“the degree and intensity you have to fight for something is directly related to how much it matters to you.” Jon Acuff
In four short years, this beautiful child of mine will be an adult.
Which is so odd, because exactly four days ago, she looked like this.
In four short years, she will be working and driving and dating and voting. She will be doing her own laundry, buying her own clothing and choosing her own food. She’ll have a bank account and a car. She’ll be getting ready for college. Probably moving away from home.
The changes over these next four years of high school will be rapid and radical. I know that.
And I’m scared.
I’ve got my work cut out for me. Not only for her sake, but also for the two younger children coming up behind her. As I sit here—the first day of summer break with an emerging high-schooler, middle-schooler and first-grader—the reality of the passage of time strikes me more severely than ever before. I know I’ve got to get my head on straight for this next season.
I won’t sugar coat this next statement: middle school was hell. For her. For me. For Jon. For me.
While I hear other parents swear to me it gets better in high school, I’m not counting on it. (They lied to me about the Terrible Twos. They can’t be trusted!) That’s not me being negative. That’s me being realistic. I mean, even if high school brings with it growing maturity and balanced hormone levels, I’ve got two more entering middle school behind her.
No matter how you slice it, I’m screwed.
Without disclosing too many details, I will tell you that our middle school experience was probably typical on some levels—but, it was so NOT typical on others. We fought battles involving mean girls and bad attitudes and appropriate boundaries and adolescent depression and my evolving and ever-changing role in all this.
We fought each other. A lot.
For the record, I’m not a fan of battles. In fact, if this season of parenting has done anything for me, it’s revealed what a wimp I really am when it comes to battles. More and more, I find myself retreating in battle. Running into a locked room and crying into a carpeted floor because I don’t know what the hell is happening and how I’m supposed to navigate it.
I don’t know if I’ve always been such a wimp, but without a doubt, parenting a teen has unveiled my complete disdain for tension in the home. I will do almost anything to avoid it (the tension, not the teen) (okay, sometimes also the teen) including but not limited to
- Failure to set firm boundaries, in hopes she’ll just do the right thing on her own.
- Failure to follow through on consequences when she doesn’t do the right thing, because I don’t want to rock the boat (see previous statement about disdain for tension in the home.)
- Coming down too hard on the kids who actually DO obey me, because it’s easier than coming down on the one who does not.
- Outright refusal to confront my teen because I’m sick of being Bad Cop, thereby handing over all necessary negative confrontations to the loving hands of my capable husband (who always gets to be Good Cop).
- Who, turns out, also hates tension in the home and will avoid it at all cost.
- Causing me to be angry and frustrated with my capable husband for lack of follow through in administering consequences that I am trying to avoid.
- Causing me to retreat to the nearest locked room and cry into the carpet.
It’s a vicious cycle, this wimpy parenting.
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Sometimes when I’m in the middle of a confusing or difficult situation, it helps to pretend I am counseling someone else with these same problems. It seems like I always have words of wisdom and encouragement for others. But when it’s me, I don’t know which end is up.
So, this morning, I’m giving me a pep talk. It’s by me, for me. But it’s also for you, if you happen to be a parent who is also in need of a pep talk.
If you were sitting across my table having coffee with me, telling me how weary you are from the incessant battles of parenting your teen, scared for what the next four years and beyond might bring, this is exactly what I’d tell you:
1. Be Strong. Don’t avoid confrontation because it’s uncomfortable. When your child makes unwise choices—and she will—it’s not a reflection of your bad parenting. It’s a reflection of her immaturity, combined with her sin-nature. It’s a reflection of her need for parental guidance and clear boundaries.
Though every-last impulse inside her maturing brain tells her she does not need you, she does. She needs (needs!) a stronger, wiser adult to guide her.
You are that Stronger, Wiser Adult.
And when she recoils at your instruction —and she will— this is not the time to second-guess every boundary you just put in place and every consequence you just implemented. It’s time to stand firm and confident that you’ve done the right thing.
And even if the “right” thing ends up being the“wrong”thing—even if you make a mistake and over-react
or under-react
or put up the wrong boundary
too high or two low
or let your emotions override your better judgment
or hold on too tightly
or too loosely
or yell at the wrong kid because he’s an easy target
or crumble before your face hits the carpet behind locked doors…
God’s grace is sufficient to cover every parenting mistake. Every. last. one. Oh, thank God for His grace. What would parents do without it?
And BTW, you are not (repeat, NOT) permanently harming your child when you take away a cell phone for the day.
Or restrict internet usage.
Or forbid a certain social media outlet (or all of them) for now or for as long as you see fit.
Or insist she participate in household chores.
Or make her miss the sleep-over.
Or require that she stay seated at the table until everyone is finished with dinner.
Or ask that she respond with “yes m’am” instead of rolled eyes.
Yes, she will fight you and huff at you and blame you for ruining her life or her weekend or her evening. She will accuse you of embarrassing her. She will misread and misunderstand your motives. She will use her best hyperbole to attempt to convince you that you are extreme and terrible and clueless…and tell all her friends that you are extreme and terrible and clueless…but it doesn’t matter.
You are The Parent.
You hear God’s voice for this child and seek Him daily for His wisdom. Sure, she will make you feel like you have lost your ever-loving mind. And she may make you temporarily question your sanity or at least the sanity of the choice you made. You may need a break
or a friend
or a glass of wine
but you are not crazy.
You are The Parent.
2. Apologize. There will be times when you make a mistake. You will make them daily, probably. So what? It’s fine. We all make them. And when you do, here’s what you do: go directly to your child and admit you were wrong, humbly, sincerely. Model for her the humility and sincerity that God expects from you and from her.
Because, really, isn’t that ultimately what you want her to be? Humble? Sincere?
In your mistake-making, The Enemy will try to convince you you’ve irreparably damaged your integrity and/or your Christian witness and/or your relationship with your child.
Parent, that is a LIE. A lie from the Pit of Hell. (Which consequently, is also where middle school was created.)
One of the most compelling arguments for the amazing grace of God is the way He so freely forgives and restores when we make mistakes. God uses those mistakes to sift you and refine you and strengthen you. Please don’t fear mistakes.
3. Mine for Gold. Every day, dig and dig until you find ANY reason to celebrate your teen. It’s not easy when you are blinded by a trashed bedroom and erratic emotions. But dig, you must. This adult-child is the display of God’s splendor. Hand-crafted by the Master. Useful. Precious. Uncover the beauty in her—the beauty even she, herself, fails to see.
Did you know the same Enemy that’s been whispering into your ear that you suck as a Parent is also whispering into hers that she sucks as a Kid?
Dust off the gold, polish it up, and present to her what you’ve extracted:
Thank you for being on time this morning. I know you were up late working on that report.
I heard you speaking kindly to your brother. That was nice.
Thank you for straightening up your room .
I love when you enjoy time with the family.
Great job on your Chemistry test.
I’m proud of you for making it through this school year. I know it wasn’t easy.
I think it’s great that you reached out to your friend when she was hurting.
You look beautiful with your hair like that.
I saw the way you encouraged that girl on Instagram. You are a great witness for Christ.
Thank you for playing with your little sister while I worked in the house. It really helped me.
Mine and dig and extract with every bit as much passion and backbone as you do the boundary-setting and consequence-implementing. This will balance it all out and let your teen know she is safe, even if she does feel like she is temporarily imprisoned.
4. Tell her often, “There is nothing you can do or say that will make me love you more or less than I already do.” It’s good for her to hear. It’s good for YOU to hear.
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Hang in there, Parent.
Cling to Jesus, always.
Cry in the carpet, as needed.
You are not alone.
And you are doing a fantastic job.
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Sandy,
This is one of your best blog post! I seriously cried while reading it. I feel your pain and I love your advice. Thank God for grace! I love you and thank you for being so real.
Angie,
Thank you dear friend. I was a little nervous about saying, “What the hell” but then I figured “What the hell?” ha ha.
I hope it resonates with others as well. 🙂 Love you.
That very thing is what makes me wish I knew you for real. For real! This was a fantastic post…one that I needed to read. We are only at age 12, and we homeschool…but I am afraid for the coming years. I don’t need to be. I just need to lean. And to know God myself. Thank you for the encouragement!!
And I have been catching up on your blog, and I hope you do a follow-up on the dress situation. Your writing makes me laugh out loud. 🙂
Christina recently posted..Good Game, She Says
Really wanted to stress I’m just lucky that i came on the page!
Jodie recently posted..Jodie
Thank you, Jodie. I’m glad you came here, too.
You made it through middle school, mom. Strong work and great advise. From a mom who is way ahead of you (read that … old) – my girls are my best friends. We survived the battles. It was worth it.
Fondly,
Glenda
Glenda Childers recently posted..The Childers Wedding Bakery
I’m always encouraged to hear that people come out of this phase of life alive. Thanks, Glenda!
Thank you, Sandy. I’m nervous about high school, too (one year left -yikes!) And then a second one in middle school the same year. And then one more in middle school. Double yikes.
I’m sorry it’s been such a rough road during middle school. It’s possible your other two will sail right through and that high school will be a completely different (and great!) experience for your oldest. Prayer, prayers, prayers 🙂
Thanks for being so transparent – not that I can relate to crying on the carpet. I hide in the bathroom and sob on the tile floor, old-school 😉
Summer – ahhh, deep cleansing breath!
So funny you say, “Maybe your other two will sail right through…” I was just thinking the other day when I looked at Elliana–“Hooray!!! I get a do-over!”
fingers crossed.
I don’t normally comment on blogs, but this post really resonated with me. I am reading it as i sit next to my preteen who starts middle schoolin the fall and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for being so open.
I always love when people take the time to comment. Especially those who don’t normally. So, thank you Jen. 🙂 Praying you all the strength and wisdom you need to make it through middle school victoriously. 🙂
I am filing this one in my bookmarks. Like on the toolbar. Because this mama needs some of your mama encouragement to get through this summer!
Jen Ferguson recently posted..Everyday Jesus: Even From the Other Side
Summer is hard. Hang in there, Mom.
Sandy, thank you for reminding us that sometimes it’s hard to find which way is up! How do those kids do that to us? I so agree with your advice. When they are fighting you is when they need you the most. They are trying to figure out who they are and they so need us to stand firm, because if we don’t, who will? I’m with you! I feel like the teen years are just like the terrible two’s, just with bigger bodies. They think they can do everything “all by myself”, but they really do need our constant guidance and supervision! Great post!
Olivia Brant recently posted..How To Run a Good Race
Yes, the teen years ARE just like the Terrible Two’s with bigger bodies. All part of normal development–but so very, very hard. Thanks for your input.
Hi Sandy,
I was the one talking to you on FB about being a Fantastic parent. My daughter, who will be a Sophomore next year, had a good Middle school experience. But my middle son, who is going into 6th grade is ALL READY encountering issues with aggressive girls. What the heck??? If you get a chance, check out my last blog entry about kids texting and face time on my blog. It is a scary and sad thing. These girls have no sense of themselves unless validated by the text of a boy. I am not sure how to raise my boys chivalrous as they don’t actually speak face to face and only meet each other places (no need to open doors, pull out chairs, etc). My daughter has a great head on her shoulders and has YET to have a boyfriend, she is almost 16 and dare I say, really cute! It’s a whole different world and it is new to me as to how to raise my kids. Thanks for your blog!!
Cathy Hart
Hi Cathy! Good point about the difficulties in teaching kids how to interact with real people when all their communications are on-line. We are having a terrible time navigating all this social media as well. I plan to write about it at some point, but I feel more lost than I do helpful at this point.
So nice chatting with you. 🙂
Sandy, I appreciate your wisdom and your honesty here. My firstborn is four years from leaping from the nest, too; and this summer I feel suddenly overwhelmed with all I need to do to launch him well. Seems like just yesterday I was trying to figure out how to keep him safe as he toddled the yard, now I am trying to figure out how to loosen my grip and let him go. Glad we were neighbors at the SDG party this week!
Alicia@theOverflow! recently posted..Missing Teeth and Leaps of Faith (For Any Mom Who Doesn’t Feel Ready For Summer!)
Yep. And it seems so soon to be loosening the grip, doesn’t it?
Oh how I love you, Mrs. Cooper! I needed your pep talk today…and need to revisit it regularly over the coming years.
This line shouted off the screen at me: This adult-child is the display of God’s splendor. Hand-crafted by the Master. Useful. Precious. Uncover the beauty in her—the beauty even she, herself, fails to see.
Did I mention how much I love you? Thank you for sharing your heart, your struggles, your joys, and God’s truths.
E. Tyler Rowan recently posted..Created for One Purpose
I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sandy……stumbled upon this when I googled “not a fan of my kid texting or facetiming”……….THANK YOU FOR BLOGGING THIS! It’s as if the internet God’s read my mind and scared self and sent this to me! haha Not feeling so alone anymore and you reminded me to follow through with rules/discipline. Thank you 🙂