her. We just hugged her and told her that we love her and not to worry about those 2. Find different people to be around at school. Broke my heart, but this article showed up on my FB as soon as I logged on. Thanks for the encouragement.
We just had to switch our 6 year old out of the magnet school she was in. The first month of school a classmate said be hated her. He appologized and we let the school keep an eye on it. Then I get a call about a month later that same kid wants to kill her. The school was no help and our daughter is still traumatized. But she is doing well in her new school. It is very sad when bullies get excuses and pardoned. Always let your kids know they matter and you don’t put up with it at all. Very sad to see what a few words have done to our little girl. 🙁 but everyday is a building block to a new stronger you. 🙂
This was so nice to read, and this is exactly what I say to my daughter (apart from the Jesus stuff as we are not religious but I totally respect that you are) but I do install the strength for her to tell people when they are being mean etc, tell them she is not happy with it. I also tell her to ALWAYS tell me or a teacher etc and that I will ALWAYS have her back. NEVER to bully and to always help out those getting picked on.
I guess as long as we do this we can hope to have kind children but that can stick up for themselves and also know we have them covered, we are doing our jobs right.
Oh and I have been that mum that has approached a mean child, I help out in my daughters school so I know most of the kids their so I feel comfortable approaching them.
I also did the same thing when a boy age about 14 pulled my daughter who is 7 off of an inflatable at our local pool, he was very cheeky back to me, so I complained to the manager who removed him from the pool. No way was my daughter going to be in tears without me saying something.
Wow! I haven’t been to your blog before but I loved this post. I homeschool my three children and so many people think that because of that mine never will encounter ‘mean’ children but it’s so far from the truth. My oldest was bullied in her dance class because she was the tallest and also weighed the most, after her telling the teacher and me talking to her as well and nothing stopping we quit that dance studio and found a great Christian studio where there is a supportive environment. My other two children have also encountered mean children – I’ve not been brave enough to confront them because often their parents are also mean – so I use it as a teaching moment. I was the victim of bullying in middle school and high school, my life was miserable I conjured up ways to avoid school and eventually ended with deep depression. Well said.
Referencing one of your reply comments above: Oh please, please, please write about Mean GIRLS soon!!! Absolutely loved this post and would SO appreciate your take on how to handle Mean Girls.
Sandy, I just wanted to say I appreciate and respect any woman who will put herself out there, transparently, knowing there will be those who agree as well as those who disagree with whatever the topic of the day may be. Bullying is a subject that hits so close to home with many of us as it seems to be ever-increasing these days.
My son was bullied while in elementary school during his 2nd & 3rd grade years and there were days (though not every day) when we would have to get him in the car literally kicking and screaming because he didn’t want to go. (He also had a tough time going back to school after breaks, so I know it wasn’t entirely because of bullying issues.) I didn’t know this right away, however. I finally sat down with him and asked what was going on and why he would put up such a fuss and that’s when he mentioned a kid at school who was constantly being mean to him as well as other students. At first, I encouraged my son to ignore this kid…but it didn’t seem to help. So, I mentioned it to his teachers as well as my mother, who happened to work at the school he attended, fortunately. I have to say his teachers (and his “Nana”) were awesome and very helpful in watching out for my son. The bullying seemed to die down until he began attending an intermediate school (5th & 6th grade). It started back up…only this time, he had well-established friends who were more than willing to come to his aide. Thankfully, now he is a thriving sophomore in high school and doesn’t seem to have these problems any longer. I praise God for that!
During his trials I tried to help my son understand that not all children are taught to treat others kindly and sometimes the parents don’t know their children are treating others so badly. So, I applaud you in being your son’s advocate first as well as using this as an opportunity to teach them about how Jesus instructs us to treat others…with love and kindness and grace…and even compassion as we don’t always know the underlying cause for such ill behavior. I also appreciate that you taught your son to stick up for himself and others who may find themselves in a similar situation. I believe it’s helpful to our children to know they have peers and friends who will stand beside them along with their adult advocates.
Again, bravo to you for teaching your children to be the solution to a very serious problem in the world today. If all of us parents taught our kids the same, there would be a lot less bullying going on. God bless you and your family!
There is so much I like about this post I don’t know what to pick out and comment on. What I think is esp. good is how you are preparing your kids to stick up to the mean kids. Eventually, they will have to do it, as my son learned as a soph. or jr. in high school. I told him he just had to stick up to a bully that was one year ahead of him in school. He did. It didn’t come to blows, just a tense stand off. Later, they became good friends, and the older kid stood up for my son in other encounters at school.
You obviously touched on something that resonates with a lot of us parents here. Good job.
Great post. Of my three children, one was a “mean girl” for several years. It was tough. Lots of talks, lots of tears, lots of pondering where we had messed up (because isn’t it always the oarent’s fault? :/). I could tell that some other moms disliked me because of my daughter – painful, but not nearly as painful as the pain my daughter caused some girls. But there is hope for you mothers of the mean girls! My former “mean girl” is now 20, has apologized to the girls she hurt, and has a huge heart for mission work in poverty-stricken regions — in fact, that’s how her turnaround began. We went on a mission trip her 8th grade year, and her heart began to soften. Additionally, we found a wonderful woman Christian counselor for her. A mix of counseling, maturity, hormones calming down, unconditional love by many loving adults, finding a passion (mission work), and slowly but surely growing in her faith, she is now a delightful human being.
Great post! A friend of mine shared this with me as my son recently had a problem with a child at school. The school dealt with it swiftly, my son asked me to call his school. He never does that. I was so heartbroken seeing him get into the car and break down in tears. He’s 11, it’s the first time it happened. I am glad that he felt safe asking me to call the school and I am so glad the school handled it so well.
Just found your blog by way of this “Mean Kids” article that was shared on someone’s Facebook page… and I just wanted to say to you that I really enjoyed it. You’re a wonderful writer… and yes, you hit a chord! Great, great, great article…
The article was good, pretty much exactly what we preach, but what I am REALLY going to use here is the “parents comments” in this feed. To show my daughters proof of how bullying follows you into adulthood. As we clearly can see in some of the thread comments.
What’s that old saying about opinions? yeah that one.
Since history usually repeats itself, (too stubborn to learn from our mistakes maybe?) and thanks to facebook, I can also SHOW my daughters how my bullies ended up. Not to show that I got the last laugh, but to be able to start showing compassion for them.
We only get about 80 yrs on this earth if we lucky, yet that’s not long enough to learn & master this:
It takes more power, strength & self control to suppress the urge to lash out in justified anger and bridal the tongue. To love the unlovable It should be an Olympic sport really!
If our physical bodies only grew to match the rate of our mental maturity……
I loved this! Our children constantly deal with these types of issues and it is important to teach them to be well rounded! What am amazing teaching opportunity you had with your child. I cried reading this because even as adults we deal with bullying and like you said it’s more subtle as we get older. What a great article to remind us not to allow the ‘mean kid’ dictate our thoughts of ourselves as well!
Well, first off I’d like to say I totally got what you meant about “hating mean kids”. Although hate can be a strong word to some, I took it in context and was not offended! Next, I would like to say that bullying has become an epidemic now. My son was subject to it at our church when he was in 4th or 5th grade.He is now 32! The boy who picked on him picked on lots of kids. He was big and a bully. Let me tell you though, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. His father was one of those who thought he and his son were “entitled” and could bluster thru life how they chose because they were bigger than everyone. I was the “choir mom” helping get the kids robed and lined up to process into church, keep them somewhat quiet during service and then making sure gowns were returned and hung up after. I had to speak to the bully kid twice before we even lined up, for pushing and shoving smaller kids out of his way. After church I just happened to come around the corner and found dear old Dad towering over my son with his finger poking him in the chest saying,” I’m getting sick and tired of kids pushing my son around and you are going to stop it right now.” Mind you, his son was a foot taller and probably 40# heavier than any other kids in choir!
I saw his son see me. His eyes got big, and he started backing away. I sweetly said, “Do we have a problem here, Doug?” He looked at me and snapped out, “yeah, we do. Your son shoved my boy and I’m tired of it.” I looked at my boy and asked if he had pushed. He said he had, but only after the kid shoved him into the door! I looked at Dad and said that unfortunately I had reason to speak to his son just that very morning about being mean. I looked the kid right in the eye and said, ” isn’t that right??” He had no choice but to admit it, after seeing my face and hearing my voice!! His father just said, ” Well, I didn’t know that.” I (again) sweetly replied, ” If you EVER have another problem with my son, you come to ME. You will never touch him again, I hope that is crystal clear!” He backed off, took his kid and left.
I did speak to my son about his behavior. I also explained that the boy had been raised to act the same as his father and my son needed to cut him some slack. But not too much!!
But these days bullying can be so much more vicious what with the internet and Facebook. The anonimity allows much more freedom to say things one wouldn’t say face to face. Unfortunately we had an incident of suicide by a ninth grader in our school district this past year, and sadly his father couldn’t deal with his son’s death and also killed himself a little while ago. It makes me sick that children can do this to others and never be called on their actions. Parents need to realize their children may not be as perfect as they think, and need to actually set some limits and hold them responsible for their actions. I know that is a novel idea these days, but…..just sayin”!
Sorry this is so long, but I feel quite strongly about this issue. I am a psych nurse in a state hospital, and boy, some of the younger ones we see have no idea how to behave in a responsible manner. Yes they have problems, but many have never been held accountable. Their parents range between excellent and clueless. Maybe if parenting class was mandatory before having children?? Anyway, thank you for an excellent article, and take the mean comments with a grain of salt. Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, some just don’t know how to be nice about it!
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for this post. I feel empowered and guided after reading this to help equip our daughter (a kindergartner) to navigate these tough situations together with the support of her family. My mom sent this to me after we have been dealing with this already at her tender age. What a blessing this article has been to me today, and I will be sure to hold onto it for the future.
Thanks for the post…I had to deal with this last night when my child got into a fight with a teammate at practice. It started during practice and got out of control in the locker room. I kind of said the same things you did (although yours sounds better). I want to discuss it again now that the emotions have gone done and I will use some of your words. Thanks for the help.
To say you struck a chord is not enough. Sitting here with tears in my eyes that just won’t come out or go away. They are stuck so to speak. I was just discussing today with family how the kids are upset with mean children on the bus and wanted to fix it (my way). I was reminded that they need time to grow up with mean things happening around them and deal with them appropriately. Today’s the first time I’ve read your blog and man, does this have the perfect answers for what God knows I’ve been searching for. God is amazing in his timing. I’ve tried before to fix mean kid issues on my own to no avail and am excited to use your perspective, such a Godly perspective instead of putting God second. Thank you so much for this great reminder and inspiration. I can’t wait to read more from you 🙂
So, what is your advice to the mom of a mean child? It is not as easy as everyone thinks to get them to stop, and they are not always horrible, deplorable children. They are unsure of themselves and weak and, well, children…just like your child needs to be raised and cared for, so might one who is acting out against others. No one wants to talk about that. This is a really nice article. I applaud you for caring for your child. Do not assume that kids who are mean are terrible children or that their parents are not struggling.
Grace,
I can tell you are a loving and caring mother. My heart goes out to you.
I realize not all “mean kids” are “terrible.” I am so sorry if this post sounded like that.
That is why I tell my kids that mean kids are mean for many different reasons. I have never had a “mean kid”, but I have encountered many times where my children mistreated another child. Honestly, I am very, very swift and direct in addressing this behavior in my kids. I believe one of the most important aspects of Christianity is how we treat people. The Bible talks about how we treat others frequently, so I do the same. Even the way my kids treat each other–I am constantly saying, “this is NOT how you treat people!” (Just yesterday in Target, I pulled my 7-year-old away from her brother and got in her little sweet face with my finger pointing and said, “You do NOT talk to your brother like that, do you hear me?” I’m sure the other parents thought I was being harsh with her, but I just do not like the sassy, mean tone coming out of their mouths, at all!)
I have taken away privileges, I have had my kids apologize in any and every way, I have had my older kids look up scripture on their own about treating people kindly and had them report back to me what they found. When my kids were really little, if I caught them saying something nasty to a sibling, I would make them say 3 kind things “to make it right.” There are so many ways you can address it.
If your child is mean at school or in the neighborhood, I would enlist the teachers and parents to help you stay on top of it. Tell them that you are really trying to work on it at home and you’d appreciate them being your eyes and ears. Most importantly, I think you need to stay prayerful and diligent. If your child knows he is loved and is secure in that love, I believe he will be less inclined to act out. Also, if he sees you continually on top of it, whatever payoff he gets (by way of acceptance with peers or feeling powerful or whatever) won’t be worth it.
With a mom like you, I’m SURE there are so many good seeds already planted. Keep up the good work, Mom. Really. I think you are doing a better job than you realize.
THANK YOU! And I know Jesus has to be saying “well done!”
This was great. I just had a similar conversation with my son. Kids can be so cruel. My son has one particular kid in class that picks on him constantly. The issue is the mean kid is one that teachers think this kid can do no wrong. He gets some if the other kids to lie so that my son is the one who gets in trouble. My child is far from perfect but I know this deflates him. It is so bad that the mean kid talks about kids that are nice to my son behind their back. I just dont know what to do for him.
I just have to say what a great article. My boys have had to deal with some very similar situations – even defending others – it is a time of learning who your true friends are. I will read this article to them, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Well written.
What if the kids that were being bullied were able to wear an inconspicuous video/audio recorder that noone knew they were wearing and they could bring it to the principal or counselor to see? I swear I wish this was possible. I am all for empowering kids, but in reality, most of these kids being bullied are petrified to tell anyone…including their parents because they feel everything will be forgotten in 2 weeks by the adults and then they are left to deal with the mad bully they told on. What if once the bullys were recorded being so mean, there were serious consequences to that child like a meeting everytime with the principal and his/her parents, being taken out of the next sporting event if they play, or social activity, a week of lunch in the counselors office…then of course if they continue the consequences can get more serious. What if there was a course added to every school’s curriculum called BULLY 101 that took a whole class period to teach kids how to handle bullys, what they can do to discourage it, how it impacts others…and they receive a grade that counts towards their GPA !!!! We need to let these poor children who are being bullied know that we hear them and want to hear them. That we understand they are scared to tell and we are going to take that off of them and see it for ourselves and actually do something about it. To many “rights” are given to the bullys and they know it. Every school in American needs to focus on punishing the bully and making the bully so angry every single time he bullys he gets in trouble some kind of way or gets alienated from the audience he trys to perform in front of that it becomes more trouble than it is worth to bully anyone and just decides it is easier to just be nice. How about these ideas??? Really curious what people think and why this can’t happen….
If this is a problem in the future my dear sister, remind my sweet baby he has an African American auntie that will add a little “get your life boo” to that P90x. Lethal combination or we could just break out into an interpretative song and dance number! That gets them every time and we are so good at it!!!!!! Love what you wrote, as usual, you are my more brilliant, more in shape, more organized, more balanced, slightly melanin challenged counterpart of myself. Love you Sandy Tz###&*&$@cki Cooper!!!!
I <3 it! You gave your son perfect advice. A mean girl terrorized my son in the first, second, and third grade. I worked at the school as an assistant so I knew the little girl. She also lives a couple of streets over. The first incident was seeing bruises up and down his back where she hit him on the playground at recess. She hit, pinched, kicked, threatened, and was just plain mean. I begged and pleaded and tried to bribe my son with a brand new gaming system/computer/games/etc if he could just give that mean kid a bloody nose. My son's response was, "Jesus would never hit a girl." OMGoodness. I explained to my son that at his age boys and girls were equally strong so it was ok for him to hit her, but he refused. Anyhoo, during lunch one day while my son and the bully were in second grade, I flipped after one incident where the meanie told my son that we (my hubby and I – his parents) do not love him and that she was going to lock him in a closet (ironic) and set the house on fire. Yes, a second grader said that to MY child. This was one of several incidents that happened, but I was sick and tired of going to the teacher and to the principal (who did NOTHING to resolve the bullying except threaten to call her father). I went to the little girl, and I leaned in and told her (again) to leave my son alone. She just gave me her devilish smile. THAT"S when it happened. I leaned back in and said, "And if you don't, you will be 18 one day, and I will still be around. And I will be doing P90X until that day." Oh yes, I did. I threatened a child, and the kids around her totally got it. I felt better and terrified at my words. She didn't bother him the rest of second grade (that I know of). Of course, my threats were soon forgotten in third grade when she had three or four other girls hold my son while she hit him with a plastic bat. The teachers claim that they didn't see it (just like all of the other incidents). In fact, my son went to hide behind a tree while he tried to hide his tears. One of the teachers saw him, and she called him over and put HIM in timeout!!! When my son came home, I was FURIOUS over what happened so I drove back to the school to talk to the teachers and the principal. He told me not to overreact after all it was a plastic bat. Amazingly, I calmed down. I looked him straight in the eye and asked, "So..if this had been three or four little boys holding a little girl down and hitting her with the bat, you would have the same response to HER parents?" Of course, dead silence.
It’s amazing what comes out of our mouths when our children have been continually hurt. “You will be 18 one day…” Technically, you didn’t threaten the child…you threatened the adult the child will grow up to be, right? I pray that little girl gets the help she needs. She sounds like she is out of control.
Wow! Great article! Can’t believe how many idiots responded though. Talking about blaming Satan. You can blame Satan if you want to It’s your blog.Absolutley, all evil IS from Satan. You don’t need to explain yourself to people that don’t want to hear it. They will find out soon enough.
I loved this…such a wonderful reminder for everyone. Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you for sticking up for your child, so many parents are afraid to do so. Thank you for telling your child that he is NOT the reason he is being picked on (I agree 9x out of 10 this is the case). Thank you for giving him a voice, and teaching him it is okay…but mostly…thank you for the way you taught your son to stick up for the “under dog”. So many children (people in general really) are fighting battles that nobody else will ever know…so even a simple act of kindness plays a huge roll.
Well stated.
Thank you for writing this! My kids are pretty little still, and I worry about how to address this issue when it arises. You have given me the perfect words! Thank you!
I am the mom of a former bully. Sometimes its important to tell your child that a bully is miserable. Their family is miserable. And there are deep, hurtful issues that only Christ and time with those who love unconditionally can address. Pray for your enemies. They need help and healing.
Amen. There are many perspectives here, and I appreciate yours. I can only imagine how heart-wrenching it must be to have a child who is a bully.
I can see where you are coming from Catherine, my own son was not a bully but very easily could have been. After watching how angry his dad was it took 3 years of therapy and a lot of God to help him change the way he saw the world.
They do need help, but at this point and time, a 7 year old boy teasingly pulling up a girls dress is called a pervert and he and his mom are sent to mandatory classes “supposed therapy” to show him how wrong he was, but a teenage bully that beat an 11 yr old scarring him for life…. only got one day suspension AFTER the child’s mother threatened the school. there needs to be some kind of balance between helping the one that is doing hurtful things and protecting others while doing it.
and yes I know a boy that did actually get that punishment for being a normal curious child.
Best. Blog. Ever. (On bullying). I’d love to borrow you and insert you into every kids life in these parts, not to mention parents, teachers, and administrators! What a blessing you are to the world but mostly to that child of yours.
What a generous compliment. Thank you, Shannon.
Our daughter had a classmate who would bully her four times a week. He would rip her pictures, draw over drawings and just seek her out to insult her. This behavior in 2nd grade surprised me! I finally told her the next time he comes up to you, turn around and look him in the eyes. Say in a strong voice, I don’t care what you’re saying it doesn’t matter to ME and you don’t matter to ME. She didn’t want to say these hurtful words to him but they worked and he stopped. She told me he just stood there thinking while she walked away. She told him the following week that it’s hard to like someone when they just want to be a bully. He did end up telling her he was sorry.
Great article! Your kids are lucky to have a good mama like you!!
Nice article. Just a couple of thoughts…
I wouldn’t approach anyone else’s child without another ADULT in earshot. There is a high probability a bullying child will have a bullying parent, and you don’t want it to be your word against their kid’s as far as what you said to their child. That could get ugly, fast.
You might not believe it….but you will turn around tomorrow and this little boy will be a young man. No exaggeration, tomorrow. 🙂 Don’t lose sight of the ultimate goal, to raise a man. Teach him these lessons, seize the opportunities to re-drive the important points home every chance you get, but then step back and let him have the chance to figure out some of the ugliness on his own. Your own statement “I won’t always be there” is truer than you can know.
Loved this, made me cry! My 9 year old daughter has been picked on recently by someone that she thought was her friend. I now know more of what I am going to be saying when I talk to her, we have talked about this many times before. It breaks my heart when she comes and tells me what is happening and she is bawling. My claws wanna come out every time she tells me someone is mean to her. She doesn’t have a lot of friends in our neighbor hood, maybe 1 or 2 she sticks with, but they are good friends! I keep telling her these kids that are mean to her are not friends, she doesn’t need them around her. Thank you!
I’ve re-posted this for my now adult daughter who was bullied in middle school. “Kids are mean for a reason. Sometimes, it’s because it makes them feel strong. Sometimes, they are going along with the crowd to be accepted. Sometimes, it’s because no one ever told them it was wrong to treat people that way. Sometimes, it’s because someone has been mean to them. But almost NEVER is it because of you. Don’t ever define yourself based on the opinion of the Mean Kid.” is a conversation I want her to repeat to her sons. She was a successful adult before she was able to re-establish her self-esteem. I don’t want my grandsons to ever feel bad about themselves because of another’s opinion. Bless you – these words resonated!
Wish I would have heard these words when I was young and dealing with the Mean Kid! We’ll said!!!
I would love to communicate with you about blogging. I’m thinking of starting one and am completely overwhelmed with all the information out there.
Thank you
Kristy
Hi Kristy! Feel free to email me with any blogging questions. I’d love to help. 🙂 (you can click the contact tab at the top to email me)
I too have never read your blog until today! I pulled my daughter out of school over 2 years ago for being bullied, not only by the students but teachers and staff as well. When I took her out I told them I would not wait for her to be just another statistic. The school counselor asked me was there anything that they could do that would get me to bring her back to the school the next year. I told her no, not a thing, but that they needed to teach tolerance and understanding to their teachers and to have them learn that not everyone is alike and that’s okay, it’s not bad to be different. I told her that the students will always bully a child if they see a teacher doing it. The students view on it would be that if the teacher does it then it must be the right thing to do (these were not elementary school children either). I also told my daughter to never be the bully and to always stand up for those that need it and I’m proud to say that she has on more than 1 occasion. We, as parents, have to teach our children how to be in life, that is our job! If more parents would do that and make their children who are bullying take responsibility, we wouldn’t have the problem we do now!
And thank you for teaching your child to stand up for others!
I will be honest in saying that my family and I do not follow religion on a regular basis, however, with that being said, we do believe and know that god is good! The most prolific part of this article has to be when you told your son “not to be the mean kid.” I have been preaching this to my now 10 year old since he started pre – k! We have told him that he doesn’t have to like everyone and he doesn’t have to agree with everyone but he does have to treat them with respect! We have also made it clear to him in no uncertain terms that bullying is not ok and will not be tolerated. I have been on both sides of the bully spectrum. I wasn’t part of the “in crowd” in school. I became butter and angry toward the girls who basically shunned or bullied me therefor I became one of those girls from the movie mean girls only without the expensive clothes and house and popularity. It made for many very unhappy high school memories and a lot of regrets! Since having children my outlook on life has changed drastically and have made peace with many of my high school classmates! But the shame of who I was will never go away. I never was “physically absuve” but I now know that my words were just as hurtful and never want my kids to grow up and have this kind of regret. So we are always trying to keep this conversation in the home!! Remind the kids that people have all kinds of struggles and it only takes one person to make them feel worthy of their own happiness! And I am proud to say that my 10 year old son gets high praise for how protective he is of the special needs children in his class and doesn’t allow his classmates to mistreat them. Since 1st grade his teachers have at least once throughout the year has told us of his kindness and how special he is. Thank you for your post.. For every one person who may read this and pass the message to their children that is 1 more person who is helping to stop bullying and could possibly save a life.
You sound like a great mom. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Love this!! I think we too often try to ignore the issue of Mean Kids that our children hide their hurt. I think it is vital for kids to hear that we are on their side. Thank you for sharing this!!
Wow, this is absolutely wonderful! Brings a tear to my eye. You speak so eloquently and clearly. I really like the way you see things, and your advice for your son was perfect. Elijah is lucky to have a mother like you!
Coming from a demographic probably not so typical on your blog (24 male), I really enjoyed this, this world needs more people like you and your son.
Thanks for the representing the young adult male demographic! 🙂
I do completely agree and understand 110% that you will always feel the need to protect your children. However, sometimes “mommy fighting your battles” can lead to extra bully. I know from experience. I’m a little older but I once had a boyfriend that broke up with me because my mom approached him about the way he was treating me and he said I wasn’t mature enough to handle myself. Granted, I know why she did it and I don’t blame her but you have to trust that you give your kids the tools and the mind to handle people themselves. You’re probably doing an awesome job at raising them. Give yourself a little credit. You won’t always be there just believe you taught them right.
Thank you so much for writing this. My son 11 and gets bullied alot. He has CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). He has a serious case and can get sick up to 20 times a day. The kids at school make fun of him for this and multiple other things. I tell him constantly to ignore them ans walk away but sometimes I want to tell him to just knock the day lights out of them. I will be reading your article to him tonight.
That must be so difficult for him. I sure do hope the teachers and school administration are doing what they can to protect your son.
Thank you for this awesome post. I love how you used truths from God’s word to instruct your son. This world changes so much every day, but these truths do not. I also love how you not only empowered him with these truths, but placed an appropriate amount of responsibility on him as well. The Bible teaches,….to whom much is given, much shall be required….that includes love, understanding and encouragement. He , obviously receives these things, and passing that on is just great. I believe he will find great control over bullies and mean kids (as well as Satan’s lies), when he helps and encourages others. This is a good lesson for adults as well. I know in the workplace, it is more subtle, but the lessons are still the same. Thank you again.
Us parents, all too often don’t take our own advice for our kids about bullies. Parents need to stand up for themselves! If we do this, they will model our behavior. That is more important than the words we give them. “Always stand for what is right, even if you’re standing alone.”
This is the first time I have had the pleasure of reading your blog. Thank you for this! You are awesome! I have been struggling for the right words to say to my girls about mean kids and I now have great ideas. I am excited for future commentates!
Thanks for your post. I have a first grader who is very sensitive. Her cousin “best friend”, says many insensitive things that just make her feel stupid. Some days I think the easiest thing to do would be to move far away! In this case there would be no point in talking to the parents. They say they don’t want their kid being the bully, but not sure they would do anything about it. One of these days I will have had enough and they will hear about it. Praying that I will do it in a Christ-like way!!!
But, on the flip side, my son is starting Kindergarten in fall and I am so afraid he will be the bully. He is a good kid, just doesn’t think before talking or acting! I am hoping that there will be parents that will call him out if I’m not there to see what’s going on!
I appreciate this post and took screen shots on my phone of what you said to Elijah. I had a tough time in school starting in 5th grade and on through my junior year in high school because of some mean kids. The scars from that can ruin my confidence in an instant to this day. I can’t stand to see kids treating kids that way, or adults, because I know the pain they are causing. My children are some of the smartest, cutest, funniest kids I have ever encountered and other people tell me that as well, but they are both very sensitive. I don’t know how I am going to keep myself from punching the lights out of some little punk kid if they ever mess with my kids, but I know what I want my children to learn from me is not an impulsive reaction of violence but rather to confront the problem in confidence and handle it like Jesus, showing love to the other kid, intolerance to being picked on, confidence that God has made them a beautiful creation and no mean kid can take that from them. Most importantly, I want them to stick up for others. Your conversation with Elijah beautifully words my thoughts. Thank you.
You give such excellent advice – what do you to with a child who cries himself to sleep because he doesn’t have any friends? His teachers say he plays well with everyone in his class and seems happy, but he tells me that no one likes him. I signed him up for Tai Kwan Do hoping he would make friends, but he doesn’t have anyone that he sees outside of school. Any ideas? His father and I don’t really have any friends either (but we are ok with it). He’s breaking my heart.
Rae,
We have actually dealt with this with two of my children. Very similar situation.
What I did first was pray. Truly. I prayed very specifically that God would bring godly friends into my children’s lives. And then I was on the constant lookout for kids that my children seemed to connect with. If I saw anyone, I would initiate a play date at our house or invite the friend to go with us somewhere fun.
I realized that my children didn’t need a lot of friends, they only needed ONE really good buddy. So, I did everything I could to help them find that one and then I provided lots of opportunity to build the friendship.
In one case, I even contacted the school and asked the teacher if she could pair my child and the friend up as much as possible because of the struggle with friendships and my effort to try to help build one. The teacher was more than happy to accommodate.
I think you are on the right track with the Tae Kwon Do. Keep a look out for kids and invite one to go out for ice cream after practice. Or set up a conference with the teacher and ask who your son plays with at school. Then call the mom and ask if the friend can come over after school for a little while.
I hope that helps. 🙂
Hi, i really liked your article. I agree wih all of it. I was just wondering what your take is on when other adults are mean to your child. I’ve come close to a fist fight in the middle of a grocery store when a crochety woman yelled at my little girl for accidentally skipping into her cart. Its hard to fight my inner mamma bear and i can get MEAN!! And my father-in-law is always snapping and yelling at her. This makes me want to jump out of my skin, warewolf attack style. She is a good foot taller than all the other kids her age, so people seem to expct a lot more from her. She is now 12 but is 5’11”. She already feels so awkward and big but she is kind, funny, gorgeous, and wonderful.
And also i should ad that Scarlett, my twelve yr old, is not bullied in school. When that has happend in the past, i just went and talked to the bully, and gave that kid the heavy eyebrow stern look and let them know it wasnt ok. Just seems that adults pick on her, like a couple teachers have also seemed to target her. Her peers like her though, they think shes a really tall, older looking cool chick.
Hi Jenn,
Great question. I’ve had a few incidents over the years where strangers were harsh with my kids simply for being kids. Honestly, that always surprises me and I get all flustered. I only think of great ways to handle it after the fact. So this answers is more of a “what I wish I would have done” as opposed to “this is what I did.”
I think the best way to respond is with grace toward the stranger and toward your child. Wrap your arm around the child and look the stranger in the eye and say something like, “Sorry about that, but I’ve got it.” And then get your child away from the crabby adult. I always try to remember that when strangers react so harshly in public that they are really miserable people. They are probably going through something terrible or they are in physical pain and really just cannot tolerate children in their presence. (Unless, of course, my kid did something really irresponsible, then I’d make my child apologize.) So, I usually just sweep my child away from the cranky person and move on.
I think the issue with your father-in-law is completely different. When adult family members (or teachers, coaches, neighbors, etc) treat your children inappropriately, I think it’s important to address it directly. Probably best for your husband to do it, since it’s his father. Especially if father-in-law sees her a lot. He may not even realize how he sounds or how much it will ultimately damage his relationship with you and your daughter. If he continues, I’d go with your husband and tell him again. If he still does it, I would simply say, “The next time you talk to her like that, we will leave.” And then do it.
Pray hard before you do it…grandparent relationships are special and irreplaceable. Good luck. 🙂
Great article and advice. But… Christianity is misspelled.
Nooooooooooo!!!!! Marcia, this made me laugh. I cannot (CANNOT!!!!) see my own typos. I can edit any one else’s stuff. People have actually paid me to do this. But my own? Can’t do it.
Thanks for telling me. I wonder how many other people noticed. 🙂
Okay, wait. You mean in the first sentence where I said, “This sounds neither motherly nor Christiany”? That wasn’t supposed to say “Christianity.” It was supposed to be a made-up word that sounds like “Christian-ee”
That was on purpose. 🙂
This was a fantastic answer to the issue of bullying. I may just use some of this on a post for my blog. It’s about betrayal in marriage but so many times that just amounts to one partner bullying their mate and taking advantage where ever possible.
Great job!
Thank you!! Thank you so much for sharing this story!! My children are grown adults and I do wish I had the opportunity to read this to them when they were young!! But it’s never too late!! I teach middle school… and I am definitely going to adapt what you said in this blog to talk to my students when the opportunity arises!! In fact, I will forever use it if the opportunity arises as life continues!! Awesome words!!
Your article was very clear and spot on. When my youngest was in Jr High, (his wife posted this link on FB) he had some major internal injuries. A boy at his school followed him around, threatening physical violence daily. A punch to the stomach would have put him in the hospital. He was afraid for me to speak to the boy fearing retribution.
I had a lengthy meeting with the Vice Principal. He said he could/would do nothing. He told us to find my son a few large friends to surround him everywhere he went, even to walk him home. (we live in a quiet, family neighborhood) I protested that it seemed to victim had no protection and the bully got off scot free. He shrugged and said there was nothing he could do. My son spent the next year finishing his recovery and studying at home.
I’m so glad you are helping to bring to light this very out of balance and dangerous situation.
Brilliant. Just brilliant. My oldest daughter is only 4 & 1/2, and it breaks my heart when she comes home and tells me someone in her preschool class was mean to her. I want to build her up. I want her to be the kid who stands up for herself, and for the other kids who might be on the receiving end of the Mean Kid. I want tell her exactly what you wrote! Thank you!!!
Tony would say “Do your best and forget the rest.” I tell my kid that every morning when I drop her off for school. And if kids keep being mean, make them do Plyo. That’ll fix ’em.
Thanks for the great thoughts and reminders to be the change.
I agree totally to teach my kids to take up for just not themselves but for other kids being bullied. The flip side of that is sometimes the kids that are doing the bullying are directors of churches kids, teachers of that schools kids, and other high ups. So when my daughter takes up as she recently did, she was told to go sit down and be quiet. Then I was told by the teacher that I nor my daughter knows what’s being done behind the scenes. Even as an adult, it’s hard to swallow when someone with a lot of pull thinks they can be hateful just because they can, especially when their over your job, income, and emotions to those things. There have been times when I’ve had to kiss steady stable incomes goodbye due to supervisors that were hateful just because they could be. I just can’t stomach ever telling my kids,” well if you can’t beat their attitude then join it!” So I don’t play the game with irrational people and continue to teach my kids not too, no matter what the cost!
My daughter had Asbergers Syndrome and has huge difficulty with her brain to mouth filter and controlling her feelings. Consequently she has been “labeled” the bully several times. We constantly work on using kind “easy”words and take 20 second “breathers” before speaking. Things are getting better with some maturity (she’s now 10). But, as I was afraid of, the tables have turned….. A few weeks ago she started receiving anonymous notes calling her mean, bully, ugly, and horrible pictures of her with fangs. It’s been so hurtful because her intention was never to bully… She just speaks & wears her frustration openly….although I don’t mean to make excuses for her.
Mostly, I just wanted you to know how many friends sent me the article and that I used it WORD FOR WORD to help Maci get through it. Thank you so much!!
Please notify me of your new posts by email. I enjoyed your views on Mean Kids and believe it comes from a heartfelt place in you. I would enjoy to receive more of your views on the other topics you blog about in the future. My son is just a wee little guy of almost 2 years old, but I encountered another ‘mean kid’ that was 2 yrs old already at the first school I chose for him to experience social interaction (he’s usually home with me everyday, so not much breadth of social exposure). Anyway, it happened his 2nd day of an observation period and I was there! (Can ‘Mean Kids’ exist at such a young age?! – yes!) Since my son wouldn’t give up his toy to the other tot, the other tot full-handedly slapped my son on the face as I looked on in horror. I wasn’t suppose to step in, but neither of the 2 teachers saw a thing. I fought back all I had not to say/do something. My son made no noise, but looked at the boy with a crushed look on his face that melted my heart. Then the other little bugger still wanted the toy and lashed out again – this time digging his finger nails into my sons face, very close to his eye, leaving gashes. Oh, Mama Bear couldn’t remain an observer anymore. My son was screaming and neither teacher was coming to rescue. I literally had to peel the boys hands off my son! My son had marks and couldn’t understand why. It was disgusting. Neither teacher told that other boy he was wrong and later told the boy’s mom that he ‘”hit another child’ today, but overall had a pretty good day”. No! That was not all he did! I had to be the one to explain the detail to that other child’s mom. She was very apologetic, but nobody ever told that little boy square in the eye that it was wrong of him to hit and that it was mean. I haven’t returned to that school since. And now my son knows what hitting is. He’s confused by it actually. I tell him that we hug and he says the word “hit!” I’m so sad about this and don’t really know how to change it other than to continue my love, right/wrong communications to him, and just give it time. Going forward, small Group Playdates are my go-to source for social interaction for tots of stay at home moms. I can’t imagine as your baby boy grows older that these experiences go away or get any easier. Thanks for sharing your views. Sabrina
Hi Sabrina,
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Looking forward to having you around. 🙂
Oh wow! My daughters and I have had discussion after discussion about this exact topic. All 3 of my girls have, at different times in their lives, talked about kids being just plain mean. The sad thing is, a lot of them are taught to be that way. Be it by older siblings or abusive parenting.
Thank you for sharing this. My daughter has gone through some of the same, and I was torn about how to handle the taunting she received daily. I did start confronting some of the kids, not in an attacking manor but by simply talking to them. Most we’re accepting and apologized for the behaviors. Some continued to be rude, told their parents who were also rude, and then I was labeled as a bad parent because I stood up for my child and what was right, and we actually ended up transferring her to another school where she has not had any further issues. But my daughter knows I will support her, and I will never apologize for that! I will share the words you wrote with her!
Sandy, I to have never been on this site till now. I Agee with how you handled the situation. I believe in “Leading by example”. Other Parents saw what you did, including the Father of the Mean Kid. Why did the Father not step in sooner? Why did it have to take you to step in? Because you are not a coward! Letting children handle all on there own is how I think some Bullying begins. I will say it again, “LEAD BY EXAMPLE”, other kids & Parents are watching. You could have taught a few others about bullying. Thank you for that.
Bullying and terrorizing of children by other children has reached epidemic proportions in this country. For the people who are naive enough to believe that it isn’t a hundred times worse than when they were kids I would say, do some research! We are now dealing with a much more vast social media type of bullying. It is constant and relentless. We have lost too many children through suicide and gunfire in the schools, related to bullying, to ever continue to pretend that it isn’t a whole different animal! Parents have got to make time for conversations about the very real dangers of this epidemic with their children. Please for the love of the children we as adults must stop the carnage! This is not something to be flip or cavalier about, it is real!
This is such a good article. It’s a lot for a kid to absorb, but he will over time, and he will also learn from your attitude and actions. I especially like your advice to be a friend to the kid who is being picked on. I wish I had done that as a kid. I try to do it as a grownup, primarily for other grownups. I also like the response you had from the Mean Kid. I hope your interactions will help to change him.
Bullying has been around since time began but it seems we’ve lost control. We as parents are busy trying to make a living in addition to raising our beautiful families. Our focus can become off kilter due to daily struggles and stresses and our kids feel it. My cousin’s young teen committed suicide this past October by running onto a busy freeway because she had become depressed due to constant bullying when she was a little younger. I believe my cousin and her husband did everything they knew to do to build up her self-confidence, make her feel loved and safe and unfortunately, in this circumstance, it didn’t help. Helping our kids understand, showing Godly attitudes and trying to help them grow in grace and know their value is so important from the time they are born. I’m glad your son knows that you are on his side.
I am blessed to be a mom to a very sensitive, loving, gentle little soul. I am so worried about what will happen when he gets to the ‘big kids’ school…your words were comforting to me and I will file this away for future use. Thank you! Oh – and I better pick up P90X. 🙂
Though I am an agnostic leaning atheist, and struggle with the morality of creating a false dichotomy of an impossibly perfect version of good versus an infinitely large range of evil, I find an inherent ‘capital t’ Truth to the strategy of shining light on darkness. The louder you profess a disdain for cowardice, the less likely that coward is to continue his actions. It is a lesson I learned the hard way. I used to be bullied, and instead of confronting the bully loudly and publicly, I would get in fights when nobody was looking. Regardless of winning or losing the fight, there were more cowards to fill the void of whatever bully I had confronted left behind. It wasn’t until I confronted one of these bullies who was trying to steal the combination to my locker in front of the whole locker room that I was able to put an end to the bullying once and for all. The louder I admonished him, the more shameful he was until he punched me in the mouth. Instead of fighting back, I called him a coward. The teacher eventually broke up the incident, but after that, he and all the other bullies left me alone.
To borrow a sentiment from a sermon I heard when attending a service in high school: pain is transient; the rewards it reaps are eternal.
As a teacher, I appreciate families where schools are supported and parents don’t automatically believe that when something bad has happened at school, it is the school/teacher/principal’s fault. But I also encourage people to do what you did–the first and most important part of which is that you believed your child. Many kids go through a lot of trouble because their parents simply say, “He was mean to you? Well, what did you do to cause it?” If bullying is the topic, or peculiar teacher behavior that doesn’t make sense to you, don’t assume your child is making it up or being over-sensitive. At least respect the child enough to check it out. And your advice to your son is golden–don’t ever be that mean kid yourself.
Okay i won’t be mean to you, i am a firm believer mean begets mean….However you hate the kids who are mean, that’s a little strong. I was molested as a child and don’t hate my molester, don’t like him….You did right in asking the child not to pick at your child and the rest of the team, also forewarning it going to Coach and Parents…Now sit back and ask yourself why this child is mean spirited…Children are not born that way, they are raised that way…Okay that’s all….
Some kids at school have been picking on my daughter and I’m either a raging volcano because mean people need to get slapped and I’m more than willing to do it, or I’m a weepy mess and I feel sorry passing on my awkward genes to her and she has to go through the same thing I did. I usually just say, “You don’t have to listen to them. You know that mom and dad and grandma love you ALL the time.” But I love the things you say to Elijah. Great post.
You just empowered me with the right words to say to my boys. I always say “don’t be the mean kid” but I struggle with what to tell them when someone is being mean to them.
I am going to print this to talk about it over and over.
Thank you!
great post! i have the privilege of being a teacher to 7th and 8th graders, which as many know, can be some tough years for kids. my oldest son, dane was tormented in the 6th grade by bullies. he just couldn’t understand why, because he was an is one of the most kindhearted people i know. it’s just his nature, and i’m sure many kids saw this as a weakness which they could use to make fun of him. the school administrators and “counselor” were useless. it got so bad that i kept him home during the last week of school. so the following year, he was an incoming 7th grader to my school…and so were his most relentless bullies. i knew their names because i had heard them over and over throughout the past year. so on the first day of school, you can imagine my desire to hunt these kids down and put the fear into them. so i did hunt them down. i made a point to pull each one out of class and introduce myself. but in the moment, i quickly realized that these kids have their own problems. so instead of threatening them to leave my son alone, i reached out to them and told them that i had heard a lot of great things about them, and just wanted them to know who i was in case they ever needed anything. throughout the next few weeks, i made a point to build relationships with these boys. and the most amazing thing happened. my son was never bullied again. in fact, one day when my son fell during p.e., it was one of his previous tormentors who ran to him and made sure he was ok. when i found that out, i was literally brought to tears. my son is now a sophomore in high school, and i’ve heard numerous stories from teachers and students both how the big athletes have been heard telling other kids they’d better leave dane alone. it just warms my heart. there is good in all kids – sometimes you just have to look a bit harder. unfortunately, not many parents have the same opportunity as me though, so i consider myself blessed 🙂
LOVE THIS!!!! Shared with everyone I know. Thank you
This applies to adults as well. Don’t be the selfish mean adult. Be nice, be kind, be human! Don’t be a jerk! These are hard things to learn in this world. I have grown kids and I have confronted the mean kid. It was known “You don’t want to deal with my mom!” But you also don’t want someone to tell me you were the mean kid…
Thanks for a great post and a positive outcome in a bullying situation
Beautifully written and obviously has helped many. It’s a shame a few people have nothing better to do than attack people who spend their time spreading goodness and insight. We can all learn something from these lessons. I was sad to read some of this negativity, but carry on, the world needs the help!
At the end, when you were making sure people would being decent in the comments, you should have said “Don’t be the mean kid!” Adults bully in comment sections, more than I’ve ever seen face to face. So sad. Good post!
An amazing post – but I have to say what I love the most is your “comment policy” and just need to point out how your comment policy very much relates to your post about mean kids. We do not need to wonder where means kids come from when you see the constant negative criticism that is posted, by adults (the parents of some mean kid), all over the internet, in the newspapers, social media, in the news, from our elective government officials, etc. The idea of respect has been lost in the world of “real time” communication where quick responses are more important than thoughtful responses, and where in many cases the negative comments generate the most attention. Thank you for a great post and for your “comment policy”.
I loved reading this! I feel the same way and my son is 3 and we already have mean kids that we are dealing with. It makes me so sad. Great read!
http://Www.mommymoments.org
Thank you so much for this post. I have been sublimely blessed to bear two sons, despite terrible struggles with infertility and miscarriage. I think that because they were so desperately wanted and amazingly celebrated when they finally arrived, I immediately discovered that the depth of my love for them is immense, all-consuming, phenomenal, and everlastingly grateful. When a child comes to earth from Heaven as a miracle, he comes to a family who knows it, and we do.
Both of my boys are normal, every day kids. They have strengths that are awesome, and weaknesses they wrestle every day. And somehow, they just haven’t really felt like they fit in. They have each struggled with Mean Kids their whole lives, and those Mean Kids managed to get under their skin in the most subtle, needling, painful ways. It’s as if Mean Kids know EXACTLY where the weakness or self doubt is, and just pounce on it.
Both of my boys have told me they’ve heard those exact same voices in their head, saying “Everybody hates me” or “I just don’t fit in anywhere, with anyone.” It Breaks. My. Mama. HEART!!! I have talked with them, role played with them, prayed with and for them, and reinforced and reassured all of the positive and wonderful gifts they possess. I have reminded them that they are NEVER alone, because God is with them always in their hearts. They can turn to Him for peace. They can come to me for love. And for a while, it’s better.
But then, another Mean Kid surfaces. And to my ultimate dismay, they forget all of the good things and laser-focus on the Mean Kid’s mean-ness, as if none of our prayers or heart-to-heart talks or love ever happened.
I’m going to print this beautiful post out, and we are going to read it as a family. I may even frame it and put it on each of their bedroom walls. Because they need to remember who they are, and why they’re here, and how much good they can do. And how much God loves them. Always.
Thank you for touching my heart and inspiring me!
Wow. This is great. My wife and I are expecting our first child. We are nearing the 30 week mark! I have a sister who had learning difficulties growing up. She heard about it from kids, but also from some teachers. My dad’s a pastor, I’m also a pastor, and as you know, we seem to be held to higher standards. (Ugh!) I watched him want to hurt mean girls and mean teachers at my sisters defense. But he didn’t, he was kinder. I however, am not so kind. After remembering how my sister was treated, and hearing stories of mean girls from my wife and others I actually prayed for God to give us a boy instead of a girl (selfish, I know) so I wouldn’t have to see her heart broken and crushed. Guess what we’re having…yep a GIRL! I’m excited and very thankful for people like you sharing the guidance and insight The Lord has placed on your heart for your children so others can learn. Thank you for not just being a defender of your child’s heart, but a shepherd of your child’s heart. As an almost parent, I believe that will be key. Praying now against the power of bullies. Blessings! -Brian
Congrats on your first GIRL!! Your comment made me tear up a little. Thank you for taking the time to share.
YOU are AMAZING. Good job mom! And I LOVED the comment policy! Brilliant. We need more people like you speaking into our lives. I didn’t read many of the comments but if anyone disagreed with anything you said I would like to gather them all up by the nape of the neck and flick them in the head!
This made me laugh. Thank you.
This is fantastic post!!! I am a 2nd/3rd grade teacher and it really is crazy to hear students say things like no one loves them, either because of what other people say. I’ve had many conversations with students about this topic in whole group and individually. Your post is filled with a lot of good advice and I definitely will share them with my students. Thank you for sharing this!
I am up reading this in the middle of the night as I nurse my youngest of three boys, only 2 months old. I’m heart broken and teary reading these comments of children being bullied. Tonight, I’m praying that my husband and I can shepherd them well, as you have your son, to stand up for the hurting and to never be the mean kid themselves. I’m praying for all of these babies written about here, that their value would be in Christ and not in these hurtful words and actions they are being confronted with so harshly.
Thank you for this! Great advice for the future with my boys!
What a beautiful comment. I love the image of you nursing your baby in the middle of the night, weeping and praying over bullied children.
My comment is this; sometimes, just sometimes there are very mean adults who seriously damage our children all in the name of Jesus. The lesson we learned with our 13 year old son when this happened, is to speak the truth, over and over again, to leadership and anyone who would listen in order to reveal the offenses and to set the boundaries. We came alongside our son, we gave him a voice, we taught him forgiveness and we removed him from the situation. His faith has been challenged and we’ve place him under different teaching. He’ll never forget that we had his back. The man responsible is still the Youth “Pastor”. We can only hope he’ll change or be removed before others are seriously wounded again. But our son, we believe, has developed discernment that will protect him throughout his life and help others in the future who might be in the same situation as he has been.
This was a great read! My daughter is only 2, but she’s tiny, and probably always will be. I hope I can use this article as inspiration when the time comes. It’s very ironic though, that you have to deal with “mean adults” on a page speaking about how to deal with “mean kids”. You can use it to show your son that it truly is something that never ceases to exist. Those saying that people need to stop blaming satan for the bad things they do, I think are wrong. I think if more people would actually realize how satan uses lies and deceit as a tool, and they turned to Jesus for guidance, we’d have a better society. If you’ve ever read the Frank Peretti novels (I’m in the end of ‘This Present Darkness’), he paints a pretty vivid and scary picture of his demons doing his dirty work. It may be a Christian fiction, but It rings with a truth that is terrifying. Anyways, loved this article and look forward to reading more of your blog! Thank you 🙂
I’m so glad someone shared your post on FB today. I learned so much from you and your experience. Way to go, mama.
thanks, so appropriate in light of the another senseless shooting, in the mall in Columbia, MD.
I wanted to read all of the comments, but only got through a few. My friend posted this on her FB page & I will be reposting. My daughter is 8 & has a small birth defect. It’s her ear so it’s hidden by her hair most of the time. I’m always worried someone will make fun of her bc of it. Noone has. But…there’s a girl in her class that is pretty much just a bully & picks on her for no reason. I have told her not to sit with her, or by her, to ignore her, tell the teachers, etc. Nothing has been working. This girl isn’t terribly mean, but my daughter comes home almost every day telling me something happened.
I am calling the school today, so I find this at the perfect time. I can tell her the things you told your son & choose my words wisely when talking to the principal. This was just what I needed today. This was amazing advise. Thank you so much!!!!
I absolutely love this and feel this way as well. My 7 year old daughter has had many issues with Mean Kids. I will print this out and read it to her after school!!! Thank you!!!
I love this post! The way you handled everything was/is great and I love what you said to your son. My daughter gets picked on and left out and it hurts my heart. Your words were needed for this mom. I think your approach is wonderful because I do believe that if more of the kids that are bullied knew more of Gods love for them, the bullies words wouldn’t hold nearly half of the power that they do. I think the bullies need to know more Jesus, too, but the empowerment that the bullied kids could have is amazing.
I’m so glad you stuck up for your child. My son was being made fun of in middle school because he didn’t make the basketball team. I didn’t know anything about this till he was a freshman in high school and I found a fb message to his friend saying he was going to kill himself. We were finally able to discuss it then and found out his depression all stemmed from a kid he used to play ball with making fun of him. My son was a very well liked kid and was very talented at sports. He then was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and his life went downhill from there. I was never able to step in for my child to stop this, or to let him know I was on his side. I hate to think how his life might be different if I had. I still look at this “mean kid” who is a senior and the star of the basketball team with so much hate because of what he did to my child. I still want to tell his parents what happened in middle school to my child, but I have kept it all inside. I am a very protective mama bear, and the fact I am keeping it all inside is killing me too, but I’m afraid of what I might say. I’m just trying to help my son deal with all his emotional problems the best I can. Basically what I am saying is, if you see a problem, step in and do something whether you are a parent, teacher, coach, etc. It could be a life saving thing you are doing. Don’t wait for the child to deal with it. Bullying has to stop! We are here to protect our children. That is our job as parents. I only wish I had the chance before it ruined my son.
Karen,
Like you, I have missed some crucial opportunities to stick up for some of my children along the way, and the cumulative damage has been massive. “If only” is such an impotent wish, and yet I am certain it is never too late to things for the future as we try to make amends for the past. It is growth at a very high cost, but nevertheless growth and strength that can make a difference in all our lives. Ironically, it is so often those whose lives have been damaged by some adversity, be it illness, abuse, death, or whatever, that go ahead and push on to change the world for others. And through that process, the silver linings become golden.
Beautiful! I may just have to print this out, so I can have the talk with my little guy…and you worded it so well, I need notes! Glad my friends shared this on Facebook!
I was a victim of “mean kids” when I was young. I wish someone had rescued me. God used it in my life, and because of the strength He gave me, I’ve been able to live through some pretty amazing situations as an adult. I love what you wrote, and I will pass that along to my children if God gives me any. One thing I’d add, though, to the part about why they are mean. Some of them are treated very cruelly at home, and all they know is meanness. Those children above all need our compassion. Is there a way as parents we can reach out to them and show what real family love looks like?
Thank you for this post. I am going through this right now with my 5 year old daughter who has a crush on a boy that doesn’t always appreciate her attention. Sometimes she bugs him to the point of insanity and he’s mean to her. I’ve talked to her about not bugging him and she doesn’t want to. **Sigh** Can’t do much if she invites him to be mean to her by not leaving him alone. The teacher is going to switch seating so they are at different tables. That should give him a break. His Mom is awesome though and made him aplogize for being mean and he gave her chocolate hearts. I just wish my daughter would listen to me and leave the kid alone.
thank you ,thank you. great article. passing on to other moms in the 5th-grade class that has just launched an episode of MeanGirls.
Way to go mom! If everyone stood up for their children in a respectful way there would be less mean kids. Oh please to the people that say an adult should not confront a child. That is part of the problem. Good for you for showing restraint, however! I am that woman at all the play places that confronts other children that push and shove my toddlers just as I watch my own children like a hawk to make sure they aren’t mean.
I know
My son is only 15 months old and I can’t imagine the depth of the feeling I would have if I find out someone has been mean to him. I read several comments on here that said that you shouldn’t have approached the “mean child” but the words you used were what that child needed to hear and there was nothing harsh or wrong about them and while I would be hesitant, for fear of making the sitation worse, sometimes there are situations when adults need to step in. While children do need to learn to stand up for themselves there are also times that adults need to step in and put them in the right direction, that’s how they learn, from example. Though you felt that rage a momma bear feels when someone messes with her cubs, you’ve shown that only in humorous words via your blong and practiced self control while fixing the problem. I think what you told your son was perfect! I loved every word and I am saving this blog so that one day, when he faces that kind of situation, I will tell my son the EXACT same thing you told yours, thank you for those words. What an amazingly compassionate person you must be and such a great example for your son. The world would be better if there were more people like you. The great part is you’re raising one to follow in your footsteps 🙂
Beautifully said…and it sounds a lot like the weekly conversation I have with my 10 year old. Mean kids drive me crazy!
I agree wholeheartedly! I almost can’t wait to implement my introduction to any mean kids that will cross my boys’ paths! We are very lucky that that has not happened yet. I will be having the discussion you had with Elijah…. before it happens so they will be emotionally and intellectually aware! Thank you for your blog!!
So I never comment on blogs, but this one struck a nerve for me. Mother of 3 almost grown kids. The bully issue is front and center in the news these days, but the reality is it has always been part of our society. As you mentioned the Bible even describes bullies…I am almost tiring of the term bully/mean kids. I think you struck a nerve for many in your blog because I am certain everyone has been bullied by someone at some point in their lives. I will not comment or whether or not you should have intervened for your son in this situation, but I would agree fully with parents talking to their children about all relationships in their lives! Since God allows all things to filter through His hands, I continually reminded my children to not focus on why this has happened to them, but how can God teach you and grow you in your faith through this situation. Some of these things are tough, but some of the worst things my kids went through brought the most spiritual growth in their life. So my new mantra is not about protecting our children from everything harmful, but as you did, teach them how to respond in a Christ like way. Because we know as adults the trials of life just keep coming! With our guidance hopefully our kids learn from these “small” hurtful things in school and use them as building blocks to prepare them to respond appropriately to the big hurtful events in the future. Stopping bullying is impossible, looking for God in all things is purposeful. 🙂 Way to keep your son on the team!
My son’s Godmother shared this witj me because you described what my son goes through on a daily basis. The hardest thing is get him tp understand that it will pass. I’ve been at 4th school more times than they wpuldw probably like me to be but I will always go to balance for my children. Thank you so much for writing this.
Let me talk you a story….
My wonderful hubby and I coach soccer for both our children which means coaching both a U8 and a U6 team. On our U8 team, we make the kids run for unsportsmanlike conduct and for touching the ball with their hands. (Some Parents may object but it works for us.). We had Allen on our team for the first time and he obviously had some behavior/learning difficulties. I don’t know how many times Allen had to run. It was a lot. He kept being mean to his teammates and that wasn’t okay with us. His parents were in board with the plan. Allen ran often.
But then there was be game I will always remember. Allen actually listened and did a good job of being positive with his teammates. I wasn’t able to catch his family before they left the game so I called their home. I had to leave a message. I told his parents how much I appreciated Allen on the team and the many positive ways I had seen him encourage his teammates. I said I just wanted them to know about their son’s great day.
They called me back later. They had played the message for Allen. When he heard my voice saying I wanted to talk to them about Allen’s behavior, his mom said he hung his head. Then he heard what I said…that I complimented him and appreciated him. His mom said he couldn’t stop smiling and hardly believed I had called. It meant so much to him to hear those words of appreciation that he never got anywhere else. The rest of the season Allen paid attention and worked hard. He knew we would be fair and praise him when he earned it. We weren’t offering false praise. We also weren’t coming down on him unfairly. I just wanted to share what earned encouragement can offer the “mean child” on our team. As adults and leaders we always walk the line of not being too hard but also holding accountable.
Thank you for giving your son tools to do both.
This article is fantastic, and I really appreciate hearing from a mother’s perspective about bullying/mean kids. I appreciate your honesty especially– I think a lot of people (most?) feel that same urge to throw the mean kids in a room and lock the door forever. But of course, that is NOT what Jesus would do, and not what He wants us to do. One thing I struggle with is how to convey the ideas you aptly described in your post to children (and adults) who have not been taught about Jesus or otherwise are non-believers? I am not an evangelist in that I personally do not believe the best way to bring people to Jesus is to knock them over the head with His message, or elbow Him into their lives. I am new in my faith as of a couple years ago, and I can speak for myself in saying Jesus pursues us and finds us when we are ready. I say this because I personally don’t believe it would be accepted by many non-believers to put things in terms of Jesus and the devil, even though to me that IS the most effective way to describe it. It could easily turn them off and shut them down, thus making the problem worse. So I am curious for feedback about other ways to empower children who are dealing with mean kids to do the right thing if they don’t have the example of Jesus in their lives to follow. This question may fit better on a non-Christian blog…. but I am interested for any feedback from fellow followers of Christ here. Thank you 🙂
I am moved by all the positive and helpful comments in this blog. I don’t usually read blogs, but a friend sent this to me via FB, and I felt compelled to check it out. We have a 10 yr old daughter, and to this point haven’t had to deal with “mean kids”. But then again, she is just going into 6th grade (next school year), and as I recall that’s when I had to deal with some mean kids myself. So this blog will certainly help empower us as a family to deal with this issue should it arise. I will have to share this with my wife, and will continue to read your blog Sandy. Most importantly, I love how you stay positive for others and will NOT let people be rude or disrespectful to you, your family, or your readers. That to me says “I will stand up and fight for what I believe”. Do not ever loose that spirit Miss Sandy. God bless you for putting this difficult topic out there for others to learn from. And one last thing. Parents, if it’s YOUR child who is being the “mean kid”, I hope and pray you would teach him/her that being mean is a choice, and we all have the power to make good choices.
Thank you so much for this comment. Truly, you have no idea how much it encouraged me this morning. I’m standing a little taller than I was a few minutes ago. God bless you!!!!
I was devastated that my son was bullied in his first year (first 5 weeks) at school (kindy) and that I didn’t realise what was happening until I saw it first hand! I thought he was just unsure about me not being with him, as he’d never been to day-care and I had only ever left him with family or close friends. But this day the bully (only 5yrs old) came right up to us as we walked into school and started calling him names, and the scary thing was he didn’t back down when I and the other Mum we were walking with asked him why he was calling my son names!! Since there was no way I was going to let this continue we went straight to the Kindy teacher, told her what happened and she said this child (the bully) had ‘issues’ and she would deal with it (the parents, the child, everything) straight away! The next day when we came to school the bully child came up and greeted us and treated my son like he was his best friend and off they went together and we haven’t had any problems with him since! I was thrilled and am ever grateful for his teacher’s help and the speed in which it was all resolved!
Standing back and letting a child be a victim is not an option, whether you’re a parent, child or just passing by! Bullying is everyone’s business!
You GO girl!
This was a wonderful, relatable post. Thank you! I will take from it frequently to apply to my own parenting regarding bullying. I only wish it was written with all loving parents in mind, not just the Christian.
Warmest Regards,
Sarah from Arizona
My daughter (one grown) was a victim on mean kids while in middle school. For some reason they targeted her and started calling her all the ugly words for being GAY which she was not. Someone started a tumor that she and her best friend were kissing in the movies, but the funny thing was they only picked on my daughter, not the best friend who was more popular because she was an athelete. Most of the abuse happened in a PE class that had a mixture of 7th and 8th graders in it. After a really bad day she came home and told me if it was going to be like this she didn’t want to live any more. Prior to this I told her to ignore the creeps, but when I heard this I called the principal and asked for a meeting. I went in with a list of names given to me by not only my daughter but others at school who I felt I could trust. Some of these kids were popular kids, and ones well thought of by teachers, one was even one of the teacher’s kid, but I had had it, and they did listen to me and talk to kids who confirmed what was going on. They talked to the culprits who they felt they could reach, and some of the more hard core kids were transferred to a different class so my daughter wasn’t so readily available to them. Then the really rotten kids started waiting for her in the mornings so they could taunt her when she walked in the building, so I started driving her to school and waited for her to get inside the building. One particular day we arrived to see the girls harassing another girl, a special needs child, and I am proud to say my daughter walked up to the girl, put her arm around her and said,” come on Sarah, you don’t have to listen to this.” I wish I could say that was the last time they were mean to her, but, I can say her skin got thicker, and she grew up in spite of the cruelty although she does yet have a few scars on her self esteem as a result of it.
You are so wonderful for how you handled it and even more wonderful for sharing it online. I skimmed through some of the comments and it can’t be easy to deal with the negativity, but I wanted to say thanks for putting up with that so the rest of us can benefit from it. I grew up in a country where bullying is not anything like it is here in the US and now that I have a daughter who is growing up here, I’m terrified that I won’t be able to help her deal with it so thank you for the wise perspective. And with a mom like you, I know your kids will do great navigating mean kids. God bless you!
Cristi, thank you for your kind comment. Most of them have been overwhelmingly positive. Amazing how the few negative ones stand out, huh? (I deleted a bunch, too.) 🙂 God bless you back.
My little girl isn’t quite two and we’ve got one on the way, so this sort of thing hasn’t even started for us, but I hope to handle it with as much grace as you have.
I haven’t read all the comments, so it’s possible someone’s already said this, but I noticed that several early commenters felt you should have taught your son to stand up for himself instead of speaking to the other child. My question is, if you don’t give your son the example of standing up to someone who is being mean, how will he learn it? You spoke to the other child kindly but without excusing his behavior or backing down, plus you were standing up for someone you love.
Way to go, mama. The world needs more like you.
Thank you for this. Just when I needed. My 10-year-old daughter has been struggling with some mean kids. You gave me a new perspective for both of us.
Thank you thank you thank you!
j.
Wow, there are lots of comments. I think that is awesome that you had the courage to stand up to that child as I have been in circumstances before and was frozen…did nothing and was ashamed of myself later. As adults, it is our responsibility to teach even other’s children and adults, if needed. If the parent’s don’t like it then they need to evaluate what they are missing as a parent because it was just plain wrong of their child to be mean. I pulled my teen out of school due to bullies and he didn’t know, but I sneaked and read his ipod message to a friend about wanting to “end it”. Of course, I didn’t waste any time pulling him out (another long story because the school tried to get him to do an outbound situation which keeps the school funded and my son would not be allowed things such as get a job but the other kids could which is unfair since he was the one being bullied) Then when the Principle asked my son why he wanted to leave the school, my son told him “the students” the principle just said, “Well…that’s not anything we can do anything about”. Really? What kind of principle are you? I don’t care how many “funded” kids you have in the school, you CAN and SHOULD do something to make it a safe and encouraging learning environment, in fact that should be top on the list before anything else, otherwise he is in the wrong line of business. Once again, I said nothing. Back to why I am commenting. Today, I came across this on fb and after reading what you said it went perfectly to tell my seven yr old daughter who is wearing a cheerleading outfit today. She is not in cheerleading…as usual, we cannot afford sports and gymnastics. But…she did attend a cheerleading clinic one time for $25 and she loved it. We missed the last one due to money and Christmas. Today at school is wear your favorite sports team shirt and she wanted to wear the cheerleading outfit and asked me, “Mom, what if someone makes fun of me”. Your words were very encouraging and perfect to read to her. And my nine year old went on to tell me how they acted out the bullying scene at school which I am very glad they are doing. Then…after dropping her and my son off to school I spoke with my sister who lives in CO. In a continued conversation about ppl being mean to you, I took out the printed paper of your words to read to her as she has had adult bullying at her work mostly towards her. She said, boy that’s good, I may have you read that to me on the way home from work. I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated the words and how it helped us. I know what I need to tell my children but sometimes I am at a loss to say it the right way. This was beautiful and we are very grateful. Thank you 🙂
What a great read! As a mother, grandmother and president of a foundation that supports those with primordial dwarfism this is always an ongoing conversation of the challenges in life. Thanks for sharing!
There’s nothing wrong with addressing the problem directly as long as you are prepared to possibly deal with angry parents, who get offended when someone calls their child out on the bad behavior. I think as long as it’s done privately -not front of other adults or children- it’s completely appropriate. I’ve had to do this myself personally. I ended the conversation with the “mean kid” with the words “before today you didn’t know how I felt about this issue. So as of now I am not angry with you and I’m not looking for you to be in trouble with anyone including your parents or the school…. But
now that you know how I feel about it, if it happens again there will be problems”
Problem was solved!!
Thank you for this. I’m dealing with some MEAN ADULTS right now at work and have felt many of the things described above. I need to keep my focus on Christ and keep my chin up and not allow these bully adults to steal my joy.
Yup. I am too dealing with a mean mom whose daughter had problems with mine. The girls in school get along fine. But the mom at pick up makes faces at my daughter. ????? Get over it already. What do you do about that? My kids walk home. It is not far. Can’t confront this woman. She is nuts to begin with so I yell my daughter ignore her. ??????? School principal and teachers did nothing last year when it was waaaaay worse.
From an adult who was repeatedly picked on as a child in school (yes, I was the skinny one with frizzy hair and glasses…lol, but when the 80’s came along, big hair came in style, and I got contacts revenge was sweet when I’d see the boys from school that laughed when I had a crush on them 😉 ), I SO wish someone had told me these very things. My husband am now raising the child that my ex husband’s daughter gave birth to and doesn’t want responsibility for, and her father is pretty much nonexistent. That right there screams “issues in the making” and a big hit to her self esteem (though I’m hoping that the love and stability that my husband and I give her, along with an awesome church can change her course). This just hits me in the heart. Thank you so much!!!
Sorry – that should read “My husband AND I ARE now raising the child…” lol.
I am now 50 ears old and I still remember to this very day the bullying I incurred as a child myself. The kids on the school bus were relentless and in school to the most part. I was thin to say the least and my Mom started dying my hair at the age of 8 and I also had very full lips. I was an outcast but I had one friend who was popular. My Mom abusive to me from a very early age both physical and verbally, she never protected me. I vowed when I became a Mom that I would never do to my children what she did to me and I would most definately protect them from bully’s. My youngest who is 8 is going through the same thing now at school. I have told my son that he needs to tell his teacher or someone including me which he does. I just can not for the life of me understand how a child can be so cruel at an early age. God Bless.
A Christian friend had a link to this on her Facebook page. I was intrigued because I have kids. I am not Christian. I am Jewish. But the fundamentals of your wonderful life lesson to your son rings true with all of us, Christian or not. I just need to make a few tweaks here but the message is the same for the most part. I will be reading this to my kids tonight and have a discussion. I will be including your Christian point of view and adding in my Jewish point of view, so I think i get two lessons in one here!!!!
COOL!!! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your wisdom… My daughter is 12 and in middle school. I understand the fact that kids have to “find themselves” but do they have to be sooo mean… and Im talking about girls that she has been friends with since kindergarten.. One of them even went as far as to make up a day called “dress like someone you HATE” day and dressed just like my daughter, curled her hair, wore a bow and glasses and told everyone what day it was and who she was dressed like. There is a group of girls at her school that my husband and I refer to as “the dark side” that is always giving her a hard time about something… throwing trash on her lunch table, booing when her name is called and making fun of everything she does.
I have told her a few things that you mentioned that there will always be mean hateful people, and people that for whatever reason, dont like you. I ask her to pray for them, not to hate them back, not to be mean just pray for them… they need it.
The bullying has somewhat slowed down as of now. They still give her a hard time every once in a while but I think because she has confronted them they have slowed down..
My daughter is in baskeball, soccer, cross country, student council, swim team, plays the violin, very active, smart, beautiful and happy. I tell her that that could be the reason they do the hateful things they do to her, cuz they want to be like her and arent brave enough to pull through the dark side and move on.
I pray for one of the girls that is part of the darkside more than the rest and that is because they use to be BEST FRIENDS…. until the dark side pulled her in.. she has said a few hateful things about her clothes and her friends to my daughter but what makes me the maddest is that she has never EVER stopped the rest of the group from all of their hateful acts.. As a good friend it is her job! She only wants to talk to my daughter when they are on the bus and no one is around..She thinks she is perfect. She is a beautiful girl, and I wish I could allow my daughter to be with her, but her hateful attitude restricts me from letting my daughter, who is dying to be friends with her, be friends with her..I’m affraid if my daughter makes one mistake, the other girl will run back to the dark side and feed fuel to the fire.. It is hard for my daughter to understand and I pray that someday she will.
Thank you again and lets all keep praying for the mean kids..God knows they need it
At first I was a bit nervous about this post – if the bully knows that the child told adults, and adults intervened, that bullying can get much worse once the adults are out of sight. Yes, adults should know what is going on, but they need to intervene carefully or the child will pay for it. I love how you followed up with your son, though – kids’ responses to bullies are so powerful. That’s what we teach our kids.
I love the post and the comments. I didn’t read them all but plenty. I am a school counselor and mom and years ago I used to be a kid. I just want to say this. Stand up for your kids when necessary, stand by your kids always, and teach them the ways they should go when yo aren’t always there. Don’t be surprised, though, if one day your own child displays mean behavior. And always try to keep a good perspective on that mean kid too. Sometimes those kids have tough lives or just need to learn some manners, but nearly all kids especially prepubescent and pubescent are dealing with a lot of issues. Their little bodies have new hormones raging in them, their brains and bodies are growing in leaps and bounds. They cannot always think clearly and will inevitably make mistakes. I am not talking about your serious, pervasive, or dangerous bullying issues necessarily; I am talking about your day to day stuff. The looks, leaving people out, saying stupid stuff. It doesn’t make it right but there is a good chance that those kids will mature enough to grow out of some of that stuff. I know I was a “good kid” and I remember picking on someone. More often I remember being picked on. I know a lot of people from my HS who were “mean” that turned out to be pretty descent adults. Perhaps the most powerful thing we can do for our kids is to pray for them. I started praying for my daughters class before she was out of diapers. I prayed for her to have good friends and for her own good choices. I am praying for all three of mine still today ( and one is still in diapers). I don’t pray that they will not have conflict, but more that their conflicts will not be dangerous or pervasive and they will be able to learn and grow from it.
Please forgive me for not reading all your oodles of comments, but I bet there may be something that has been overlooked by many. That mean kid clearly had a good father who saw the problem, and helped his son address it. What happened the next day may have been lifechanging for both boys. Way to stand up for what’s right.
Yes, Sandy O, great point. I could tell when he said “I’m sorry ma’am” that he had been trained well to address adults. Since then, the boy has been nothing but nice to my son. 🙂
A friend of mine posted this on facebook and I have spent the afternoon reading not only the article but pretty much all of the comments. I think that what you did was pretty much spot on. Your son was obviously extremely upset by the taunting, and in today’s day and age where children are committing suicide, I think as a parent you have to do something. You didn’t ridicule the boy in front of his peers or others, you didn’t say mean or harsh words back to him, you just seemed to calmly point out to him that words can, and do, hurt others. But you also turned it into a teaching moment for your son, to let him know that, yes, haters going be haters, but remind yourself that you are the one who should define yourself, not the words and thoughts of others.
I, myself, have two girls, 2nd and 4th graders, and, being a female myself, I can fully attest to the whole “mean girls” concept that it really is somehow different. Yes, boys can be mean, too, obviously since a boy was being mean to your son, but girls, we just somehow take it to a whole other level. So I will try to be brief but I have had to deal with this starting as young as 1st grade and here is how I tried to handle it and also teach my girls as well.
1. My 1st grader who was “bullied” was told that she was small Tough one because honestly, my daughter is at the 9% height wise so she is small for her age, so my first thought was, well, she is just kind of stating a fact. But nonetheless it upset my daughter, so I thought I should talk to the teacher because this person was one of her best friends, so I wanted to see if other stuff was going on. Told the teacher and that I was unsure if the girl was really intentionally being mean and the teacher asked me, how was it said and I responded “the first time…..” The teacher stopped me right there and said that if it was said more than one time then, yes, it was meant to hurt her. So the teacher pulled my daughter aside and basically told her I’m short too and I think its perfect so you are perfect too. Don’t think she talked to the “mean” girl but my daughter is still friends with her and she hasn’t said anything to her since. Also, I told my daughter, you have plenty of other friends so when she says things that upset you, walk away and find another friend to play with. My daughter’s response, yes, someone usually comes over when she sees mean girl being mean to me. So I feel that my daughter’s take away on this is, okay, I don’t have to let her words get to me and hurt me and I am a likable person because I have other friends to play with and who want to play with me. This girl will be kinda mean to other girls sometimes, like deliberately throwing a ball over their head, and my daughter, and others, will call her out for this, so I am hopeful that, at least as of now, my daughter isn’t going to turn into a “mean girl.”
2. Incident #2 that I think was a great teachable moment and gets to a lot of your readers comments, because it “puts her in the shoes of the mean girl”, happened to my now 4th grader in 3rd grade. So this girl, who has always been a bit of a bully, really turned it up a notch in 3rd grade. She never really picked on my daughter, but she picked on a lot of my daughter’s good friends, which upset my daughter, because she is just that kind of person. Well, I happened to know this family a little and knew that the parents were going through a divorce. So I just told my daughter and some of her closest friends, when this girl is being mean to you, try and take a step back and remember that her parents are getting a divorce, which is probably upsetting her, and she doesn’t seem to have a good outlet for her frustration so she is just taking it out on you guys, and how would you feel if your parents were getting a divorce? In other words, she does have a “reason” for being mean, doesn’t make it right, but makes it more understandable. My daughter actually suggested that we give the parents the name of a psychologist (had to take my daughter to one in 2nd grade, not really for bullying, but for some peer issues). Didn’t talk to the parents because I really only knew the dad and from what little I knew of him, I didn’t think he would really do anything or take it all that seriously. But I just wanted to teach my daughter empathy and I have to say, even though they aren’t in the same classroom this year, I haven’t heard bad things about this particular “mean” girl so she has maybe changed her ways.
Wow, lots of comments here!
I just wanted to mention something; not sure if it’s been addressed: Please never, NEVER believe the lie that “They’ll always have to deal with that; it’s just life.”
No. Adults have recourse. As one person put it, they can go where they are welcome. They can go to HR, they can at least warn of harassment discipline. They can take people to court. They can go to the police. And most assuredly, those of us who don’t exercise these options DO exercise options such as changing assigned seats or changing jobs. If someone had none of these options as an adult, only to be mocked relentlessly, we’d feel for her and try to change her situation. So please, please, do no less with a child.
I have read, among other things, of a girl with a physical disability (in a wheelchair maybe?) being bullied. Horrible.
Different Bible version from my typical one, 🙂 but I like this motto that another blogger has: “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. ” Prov. 31:8
You are so right! No child should ever have to face a bully without support
Great points that I know people are not considering!
As a parent, grandparent, educator and counselor, I think you handled the whole situation beautifully. Bullying in this generation has gotten out of proportion from earlier generations. One reason being we have not confronted bullies openly or taught children how to deal with them. BTW a good threat to use when talking to the bully is “I am going to takes steps to settle the matter”. Obviously, the kid knew what he was doing was wrong from his response and sometimes a kid just needs reminding by a responsible adult. In past eras, kids have been held accountable by most of the adults in the community. My kids always said they couldn’t do anything they shouldn’t because their dad and I knew everyone, so they would get caught. That is not a bad thing and lack of adults to “get involved” in bad behavior is one reason bullying is out of hand these days. As far as what someone said about kids saying they are being bullied when they aren’t, I have found the opposite to be true. Most are afraid to tell. The few that lie about usually have a history of “tattling” and you can always check it out. I always had kids tell me where and when it happening so I could watch and see it happening, so I would be the witness without anyone being the tattle. Most parents and teachers can tell the difference between “telling” or “tattling”. That was the first thing I taught to kindergarten students and reminded kids each year.
My son rode home every day from school with our neighbor and her son. The son was the same age. After school, the neighbor’s son would get to the car before my son did. The neighbor’s son would say outside of his mom’s hearing, “It’s about TIME you made it.” So of course, my son started leaving his instrument in the band room so he could get out there in time and not be taunted. Starting leaving stuff in his locker so he could leave from the last class to get to the car, and not be taunted. Finally, he told me about this. I called his mom and we had a nice conversation. I asked if my son really was late. No, he wasn’t. She didn’t realize this was happening, truly within her eye sight. She said she’d talk to her son. The next day, neighbor’s son taunted my son with (sing songy voice) “have to have your mommy take care of you???” We were able to work it out with a teacher that my son could stay in his room after school until I could pick him up. Needless to say, we weren’t disappointed when their family were no longer our neighbors and moved away.
Wonderfully written! Thank you. I teach kindergarten in a public school. A few weeks ago, one boy teased a girl over and over about her fruit smoothies she brought for lunch. They are in pouches that look similar to some baby foods that are packaged in pouch-like containers. The boy has a baby brother so, in his 5 year old mind, his classmate was eating baby food. She tried explaining that it was NOT baby food and that his teasing was hurtful. She did not tell me about the incident but she did tell her mom. The next day, her mom packed two fruit smoothie pouches–one for her daughter and one for her daughter’s “bully.” When the girl shared the smoothie with her classmate at lunch, I observed Christ’s mercy and love in the actions of 5 year olds. The boy was so touched. He couldn’t thank her enough (or apologize enough), and by recess, the two were inseparable. True, those concrete lessons are easier when they’re younger. Bullying becomes much more subtle as they get older. But I learned an incredible lesson that day. I thank that mom, her daughter, and even our 5 year old bully, for reminding me that we have been called to speak up when we see unkindness, defend and care for those who are mistreated, and show mercy and forgiveness to those who have hurt us.
I absolutely think you stepping in was right!! My daughter was bullied. After her dad and I constantly coached her time after time she now (8th grade) will tell them how it is. My child is a normal kid. She has friends, dresses nice, and a great attitude. So I can only imagine how kids who struggle are treated. I have told a kid who bent my child’s fingers back till she hit her knees just what she needed to do………and it stopped. To many kids commenting suicide to not take up for them, times have changed!
Great article. A few months ago my 8th grade son and another kid were being bullied in PE. He was so angry he refused to do homework. I was really concerned about his anger level, since he RARELY gets angry.
I told him that sometimes kids are bullies because there are serious problems in their own homes, and that he was very blessed because he comes from a loving home, where his parents love each other and most importantly love him. I encouraged him to find it in his heart to forgive the bullies and let go of the anger. He took my advice and went even a step further: he told the bullies he didn’t care if they bullied him, but to stop bullying the other kid. I spoke with the coach, and soon after the bullying stopped. He was much happier, and now he and the other kid who was bullied are friends.
Believe it or not, I was bullied, teased, and tormented relentlessly from age 4 to age 18…by the same person (and most of his friends). Overcoming the effect it had on me has been the biggest challenge in my life. So glad to see our society waking up to the importance of this kind of abuse.
I’m probably one of the few commenters who didn’t read your entire article. It’s not to say that it’s not worth reading but a relative shared it on facebook and one of the things that popped out in the description was your “h” word. I would just like to ask you to consider that Jesus said his words carry life and spirit. Keep in mind, this for us too. Words are confession and who is it that we want to glorify? I realize that we are all human and I’m far for perfect, but I’ve come to a place that I realize how important that is. If you “think” you “h” someone, please keep in mind…..that’s not you. That’s a spirit. We will all have temptations, but through him and the rememberance of him the battle is won. Have a nice day! 8D
I love most of these great comments! One thing I have noticed recently is that we also need to be careful of adults bullying kids. It is not just kid vs kid or adult vs adult. It is often adult bullying kid which makes it much harder and worse because we teach our children to respect adults. It makes it practically impossible for the child to do anything about it because it’s an adult. A 16 yr old said to me, after telling me an incident last weekend, “nevermind, it’s okay don’t worry about it.” And I said right back, “NO. It’s not okay. I will handle it.” As his leader I have not only the right but the obligation to take care of that situation. I applaud all those who are trying to teach their children and whole-heartedly agree and would also add that children also need to learn and maybe even more so that adults can be mean and bully as well and under no circumstances is that acceptable. Someone once said to me if a child of any age feels threatened by an adult to run and find a MOM!
Thank you so much for sharing this. The heart-to-heart talk you shared with him made my heart melt. We need to make sure our kids are not the “mean kids” and understand that we are there for them. Like you said, we can’t be with them all day every day but we can equip them with what they need to do to handle the situation that they or another child might be in. 🙂
We JUST dealt with a meanie – but it wasn’t a kid – it was a mean old lady who called my special needs daughter spoiled and stupid and questioned my parenting skills. I gave that mean old lady a piece of my mind – I also questioned if it was Christ like behavior but you know what? Sometimes Jesus turned over tables and called people out – I didn’t use any bad words while getting my point across so I think I am good 😉
You couldn’t be more right about a parent sticking up for their kid. There are some parents that have the ‘let-them-work-it-out-themselves’ policy or fear it will make the situation worse, but I can tell you that the one time my mom took on a bully herself when I was in middle-school is burned FOREVER in my memory. She became my hero that day, and regardless of the outcome, I knew for sure that Mom fiercely loved me and had my back. And guess what? That bully NEVER messed with me again. I’m just getting to a place with my three boys that I need to teach them how to handle the mean kids….I love this advice – thank you!
Thank you for teaching your son to not be the mean kid. I have a daughter who is 3 with Down Syndrome. Right now everyone thinks she is the cutest thing and just love her, but I know one day she is going to grow up and not be that “cute” kid to everyone and I am scared. Hearing someone express what you did above gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, she will have a friend like your son.
Thanks for this enlightening post. Wish some of my teachers had seen this from 4-12th grades. Maybe they would have helped when I was being picked on ferociously. My parents hekped when they could. Still at age 60+ I remember being picked on at school, chosen last for every phys ed. team, never having been nominated for any position at school or in scouts, never having a date in high school, etc. My favorite place was church camp each summer, because even though I never was in the popular crowd there at least I wasn’t picked on. The new girl who stood up to the bullies for me in 6th grade when we barely knew each other quickly became my best and only true friend at school. Even though as an adult I have been elected to state wide office in more than one group and chosen as president of several different groups and have many friends I still question whether I’ll be accepted in all new circumstances all because I was bullied as a child and a teen-ager. And yet as a child of the King and as a happily married woman, I know I’m loved. You don’t know how great it is to get an unsolicited appreciative note or comment or an “I love you”, from an adult friend when the only ones who told you that as a child were your parents and maybe your Sunday School teacher. I thought it very interesting a few months ago when a classmate who bullied me as a child commented on FB that “bullying was a relatively new phenomenon. In our small town no one was bullied.” Wish I could have anonymously reminded her of the actions of herself and her fellow students.
I love the advice you gave to your child. I have a grandson who turned 13 yesterday. He is such a sweet kind child. When he was a couple weeks old he started having seizures. It took a long time for the doctors to find the right meds to control them. We learned that every time he had a seizure it would damage brain sells. To look at Tanner you wouldn’t know anything was wrong with him,. But it is difficult for him to retain what he learned that day. He is the sweetest, kindest, loving person I have met. He has been bullied since he started school. Been in the hospital twice at the age of 9 for wanting to take his life. Recently his mother overheard his prayer…begging to talk to Jesus. Told God he didn’t want to take up much of Jesus time. Said he had been asking for a friend for years, and just wanted to ask him to send him ONE friend. So I am asking that anyone who reads this, lift Tanner up and ask for God to send him a friend.
Thank you all.
Grandma Debbie
I am praying for your grandson, Debbie.
Thanks for posting this article! I try to teach my kids the exact same things, but I like how you said it. I am going to read this to them. I had to deal with a mean child the other day. This boy was being physically rough with my son, and this boy was 4 years older than my son. My son told this boy to stop, but he didn’t. I did go up and approach him and talked to him respectfully instead of yelling at him like I wanted to. 🙂 I normally won’t get involved, but this time I couldn’t let it pass.
I would add to this that when kids deal with “mean people” it gives us an opportunity to teach them to pray for those who mistreat you. It is important to teach kids compassion like she did explaining that hurting people hurt people. I tell my son and daughter to stop and say a little prayer for them. I also think it is important to teach to repay meanness and mistreatment with good. My kid has won over many mean kids through prayer and kindness. Teaching them to pray really builds their faith when the bully changes his or her heart. I also love that prayer keeps my kids heart pure and forgiving. I personally do not like to get involved when my child is 8…unless it is serious (harm physically or real verbal abuse). As parents, we are in a process of letting go and giving wings. My son gain confidence when he learns to confront issues himself. When I get involved over childish mockery, he is weakened. Just my experience…may not work for everyone.
All of your cute little bubble ideas would work in a perfect world. My son has been bullied since 5th grade by the same little brat. I tried talking to the parents only to be told we could take it outside. The administration in the elementary and secondary level have done nothing. This child has cursed, shoved, hit, and now taunting my son. I have had him go to the teacher only to be told to man up. The administration reprimanded my son the last time he went to them. I have learned that this school and the teachers want nothing to do with this issue. They stick their heads in the sand and do not want to deal with issue. I have now told him the next time that Connor shoves, hits, or pushes him to just turn around and pummel him. I am done with the system not wanting to do anything about bullying. I see all over the tv how the schools are helping. BS they do not want to do their jobs. I have documented dates, times, and what occurred with this child. So sorry but your cute little ideas must happen in a perfect world but in my son’s world it will be dealt with accordingly.
I don’t think it’s a bubble or a perfect world, as much as it’s just our reality. I’m so sorry your son continues to get bullied. I can tell you are at your wit’s end. I would be, too. Continue being an advocate for your child and do something to protect him before someone gets really hurt.
You can file a police report/charges on the child and possibly the parents
Thanks for posting such a positive way to handle the MEAN KID. This is just what I needed as on our boys was picked on my another boy at our church on Sunday morning. You think it happens at home or school, but bullying happens everywhere.
I really enjoyed your article but I thought this part was exceptionally good…
“Don’t be afraid to call the bully out. Kids who privately mock you behind a coach’s back are cowards. It’s okay to say, “Hey, stop it. We’re teammates and that’s not cool.” Say it loud enough for Coach to hear you. Shining light on darkness makes darkness go away.”
We need to TEACH our children how to deal with these situations, not run from them.
I honestly could not disagree more. I most definitely lead my children by example, but that means they watch me and how I handle my OWN conflicts. Someone is rude to me in the grocery store? They watch me handle that. If someone disagrees with me, they see how I respectfully debate. What I don’t do is get involved with their conflicts. I of course pay attention and keep an eye out for anything crossing lines, but someone being mean to my kid is a very normal and natural part of life. It is normal for the “mean kid” to be mean. We of course expect other parents to teach them otherwise, but there have been mean kids and mean adults since the beginning of time. It’s dominance, just like any other species that ever has or will walk this Earth. My job as a parent is NOT to defend or protect my child from negative events, but to teach him how to stand up for himself and cope with his feelings. When my child tells me another kid is being mean to him, I ask, “So what are you going to do about it?” Because this is what he needs to figure out. Whether he decides to ignore him or punch him, those are his choices to experiment with and see what consequences those choices produce. It is my job as a parent to prepare my child to be an adult, and I fully intend to raise a MAN, who can adapt and handle whatever comes his way.
I agree with what you have said. It is important for us as parents to step in sometimes. I often watch my daughter play and wait to see how she handles the situation. If she is not handling it well, I will step in and talk with her about what she can do in this type of situation and stop her behavior at that point. If she handled it well, I will tell her that I was proud of her for treating the little boy that was being mean to her with kindness and telling him, “I don’t like it when you _____, please stop.”
This makes me think of a time when we went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch and play time. I noticed that there was a group of kids following my daughter around in the play structure up top (there is a little enclosed Cow car that overhangs the play area) with clear plastic on the windows and wheels so you can see. I noticed that she would run into the front of the car to hide (which is completely unlike her even in a situation where a child is mean to her), then try to run out the way she came- only to come running to the front and hide again. That is when I saw 3 other kids at the opening to the tunnel pushing her back to the front. I waited to see how she would handle it. I waited until I could bear it no more. The little ring leader girl (prob about 5 or 6) was angrily screaming right in my daughter’s face and the other kids would follow suit. I went in, banged on the car and told the kids, “Stop screaming at her, no one wants to play with you when you are screaming and being mean.” She stopped at that point and my daughter was able to get out of the car to play in another area. BUT it continued. One of the little girls told me she was slapping kids on the face – just any kid she wanted (this girl was her cousin). So, this little girl kept honing in on my kid pushing her, screaming at her, and trying to hit her. I then went in again. I banged on the little car and yelled for the little girl to stop and to move out of the way. When she did, I told my daughter to leave and not play with the mean kids. My daughter went running down the tunnel to get to the slide and come down. I heard her start screaming. So (like a crazy Mama-bear) I went up the slide, dress and all, to find this girl and her minions holding my daughter at the top of the slide so she couldn’t come down and hitting her. I was furious. I grabbed my daughter and told that little girl that she should never hit others because no one wants to be friends with the mean kid. I then took a ride down the slide with my crying daughter.
In this instance, there is nothing I could have said to the mother to make her see what her daughter was doing was wrong or to change it. I saw the mom with one handicapped child – yelling and screaming at her to go into the play area even though she was obviously scared to be in there. She couldn’t speak, hardly walked, and was much older than the other children. This mom was in over her head. I’m sure she was stressed, tired, and probably alone. It was so very sad. I wished to be able to find a way to help her, but was also so extremely angry at the situation. We left. I don’t even think the mom noticed that her younger daughter was screaming, slapping, and cornering kids. This is why it takes a village. This other mom obviously needs some support that she is not receiving from family or friends. The little girl was only imitating the way her mother treated them.
My daughter is 3.
It is SO funny how God puts the answers right in front of your eyes sometimes, RIGHT at the exact time you need them. I have been dealing all afternoon with the fact that one of my 12 year old sons FRIENDS, in fact the GIRL he has had a crush on all year, hacked his XBOX 360 account, PURCHASED things through it to change his ‘avatar’ and some other stuff that I don’t understand, and then changed his PROFILE to say “lesbian” and that he is from ‘sexy town’… and THEN sent out a message to all 31 of his Xbox friends that said “I am gay and I am proud of it”. Needless to say, my son is mad, hurt, embarrassed, sad, etc. and I am faced with dealing with it all. It turns out that one of his best friends gave the girl his password because she said she was going to help share some map that would help them all play some game… we had a very emotional afternoon as we dealt with that, had to call Microsoft because she changed his password, which is how we found out our Amex had been charged with her purchases, etc… I was sitting here thinking I should go check on him because he has been through a lot today… took one last glance at facebook and a friend had posted this PERFECT article…with PERFECT words for me to say to my son…. THANK YOU… hope you don’t mind if I borrow some of your well said words….
I am soooooo sorry this happened to your son. He must feel terrible. I’ll pray for you, Kelly, that God gives you the perfect words to walk with him through this.
GOOD FOR YOU!!! Your message probably got through to him because he saw you stick up for him.
Wow! One of the best blog posts I have EVER read! I am extremely anti-bullying and have taught bother of my daughters (now ages 16 and 20) the same thing. Never be the mean kid but always be the rescuer. Great post! Phenomenal! Thanks! Love your writing style also! 🙂
Thank you. What a gracious comment. You made my day. 🙂
I love this & agree fully. What are your thoughts on the most Christ like way to address Mean Moms?
Are the Mean Moms being mean to YOU or to YOUR KIDS? How well do you know Mean Mom? What exactly did Mean Mom say? As I’m sitting here trying to answer this question, I can think of several different responses depending on the circumstances. 🙂
This is a great post! As a teacher and a new mom, kids need to know that someone is in their corner. We train them to handle situations by leading by example. I was bullied as a kid. So much so that I would come home crying on many days. I also had a boy grab another boy’s hand and rub it up and down my neck. This was in sixth grade. I told my parents who wrote a letter to the school. The boys were talked to by the administration and told that if they did anything like that again, they would have legal action taken against them. They weren’t a problem after that. However, that experience stuck with me. I was very sensitive to being touched after that, even among friends and family. It took years to be able to get over it. In High School, I finally learned to stick up for myself. I realized I didn’t have to take it anymore. I had a great group of church friends and parents who I knew would always back me up. They saying around school became, “don’t “mess” with Mary Beth.” There was a different word in there but I changed it. Now, I was not a mean kid, they knew if they were nice, everything would be cool. If they weren’t, I would stand up for myself. As a teacher, there was no bullying allowed, period. A joke is not a joke unless both people are in on it. I taught in a small school in Man O War, Bahamas. In that community, adults routinely corrected bad behavior, no matter whose kid it was. I even rebuked one of my students for back talking to her mother. The mother looked at me gratefully. All rebukes to anyone need to be in a Christ like manner, but sometimes, it needs to be given. My daughter will trained how to handle bullies, but she will always know I am her backup!
i loved what you wrote you brought tears to my eyes, i’m a mom for 2 boys the older one is a very sweet boy everybody loves him and i mean adults, but he doesn’t have that much of luck with kids maybe cause he thinks older or maybe because he’s a sweet good boy, for the past 2 years he’s been bullied a lot especially last year the 4th grade year, i did what the educator said talked to the teacher talked to the school but nothing every time i talk to the teacher she’ll tell me kids could be mean sometimes especially girls, i always wanted to do the approach thing but always been afraid of what parents will think or maybe it will make things worse until this year, the bully stage went to one time he was standing for a girl and the boys told him it’s non of your business get out of our way or will stab you with a knife….!!! i was out of my mind went to the school talked to the teacher, principle, bus driver and you know the answer was, “will investigate and will let you know”…i didn’t like the answer my son now he’s in the threatening circle and i don’t care what ppl say or think no one talks or threaten my son i went in the complex my son told me where the kids live i didn’t find the parents saw the kids playing i was going toward them they saw me and ran away i saw the uncle and talked to him i told him i’m not going to talk to the kids today i’m talking to you tell those boys not to get near my kids or else and left..!! and believe it or not the kids never get near my kids anymore…some kids are sooooo mean that i don’t think even the parents or school has any control on them and i’m not a social worker or even educator i’m a mom and i don’t care what all written in those new educational books nowadays about the best way to raise or teach or or i’m here for my kids i didn’t have them or brought them to this life to let them suffer, i’m here for them and i always will until God calls, i’m with leaving your kids solve their problems cause there is a lot to learn in life and i always explain that for them, but when it gets to a point where they are threatened then no and a big NO…..
Mean kids do more than cause hurt feelings and low self esteem. It has been just a little over three months since I lost my daughter. I always had stuck up for her and did my very best to teach her to be loving to others. But the day came when it was one mean kid too many. I think that when there is a problem, whether you are the adult in the situation or a classmate, you should do what you can to make the situation better. It could mean more than you will know. It could save a life.
Wow! This sends a message no parent wants to even think about, let alone deal with. I am truly so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I applaud you for being able to get through reading this blog post and thank you for sharing with us the most personal of feelings. Let this serve as a “wake-up call” to all the posters who said not to step in. So sorry, Sherry. 🙁
Sherry,
I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a child–he was only 9 months old and the circumstances were completely different–but I know how a mother’s heart bleeds at this kind of loss. If you ever want to email me privately, I’d love to hear all about your precious daughter. I bet she was amazing. thescooponbalance(at)gmail(dot)com
If my kid ever bullied another kid I pray…some mom would tell my kid to watch how they talk to their kid and scare the pants off my kid!!! Adults DO gave the the right to approach a kid and hold them accountable. It takes a village… And I sure as heck need help raising my own!!! :). Nice call!
Did it ever occur to do to him what you were doing to your kid? Did you think it might be an option to yell a compliment to him on a shot or a block he makes? I would imagine that he might have been a bit taken aback by that. The good thing is that it would have given your child the example that you don’t have to go into attack mode to solve the problem. You touched on the possibility that the mean kid may have been lacking some things, but you didn’t address the possibility that it was a parent that cares enough to shout for him. I nearly fell off my chair when I read that you got in the mean kids face. No you won’t always be there to defend him, but it would have been better if you taught him how to resolve the situation without going on either the offensive or defensive – leaving him without you but with a better posture from which to view some of lifes challenges. I believe that the icon of your faith would have responded in a more positive manner, probably along the lines I have described, but certainly not with the threatening technique you used. In my tiny opinion, bad job, mom.
David, I respectfully disagree with you. She did not threaten the child, she just said not to speak that way to her son. Kids sometimes need backup. Obviously, the mean kids parent needs to keep better charge of his son. Though I do give him props for making his son go back and apologize. Kids today have very little respect. They must earn respect by giving it.
i also don’t agree with you do you know that there is a lot of suicide incidents because of those mean kids i don’t care what others will think of me or even parents i’m here to protect my child i’m not overprotective but when you have a special need kid and he’s been bullied most of the time and you know that he would do something to Hurt himself then i will and WILL go stand up for him, i read a few days ago about a boy who is 8 years old he hanged himself because he was bullied and no one did anything to help him or as everybody says …let him solve his issues with no interfering so he can build up a personality….!!!!
David:
First off, I think I need to refrain from reading comments before prayer and coffee time. Starting off the day at 5:45 with a complete stranger telling me “bad job, mom” is not good. (I mean, I know I do a bad job lots of times…but shoot, I haven’t even started the stinking day, and I’ve already failed! Darn it.) 🙂
In answer to your question/tiny opinion, no, in that moment it did not occur to me to shout compliments out to the other child. It was after practice and there was no opportunity to do so. I made a very quick (knee-jerk, probably not the best) decision to confront the child who incessantly mocked my son and made him feel like “everyone in the world hates him.” (Ironically, for doing the very thing you think I should have done).
Since that time, however, we’ve had several practices and games and I have smiled at, clapped for and, yes, yelled compliments to all the other players, including the one I called Mean Kid.
The “getting in his face” was not the part of this story I wanted to encourage other parents with. That was sort of just the introduction to the meat of this post–which was the discussion/teaching opportunity/equipping that happened the next morning.
Thank you for this great post. I can certainly relate. Unfortunately one of my most embarrassing parenting moments was when I “dealt with” the Mean Kid–definitely not one of my finer moments. However, several years later this same kid-now-teenager apologized to my daughter and asked her to pass on her apologies to me for what she had done. I’m not sure what brought about the changes in this child but it was encouraging!
Thanks for your post – great job! I have to weigh in here. Warning – this will be long, but i hope our family’s story might help others. My children are now grown, but my son was bullied all through elementary school and I tried everything I could think of to get it to stop. The damage done to young psyches is sometimes irreparable and I truly believe that the lack of willingness for anyone to confront is a huge problem today. I’m not surprised at the school violence and suicides given that nobody wants to confront the real problem. In my son’s case, the bully lived on our street and was in my son’s class. My son never made it home from school with art projects, etc. because bully and his buddies would lie in wait to beat him up and smash whatever he had with him on the way home from school. I first tried going to the mother and asking if we could sit down – her boy and mine and the 4 of us and hash it out because our neighborhood was too nice to have these things going on. She refused and read me the riot act and said that anything her son was doing was justified. I’m not saying my child was perfect – he was socially awkward after years of these things happening. This was all in front of her son so he felt even more empowered to escalate the bullying. The next time it happened, I called the police. They came out and confronted the other boy and his brother admitted that he was in fact bullying my son and had been for some time. Instead of the mom sitting her son down and trying to change things, she came over and was indignant that I’d gone to the police instead of working it out between ourselves. I reminded her that I had tried that option first. Sadly, this incident did no good in helping as the police said until they had evidence of physical harm to my son that nothing could be done. Fast forward a few months and a whole group of bully and friends jumped my son on the playground at recess and were pummeling him. The teachers were not aware until a little girl ran over to tell them what was happening. The teachers broke it up and called me to come in. At this point, I’d already had several conversations with the counselor and principal and they admitted that they knew the other boy was a problem, but couldn’t really do anything about it since his parents refused to acknowledge the behavior was a problem. The boys were suspended for 3 days, but the counselor recommended we move our son to a different school. I was outraged that they didn’t insist on moving the bully to a different school, but I had to be sure this was over so we talked with my son and moved him to a new school. To our great delight, our son made new friends immediately and there was no bullying. We kept him in a different school for middle school, but he had to go back to the same school with bully for high school. Fortunately, by that point in time, my son had true friends that would stand up for him no matter what so even though there were a few skirmishes, nothing major happened in high school. I worried that my son would think that the way to solve problems is to run away from them, but we chose to teach him that removing yourself from bad situations is not only ok, but a smart thing to do. We taught him that it is never ok to throw the first punch, but he has every right to defend himself if he is being attacked and never to hesitate to come to the rescue for someone else if they are being bullied. I am happy to say that today, my son is a well-adjusted man with many friends and very successful in his career and life. For those of you going through this right now – do whatever you have to do for your child to know that you have their back. I’m thankful that bullying is at least in the public conversation now and it is my hope and prayer that no child ever have to go through what mine did.
God Bless you. I truly needed to hear this. I am a junior in high school and what you said about children growing older don’t go to their parents like they used to rings true. This truly made me cry. In ways I think I am my own bully from others rubbing off on me, which is very bad I know. I really needed to hear this and would love to talk to you about it sometime.
Sandy, I am just reading this on Feb. 10th…I applaud your courage, your mama-bear-ness, and thank you for posting this…it should not hurt to be a child, anywhere or anytime.
God bless.
I have an 11 year old daughter who’s “Best Friend” is making her life miserable. I too would love to jump in and just take care of it myself. I envisioned myself today attacking her verablly and demanding an answer. I know this is teaching my daughter nothing, but it’s that mama bear syndrome and it’s very strong. Thank you so much for this article it has helped my calm my anger and find a way to discuss this with my daughter that may actually make a difference.
I do love what you told him. But I have to say I do love the P90X thing too lol.
Thank you so much for this. We’re dealing with mean kids right now and it’s so heartbreaking. One of our daily rituals is to tell Mom what you did during the day that was kind. My kids work so hard to be kind and in turn one of them is dealing with name calling, tormenting, hitting and kicking by the same kids he has tried to be kind to. 🙁 Today he told me “Mom, you told me to never ever be the mean kid, and I’m not.”
(P.S. Found this post from a friend in AZ….only to find out it was written by you, my sister-in-law’s sister. hehe!)
I strongly agree with what you wrote I have been the mother that confronted her children bullies. Even had a parent try to have me arrested for it but I will be the parent and help my children always. Now I have shared your blog on Facebook because in the past week alone there has been 2 suicides due to kids being bullied and messed with by others. No adults stepped in to help and the kid took their own life to escape. Both of these children were young only in the 7th grade at 13 years old. I have let my children have cell phones and Facebook but I monitor it have all of their passwords because I am very aware of what goes on in their life. I feel any adult needs to step in and help a child if they need it and all parents should talk to their kids and let them know to talk about problems and not bottle them up or try to solve them alone. lets save our children because they are the future and they need us more then ever this world is getting harder to handle.
Thank you for this post. I agree 100% with everything you said. My only child is in 5th grade at a private Christian school. We live in a rural area & there are only 10 students in his entire grade. When he was in the 2nd grade, he started being bullied by another boy, who had also been attending school w/ him since kindergarten. It got to the point by 3rd grade that my son was coming home w/ bruises ALL over him from this bully. (We tried talking w/ the parents & it did get somewhat better in 2nd grade but 3rd grade just brought a new level of bullying). We finally decided to go to the school bc we felt the parents just weren’t getting it. While in the meeting w/ the principal, teacher AND both sets of parents, the mom & dad of the bully said *Look, our son is the youngest of 5 boys. Because of this, he gets bullied at home. Well, not bullied but you know, they rough house! We feel that bc your son is an only child that he is misunderstanding *bullying* for just playing rough.* I just looked at them & said *Just because your son is the youngest of 5 boys in YOUR house, does NOT give him the right to bully MY son at school. It is NOT rough-housing when my child tells your son what he is doing hurts or to stop.* I almost felt like they were saying our kid was a wimp bc he was an only child & that hurt me on a very personal level because I dealt with 10 years of infertility, had 11 miscarriages (one of which literally almost killed me) & many many surgical procedures before finally being able to have *A* child by in vitro fertilization. I would have LOVED to have given my child a sibling or 2 but the fact is, I could not. My body failed me time & time again even after our son was born. Eventually, after the bullying continued through 4th grade, they pulled their son out after the 1st semester & have been homeschooling him ever since. But my son just couldn’t understand why this kid was so mean to him & he would say to me *But mama, we are friends. I like him. Why is he mean to me?* Plus it wasn’t just him he was bullying. The teacher moved this kid to the front of the class & anytime ANY student walked to the front to simply sharpen a pencil, the boy would do things like sticking his leg out to trip the other kids.
Just last week, in the county school district where we live, a 9 yr old girl tried to kill herself because she was being bullied. Currently that school district does NOT have a bullying policy in place & its very very sad!!
As a former child who constantly got belittled at school for my weight, it is a breath of fresh air hearing a parent teach their child to never be a Mean Child, but for importantly to stick up for other child being picked on. I can recall countless times I had wished someone would come to my rescue when I was younger.
As a current middle school teacher, this is one of the biggest lessons I try to teach my students. If more of the bystanders would step up and let the mean people know that that behavior won’t be accepted. There needs a whole cultural shift.
You have empowered your son with great wisdom! God bless!!!
Great article, thank you 🙂
Thank you for your story! God puts things in front of us all at the perfect time!
There are a lot of comments on here and I didn’t read every one of them , so I’m not sure if someone already made this point: I think the mean kid on the court should have had to apologize to your son. His dad should have seen to that. If my child does something wrong against someone else and apologizes to me, I tell him that I’m not really the one he should apologize to; he needs to also apologize to the person he offended AND say “I was wrong”. Saying I’m sorry often comes out as an automatic, forced response, but I think it humbles them a little to admit fault. And It sure deflates a bully when the have to walk up and admit they were wrong.
I agree with you. I try to teach my son to say “I’m sorry” when he has done something on accident, but to say “please forgive me” when he has done something wrong. When people say “I’m sorry” it could be for the offense, or it could be that they got caught…
I have a family member that divorced her husband. Shortly after her divorce was finalized she married someone who had money but had health issues and was many years her senior. That was almost ten years ago and she recently disclosed to me that she was sorry she divorced her husband. Being so close to her I knew that is wasn’t because she was repentant, it was because of the consequences her sinful choice. She was sorry that her children and grandchildren weren’t with her every holiday, that she didn’t have the close relationship with her daughters that she would’ve liked, that she was now responsible for taking care of her current husbands deteriorating health; ultimately she was sorry for herself and the mess she had made.
It’s like my pastor says, “Choose to sin, choose to suffer”.
I think what you said to your son is amazing. I’m an educator (life skills, counselor, teacher, mentor, etc) and bullying is prevalent and soul destroying. It hurts me to the core the way kids treat each other. I think “telling an adult” has been proven to “make things worse”. Usually I pull the victim aside and ask “what can I do to help?” “Who can you trust?” “Who is in your corner?” and try to empower them to make good choices and stand up to bullies but what has been proven time and time again is that strength is in numbers. Rather than approach bullies if we can create allies we can stamp out this problem. That is why it is so important to approach the subject like you did with your son- building empathy- teaching what is right, not what is retaliation. It’s a hard and dicey subject, it is devastating to be around even it your child isn’t the victim (in which case it is literally insane)…. PLEASE…. adults….. BE ALLIES and teach those younger than you to do the same. Even the strongest bully ego is weakened by resistance in numbers. Thanks for sharing, this was awesome.
Hope returning 🙂
Thank you. 🙂
Wow! I loved this article. So very true and I loved the way you handled the whole situation plus what you told your child the next morning. I laughed out loud with the P90X comment! Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Thank you so much…I like your approach to handling mean kids. My oldest child is a special needs child and her younger sister (only 5 years old) is already getting questions about her older sister being different. My husband and I have been struggling with what we’re going to say when that mean kid comes along. We have no issue going straight to the parents, but preparing our girls is what’s hard for us. They are both very spiritial and loving kids, but I’m affraid a bully will prey on them because of our family being different. Your approach gives me comfort.
Thank you for sharing this. Beautifully said!
Thank you so much for posting this. I have a 15 year old that has dealt with this since 7th grade. I’m going to print this out and give it to him to read. Hopefully it will help him too. Thanks again!
I’m moved to tears thinking about your son reading this and God using it to empower and strengthen him. God bless you.
Well said!
I loved this! I have a child going into 3rd grade and I know this is coming and I’ve feared it because I didn’t know what to do. Mama feels armed!
I don’t understand why a parent or another adult wouldn’t get involved. We are teaching our children to get involved if they see someone picking on someone. I see the ads on TV saying don’t just stand there get involved. As parents we lead by example if we aren’t willing to stop a bullying situation why would my child? I think speaking to another child is completely appropriate. After seeing adults deal with situations correctly and positively our children will learn how to deal with bully’s or negative situation.
thank you. i pinned this to my “i can be a better mom” board and i plan to read it to my kids … regularly! truly inspired words. i can’t say thank you enough.
The other day at a children’s museum, my son knocked down another girl’s block tower… admittedly a MEAN thing to do. I immediately swopped in, tried to show him how it made the girl feel, asked him to apologize and help her re-build it. The girls mom, then refused his help telling the girl that “he is just mean… all boys are so mean” and continued with more of boys are mean and that was so mean in several more sentences until the daughter finally said it too. Yep, Boys are all mean. IF this woman REALLY thought boys were mean, then this was a perfect chance to teach MY boy how to be kind. LET him apologize… ACCEPT his apology and his help. TEACH him to be kind. I realize this is my job and I am trying, but can we all try together. Tomorrow you might be the one with the “mean kid” despite your best efforts. Can we teach kindness with kindness or do we have to be MEAN to the mean kids?
Thank you for posting that, Jamie. I don’t see a boy knocking down blocks as mean, maybe not very thoughtful, but not mean. Just because another person thinks a child is being mean doesn’t mean they are and parents shouldn’t cave to it. Only when you have all the information can you decide as a patent. There are three sides to every story, both sides and the truth. I do not believe the phrase “boys will be boys” should be used to excuse bad behavior but there is normal boy behavior that is rambunctious but not bad or mean. People are trying to label normal boy behavior as one disorder after another. Most boys don’t just sit still with their hands folded in their lap, they’re active little boys. We are raising men, not little boys. We are their guide and their advocate. But I will not be bullied by another patent when my child is not doing anything wrong. I am not talking about the original article but to the patent of the girl who was stacking blocks.
Thank you for commenting, Jamie. I can hear the frustration in your writing–and rightfully so. You are obviously a conscientious mother who is doing her best to raise a GREAT kid. Accepting the apology and extending forgiveness is a vital part of this scenario. In my very limited experience as a mom to boys and girls, I have not found “all boys to be mean.” In fact, I would say, we’ve encountered way more mean girls than mean boys.
Maybe I’m reading too much into this other mom’s reaction, but it sounds like she has had a lifetime of being mistreated by boys/men. Maybe to her, all boys HAVE been mean and she feels the need to protect her daughter from abusive boys/men. I don’t know.
But I agree, we need to remember that our kid could be the “mean kid” tomorrow, despite our best efforts.
Just yesterday, my son came home from school telling me about a boy who said he was “the worst player on the basketball team.” In response, my son insulted him back. I instructed my son to call him and apologize for his mean retort. I told him, “even when someone is mean to you, YOU do the right thing.You never insult him.” And then I sent a text to him mom (a friend of mine) and told her that I instructed my son to apologize to her son. I wanted her to know I was on it and I would not tolerate my kid being mean to anyone.
We can’t control our kids. We can’t control other kids. We can’t control other kids’ parents. The best we can do is equip our kids in each of these situations. And it sounds like you did that.
Yesterday my grandson was telling me about a bullie/ mean kid who grabs him and flips him over the desk at school. I told him the next time someone touches you and pushes you, kick him in the balls. He said what about a girl, I said if she is hitting you or hurting you physically, hit her in the boobs. He said but your not suppose to hit a girl. I said that’s true, but sometimes you have to defend yourself. Today I just read this story and I think I’ve learned a few things. I hope you enjoy and teach your children better than what I told my grandson to do. (that mama/grandma bear came out in me and I wanted to punch that kid in the face) so when talking to my grandson the anger came out in defense of wanting to protect my grandson. Thank you for teaching this old woman a few things.
Thank you for writing this. I am a mom that has no problem stepping in when a child is bullying or doing something inappropriate on any level (my child or anyone else’s). With that being said, I have a son that is prone to be a bully. He is very strong willed and easily influenced by his friends. In particular his best friend since he was 1 yr old (he is now 5 and she is now 6). We became neighbors when their daughter was 2 and my son was one (we live in a condo building and live across the hall from each other). Anyway, she has ruled the roost since she was young and is very disrespectful to her parents and others and it’s been frustrating and disheartening. I have chosen to continue to be in their lives and her life in particular in hopes of being a witness to them. All this to say that I appreciate you sharing the talk you had with your son the morning after. Not only is it a good model for parents of children who are bullied, but for parents of children who have the potential to bully as well.
Thank you
Thank you for this, I learned by reading it. From a mom with a VERY SENSITIVE and sweet boy. I really appreciate the insight of a mom with older kids. Thank you again!
Yuki
So beautifully taught to your child and shared with us. If only there were more moms like you. Thank you for raising a child in love.
My 5 children were all bullied at some time. My second son was bullied by a teacher in both first and second grades. The same teacher. The other kids picked up on it and a group went after him full speed ahead. It was so bad that one boy was expelled from school. My son was small but very strong. In high school it continued. Also I found out in sixth grade his male teacher Ether sexually abused him or tried to. I did not notice that he started to self medicate by taking drugs and drinking. It was a nightmare. He stopped when he was 29. We thought everything was ok. He got married and they had a child. He called one night and told me he was drinking again and the bottom fell out of my world. It got worse and when he was 47 he lost the battle, his daughter was 11. It started on his first day of school with the teacher, then the boys, sexual abuse by a teacher and back to the kids and then to a wife who mocked him for being short. He was 5 ft, 6 in. He never caught a break. He was not a wimp but being bullied really destroyed him. A whole life destroyed and his daughter has no father.
How devastating, Arlene, I am so very sorry for your loss and for all your son went through. He had a lot to deal with starting out so vulnerable at such a young age, and he fought every day to do that for so long. What a valiant soul to struggle against so much! It is mind boggling to realize how far reaching an influence we each can have on others, for good or evil. I hope he has finally found peace and that his daughter will too here and now.
I’m sharing this with ALL my readers! This is a MUST read to every child!
My daughter has had to come to the aid of a new kid who was being beaten up by their classmates. A. it saddened me that the kids were acting this way and B. I had a long talk with my daughter of HOW proud I was of her for sticking up for what is right. The look on her face when I told her what a GREAT thing she had done was one of my proudest mom moments.
kids really NEED to know they are doing the right thing and we adults ADMIRE them for doing so! Thanks for a great article!
Are you going to be there to call out the mean coworker when your child is grown? No. Being a supportive ear and letting the child talk through how they should deal with the problem will give them the tools they can actually use in life. Solving problems for kids is not actually having their back, but being a supportive ear so they can figure out how to solve their own problems is. I would be horrified if my mom had done what you did when I was growing up. Luckily, she didn’t and now I know how to handle my own problems…
I totally agree.
Casey–no, of course not. My child is NOT grown. He is 12. I know my child very well and I could see he needed me to confront the bully this time. There have been times before then and since then I have handled it differently. And because there are so many Mean Kids in the world, I will have many more opportunities to help my son learn how to handle these situations on his own. It sounds like you had a good mom who knew you well and did what was best for you. Good for you. 🙂
P.S. Not sure if you read all the way down to the end, but I also lent a supportive ear AND helped him know what to do next time.
I wish someone would have augh me how to handle mean adults when I was in high school.
This article helped me so much. Thank you so much for this. My daughter is now 14 and has been dealing with mean kids for quite a few years, but because she is getting older i dont really know how to handle it. I noticed whenever i try to give her advice it kind of back fires on me and she tells me not to worry and that shes fine but in fact i know she is not. I am a christian mom and has raised her christian. she is a very good and sweet girl, almost to good and too sweet and too nice. Any suggestions on what i can do behind the scenes or undercover to help her deal with this one girl besides pray?
Your daughter sounds a lot like my daughter. My son allows me to speak into his life and often tells me exactly how he is doing and what is bothering him. My daughter is more private and protective about her feelings, and that makes it difficult to know how to help. One thing I do is keep an eye out for other adults (teachers, youth leaders, parents of her friends) who can keep an eye out for her. I have prayed for God to show me other adults who can speak into my children’s lives when I can’t. And then I talk to these other adults and tell them exactly what I need. “I am concerned about how this other student is treating my daughter and how it might be affecting her. Can you keep an eye out for her and let me know what you see?” Most loving adults are more than happy to be part of your village. And, of course, even though your daughter tells you she is fine, trust your gut. If you know she is not fine, do whatever your instinct tells you to protect her. And finally, be sure to always remind your daughter that she can talk to you about anything, any time. You never know when she might decide to open up to you. Good luck.
I would just add that I would thank the child for apologizing – it takes courage and humility, even if just a little bit. It also show kindness, compassion, and mercy. Love rather than fear. It is polite and sets a good example. Also thank the father for doing his part. Again, love. Even from a human point of view, you have just connected in a positive way with the child and father, thus setting the stage for better future interactions.
This post, and also some of the others’ responses were just what I needed tonight. I am waving the white flag here as I have approached the mean kids on my street and their parents and asked for kindness, which is met with eye rolling. (How adorable on a 46 year old woman! No.). My 7 year old son, once friend to these kids, is now the target of these idiots for quite a while now. Your post made me feel like I’m not alone and others know what it’s like to hurt for your kids, and to somehow feel guilty or responsible because maybe you were a quiet, easily targeted kid yourself.
I need for you to answer this today. Maria the bully is being mean. My son aroma is being nice staying with Maria if sad and leaving Maria when Maria needs to be alone. Yesterday he did that and Maria said why are you always with me and then said leave me aroma said I just want to be your friend then left Maria ditched aroma and he played with a nother person she does meaner stuff everyday what should I do? Answer quickly please I beg i need to know.
Great post Sandy…you did what a watchful coach should have done.
I didn’t read all of the posts, there are a lot and I suppose my comment is to the writer of this blogger, and not to the community. Please, reconsider your lessons to your readers. Any mom will tell you that their child is no saint, nor are we. Suppose it was your son who had a bad day, or for whatever reason lashed out at another child. They all do it. Remember? No one is perfect. Sometimes, that’s how they learn the behavior is wrong, from that icky feeling inside that moves them to apologize or make it up to the friend. How absolutely terrifying would it be in that moment an adult and a stranger was to aggressively correct or even approach them. It wasn’t your place, as the teacher points out, it was that you were a stranger, who only had your sons feelings in mind. That seems selfish to me. Instead, perhaps the teachable moment is to build strength if character and forgiveness. A bullys words, like Satan, only has power if you give it power. As parents we have to make our own way. And bully behavior sucks. But so does a lot of things, if you let it. Take pitty on the bully, turn your cheek, and for gosh sakes please don’t go around speaking to kids you don’t know. I can’t imagine how I’d react if I saw you speaking to my child that way, and it wouldn’t matter what she did. It would be inappropriate. And I bet my 4year old would tell you so. Just tell your son that the bully wasn’t being nice, and congratulations on hustling on the court! It was great to see him help the team by cheering others on.
Michelle,
Thank you for your thoughts. I will be the first one to tell you my kids are not perfect. And if you read any of my other posts, you will see that I use myself as an illustration all the time as how NOT to conduct yourself. I am far from perfect–I am more flawed that you, I’m sure. The lesson here was not to “aggressively” approach other people’s children. It was the talk I gave my son at the end of the post. The rest of the post was just a description of what happened. I don’t necessarily recommend handling it that way. But I don’t regret it either. My son needed an advocate that day, and I’m glad I was there to defend him. I’m thankful I know my children well enough to know when it’s time to step in. This was one of those times.
Blessings to you and your children. 🙂
Thank you so very much. My daughter encounters issues in middle school all the time and handles them well. Recently my son who is 7 and generally a sweet, easy going kid had a few encounters at a summer camp with a kid he goes to school with. This “mean kid” is so sneaky and nasty. He is the type of kid who is smart and polite to the teachers and is patient enough to wait until the teachers or coaches are distracted and he pounces on kids. This is the first time my son has been on the receiving end. I mentioned this to the coach and I got, {“Oh Luke?… huh that is strange, he is so polite and from a great family. Where we live apparently if you live in the right neighborhood then there is no way your child could ever be at fault for anything….ever!
I really wish that this kid would just get in trouble already. I know he is a child, but so is my son. He would never treat another kid that way (I know this because he said “Mom how can he feel good about himself when he is making other people feel bad?”) Also how does this nasty kid have so many friends? This is a trend that is so disturbing. I see it everyday, these nasty, arrogant children are surrounded by loyal followers and the kids who are genuinely nice and attempt to be respectful are the ones who are eagerly searching for friends and always seem to have a smaller amount of friends. I have no idea how to answer my kids when they ask me about this. The truth is that unfortunately, in our world today being mean equals lots of friends and popularity. My heart is so sad for the kids today.
This is amazing, I found this on Pinterest and, just, wow. This is so well written. My boys are young, but I will keep this bookmarked because these words are wisdom. Thank you!
Thank you, Sarah!
Dear sandy,
It’s almost 5 am in the morning, can’t sleep(ton of garbage on my mind), and decided to search out some things to see if I can read myself to sleep. Not at all implying your blog I ran across is boring, on the contrary was nice to read….Obviously,… I’m commenting.
Remember all the ladies on here, dads have to deal with this stuff on a seriously more sensitive level than moms usually. I’m a man, 5’11”,200lbs of muscle and brawn, therefor constantly doing my best to remind myself that I can come off intimidating and even scary to most when disgruntled. Since my daughter started school a few years ago, I have had a few run ins with parents of other mean or bully type kids. The latest just last year in my daughters Girl Scouts troop there was a mom of a girl who I come to find out was mean to my daughter a year prior during a class function, and since then has obviously taught her daughter to be mean to my little bear, for no other reason other than the mom is just a punk. My daughter has been taught by me to be kind to others, be helpful, caring and compassionate, and she is.
When this girls mom started acting like a punk towards me, it affected my daughters GS experience, because this trog was in good with the troop leader and made every event and function as difficult as she could for me, deliberately making efforts to exclude me from things etc. granted its hard enough to be the only dad involved in this hen house of hell, but I kept my cool and did my best to stay as humble as I could throughout this unsolicited treatment.
It ate at me, I’m not a practicing church goer like I’m guessing most of you are, so I just spoke with my little bear about bullying and how to ignore it when this girl and her friends purposefully excluded my daughter from their little group every troop meeting and excursion.
I’m pretty much a single dad, although her mom and I are still married, mom is just not the type to make any effort for stuff like this with either of our little ones, nor her older son who also lives with us, it’s just my burden to bear. Yes I do try to talk to her and explain all the things you all are thing ing right now,…. Falls on deaf ears that are preoccupied with herself.
So since I have been an anti bully advocate since I can remember, I was actually approached by her kinder teacher to read for a project called cornerstone. I read approved books and protocol from the movement called cornerstone, and it simply enforces and teaches the students about being a part of anti bullying mentality. Needless to say, I love the time with the kids, it’s an honor to be so welcomed and accepted by all their pure minds, and to be allowed to be a positive role model in all their lives.
Before I got married and had my two gifts of love, I was a single guy who decided to get involved as a mentor, and within a month of doing that, I was approached to run an entire after school program. So I asked to cut my hours as a carpenter, my boss thought I was crazy, but I volunteered m w f at the school from noon to whenever the last parent picked up the last kids, sometimes I even had to drive one or two home,…yes I know , as a man, that was nerve racking, but I didn’t care, I would never leave a child in need, ever. Sue me I don’t care. Nothing like that ever happened, in fact I got praised by almost all the parents, especially the men who thanked me for keeping their boys in line at school,lol. Oh, it was K-8 graders in a low income school district, in fact many were immigrants from Mexico and spoke only Spanish.
Sorry if I’m babbling, it is five am in the morning after no sleep, my battery warning is even on now.
I just wanted to chime in and say I appreciate what you have written, and what you did was not only proper, but the right thing to do, I wish my wife, their mother, was more like that, but it’s all on my shoulders, thank god 30 years of training has made my shoulders wide enough to carry it.
I quick story that made me aware of my attitude towards bullying. When I was in 7th grade, and bussed to a jr high school quite far from my house, there was a husky kid, mike leach, never forget that bully. He was picking on, pushing down, insulting, and just plain bullying a boy named Todd, and he was relentless. All the students were in line, it was the beginning of the year, when the bullies make their presence known to establish their dominance and ignorance, and I just happen to be in the line this punk and Todd had chosen, thank god.
I got out of line, walked all the way to the back where this comotion was going on, and told the punk to leave the kid alone. Now I was just an average little jock kid, nothing physically big at all, just a solid build from sports and just being an outdoor kid who played a lot. This bully said ” what are you going to do about it #*%€¥”, and I just reacted and shoved him to the ground quick and fast and saying as I did it, “I’m you’re worst nightmare”-lol yeah I know, got it from a movie line I think. Anyway, I kept pushing him down everytime he tried to get up, and kept asking him how did he like it!? Then the bell rang, I heard a teacher was on their way over, so I told him quickly, if you even touch this guy again, and I find out, I’m coming after you and I will not be nice about it like I was this time.
I went to my new class and had no idea I had made a life long friend. He showed up the nest day with what seemed to be an endless supply of candy, and just kept bringing me sweets every day, needless to say, to this day, I have a relentless sweet tooth, THANKS ALOT TODD!!! Lol. He lives far, but we keep in touch the best we can. He has a family of his own, and need his first child Thomas, after me. It’s almost 6 am now, thanks for enduring my insomnia rant, I have two children and an eighteen yr old to watch over in about two hours with no sleep. Grrrrrr.
My best to all the parents who show they care and understand the responsibility and honor fit is to be a true parent
Thomas
I have around 15 nephews and nieces and this is perfect for every one of them. I always have told them that the best way to deal with bullies is to either talk to the teacher, or to just walk away. Bullies just want to get a rouse out of you. If you aren’t there, they can’t.
Hi Sandy,
I have never read your blog before but I came across it today when I did a web search for what to do when your kid is getting picked on. I think your perspective and what you did in your child’s situation was awesome. I have a 13 year old daughter who was on her school cheer leading squad last year in 7th grade. Most (all but one) of the 8th grade girls on the team were pretty snooty and rude to her on a regular basis. As textbook as it sounds, these girls were all the “popular” girls: very pretty, smart, cool- they had a gaggle of guy friends that would come to all of the games, all of their boyfriends were the star players on the teams. I mean, it really was as cliche as you could make it. My daughter is not one of those “popular girls”, she’s pretty and smart, but she can be emotionally immature at times, doesn’t put as much effort into her appearance as these girls do (she she looks put together but not all dolled up), and doesn’t seem to have the social where-with-all sometimes. These girls looked like they were 15 or 16 and acted as such. My daughter looks like she’s 13 but acts like she’s 11. As the parent you could see it happening, the exclusion from their circle in between cheers and not being invited to after-game dinners, the eye-rolling when it was her turn to start a cheer. Their mean-ness wasn’t as blatant as name calling or mocking, so it’s harder to handle. Complaining about not getting invited to things makes it awkward for everyone- she didn’t want to have to hang out with girls who didn’t want her there, she just wanted to be wanted. It wasn’t real bullying but it still did considerable damage. It was, as you said, more subtle. As the parent you want your kid to be themselves, frizzy hair and all. At the same time, trying to coach your child into having emotional and social maturity isn’t as easy- these sorts of things come with time and everyone is different when it comes to that, some mature faster than others. Apparently she’s a late bloomer. It broke my heart to see her so deflated. She’s a great cheerleader, can do all sorts of tumbling and stunts. Out of 4 spots available for 7th grade girls, she made the cut out of 40 girls trying out so her skills are definitely worthy. She really enjoys it but they took a lot of the fun out of it and they deeply hurt her feelings. She felt like she didn’t belong and that wasn’t right. Like you, Sandy, I encouraged her to try out in hopes she would make friends (because she doesn’t have many) but at the end of the season she left feeling like “everyone hated her”. Now, I can’t say what happened behind closed doors, in the locker room, or during practices. I don’t know if my daughter said or did something to upset/annoy one or more of the “queen bees” of the squad or what (See emotional and social immaturity above, but she honestly couldn’t think of anything that would make them dislike her so much). I recalled my own experiences in middle school dealing with “mean girls”- I was picked on relentlessly at one point during 8th grade by a group of particularly vicious girls because I wasn’t cool/pretty/smart/fun or whatever else they thought I wasn’t. I was a bit of an ugly duckling, wasn’t an athlete or particularly brainy. I was just an average kid. But still, I didn’t deserve it. That was 20 years ago and I still remember how much it hurt- it affected me so much that I still struggle with self-esteem and insecurity issues!! Now my daughter is dealing with it and it’s like I’m reliving it vicariously through her all over again. I feel helpless because there wasn’t anything I could do about my situation then and there isn’t anything I can do about hers now. I worry that it will take a very negative toll on her like it did to me. Talking to the coach or the other girls’ parents wouldn’t have done any good because my perspective of these girls’ behavior is so subjective. The more likely situation is their parents would get defensive. What could the parents do anyway? Tell their daughters to stop being bratty to my kid when all of them are super close friends and my daughter is not friends with any of them? They’d all turn around and talk badly about her and dislike her more so. And those girls’ moms would do the same to me because they were all a clique (mean girls all grown up). There isn’t a true socially acceptable way to approach a bunch of mean teenage girls without them alienating of your child even more because then it’s almost like she’s a tattle-tale or being whiny. So while I continue to tell my daughter to enjoy herself, not to let other people control how she feels about something (like cheerleading), and believe in herself, (because sometimes people are just terrible human beings), it doesn’t kill her self-esteem any less. She’s going out for the cheer squad again this year (8th grade) and while she’ll be one of the older girls on the team, there are some girls in her grade that had bonded with those mean 8th grade girls from last year and they are just as mean to her as those former girls were- it’s the new wave of the “popular” girls. It’s unfortunate and it really breaks my heart. I made it a point to tell her the same thing you said to your son- should she make the squad again this year, under no circumstances should she treat the few 7th grade girls the way those 8th grade girls treated her last year. Treat everyone with respect, be kind, patient, and nice to everyone- even the mean girls that will likely make the team and might be rude to you again. I hope she reflects back on her middle school cheerleading with positive memories rather than negative and hurtful ones and I REALLY hope she comes through this whole ordeal unscathed.
Hi, Amanda! I applaud you as a Mom. this piece was so very well written and articulated perfectly! You hit the nail on the head regarding several points and I just want to let you know that I will pray for you and your daughter to find strength and courage to overcome the “mean girls of the world”. Kindness begets kindness (except in mean girls) and it does NOT go unnoticed with others. In the end, only kindness matters and also in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you give. I am a firm believer that in what you put out in this wrold totally comes back to you and I know in my heart that those mean girls will get exactly what they give out whether you or your daughter is around to see it happen or not. It’s strictly the law of the universe! God Bless you and keep holding your head high, you are an AWESOME Mom who is doing and saying all the right things. Your daughter is so lucky to have you for a Mom rather than a “mean girl mommy”!
Amanda, I sit here reading your post and I KNOW EXACTLY what you are going through.( I Googled too.) My daughter is going through the same thing. The nasty treatment started in the 2nd grade because she had a stutter. While we did get her help and a year later she has not stuttering at all, the nasty little brat that tormented her did such a number on her that I pulled her from the school and homeschooled her the following year. I did go to the school before that and talked to the teachers and the assistant principal (the Principal herself was far to busy to be troubled) and they did nothing to help. The VP solution was to have them work together…yeah my daughter came home with candy in her hair and crying her eyes out. When I insisted they have the child and her parents come in for a meeting they refused. I told them that I know the child’s name and in my line of work I can find them easily and legally so they may want to moderate- they still refused. (my husband talked me out of finding the parents because I was too angry and I may have made a bad judgment call – He was right.)instead I took the high road and filed an official complaint with the school board instead. That yielded no results so we called on the help of our educator friends and home schooled her the following year. She loved it but we knew she needed to learn to deal with these situations and horrible people. We moved across the country in hopes that “The best school district” in our state would be better. For the first 6 months it was. (By the way we recognized that our daughter was a bit more immature than the kids in her grade so we had her repeat the 3rd grade. Because of her birthday she actually started school a little early.) THEN near the end of the year two of the queen bee’s decided they didn’t like her and that was that. They would tell other kids not to play with her and they listened. We figured it was just a squabble and the next year would be fine. That was not the case. Now she is in a class with 20 boys and 5 girls, including the queen bees. She said she has no one to sit with and the kids are all mean to her. I asked the school to move her class- they said they wanted to investigate and talk to my daughter first. I agreed but two days later it was the same thing. I am trying to work on social cues and social skills but honestly I want to thump those little brats in the forehead too. I go to all school functions and I have seen their parents and how they interact with their girls and if you teach your kid to think they are a princess and better that everyone else they will believe it. One queen bee’s parents went through a divorce and are fighting for her affection the other one’s dad literally calls her his only princess in front of their other kids. So I see where it is coming from but it does not give them a free pass to exclude my daughter from everything. She feels like the whole class hates her. It breaks my heart to see her tears at such a young age. I know Jr. High will only be worse. I am at my wits end. I’m tempted to changing schools or home school again but I also want her to learn to deal with people and situations like this. It wasn’t until the 8th grade when I finally stuck up for myself and created a “don’t mess with her” persona as a shell to keep people from hurting me. Like you Amanda, I feel like I’m reliving it for her and it kills me. Best of luck to you and your daughter. You are not alone.
So… I’m thinking that this article is good but it is oversimplified. Kids aren’t “mean kids”. Kids are kids and they are all different. They handle pain, rejection, poverty, loss, abuse, (whatever) all differently. I wish there were two groups: mean kids vs nice kids OR mean adults vs nice adults but the reality is that all people have good and negative traits within their personality. I believe that we need to empower our children to stick up for themselves and those who are marginalized or bullied but not to do so in a way that makes them the Bully. Whenever an adult gets in a child’s face they become the bully in my opinion. The oh so funny (sorta) was not funny to me. Speaking with the bully’s coach or parent is a better solution I believe.With all due respect Jesus’ persecutors were the “good” guys of his time- the religious elite but they were misinformed. Jesus- from the cross as he was breathing his last dying breath said, “Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.” I get momma bear. How would you feel if another mother got in your child’s face?
You are right, Elizabeth. It is oversimplified. It’s just a blog post. It really wasn’t meant to be anything more than a recap of what happened in a snippet of our lives. As far as how I would feel if another mother got in my child’s face? Well, I honestly, I would hope to God that if my child was taunting another child SOMEONE would get in his face…especially if I wasn’t there to see it or correct it. So, I think I’d be good. 🙂 Thanks for you input.
What do you think your son learned? (I have a problem with someone and my mom fixes for me.)
Maybe. But I hope that since it was the one and only time in 13 years of his life that I’ve ever done that, he learned something different. Namely, that if he is ever in a place where he feels overwhelmed or worthless, he’s got family who will defend him and encourage him–he is a child, after all. That confronting a bully is brave and often leads to resolution (as it did here). That he should never, ever form his identity by what other kids say to him or about him, but by what Jesus says about him. And finally, that he will never, ever, ever be the mean kid, but instead RESCUE the one who feels tormented and helpless.
I’m pretty sure that is what he learned, as we have had numerous times to discuss this topic since the incident took place in January.
Thankfully, parenting isn’t a one-day gig. Or we’d all end up with terribly dysfunctional kids, right? 🙂
Have a great night and thanks for your input.
“Love your enemies. Do good to those who hurt you.” I still think that parent to kid contact in the heat of the moment is you being a bully yourself. As is calling kids who have a mean moment- a mean kid. People are not that simplistic. It would be great if they were!
Elizabeth,
Are you a parent? If so, by any chance is your child a bully?
I really liked this article. Bullying is a very real problem. But I think we throw that word around way too often. Just because little Johnny said he didn’t want to play with your kid today does not make him a bully. And when we label things “bullying” when they are not, we trivialize real cases of bullying. It seems to me so many parents want to jump in and fix every problem their kid ever has. This doesn’t allow the child to learn how to problem solve.
But this mom appropriately and respectfully approached the child AFTER her son had already appropriately and respectfully addressed the problem and it didn’t work! Good for her for letting her child know she has his back. But GREAT for her for following up with her child and in a Godly way explaining that there are mean people, how to handle them, and for teaching him not to be the mean kid!
I don’t know how I ended up on this website, but I’m finding myself truly happy that I stumbled across it. What good stuff!
I’m happy you stumbled across it, too. 🙂
To all the people saying that she should not have intervened:
Clearly you were never bullied. Turning a blind eye is never the answer. Small things escalate and turn into big things!! And even small things are a form of bullying! You have to nip it while they are small. Bullying comes in many various forms. I have personal experience with this. It happend to myself and my son. I vow to always stand up for my son. I never really told my parents most of it bc I grew up thinking I could take care of it myself since the teachers never intervened and neither did my parents when i told them about the small stuff. Then things escalated. I applaud you for sticking up for your son. I just had a really serious incident occur to my son and I ended up talking to the other child and parent. We all cried together and prayed together. I told the child that my son needed him as his friend and I know he was exactly the friend my son needs. But that he doesnt need him saying or doing truly hurtful things to him and that I wont tolerate it and neither will his mom. The next time we saw him the situation was NIGHT AND DAY!!! I had taken steps to intervene up to that point and things did a complete 180.
Always stand up for your kids. Always correct them when their wrong. Always encourage them to be the nice kid and example to others.
It’s not just the kids. I am the mother of a 16 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. It makes me furious at some of the mean things kids come up with but not shocked. Look at how some of them are raised. It’s all they know. But I am very surprised at the people who call themselves teachers and say and treat our children the way they do. My son was over weight and made fun of most his life and when he finally begins to feel better about himself he comes in contact with some of the most hateful arrogant teachers who have done nothing but tear every bit of progress he’s made into pieces. Then at that age they dont want you to say anything because they are afraid it will only make it harder on them. And they lecture our children about bullying?!
Melissa,
I read all the blogs on and on and could hardly stop reading. Your blog brought back sad memories, and it was as if it was me writing your blog. As a retired classroom teacher I encountered the bullies, the kids with learning disabilities, the kids that looked different, the kids that stuttered, the kids whose parents were going through a divorce, the kids who were hungry, the kids who had not had a bath for days or weeks, the kids who were physically or sexually abused, the kids who were way above grade level with other kids being jealous of them, the kids who no one liked for seemingly no reason, the kids that everyone looked up to, the kids that took over on the playground and were allowed by other kids to decide what games would be played and I could go on and on. As a teacher, I met parents with many of the same concerns that were discussed in all these blogs. I was an overweight child and so was one of my children. I totally understand how it feels to be made fun of and to have a child that was made fun of for being overweight. What is so sad is that bullying has been going on as long as I can remember-In1948 I was 4 years old and attended school with my mom-who was teaching in a one-room school house-grades 1-8 in the Great Smoky Mountains. I honestly remember at that age kids were being bullied, and I saw the hurt and could really see the fear these bullies brought upon these kids. I will be honest and say my mom taught during the “paddling” days so the bullies soon stopped. I wasn’t bullied until I was a teenager, and it made me feel like something was wrong with me. I never told my parents. Now, bullying online (cyberbullying) takes bullying to a new level and it is so VERY painful to the victim of the online bully-After 30 years of teaching elementary and middle school, I worked for 17 more years as a teacher trainer over 88 schools K-12 teaching online classes on Internet Safety to teachers with a focus on bullying-cyberbullying. Online bullying includes so many things: sending hateful messages, getting groups to join in and write hateful messages, children being threatened, lies being spread all over the world about a child, nasty remarks being made on social networks, or many cyberbullies create websites just to bash the looks or reputation of our children. Adult intervention at home and at school seemed to me to help kids get through these assaults! During my teaching years, I always took those kids being bullied under my wing so to speak and gave them important jobs in the classroom. I always asked the bully and the victim of the bully to write a few sentences about what happened, why it happened and how it made them feel. I didn’t read them in front of their classmates except to the bully and the victim of the bully. I did meet with their parents but did not accuse or place blame-just read to the parents what the children had written and asked for their help. I am a really big advocate of the kids being bullied and as you know the bully can be anyone. I know I am writing too much. I am a widow and living alone makes me very chatty when I do talk. From my experiences most parents can’t see that their child is a bully or they just don’t want to admit it. I found getting them in the classroom sometimes opened their eyes. I hope you don’t think I was lecturing-this is a topic close to my heart.
Marlene
Amazing post Marlene. Please share more wisdom when you have time. I am soaking it all in! Thank you!!
re mean kids – kuddos to you for stepping in without losing your temper or threatening the mean kid.
And kudos also for taking advantage of a teachable moment with your son. I bet he never forgets either.
way to go, mom!
Um, I’m not trying to start a war but when did a little teasing become “bullying?’ I think our society has become so sensitive to everything that kids are not aloud to be kids and the word bullying is just being thrown around. With that being said I am not condoning behavior that is just rude and insensitive like this, in my opinion, but come on bullying? Why not say to the parent, your son continued to tease my son after he repeatedly asked him to stop. Then if there was a 2nd or 3rd incident, then say something to the kid. This may have been a 1 time thing and to label this child a bully is just wrong! As a parent of 3 I have def. had times when my child’s actions have been cringe worthy, but jumping to the conclusion that he is a bully or something is going on at home is wrong. If I had been in that situation and my child was teasing and another parent jumped in and corrected him before I had the chance to, I would be pissed!
Sorry to be the one to tell you that you didn’t read the article properly. But the word “bully” was not mentioned here. He was called “mean kid”and he WAS being EXACTLY that–a mean kid! And as a parent, I would NEVER brush off “a little teasing” and call that acceptable. Ever. Period.
Beautifully written, just what I have always tried to teach my kids!
You got lucky. I am afraid that in the sports world that kind of “mean kid talk” is accepted. I am not saying I agree. But unfortunately, there are a lot of parents who look the other way when kids act this way on the field, court, etc. I also have seen parents “smack talk” even worse than the kids. So, I’m glad that kid showed you some respect and the parent seemed to back you up. I think those of us who think respect is important are a dying breed.
Thank you. Simply…thank you. Now I know what to say to my daughter.
I read this and thought of all my grandchildren and how different they all are. I have some I know that I would never have to worry about but then some that I would . I am like you: I would have approached them up front but with your grandchildren, you are not with them all the time. I have always taught them to not pick on anyone and to stand up for themselves if they are picked on. To be a tattletale is not a shame and to also stand up for their friends. I have had to call the school about a child picking on my grandchild I was raising but thank goodness the principal was totally against bullying, I pray for the children at school because it was hard for me…..there was a bully in my school but I let her know what I would do for her…..she was little, but mean. I don’t think she ever changed and sometimes I think the little ones are the worst kind. But I learned so much from your comment and it is something that goes on and on. There are grown bullies too. Church is the best place for a child where they learn to see goodness in people and if all children had been raised like this, it would be a different world. That is why it is so important to have Christ in school. I think it has been too long and why don’t we get Him back in. Is it impossible? Why as a Christian nation are we not doing anything about it. It is soo important. Christian people we have to stand up for God and his righteousness. Count me in!!
Awesome Article- I agree 100%% with how you handled this
Wonderful way to handle the situation!!!! Absolutely wonderful! One thing I learned from my now adult son was keeping home the safe place is the right thing to do. It’s not always popular, kids want to drink or do whatever and it was never allowed in my home because I stressed to him, home should be safe and those things are not safe. He said he did some things I wouldn’t have approved of in his later teens, however always knew no matter how stupid, he would be safe at home and that made the difference in trying something stupid and ruining his life. Keep up the great work and always follow your heart, which is right with your child as it should be!
“Say it loud enough for Coach to hear you. Shining light on darkness makes darkness go away.” YES!!! Shining light exposes the darkness for what it is…dark. It creates the separation between right and wrong. It gives opportunity for change. Saying nothing is like silent agreement which is prevalent in our culture with so many issues.
I was so very blessed by this post and grateful to learn from the wisdom of a mom that has “gone before me” as my little ones are only 2 and 4. I would like to add though, that I think it’s important as parents not to model an example of meanness. Even though mine are young I have sought to encourage my husband that when he is playing and “rough housing” if they say “please stop now” that they really want to be done. When one of my kids is teasing the other we don’t laugh, too, we say “if she is not laughing it’s not funny, it’s hurtful.” Modeling at home is another great way for kids to decipher when it stops being “fun” and starts being “mean-spirited” and I don’t feel parents are exempt from those rules otherwise it just communicates that “if you’re bigger you can still do what you want”.
I’m 32 now and have two small children 7 months and 5. Many parents do things differently. If you want to know from a bullied child’s prospective here I am. School was horrible for me in every grade until high school. I was bullied by girls and boys. I don’t understand why this happened maybe because I was too nice or too quiet. More boys did the bullying then girls. In kindegarten I was pushed to the ground with a little boy on top of me licking my face trying to feel me up. Sick for kindergarten right? It didn’t stop there. I would get cornered in hallways and after school. If that’s not bad enough I also got picked on by a few teachers as well making a mocary of me in 7th grade yelling at me in front of my whole class and them laughing because I couldn’t see a spot on a map. Made me stand in front of the class sobbing while everyone laughed. I needed glasses but couldn’t efford them. Girls in junior high wrote bad things on walls about other mean girls and said I did it. I guess I was a easy target. They called me names spread rummors that wornt true. Even put huge wads of gum in my hair and I had to cut all my hair off. To all you parents out there that say be the nice kid. I was a nice kid I stood up for other kids getting picked on however all it did was make me a target. I remember a little boy in the 5th grade slapping me so hard he knocked me to the ground. I’m not saying every situation is a fight back situation but it didn’t end until my parents told me to fight back. When teachers do nothing because they have favorite kids and believe them over the one being bullied you bet I would teach my child to defend themselves but also teach them there is a right time and wrong time to do so. My daughter is a loving child who loves to help other kids. She takes up for them but I have always told her that if it comes down to it and someone is causing her physical harm then to take action. This world is a brutal place wether we like it or not. And there are both adults and kids that will do harm. We stand up for things that are right in my house and I will never get on to her in that kind of situation. Her fist are only to be used in dier situations where there is no other option.
I am so sorry for the way you were bullied. It breaks my heart. I’m proud of you for fighting back.
Thank you for your comoment I never promote violence with my children however in today’s world us as parents and adults can’t always be there to save our children. I teach them to protect themselves but also when the right time to do that is.. I feel that if a child is assertive with bullies and speaks out loud and not afraid to confront and let it be know the less it will happen. A parent can teach their children both points and still be a fair and active parent.
I. LOVE. THIS!!!! Thank you thank you:) As a kid who was chubby and not ‘popular’ in a small private school I wish my parents would have had the insight to build me up from home and equip me! I had a great home life but some of the things you told him could change his life.. For ever. I will try to remember these if it is an issue for us in a few years:) my daughter is not quite 1 year and already if someone hits her she just gets real still like she’s not sure why they would do that! Lol.. Thanks again and God bless you!
PS I love that an article about mean kids brings out mean adults that u have to correct as well.. Haha some people never grow up
Oh how I desperately needed to read this today! I’ve heard my 3 year old (MY 3 YEAR OLD!!!) say twice, maybe three times in the last week or so, “so-&-so” being mean to me.” or “so-&-so did this or that”. While I know it’s a part of the age and learning, I also so needed this! I needed this little, amazing reminder that simply states to teach children no matter how little they are, to be like Jesus in every area, to be THAT kid in a world that so often tells them otherwise. So Thank You for speaking directly to this Mama’s heart. 🙂
Yes you stick up for your child!!! You go to the parent and their child and you tell them you’re not going to put up with the bullying. You also go to their teachers and principal. If nothing works, you go to the priest then the arch bishop. There’s zero tolerance. That means someone has to take care of it. It is your child. You are the one who loves your child. They don’t. You will do everything in your power to put an end to it!!!!!!!
What if the bully’s an adult? There’s a woman at church who seems to hate me because I simply exist, and will only speak to me when she wants to attack my parenting skills or my son. My family doesn’t have a lot of money, so we can’t afford to go get him $16+ haircuts every few weeks. His hair is thick and hard to cut. He doesn’t have a bowl cut, but his haircut resembles one. His father and I do the best we can with his hair. He is a sweet, smart, loving child and only six years old. She had me fooled-I thought she was being friendly once when “complimenting” him and asking who cut his hair-I said I had his father do it this last time because I can’t cut hair. She got a smirk on her face and said, “Well, I HATE to say it, BUT NEITHER CAN C (my husband)!!!” The next Sunday, she threatened to “go JAG” on me if I “didn’t take care of” of my son properly. I asked her what she meant, and she said she can’t STAND seeing neglected children, especially those with “***tty haircuts.” I laughed nervously and she got in my face and said, “No, I’m SERIOUS. I can and WILL have him taken away because you don’t care how he looks, and that is neglectful.” So simply because of his haircut, I am neglectful in her eyes. I’m not military and neither is my husband, so her JAG threat just won’t cut it, but she still put fear in me because it seems like she would do something crazy. She ignores my other two kids but has said that she feels sorry for them. Don’t ask why because I don’t know. My son doesn’t seem to like her-he tries to stay away from her. She’s one of those women who will shoot daggers at you with her eyes and whisper behind your back-I overheard her one day telling someone about my son and his “atrocious” hair, pointing him out in a not-so-obvious way. I don’t know how much longer I can contain my rage which I DO have a right to feel. Would it be wrong, next time this happens, to state to her that it seems like SHE’S the only one who has a problem with my son’s hair, NOT God? Can I tell her that what probably only matters in God’s eyes is that ALL of my children are sheltered, educated, fed, are clean and have clean clothes/shoes and combed hair and can come to their parents for anything, so they ARE loved and NOT neglected? I would LOVE to say this in front of everyone, but don’t know if that’s the right approach. She IS the type of person who would completely lie about the situation, then my family would have a whole new set of problems, hence the witnesses to my response to her. I have suggested she cut my son’s hair since I can’t do it, and she said it wasn’t HER job to do it. Then why the attacks???
What you said to that mean child is perfect! Next time he thinks about picking on someone I hope he will just keep his mouth shut. I just hope that more adults would do the same as you! You go girl!!!
Sorry to comment on an old thread but I found a lot of wisdom here from you and many of the comments.
I went searching for some things to help my daughter (11) deal with some issues that had been going on at middle school. We’ve been encouraging her to handle things on her own but today when I asked her if she wanted me to get involved she finally told me that she did. I’m glad she did because I would have regardless of if she wanted me to or not.
A classmate and neighbor of ours had been increasing his teasing of my daughter over the past week. Today she came home and said that he told everyone that he had a video of her singing in the shower and that she was not a good singer. She argued that he didn’t and he said he got it from her younger brother. Younger bro was angry about the accusation too because he said no way he’d do that.
If it was any other child at school I would have been down there talking with the principle to clear this up but since we know the family well and the boy (who is a great kid too) and it seemed so out of character for him I figured it would be best to talk with his father, whom I know well. I would want the same if I was in his shoes. We had a nice conversation about it and I talked with his wife about it a few minutes later. They are good parents and were very surprised about this.
In talking with her I learned of a few more things that had been going on and I quickly felt like I was in quicksand up to my ears. Between some other comments that my daughter had made at school to him, some repeated texts, and a text that said she liked him (which was at the insistence of some of her other friends) I realized that she was not as lilly white in all of this as I’d have liked to believe. Granted it may not have reached the level where I as a parent would intervene but the comment about a shower video requires parent involvement. It’s just too big of an issue not to address.
Fortunately the boy was only teasing; no video exists. He wasn’t really thinking about the fact that a video of someone in the shower would also include nudity. It was more innocent than that although I, as the father of a daughter, didn’t see it that way when she told me earlier.
Long story short we all worked together to get everything cleared up and in the process we all learned a few lessons. We all know that words can hurt and misunderstandings can arise. Hey, it happens with us adults as well, right? Although from now on one of our new methods to address teasing like this or mean comments will be different from the way we handled it.
I’ll be encouraging my children to ask their tormentor first if they did something to make them mad. “Did I do something to hurt your feelings and is this why you are being mean to me?” I think that by asking this question our children may get better insight as to if they may have been responsible for someone else’s behavior toward them, justified or not. If the answer is, “Yes, you did ____ and it made me mad.” they can apologize and work through it on their own. Perhaps that happens or perhaps they are just a mean kid. Once they ask the question they can then choose to enlist a parents help or not.
Yep, I think I need to do this more too.
Thank You
Matt, Thanks for your comment and for sharing your experience. It’s a great idea for our kids to ask the “tormentor” if they did something to upset them.
Whenever my kids are fighting with each other, and one of them comes to me saying, “He was MEAN to me and called me ______” I always ask, “And what happened immediately before that? Did you say anything to upset her?” This helps them see that sometimes their behavior sometimes provokes others. Not always, but sometimes.
Thanks for the insight.
I didn’t read through all of the posts, but I, too, was a little dismayed by some of the comments left by some of the “educators.” I loved the post, and I thought it was great advice. As I only taught for two years before becoming a stay-at-home mom, and my children are both less than two, I realize I don’t have much experience. But as a teacher, I NEVER allowed bullying in my classroom. If I saw it on the playground, I stopped it. How it was stopped depended entirely on the situation and the students involved. I have seen what bullying can do to someone. Your mean words–while not seemingly so bad to you, or simply in “jest”–could be the words that push that student over the edge. Perhaps what you said was the hundredth mean thing they’d heard that day–you don’t know… I don’t think you should just assume the kids will work it out on their own. Some can. But there are many students lacking good parental guidance.
It takes a village. We’ve moved away from that, in fear that saying the wrong thing to the wrong kid could cost you–being sued, arrested, or having your own children taken for being a “bad” parent.
I love the talk you had with your son, Sandy. It was very encouraging. I hope my children never have to deal with being bullied. If they do, I have a good starting point with which I can arm them. I hope that they will know that I will be there for them–to at least help pick up the pieces and comfort them, if I wasn’t there for the actual incident. And I truly hope that they will never be that Mean Kid. But if they are, even just once in a weak moment, I hope that someone will stand up to my child, and then tell me about it, if I’m not there to see and stop it myself. As someone else had mentioned, I can’t address the issue if I don’t know about it.
Thank you, Sandy, for the story, how you dealt with it, and the words of encouragement.
Thank you, Andi!
As a mom to three kids ages 25, 13, and 7. I appreciate your post. Its funny as Ive lived all over the US and the only time its been “wrong” for and adult to correct someone elses child is where I live now which is NJ. In the south its very normal for a parents to step in where needed and fuss at any child that needs it and tell the parent they did it. So you get in trouble twice. Out on the West coast not quite the same but you could correct a mean kid you will normally not get attacked by the parent and they will appreciate you correcting the action. I’ve have seen so many entitled kids here (my area not all of NJ) and the parents really do have the philosophy “not my kid”. This happened just recently to my 13 year old daughter and rumors of drinking in the 8th grade. Im so over it. All kids can be bad, we really need to get back to basics and teach our kids to respect adults and teachers and take responsibility for their actions like the guy in the story did.
I like what you had to say to your son afterwords, but I think there are better ways to handle the problem. My niece had a problem with a mean girl in her 1st grade class. My sister talked to her teacher and got permission to come in a few times and do projects with the class. She made a point of including the mean girl, along with her daughter and other kids. The girl never bothered my niece again. My sister never had to say anything to the mean girl, embarrass her or possibly engender further ill-will. She respected my niece afterwords because she knew and respected my sister. You say the child who is picked on needs Jesus, and that is true. It is a much harder truth that the mean child needs Jesus JUST AS DESPERATELY. And we are called to love our enemies. That mean kid wanted attention. You taught your son to try not taking the bully’s action personally (that’s step one), but if there is something wrong with the other kid (which there is), the next logical step as a Christian is to teach your kid to then try addressing the other persons needs. Sure, they may not ‘deserve’ it, but who does? And generally, I find meeting people’s needs is the fastest way to fix a problem. A useful exercise might be to role play with your kid. For instance, your child could smile at the mean kid, laugh even, and say, ‘don’t be jealous; if you make a point I’ll praise you, too.’ Your son will be confident with you and can think up his own replies, and you can give him suggestions, too, on how to handle any negative feedback he receives socially, to turn the situation around and shine a light on that person’s needs instead. It will give him a chance to prepare for those type of situations. And buy your son a copy of ‘Enemy Pie’. Love that book.
This is very good I have a mean kid in my school that bullies me evry day I tell the teacher like 11 times a day and the principal and hr comes back being mean again I will use your advice to stop this child thank you
Hamza
Hamza,
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I pray it stops soon, before you get hurt. Keep telling the teachers, the principal and your parents…any adult who can do something to help you. Don’t give up. You do NOT have to suffer every day at school.
There is a mean kid in my school he is very dumb in class the hole class hates him because he is very mean when ever I am walking in school he pushes me I tell th principal and my teacher they do not anything his mom and dad are weird to because they stare at me like they are poor people I will use your advice that you have put thank you
Hamza
I just found your site on ‘mean kids’. I can’t believe all the comments you have. This happens so often and no one seems to do anything about it…unfortunately, including myself. My child was harrassed from private school throughout highschool. She was pretty, smart and very active in everything, but had very few friends. Each time she would tell me, she would say “please mom, don’t say anything, it will only make it worse” and so I didn’t…until middle school. I went to the principal, he did nothing and actually said “I can’t do anything about it, these kids have to take care of themselves”. Fortunately, we were very active in church and outside activities too. That helped. When she went to college, she told me she was the happiest she had ever been all her school years. She stands up for herself now. She was to shy and afraid to her other years. Prayers do help, but God’s time is different than ours. All I can think now is that God let her go through that knowing it would eventually strengthen her; and it did. I felt like a failure as a mother. It breaks my heart in pieces when I hear of a child being bullied as I know what my daughter went through. I was fortunate enough to have a daughter who would listen to what I said and a minister who would also listen and help me know what to say to her. Single moms have it very difficult, my heart goes out to them, especially with this problem.
Nancy, You did the best you knew to do at the time. You didn’t fail. She asked you not to say anything because she feared it could have gotten worse. Maybe it would have. You know your child best and it sounds like you are a fantastic mom. Carry on!
I have a 3rd grade daughter and a 4th grade daughter. One cries because her closest friend was mean to the other girls and she had to stand up to her friend. The other cries because her closest friend yelled at her on the bus and called her names. I’d like to believe I’m doing a good job of handling it. I listen. I pray with them. We talk about Godly ways to handle when people are mean to us and when people are mean to others. Ultimately, what we come to every time is Jesus. He defended the defenseless. He was ridiculed but did not sin. He spent a lot of time in prayer and he kept a small close circle of confidants. We ask God to help us forgive and to behave in a way that honors Him. I have not witnessed someone being mean to my child in front of me. But, the middle school teacher in me would most likely come out. I imagine I would use my teacher voice, teacher look, and all 5′ 6″ of my height to make it clear that behavior was unacceptable. Apparently, the combo of these 3 things is very impressive. When students report bullying to me (and they do because they know I’ll work to solve it), my first question is always, “did this happen in my classroom?” The answer is always, “No, M’am. No one would ever act that way in here. They know better.” LOL! Good for you, Sandy, for letting your child know that you will be there for them.
Great article!!! I taught both of my children, from a young age, that not everyone will like them. If someone doesn’t like them just walk away and act like you don’t care. The more you say to them the more ammunition you give them. My son was brilliant at not caring what people thought. Once in awhile it would hurt his feelings but he grew up with friends that he could count on. My daughter, she didn’t care but she did. It’s harder for girls. However, she was the one that would stick up for all the other kids that were being picked on. She did this from a very young age. She was on the bus and someone was picking on one of the other kids and she just stood up in the middle of the bus and told the mean kid to stop it! Stop being so mean! You’re not a nice person and God doesn’t like it when you’re ugly! If you want to be beautiful then you should be nice! She was 7 years old when she did that and I couldn’t have been more proud and there were many more proud moments like that.
My 8-year-old stepdaughter is dealing with bullies right now. This couldn’t be more timely and appropriate. Thank you.
Thank YOU SO MUCH! I just recently found out my daughter has had an issue with a girl at school. Since I have found this out my daughter has started to have social anxiety & panic attacks when she is unsure of herself. It’s been so painful to watch my beautiful, bright, sweet 5 year old crumble because “no one likes her”. So THANK YOU for speaking truth about what you feel as a HUMAN and how you deal with it in the SPIRIT. I needed this guidance for my own little one. I needed this wisdom for our own pow-wow cuddle sessions. Thank you. <3
I agree with what you said to your son; and I don’t encourage confrontations with kids but it is ok to call them out without attacking them. I don’t think you did… though agree, it was more gut reaction then thought out plan 🙂
all educators are first and foremost people – and therefore do not represent all educators. As a whole- I can see her point as to not wanting parents to go off on kids- you do not want that in a school, but that doesn’t mean that if you are at an event and a witness you wouldn’t respond. There are plenty of people that have the same opinion as to let kids learn to deal with it and not to confront. It is those same actions that are encouraging the continuation of such behavior, breed bullies, and are not what Christ would do. He stopped them from stoning a woman, even though it was the approved law, he rebuked his disciples when they stepped out of line, he criticized the Pharisees for their conduct ect ect.
All it take for evil to continue is for good men to do nothing. You did not attack the child, you asked him and gave him advice.
and the things you told your son…. beautiful.
Great article, I totally agree. I changed schools when I started 4th grade because of mean girls during 3rd grade. I cant stand a hateful kid. My son has a friend born without his right hand and it hasn’t slowed him down at all. At my son’s bday party another older chil made a comment and I politely said he was born that way, it doesn’t hurt and he can do all you can do and left it at that. Few minutes later I noticed same kid trying to get everyone to run away from “the monster” I walked over and looked him straight in the eye and said this is your last warning because I am about to go and talk to your mom about this and she won’t like it at all. I also explained again about how he was born that way, etc. We didnt have anymore problems for the rest of the party. The one mom thanked me and I asked the “mean kid” mom to talk a little more to her son about differently abled people because he has always been a sweetheart. There is nothing wrong with caling out a mean kid, I wish I would’ve had a friend to do that for me way back when
I just want to hug you. And your little guy. I have an 11 year old son who, just last night,came inside after going to the park to play basketball by himself. He is an introvert. He walked in looking discouraged and I immediately knew something was wrong. He goes on to tell me about these older kids who showed up and ask him to play but instead of a good ole basketball game it turned into a session of making fun of my boy. He is a good kid with a kind heart. I wanted to break down and cry because my heart hurt for him. I didn’t know what to say. I did my best to explain that they are just being kids and all that but I didn’t do a good job. I wasn’t expecting it and anytime my child is hurting I am too. I needed this today. Its been weighing on me all night and day today. It seems like common sense but when you are put in this unfortunate situation sometimes you just dont know how to deal with it. This is the first time I have ever commented on a blog post EVER. That’s how ya know how much I needed this. So thank you a billion times. Your a great mom. Keep up the good work.
Hayley,
I feel so honored that mine was your first blog post comment. I’m thankful our situation helped you and your son. The fact that you talked to your son and then continued to look for more information, tells me YOU are also a great mom.
thanks for the story. I was searching for some help on the James Dobson website and ran across your story. Unfortunately, I needed some guidance regarding a PARENT who was ‘mean’ to my child recently…. sad, sad, world! I have been praying for answers on how or IF to approach the parent. Your article has helped. Thanks for sharing.
Jamie, I’m sorry a parent was mean to your child. That makes me sad. I don’t know your entire situation, but I think it’s perfectly okay to address a parent regarding your child, for ANY reason. God gave you the full responsibility to love and protect your children. If that means approaching another parent, then that’s what you do. If you do it humbly, it may help you understand the other side of the story (there is always another side!). If the parent is truly in the wrong, then your kindness and confrontation could be the very thing that leads him/her to repentance.
Just my two cents. I hope it helps. I’m no James Dobson, though. haha.
This was such an amazing read. I never comment on anything I read, but I’m just so impressed by you. Whoever you are, I think what you wrote was simple, respectful, responsible and very loving. Your words warmed my heart and caused a flood of emotions.
I just want to thank you for sharing this with all of us.
great article – I am curious – what would your response be or how do you empower a child when, if you do call the Mean kid out, it makes it worse for your child. The Mean Kid makes your child’s life worse by taking friends away or say subtle things that are very hurtful.
thank you for this article. I friend posted it on facebook and I saw it at the exact moment I needed to see it…and it spoke to me so clearly. Thank you very much…you’ve given me some tools to help my son deal with this when he gets picked on, which is often sadly.
I just wanted to say thank you for your article. I’ve been struggling trying to find the words to help empower my son and help to understand and be okay with mean kids. He so desperately wants to be liked by everyone, and is very emotional when rejected. So thank you, I’ll be passing your wise words on as my own when i speak with my son.
Mahalo!
I pray it helps and that he finds some great friends. 🙂 Thank you for your comment.
I just wanted to say thank you.. someone else thinks the same way i do.. it made me feel validated.. thank you.
Thank you, Kelly, for taking the time to tell me. 🙂
Hello,
My name is Mike! I have a son with Cystic Fibrosis! Soon he will start school! I am so worried about how kids will treat him because he is different! I myself know how cruel kids can be. When I was a boy I had tons of freckles and I was mocked frequently! But I grew up and became the “football star” of my high school. One of the things that made me a good ball player was the inner rage I had towards kids that I am sure stemmed from early youth. It was payback time and I let them have it on the field. Off the field whe I never let anyone pick on me I was never, Never a jock that bullied. However one of the biggest regrets of my life is that I could have stopped other people from bullying other kids but I was so ate up with angst that I was indifferent to others plights! And now as an adult I have this take care of business attitude! I was raised to handle your own problems but now I have a son with CF! I won’t let him be mocked, ostersized etc! But how can I achieve this? The alpha male in me is inclined to bully the parents of the bullies! Or to tell me son he has my permission to punch anyone who bullies him in the nose! I don’t want him to grow up angry! It’s has caused more problems in my life than I can say! What do I do?
Mike, I’m so sorry about your son and the CF. I know that must weigh heavily on you. My best piece of advice is prayer. Beyond that, I would certainly talk to the school your son will attend and express your concerns. If he has an advocate in the classroom from the get-go, the other kids will be less inclined to bully. Also, equip him to respond appropriately. Give him lots of tools. Tell him how to say, “Stop it.” Tell him about going to a trusted adult and making sure he reports it to someone if something bad happens. Stay close to the teachers. Go to the school when you can and observe (have lunch, chaperone field trips, volunteer in the library, etc). All this will give you a good idea of how your son is doing. He may surprise you and do really well. Some kids are mean to kids like your son–but many kids are amazing! Let’s pray he is surrounded by amazing kids. 🙂 Good luck.
This has always been a silent issue, just talk to the school/teachers about it, let them know what has been going on and ask to talk to the kids’ parents and ask their kid, why is she/he so mean to your daughter/son? , or did my daughter/son do to you? for you to treat him rude and mean. Just confront them, the parents need to know about their kid bullying someone else so they can stop it while it’s still early.
Why do you add Jesus like or Jesus in situations? We are all human!!! That’s what life is…We learn and live.
I think because the Bible ask us to live like Jesus. A person chooses his/her own actions. So people should choose to act as if Jesus was standing there beside them.
I saw your post because my daughter shared it on fb. One thing I would add to the changes listed as he gets older: Unfortunately, the older the boy gets, the more likely a response from a mom would get a reaction of stepped up meanness from the perp (that is, perpetrator). Also, we live in a different time, the mean kid’s parent is as likely to respond badly on his kid being confronted. I was bullied a good bit growing up, I never talked to my mom about it, though I’m not sure why now. Perhaps it was this fear.
I have read many of the comments. I agree with some and disagree with others. One thing I have noticed over the years is that times are changing. It’s no longer the 70s. Some parents don’t want other parents to “interfere”, as they see it. I have 2 children. My oldest was getting picked on in 1st grade, but never said anything. I witnessed it one day in my reading class and stopped it. To my knowledge, it has never happened again with that child. My daughter has told me about other kids, and I talk to the child, or report it to the office. My son had a crush on a girl on the bus. He repeatedly told her he liked her. She asked him to stop. He didn’t. She told her mom, who called the office. I was then told. I had a pretty strong conversation with my son. I made him apologize. I even stopped the girl in the hallway and talked with her. Both of these situation with my children were teachable moments, and I used them. I believe it does take a village. I have told all the teachers and coaches at school and church to feel free to discipline as they see fit. I trust those people or my children would not be there. That being said, there are parents that think teachers should mind their own business where discipline or correction is concerned. They want us to teach the subject, but not the character. This is not necessarily just on my school or district. It, by no means, is a majority. However, it must not be ignored. I commend those who stand up for the ones being “picked on”…bullied, beaten, abused… If we, as a community…or nation…were more concerned with being polite and treating others with love, as Jesus would have us to do, we might be in a better state as a country. We all must own our own mistakes, even when we look the other way. We must do what we believe is right in every situation. If our heart and motives are pure, meaning we are not being vengeful or hurtful, we approach the situation with the right attitude, there shouldn’t be angry responses, but, alas, sometimes there are. All we can do is our absolute best (no matter the situation). That’s what God expects from us…our best.
Should mankind expect more?
I also hate meanness but some times the person that is receiving the brunt of the picking can very successfully handle it.I went to a small country school through the 8th grade and then to a small town high school. All eight grades there was a boy who made my life miserable and I felt like I hated school but one day as a freshman in High school when I got off of the bus in the morning This young student started making remarks about me that were untrue and I finally lost it. I walked over to him and pick him up and hung him on the coat rack along the wall and turned to the other group and stated ” He hangs there until I say he can come down.” The last three years of school were very peaceful. He went to college and became a drunk and died young from alcoholism. He was the one with a problem. I am 85 and have a wonderful family with a large prosperity.
I applaud you! My only child is grown now with 2 babies of her own, but raising her I NEVER held back on anyone that mistreated her in ANY way! If it was a child I handled it just as you did. Calmly, firmly but not crazy. Sorry to the teacher who disagrees with you…..if a kid is bold enough to be mean then they better be ready for the consequences. In my opinion this is a huge problem with today’s youth….there are NO consequences from ANYONE. Every school my daughter went to ( until college, at this point she made me stop) every teacher and every principle she ever had knew my name. knew my face I never let anything go. I am very proud to say that my daughter graduated high school with honors, was a very popular athlete and graduated college with honors. Students cannot be good students….. Children cannot be happy children….If they are being bullied! #MomPower
I am a mother of 4 beautiful, healthy kids. They are 4 (boy), 7 (girl), 10 (boy), and 12 (girl). I love being their mom more than anything in this world. The only problem I have right now is the world. When I had my first child at 18, I was overjoyed. Granted, I did have to stop being a child way to soon, and raise my daughter. I think I was most excited because this small human being was going to depend on me for every single thing. She was going to envy me. I had my own little person to raise. My own little person to teach the way I wanted them to be. I had this perfect vision…my child would be perfect. Never disorderly. Never rude or disrespectful. Well, over the last 12 years, I have learned a few things. Being a parent isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I wasn’t expecting this much stress, worry, and disappointment. I wasn’t expecting that I’d have to worry about what my kids would learn at school. I wasn’t expecting that I’d stress over the decisions my kids would make (you know, because they were supposed to be perfect..I taught them right). And I definitely wasn’t expecting that I’d have to be having the birds and the bee’s conversation with my 7, 10, and 12 year old. Yeah…that’s a hard one. I am just appalled at what my kids are exposed to on a daily basis, simply by going to public school. I did my best to raise good, respectful kids. I prayed God’s protection over them, simply because I couldn’t be there by their side every waking moment. My kids are definitely not perfect. God doesn’t require them to be, so I shouldn’t either. But I will say this…
1. They know right from wrong
2. They know there are consequences for their actions.
3. They are not allowed to cuss or be disobedient. And they don’t.
4. They are raised in church and respect and obey Our Heavenly Father.
5. They are taught that honesty is best, even if it may hurt.
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All in all, they are pretty good kids. My disappointments are not in my kids. It is the world who has dissappointed me. What happened to the way we were raised? What happened to the times when we were allowed to punish our kids when they disobeyed? What happened to the time where our momma would slap the taste out our mouth if we smarted off? The world is a mess out there. So unless we are gonna keep our kids in a box their whole life, we better bring back some old, traditional roots as to raising these babies. Parenting is a hard job, like I said. And each and every one of us has the right to raise our kids how we see fit. Your way may be completely different than mine, very similar to mine, or I may think your way is completely ludicris. I am not the one to sit back and judge no one. That’s not my place, it’s God’s. But I do think folks need to reevaluate their parenting skills. Even I had to. If we are going to send our children to public school, we need to equip them with the proper tools. No no…I’m not talking about the pencils or crayons, or the perfect clothes, I’m talking about tools to become respectable, productable members to society. Kids are mean these days. They say things I have never even heard of. Its sad really. I should not have to hear my 10 year old cry because the other boys in his class call him gay, simply because he doesn’t want to lust over girls or watch porn (yeah 4th graders know what porn is these days…smh). I shouldn’t have to explain to my 12 year old daughter what 69, having sex, giving head, teabagging, or threesomes are. And I dang sure shouldn’t have to worry that my 7 year old daughter, in the 2nd grade, is Googling obscene videos and images because they are curious What this stuff means. What in the world is wrong with people? This is maddness. Kids will be kids, I understand, but when it gets to this there has got to be some serious issues. What are our kids doing? Where are they? Who are they hanging out with? What are they searching for online? These are questions we should be asking EVERY SINGLE DAY. Please Lord don’t let my babies be subject to such vulgar things, simply by going to public school and getting an education. Our babies are our future guys. We already have such a broken world. And if we don’t make some changes in their raising its only going to get worse. Don’t assume that your child is perfect because he/she gets good grades. Don’t assume they know better because you raised them right. We need to be involved. Most importantly we need to build a trust bond with them. They need to know that they can talk to you about anything. Even if they have disobeyed, they need to know that they can tell you, without fear of retaliation (butt whippings excluded…they need it). I envision my kids as adults. I want them to do great things with their life. I want them to be Godly and do good things for others. I wish the best life possible for them. I’m sure we all wish the same thing. But all of this starts when their born. It’s our job as parents to form and mold them into the person God (not us) wants them to be. 20 years from now I hope to see that all my hard work has paid off, and my kids are exactly how I imagined and raised them to be. If not, then at least I can say I did everything in my power. But I will never stop trying. Until the day I die, I will teach my kids the old, traditional roots. And if the devil trys to jump in and interfere, I will be prayed up. I hope you are too.
You sound like a great mom. Keep up the good work.
I also have a son. He is 13 yrs. old currently. He had dealt with mean kids since 2nd grade and continues to deal with them.
My son is very tender hearted and an old soul. Your story echoed through my mind as I have had this conversation with my son so many times. My heart breaks for our boys. I have even had my son in counseling. Had him play baseball and chess to boost his self esteem. He even won the state championship in chess while in 3rd grade. I thought great! This will really give his esteem a boost. But, there is
always s “mean kid” waiting in the shadows to say something. I get to the point when I just don’t know what to say to him. Now he is going through puberty and they are making fun of him with that.
It’s hard to be positive and to point out the bright side, but as a mom that’s our job. I wouldn’t change it for the world, I just wish it was a little easier. Sometimes Sam just feels like he is the only one singled out. I am going to read Elijah’s story to him tonight. Thanks for sharing and God Bless!
I
This brought tears to my eyes. I will pray for your son. Wish he and Elijah could hang out. 🙂
Thank you so much for this article. I have a 5yr old and a 10mo old both boys and I have not seen first hand any meanness but he comes home and tells me things and it breaks my hear. I will use what you have wrote to help him be the better person, like Jesus, sincerely Thank You!
Aww. You are welcome, Jessica.
I have a son who happens to be 105th percentile in height and weight for his age. He’s twelve and is almost 6ft in height. Because of his size I am always aware that kids might have to just agree with him in any given situation. I first noticed this in grade one while I was watching him interact with his peers at lunch recess. Just to protect the children and MY SON. I had a small chat with him when he returned home from school. I explained. “If anyone starts a fight with you and is bullying you, you have my permission to stand up for yourself and finish the confrontation. HOWEVER, if I find out that you are intimidating, insulting or hurting another child in anyway. KNOW this, when that child falls the person who will be standing behind him waiting to fight you next will be ME. And I promise you that child will have the pleasure of watching you hit the pavement.” I can say that my son have stood up for victims in a bullying situation. I could have chosen to ignore my fears, I can’t tell you how glad I am that I nipped that in the bud. For the safety of my son and for all the kids that might have been bullied otherwise.
That’s awesome, Jenny.
Thank you so much for this post. We’re getting closer to that age where mean kids are propping up and this is excellent advice. I’ll be pinning it and saving it for sure.
Bravo, Mom!!! Excellent encouragement for your child and example of how to parent in an effective way! Bullies are …… Bullies. And sometimes I get so angry at that behavior, I feel like giving them some of their own medicine… But that would just encourage them, And be illegal and not Christlike… It IS important for kids to know some people will never like them or maybe even ever be civil to them. And “it Is Not from anything you have done, it is all about them, NOT YOU!” Just as you said. And keep in mind that people who bully statistically have to be called out on it a minimum of three times before they will stop. So as scary as it is to call them on it, be prepared to have to do it a few times. But it’s worth it. You made excellent points to your son, and he knows you love him and will be there to help him through everything life brings. My children who were bullied were able to stand up to bullies for other kids, and supported in positive ways the one being picked on. Because of mean treatment they received they learned compassion and how to stand up for themselves in appropriate ways. Thanks for sharing your experience, it will help many who are not sure how to do what you have been able to do. You are a rockin’ P90x mom….. Whatever that means!!!!
I applaud you and as for the woman/educator who didn’t condone you approaching the bully I believe comes from fear of what the parent of the other child may do. Sadly it’s because our society is afraid of children and we don’t think it’s right anymore to be the village. It’s ok to be a village and my reply to anyone would be “if it were my child doing that I hope you would approach my child”. It’s a teachable moment. Don’t let the bullies think they can get away with it. It’s a great opportunity to teach in a nice way.
Thank you for your wise words!
Wow ~ lots of comments here ~ don’t have time to read them all. I have to say that the article is a good read. I’m surprised that the situation worked out the way that it did – considering the world today. Kudos to the dad for reacting appropriately; instead of fostering the negative situation. Like many before me, I have to disagree with kara’s “most of the time the kids will work the situation out”. Sorry, but that is not true. I was a bullied kid some 41 or so years ago. There is no negotiating with a bully. That was back then. Today, kids are killing themselves over being bullied – so, I would be inclined to say that “most of the time the kids will work the situation out” is definitely false today too. Granted, victims are not talking to someone about it – but oftentimes when kids do try to talk to someone – they aren’t taken seriously for a variety of reasons. AND…if bullying is not taken seriously and stopped while children are young, then many will grow up to be adult bullies who raise bully children. I don’t profess to be an expert, but I have personal experience with bullying and know people who have lost their children to suicide over being bullied. Kudos to those who take active measures against bullying rather than relying on kids to work it out themselves.
My son is having trouble with a few of his team mates on his high school wrestling team. I printed out your blog and had him read it – he told me it’s a good article but for kids who were 6 not 16 and that it doesn’t apply to him. He wants to make this year his last year on the team and nothing I say convinces him to say he’ll try out again next year. I’m heart broken by this. He’s invested so much time and money in the sport and now will just give it up because of a few mean kids. He says he doesn’t love the sport anymore…He’s an average wrestler (not the best, not the worse on the team). Any advice?
Rebecca,
I have a 16-year-old, too, so I can relate to where you are with your son and how he feels. It’s a tough situation, when our children want to set something aside because of other people. Here are a few things that jumped out at me in your comment:
1. Your son is willing to finish out this year. I think that’s huge. This says to me that he wants to keep his commitment and not simply quit now. There’s something to be said for this.
2. I think it’s very normal for 16 year olds to decide they are ready to move on, even after doing a sport or activity their whole school career. My 16 year old daughter didn’t want to play violin this year, after playing for the last 5 years (and us purchasing a beautiful violin for her!). She wanted to take art instead. She is a gifted artist, and it’s really exciting to watch her devote her time and energy into something that she’s passionate about, not just something that she does because she’s always done it. Who knows? Maybe she will figure out a way to do both. All that to say, maybe there’s something that your son really wants to try instead that he can’t do if he wrestles. You never know…did you know Michael Jordan started out playing BASEBALL in school? 🙂
3. Maybe the mean kids were just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Maybe your son was thinking of being done anyway. Have you asked him?
4. When our kids are in a situation where they are constantly feeling degraded and insulted, it is incredibly taxing on them. Don’t underestimate that. Give him the tools and support he needs to finish out the year, and let him step away with dignity. This is real life, you know? I mean, in adulthood, we don’t just endure jobs or relationships where we are being abused. We speak up. We try to endure. But if it doesn’t change, we walk away. That’s the healthy thing to do in many circumstances.
This is not his marriage or his career we are talking about…it’s only high school wrestling. If I woke up in your shoes tomorrow, I think I would trust my child to make this decision. He needs you to be his advocate. 🙂
Sandy
I am wondering how Satan being inside the child is an example of making a better choice. It’s natural to feel the hot sting of anger after being bullied but involving Satan is hard to comprehend.
Feel free to delete but I was not understanding the point of raising the idea that Satan speaking to the child.
Susan,
I am a Christian and believe the Bible is the Word of God. In the Bible, (John 8:44) Jesus says this of Satan:
“He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks what it natural to him, for he is a liar and the father of lies and half-truths.”
I believe that Satan lies to us all the time. He tells us we are unloved, unworthy, alone, hopeless…on and on. In my son’s case, be was believing the whole world hated him. We don’t hear literal voices, but we hear him in our thoughts. Sometimes, I believe Satan uses other people to speak lies to us.
I never said that Satan was inside my child. I don’t believe Satan can inhabit a child of God. But I do believe he tempts us, accuses us, and condemns. And he usually does this in our thoughts. I also believe it’s our duty as Christians and children of God to control our thoughts and make them align with God. Second Corinthians 10:5 tells us this when it says, “We are destroying sophisticated arguments and every exalted and proud thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought and purpose captive to the obedience of Christ,”
I teach this to my kids because living a life pleasing to God begins in the thoughts. If a child “thinks” something that is contrary to God’s word, we can know it’s a lie. And since Satan is the Father of Lies (like Jesus said), we can know it’s not from God.
I believe it’s my job as a mother to help my kids discern truth from lies. And I want them to know the root of all lies. I believe the Bible teaches that is Satan.
If you are not a Christian or you do not hold a literal and infallible view of the Bible, then I can understand why this seems confusing to you.
Thanks for your comment. 🙂
Sandy
I agree with everything you said. I also have told my 15 year old son all the same things. I have noticed he chooses to not participate in things now, his confidence is so low. Everything you said I said it’s all true but none of if changes how it makes them feel about themselves. Advice?
What we try to do is purposely surround our son with kind kids and adults who will build him up. We also put him in situations where he can gain some confidence, doing things he enjoys and he is good at. It’s hard to counterbalance the effect of bullies. It’s exhausting at times. But we are very intentional.
Well, I spent the first 17 years of my life being abused by the mean kids of the world. I was a kid who was always 2-3 years behind my peers in size, but 2-3 years ahead academically…not a great combination when in the company of mean kids. But, I did grow up and was a REALLY LATE bloomer! I found a lot of the same mean kids at my university as well but they were tolerated less, they usually did not graduate and most did not make their way into a profession. I found some solace in that…they ended up locking themselves into their own kind of “room”. The sad thing is that a lot of those mean kids grew up to influence their own children to be mean kids. Your post was encouraging and I always tell my 7-year old daughter to always go to the rescue of the kid being persecuted by a “mean kid”. Thanks again:)
Great article!! Being a mother of an older child who was bullied, and a sister who was bullied, I know all to well the horrible effects of mean kids!! I am older and wiser now and will always stand up for my child. Oh, how I wish I had this wisdom when I was younger. I personally do not care what anyone thinks!! Far better to have some judgmental adults disagree with me, than to have a child taunted and feel unloved. Just knowing that someone has their back can make a world of difference!!!
This is powerful! Thanks for putting it out there. I’m going to save this for the inevitable time when I will need it again.
My sister-in-law sent me your blog post today & it has been so encouraging! My 6 year old daughter has recently been bullied at school and told she is not normal & no one likes her or her stories. To know my sweet girl you would know telling stories is only a part of her gifts! She is the most imaginative child I know who lives in a world of unicorns, mermaids & rainbows. She brings joy to everyone. Adults & older kids (pre-teen & teen) adore her!
It was difficult to hear her break down sobbing while telling me she wishes she was normal. Like her swim coach said when I told him about it, who defines normal & what right does a 6 year old, or 7 year old, boy have to say such things.
All I know is my heart broke & I have been searching for the right things to tell her. I’ve encouraged her & told her God made her to be the person she is. I’ve always told her to be nice & friendly to everyone b/c she may be the only one who is nice to that child, but I didn’t realize that would also lead to her being a victim.
Since she has opened up my husband, her teacher, coach & others have been showering her with extra love & encouragement. Seeing your post I have some great ideas of other things to tell her that I think will also encourage her & give her strength. Thank you for your words!!
It is so heartbreaking to hear about victims of bullying, when it is very preventable. Shining light on darkness does push the darkness away. But the power of love and kindness is so amazing, a reflection of God. I talk about my feelings on bullying with my middle school son and pray he won’t experience cruelty from others. I’m glad I read your post and admire your standing firm on Godly values.
Wonderful words! I plan on having this exact talk with my 6 year old son today. The sad thing is he isn’t dealing with mean kids, he has one particular mean adult – a parent at wrestling practice. We have been working on deaing with this mom for a few weeks but I think the points you made will be perfect to put an end to this terrible situation. Thank you!
Everyone…including kids need to be held responsible for their actions. Responsibility for our actions makes us succeed as adults!
Just read this to my 10 year old son. Nothing would make me happier than for him to be “that kid”. The one that speaks up in order to rescue someone.
Powerful, well written message!
Kids should read this !
Being mean and tough to other kids even on the playing field( court) is just plain bullying period.
Telling someone is so very important.
Kids don’t want to be called a tattletale but guess what you can tell an adult in private and it should stay private.
Mean kids get older and I have found they don’t usually outgrow the meanness unless it is pointed out and modled otherwise.
One of my children was taunted since middle school and it continued through most of high school because of being scared of telling an adult and retaliation from the mean kids ……
Just tell please
I read an early reply from a teacher who felt you should never approach a child. I don’t agree. The problem with letting other adults, like teachers and coaches, handle it is– often they don’t. Many parents I know have gone to the teacher, the coach, the principal of the school about their child being bullied and nothing gets done. Nothing. Bullies and “mean kids” behave like that because they know they can get away with it. I’m in my sixties– when kids bullied others in school our parents went to the school or called the other parents and the behavior stopped– most of the time. Kids who kept it up were suspended or expelled. It’s about teaching kids that there are consequences for behavior that is unsocial and unacceptable. I applaud you. I may have tried to anticipate a parent not wanting me to reprimand their child and asked the mean kid to take me to his or her parent– right now. Then I would have had that conversation in front of the parent. And I would’ve ended it by saying “I did this because if my child was behaving this way I would want to know. And now you do.”
Hi Patricia,
I am very sorry to hear that your experiences with individuals who should be responsible leaders in children’s lives have been disappointing. I come from a long line of coaches, and I can assure you that there are many coaches out there, myself included, who believe that they have a responsibility to prevent bullying while kids are on their watch. The issue that many of us face is that the steps that we take to try to address bullying prompt some parents to accuse us of being a bully or to engage in retaliatory behavior.
I had a case of this a few years ago when I was coaching a U-12 girls soccer team. I’ve played soccer for probably 15 years, and I come from a long line of experienced players and coaches. My husband is the same and has probably been playing for about 20 years. His cousin asked us to serve with him as assistant coaches for his daughter’s team given our extensive experience. When we started to help, we noticed that there was an individual on the team who would talk badly about other players, trip them and use her arms/legs illegally on the field, and repeatedly exclude certain players on the team. When we tried to approach my husband’s cousin, the head coach, about this, we were told by him that she was “just being a kid” and that we were being overly sensitive. Furthermore, he forbade us from trying to talk to the parents about her behavior. We came to find out that he and the bullying child’s parents were friends from back in high school and that he wasn’t interested in addressing her behavior. We also noticed that the coach was a bully himself. He would scream at the girls and would talk badly about players who were “different” when they weren’t around.
The girl’s bullying did not improve, and I eventually had other girls coming to me telling me that they were hurt by this child’s actions. I ended up addressing the bullying child myself without going to the head coach. Every practice, she would get several “verbal warnings”. If she did not respond to the 3 or more warnings that we typically gave her, we would ask her to take a lap around the field to think about her actions and to create some distance between her and the individual who she was picking on. This was established procedure for other girls on the team, but the head coach would often get angry with me for asking this particular child to do so. Furthermore, he started to try to undermine my authority as a female coach by telling the girls on the team that I didn’t know anything and interrupting me every time I would try to say something, telling the girls that they didn’t have to listen to me. Everything eventually culminated in the head coach telling me allegedly that the bullying child’s parents, and some of the parents of her friends, thought that I was being a bully and that if I didn’t let up on the child, they would go to a different team. I was never permitted to discuss the matter with the parents, and I was told that “no one would want to talk to me.”
I wish that we would have had the opportunity to talk to the bullying child’s parents in that situation, but I also fear that it wouldn’t have done any good as they were all friends. I ended up resigning as a coach from that team, which made me very sad because many of the interactions that I did have with the kids and parents were very positive and/or encouraging. But I refused to turn a blind eye to what I knew in my heart was bullying just because some parents couldn’t handle the fact that their child needed some direction.
To Kara, who thinks that adults should not get involved in youth bullying, I am sorry to say this, but I think that you are incorrect. Despite the fact that I was hated for my actions BY SOME, I did notice appreciation from the children who were being bullied by this child. It takes courage and faith to do the right thing, even though many may hate you for it. That is a critical lesson that Jesus taught us. While I have no intentions of ever coaching again, I fully intend on being a full-blown mama bear for my future children, and I will always stand up for them when they need me in the future.
Great article Sandy!
Never condone or justify bad behavior in children or adults. Being a good person is a way of life. Always speak up for yourself and others. Sadly bullying is all around us in our society. The political climate today has set back the anti-bullying and Character Counts campaigns 50 years. If you believe in a better society vote against bullying in the ballot box and turn the destructive radio and TV voices off. I can’t think of a better way to set an example for your kids and grandkids.
The best part of this, and don’t get me wrong what you wrote was lovely, was the fact that you don’t let people bully others. So many times I see hateful, hurtful remarks and notice that some people thrive sitting behind their computer screens saying nasty things to others. Thank you for not being one of them. God Bless!
I agree with the writer and appreciate the post. I didn’t read all the comments; only a few. I try to remember that kids or teens or adults who are mean probably do not truly feel good about themselves, so I try to be careful, direct, and loving in these type of confrontations. Matter-of-fact is better than out-of-anger. An angry response can make a person feel even worse about themselves and cause them to become even more mean. Obviously if there was some physical alteration that would change the circumstances.
As a follow up I was bullied alot and it affected me growing up, but it also caused me to stick for other kids getting bullied. Teaching our kids to stick up for others is awesome.
Thank you… I finally don’t feel crazy because I think the bully should be confronted. I imagine letting them have it but I wouldn’t because I’m not going to do that. I’ve been scary once. The girl clearly was never taught to respect adults so I got called crazy and scary. All I did was ask her to give my kid space during a situation. So, thank you! We are dealing with girls who created a fake account to message my daughter. So I appreciate the encouragement and the ensigjtful balance! Way to go Mom!
You can’t see me, but I’m giving you a very heartfelt standing ovation. We are using this as our lesson for our three school-aged kids in tonight’s Family Home Evening. Thanks so much for your example, and words of practical wisdom
This comment made my day. I read it to my son, Elijah and he said, “Please ask him to let us know how it goes after they read it to their kids.” 🙂
I pray God will give me the wisdom to teach my kids this way when time comes! Thanks you.
As a second grade teacher, I see both mean kids and sweet ones. You were right on target. We have to equip our kids to handle it. Sometimes calling them out can be very effective. All of a sudden, they become aware that they are being perceived negatively and the “power” shifts.
I get the “mama bear” instinct. I want to beat up every kid who is mean to my son – and he is 15!!!! Luckily, he’s learned how to handle situations like this is a positive and constructive way. I pray he always does. Fighting meanness with meanness or worse, violence, is never the answer.
I am so disgusted by the adults who just stand by and let children be hurt, physically or verbally or through exclusion.
I feel that the teachers these days do very little to help suffering children, children who are in need of adult assistance. They are tiny little souls who are in need of guidance and protection.. how can anyone not see that???
Some of these kids at school are so cruel. There is a little boy at my children’s school who has given a concussion to one boy, and who has given a few black eyes and who is constantly punching and beating up the other kids, at age 8. Some of these poor kids’ parents don’t know this is happening. These kids are scared and looking to an adult for help. But no help is to be found.
It is so discouraging. So many parents I have spoken with, say they don’t want to “rock the boat” or make the school community upset with them, by complaining about their child’s wounds.
I would rather be ostracized and alienated, than to have any child take the brunt from a mean and ignorant child.
It is so wrong and I find it so hard to believe that so many adults / parents / teachers are so weak and misguided.
If a child is hurting another child, be respectful but tell them that is simply WRONG to do. For anyone who argues against that, you’re not seeing the consequences and you are an enabler of the bullying.
I’m a mom of little twin girls. They aren’t old enough to have experienced mean kids yet, but I know it’s coming. I’m so glad I read your post because it reminded me of all the things my parents did right to help me deal with the meanies. My parents taught me similar lessons and were, like you emphasized, always on my side. The result was I felt loved and supported, I was confident enough to tell bullies to back off, and I learned the importance of standing up for others. All this has carried through into adulthood. I’m so thankful that you reminded me of all this so I can more consciously pass it on to my little ones.
Also, I’m so proud of you for standing up for your little man instead of being worried about stepping on toes or expecting him to just ‘toughen up’ and deal with it. Brave parents make such a difference in kids’ lives and seeing your parent stand up and fight for you, even a tiny battle, teaches you how to do the same thing for yourself and others.
Much love
Love the way you handled the situation. I don’t like mean kids and was bullied in school. I’ve tried to teach my kids they are no better than anyone else and nobody else is any better than them. They were also taught to stand up for their beliefs or a kid that is getting picked on. My oldest boy is in the 8th grade and my youngest boy is in 6th grade, both have come home and told me about situations in which another child was being picked on and they stood up for them. Honestly it warmed my heart to know they were being a good human being.
A friend of mine has recently encountered a mean bully with her daughter. Unfortunately it was also a reverse-discrimination incident as well. Even more unfortunate, the principal and teachers seem to be trying to sweep it under the rug. So trying to find a “trusted” adult isn’t always easy. You have such a great story and one of hope. (It was passed along to my friend)! Thank you for sharing! It’s good to know I’m not the only mom who has gone wild when her kids were threatened/bullied!
I’m saving this for my daughter to read to her when it happens to us…Thank you. Godly mother. ….From another godly mom
Thank you so much for this article! My 12 year old just had this problem and we were not around and he ran all the way home hurt. I wish I had confronted the boys because they are suppose to be his friend and one of them called him a baby for running away. Now I watch him daily be discouraged because he thinks he has no one to play with. This article is encouraging to me and I love what you said about Jesus!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
This. Was. Awesome. I SO needed it!! Thank you for being a blessing!
I really enjoyed this article. I think this mother handled the situation very well. Mothers should always protect and stand up for their children in the way THEY feel is best. A “mothers intuition” is usually 100% spot on. I believe if we do not correct and/or punish (appropriate consequences) children for their bad behavior, society will punish them when they become adults: the jails are full of those type of adults that were never taught, or learned, appropriate/acceptable social behavior as children. More power to anyone with the courage to speak out and stand up for decency, whether it is a child or an adult misbehaving. There are times there needs to be “policing” otherwise we would live in total chaos. Never look the other way, and always stand up for anyone being bullied, especially if you are an adult/teacher/coach/parent, etc. Children look to adults to do what is right and fair.
I can not understand how a TEACHER would say speaking up for your child or any for that matter in a situation of bullying, demeaning someone or just plain mean behavior is not ok. My daughter had a teacher like you for 4 th grade. She labeled my daughter an introvert. She completely missed that my daughter was being bullied or just didn’t want to say anything to the girls who relentlessly excluded her and picked on her. All. Year. Long. If I had the chance I would have given these girls a talking to but they are cowards as most bullies are and they didn’t say a word when I was ever around. I will always be an advocate for my children. I Would not stand by and just use the situation as a “teaching” experience. You are teaching them to be walked all over by not confronting the situation head on. Is it fun to do? No. But confronting bullies and mean kids should be done more so the problem, that is so out of control, so our kids can be truly taught how to handle these situations. Adults should be part of the soulution not the problem and by not saying anything you are part of the problem.
Great article by the way! I’m going to share parts of it with my kids because I think it should be shared!
Just one addition that wasn’t written here is that mean kid may also be hurting “and probably is”. He needs a friend. Calling out his behavior is good, but he still needs to be loved. This coming from a single mom of two boys that were abandoned by their father. They had anger issues and sometimes were mean. They turned out in the end to be good Christian men, but a little love and understanding goes a long way.
I just wanted to let you know that I googled this subject, read your story, and shared with my daughter who needed this tonight. It was also lovely to read comments left by others(especially the prayer).
I thank God for your blog on this topic and feel so richly blessed to be able to turn this emotion around.
She is now putting it in perspective. The enemy is behind it all. She is prepared to be the light in the darkness tomorrow!
I love this, Kathy. Thank you for telling me.
I am so glad I read this article, My child is 5.5, and in our neighborhood there are 2 boys across the road 7 & 9. and a girl next door who is 13. My son gets on great with the boys most of the time, but we have worked out that when this girl comes along to play my son is pushed aside, maybe mocked, jeered at, physically hurt etc. I couldn’t work out was it the boys behavior changed or was the girl instigating it. anyway to cut a long story short I just started keeping an eye out more when he was outside so on a few occasions when I saw them physically hurt him I.E 7 yr old hit him twice in the face i opened the door and said can you please stop hitting him in the face, child nodding yes and i went back inside, another day older boy pushed him into a large puddle of mucky water I heard him cry went out boys were running away I asked what happpened he said “name” pushed me into water as boy was running past me I said there was no need for that, child ran in home. Being a child they get over things more quickly than adults and he likes playing with them when they are nice so he goes over to call for them a few days later and he is told by their mum oh the boys dont want to play with you cause you keep telling on them!! 5mins later girls calls for them they are all outside then having a picnic jeering over at my son in our garden and the mum and 13yr watching them jeer at my son.In my eyes thats a sad mentality, the boys arent asked well why did she say anything to you its oh stay away from him so!!The dad of the girl gave out to my son one day as he clipped her ankle with his bike when he couldn’t stop fast enough I said nothing as I knew he did something. I came home another day my son was crying they had been at him again they told him to fuck off and piss off when this girl came along and told him he wasn’t allowed come with them to the park next door so i went over to them and said he was allowed over there if he wanted and would ye mind stop telling him to fuck off and piss off! with that I had the dad come banging at my door giving out i was giving out to the kids when i explained what happened or is happening regularly, i was ignored, later that night the grandad came banging on the door roaring are you cursing at my grandkids i said no i wasnt i asked your grandchild to stop cursing at mine. I would love to keep my son away from them but its so hard when they live right next door and all kids want to go out and play!I saw them at him again the other day so i opened the door said come in I can see what they are doing to you, they then went and said i went out shouting at them again roaring what are ye doing to him again?? no such thing happened but they only want to believe their kids are doing no wrong and Im the problem and i need to control myself!the kids knew i had seen them again so ran in saying that i said that to cover themselves!they are trying to saying I am the whole time roaring and shouting at them which is totally untrue and they have even said when i asked have you ever heard me they say no but my son/daughter said you were like place is small if i was they would have heard me! I keep saying if ye spoke to your kids and explained they should just try get along instead of just saying oh stay away from him so if his mom is pulling ye on it if ye are picking on him!Am i totally in the wrong here??? really stressed over whole thing as they are making it all abut me and ignoring the real reason why i have ever opened my mouth to the kids!!I i must stress I always spoke to them never shouted or roared!but they tell parents i am!The atmosphere is awful and I feel so conscious and worried even when i go to town now as i feel they are probably telling people Im an awful person that their kids cant even play outside without being attacked by me but thats totally untrue!
Sandy, What if it is a teacher being a bully? What if the teacher clearly picks on a student, causing other students to stand up for her because the accusations are outrageous and unfair? Or the teacher is so clearly unfair that it causes other students to raise their eyebrows in disbelief? Yes, momma bear wants to go kapow, but is remaining silent, encouraging my child to stand up for herself, be confident, be respectful, be honest and do not admit to a wrong that you have not done. Disrespectful adults really get on my nerves, especially when they are disrespectful to someone who is under their authority.
Jackie: document, document, DOCUMENT!! Allow your child to secretly record this teacher’s actions on their cell phone (or let them use your cell phone). This is a violation of everything decent a teacher should be doing. Then take it to the principal, the school board, the police. No adult (especially a teacher) should be allowed to continually bully a child! This needs to be addressed now and stopped NOW!
Speak to the principal immediately, first without the teacher and then later, if you feel it necessary, with the teacher present. We are dealing with this exact problem with my daughter, and I’ve found other parents in her class also having the same problem.
The problem is I ALSO found parents of previous students who had this problem, but they NEVER told the administration! So there is absolutely nothing in this woman’s file and she has been teaching for 9 years. I posted about this two days ago, but because of this teacher’s bullying we have been dealing with my daughter’s anxiety since before Christmas and it got so bad she stopped eating solid food 3 weeks ago. She is finally starting to come back to herself, but only because we got her moved out of this woman’s class and I started giving her baby food and rewarding her for taking one extra bite more than the night before. She is almost 9-YEARS-OLD and has to eat baby food because her anxiety of this woman developed to the point she felt her throat tightening and she doesn’t think she can swallow food. Her pediatrician said there’s nothing wrong with her throat and it’s all psychosomatic.
The principal has been wonderful, but this is his first year at this school, so he has no history with this teacher. But I know he is working with the other parents who have complained. We are hoping to have this woman dismissed.
Thank you for such a wonderfully written article and for such beautifully thought out discussion points.
I am so lucky to have come across this article. My son has been on the “short end of the stick” with what he has considered friends for the past year. Last night he told me about the latest issue with these so called friends. After planning to all room together for a school trip this coming Spring, the group decided to take my son’s name off the list. Now mind you, we have been paying for this trip for not only my son but for my husband who is going to be a chaperone for the past 5 months but the plans have been set by the boys for a very long time. Since he is 13, I let him work out with the group who would be rooming together. The day came and the boys “forgot” to put his name down and claim to not have known about the arrangement. I have read all the text messages and finally decided it was time to out them to their parents, who also claim to “not really know what happened.” These mother’s were also supposed friends to me. My son is a great boy, not perfect, but a good person. The boys finally admitted that they “did it to fit in” and are now sorry but it is too late.
I have been searching for a way to help manage my sons disappointment (really I would like to rip the mom’s and boy’s heads off but that would not be kind or an example I want to set, but it would be immediate gratification). I encouraged him to be polite but not give them the time of day and basically move on. They really do not deserve a friend like my son and I hope they have fun feeding off of each other in the months and years to come. For so many months, I practiced “let them work it out” but you can only use that approach if there is mutual respect for each other.
I would love to post this to my FB page to be passive aggressive but I will not. I will do what I can in my home to help my son grow beyond this group and stand up for himself. I will pray about it and I will coach my son to be a good person and never do something like this to someone else. I also think it is time to do my own soul searching and make some new connections with maybe some new friends for myself. I have nothing to lose, that’s for sure!
My daughter has a slightly different situation, but I don’t even know how to talk to the person doing it without wanting to strangle her. If it was a mean kid, I think my daughter could deal with it easier. But she has had to deal with a mean teacher.
This woman is teaching 3rd grade and, in her own subtle, passive aggressive way, she has been mean to my daughter and other children in her classroom. Once we identified the problem as being the teacher herself, it took a couple of weeks until we were finally able to convince administration that it was best to remove my daughter entirely from this woman’s class, but her damage was done. My daughter has developed stress from this woman so badly that she now has globus anxiety (a lump-in-the-throat feeling, similar to when you feel like you have to cry) that was there occasionally at the beginning, but is there ALL the time to the point that we have not been able to get her to eat solid food for the last two weeks because she thinks she will choke. There were many small things that happened over the course of the last semester, but what pushed my daughter over the edge was this teacher denied her access to the nurse for an entire day of school for a headache that could have been easily alleviated by removing a ponytail that was too tight. By the time school was over, the headache was so bad she had to have Tylenol and an ice pack to go to bed that night.
My daughter was removed from this woman’s class last week, but my daughter now has a fear that her swallowing problem won’t go away, turning it into a viscous cycle of being afraid to eat. We are seeking help with a therapist for her, but the damage has been done. This woman, who has been teaching for 9 years, has nothing in her file because no parent ever complained about her before. But when I began speaking to parents whose children were in her classroom in the past, all of them had an issue that they NEVER told anyone in administration about. Two other parents of children in my daughters class are currently speaking with administration about their own problems. This woman has a history of belittling and publicly berating (yelling) at her students in class, denying them access to the nurse, not allowing them to ask questions in class – until she is finished speaking – which for 8- and 9-year-olds, after 10 minutes they don’t remember they even had a question, much less what she was talking about if they can’t understand the concept because they weren’t allowed to ask a question in the first place.
I guess I write all of this for other mom’s and dad’s information to say, if you have ANY indication that a teacher is the “Mean Kid” your child is dealing with, say something to administration, not just to the teacher. Chances are, they have done this before and will continue the behavior. And they should most likely find another profession that does not involve children.
Update: My daughter did not eat solid foods for 30 days and did not eat a whole meal for another month. We had to have multiple tests run to confirm it was nothing physical. We have found 5 other students in this woman’s classroom (20%) who are in therapy. They could not pinpoint what the cause of these children’s stress and anxiety was until I posted about it. One child has been waking up from screaming nightmares for months and wouldn’t talk about it until his mom asked him about this teacher. Another child has been having her hair fall out. We have had the school start an investigation, but she is still in the classroom. We are now talking with an attorney.
Kelly… I’m sorry to hear about what your daughter went through and I pray this will be over soon and she will get over it by God’s grace .
My son , who is in grade 5 now, had a similar teacher in grade 3 , and until now we are still trying to heal the wounds she caused and the damage she caused … we were living in a trauma like Year . Thank God she was a substitute teacher for the year but we were unfortunate to have her .
She was abusing my son all year with harsh words , yelling and shouting at him … labeling him as the trouble student who is always disturbing the class . She made him sit alone every time there was a group activity tellin him I front of he whole class : you work alone , the others don’t need a partner to disturb them and delay their progress ! ” And eventually all the kids were convinced that they shouldn’t deal with this kid . He was lonely , mocked and bullied which made him angry and want to break any rule because he felt as a victim who was already sentenced for life !
He was always the one to be blamed anytime something wrong happened , even if he was not in the room ! She used to call me everyday telling me how he behaved that day ! She even made a special RED file to document his daily behavior with a sad/ straight/ happy face … and of course all that was done in front of the whole class . She was convinced that he has ADHD – and when we took him to the specialist and did all the testing and turned out that he is gifted and not challenged enough she laughed and wrote a report that she doesn’t agree with the test results….
Until today my son is still trying to make friends and for 2 years now he is still labeled by the teachers and students and still feel that he has to prove to everyone that he is not what she made him look like , which I think no 8 years old should be worried or burdened with …
Its unfortunate to have such people come across our life and our kids lives but my prayer is to have the wisdom , grace and courage to stand up for our kids , know our rights and stop The bullies .
I don’t care what is going on at your home, what “Diagnosis” you have (I am a counselor by the way) what your momma or daddy do to you, what guy was ugly to you during band practice, if you pick on my kid, I am going to be in your face. This whole “let the kid handle it, let them toughen up, let them learn from it” is bull. Children are not emotionally equipped to process the complex emotions that go along with being bullied. So yea, if you’re mean to my child, I will be in your face, whether you’re 5 or 50. It is my DUTY as a mother to defend my child, and I will do it with everything in me.
My daughter was bullied in high school (a very small) by the mom of her best friend. That ended the girls friendship, as my daughter was never again comfortable with the mom or the family. The other mom was clueless… Helping kids name their feelings & negotiate relationships is a lofty goal, but first the bullying must stop. I’m a mamma bear too, but my daughter begged me not to confront the other mother for fear of escalation – especially because the school was so small.
This post really enlighten me today. Its because my son gets hurt AGAIN physically. What really makes me agrier is that last night I saw on his right arm that he has a wound . And in morning I saw another one. Its a wound when someone pinched you so much it gets scratch (I gues its because of the nails) and redder. My god, I tremble with anger that I almost saw black. I dont know what the RIGHT thing to with this kind of situation. Im a first time mom so I dont know how to handle things like this. How am i going to confront the child (who is 5 years older than my son) who hurt my son. When things like this happened I silently prayed to God to help me what is the right thing to do. Because its not easy when there is no one who will guide you or ask advice about this kind of abuse. You know I always worried when my son go out to played with the other kids in our street. because he always ended up bullied or worst he has wounds. Please, can you give an advice how to or what to say to the child who hurt my son? Thank you and God bless!
“Don’t EVER be the Mean Kid. Ever. And when you see another kid getting picked on, for the love of all that is right and good, go rescue that kid. Go put your arm on that kid’s shoulder and tell him you are on his side. Then go up to the Mean Kid and say, ‘Stop it.'”
That’s how I raised my son. He was charming, confident and always stood up for the new kid, the outcasts. He took to being the white knight naturally. In his twenties, he saw a guy being rough with a female companion. Son stepped in, saying something like “Dude, cool it, it’s never right to hit a woman.” The guy smiled at him, sucker punched him and almost broke his eye socket. The “dude” and his girlfriend ran off laughing. The police told him on the way to the hospital, NEVER get involved. A week or two later, I saw a similar story on the news. A guy stepped in to stop what looked like domestic violence, he was hit, fell, hit is head on the sidewalk and died later.
So, there might be a need for a second talk, when they are young adults. There is a time to intervene and a time to walk away but figuring out which is which is pretty darn hard these days.
I loved this and though it’s been many years since my own sons were raised, we still see bullying often. One of my sons was picked on by another boy at school. It was to the point that he was almost in tears by the time he got off of the bus every night. Enough was enough and he’d tried everything to be invisible. I finally called the other boys mother (who happened to be a teacher) and asked her if she would find out what my son was doing to her son that was causing her son to treat my son like he was. Of course her son was perfect and would never behave in the manner I told her about. Two days later, she called me back and apologized and said she had talked to her son and he had in deed been tormenting my son but it was because some bigger boys were tormenting him. So I say… speak up! Talk to the parents and find out if your child is causing the problem or if it’s a domino affect where the bully is a bully because he/she’s being bullied.. It’s all in how you approach it!
I cried reading this article. I felt lost recently because my son had been picked on and recently was teased by his best (he thought she was) child friend. He started the preschool class last year, when my nightmare started. My son is a bit introverted, so he internalize his thoughts. Most of the time, he just acted out and let his frustration out on me after the school. So, every night became flights… My husband and I changed his school this year. My son seems happier at new school as the teachers are excellent and helping the kids learn how to treat others. Then, I made a mistake taking my son to an apple picking with other friends last weekend. The mean kid family decided to join… She started to teased my son again. Then, he was devastating and hurt as he thought she was his friend – he moved on from previous bad experience, which I thought was remarkable and envy his ability to do so. I should have stood up for him immediately as her parents were not watching nor listening to their daughter being mean. It was time for lunch, so my husband and I were focusing on going back home for lunch instead. It hurts me to watch my son go through the pain again.
He just turned 4 and still young to understand many aspects of society. But I will give him huge hugs today after school and tell him what you told your son! Hope he gets it (even a small part of my message.)
Thank you so much for writing the article!
I will be a mom of two. My child was scratch by another kid while they were playing and there was blood on his face. I asked my son as calmly as I could what happened and to tell me just pure honesty. He said the kid was chasing him and scratch his face. I approached the kid and asked him what he did and showed him what happened to my sons face. I didn’t tell him what he did was right or wrong but showed him what he did, made eye contact and excuse ourselves. His grandparents were there. And all I can hope for is that the grandparents can take it from there and hopefully tell the kid what he did was wrong. Because when I see my son getting a little rough I call him and tell him to calm down so other parents can at least see I stop my son from being rough and prevent future accidents and hopefully they do the same to their kids.
This is just what I needed to read today! My son came home after a bad day of kids being mean to him and teasing him. They were all on the same track team, which won first place, but they exclude him. He really didn’t want my advice and just wanted to vent, but I told him to ignore them, etc. We’ve gone to the teachers for other mean issues, I feel like we are constantly up having discussions like this. It’s middle school and the kids are just down right mean. It breaks my heart because my son tries to be the good kid, he’s not mean, doesn’t curse (like most of the middle school population).
Sandy,
I am writing a bible class book for middle school aged girls entitled “From the Inside Out.” I would like to include part of this article in a chapter entitled “Is this really about me?” I would, of course, give you credit for the quote and include the web address to this article. Would you mind if I do this? You can send me an email or just comment back on this comment. The section I want to include is below:
“There will always be mean people. There will always be people who don’t like you. Some people don’t like me. Some people don’t like Dad. It’s just the way it is. Jesus lived a perfect life—Like, He made NO MISTAKES and said NOTHING STUPID, EVER. But people hated Him, still. You can’t change that. All you can do is equip yourself to deal with hate in a healthy, productive way. But that voice in your head that says, “Sometimes I feel like the whole world hates me”? That’s Satan. And that’s a lie. Not everyone hates you. There are way more people who love you than people who don’t. Kids are mean for a reason. Sometimes, it’s because it makes them feel strong. Sometimes, they are going along with the crowd to be accepted. Sometimes, it’s because no one ever told them it was wrong to treat people that way. Sometimes, it’s because someone has been mean to them. But almost NEVER is it because of you. Don’t ever define yourself based on the opinion of the Mean Kid.” From http://thescooponbalance.com/what-to-do-when-someone-is-mean-to-your-child/
Thanks for sharing! Great post.
What to do when it’s a mean mom being mean to your child? A lady at the Boy Scout Pack is so rude to my kids and seems to signal them out for her meanness. She doesn’t like me, don’t know why, just in general seems to be not a nice person. I let my daughter go to camp this past week and my daughter came home and said she was just mean to her and made her feel really uncomfortable. If I confront this lady, who is a leader, I don’t think it will get resolved as I truly believe this is who she is. I also think we will be “outcasted” as she has a clique within the group who I think will defend her. My daughter is not a difficult child, has hard time standing up for herself so this isn’t about her behavior. This lady has been rude since we joined but I’ve overlooked it as things lately have been lukewarm with her. This past week has made it clear she has a problem. I am newer to the group so I do not think they will do anything but see me as causing conflict. I talked with my daughter about it-had a very teachable moment but I am so angry that she was mistreated. Advice?
I can imagine the struggle of restraining your emotions when your precious one is getting picked on. Great points you mentioned here. Thank you for writing about this subject.
Agreed on a lot of your points here. It really does take a village to raise a child. We police them now so they’ll learn to police themselves later in life.
Thanks.