As I sat in the folding chair, gazing through the large viewing window, I watched my tiny ballerina point her toes and move gracefully through her first position into tondue. Or was it fondue? Or plie? I have no earthly clue, seeing as my entire history of dance began in the 1980’s, where I and my friends gathered in nightclubs-turned-teen-spots, and be-bopped to Get into the Groove. I’d like to say I’m slightly more cultured than that, but I’d be lying.
Anyhoo, there stood my little Elliana, shoulder-to-shoulder with five other preschoolers, learning proper form and technique under the careful instruction of Miss Nelly, their dance teacher. Between toe taps and leg raises, Elliana turned around, scrunched her face into an exaggerated smile and waved wildly at me, just to make sure I was still watching. She makes me giggle with that scrunchy nose.
In my complete and utter love for that child, I admired her flawless dark skin—so unlike mine (which is fair and sun-damaged); her shiny straight black hair—the complete opposite of mine (which is blond-turning gray and wavy); and her chubby thighs—exactly like mine.
Sharing neither our genetic make-up nor our country of origin, chances are absolutely zero she will look anything like me, ever in her life. Unless, of course, she hangs on to those thighs.
And neither will she ever look like anyone else…
Every one of those five little dancers had a size and shape unique to themselves. The little girl next to Elliana was a full head taller with pink skin and sun-bleached blond hair. The girl on the other side of her was petite, with curly brown hair and legs so thin they looked like they could crack if she landed too hard from her tiny leap. Different shapes and sizes. Different hair types and physical features.
And the most striking thing to me that day, was that none of them could have cared less.
Here were five little girls in their purest, most undefiled form. No dieting. No implants. No highlights or tanning beds. None of them had been affected by the cover of Glamour or an episode of What Not to Wear. None of them had ever experienced the sting of rejection because of the size of her nose, her feet or her rear end.
None of them looked anything like the girl standing by her side. Yet each one was entirely gorgeous and at the same time entirely oblivious to their distinctions.
It hurts my heart to think in the not-too-distant future, Elliana may come to despise her olive-toned skin or may want to perm and/or highlight that shiny black hair. I wonder if she will encounter racial prejudice because of her ethnicity or unfair wages because of her gender. I wonder if a mean-spirited child will someday call her “short” or “fat” or “ugly.”
Why do we do it to each other? To ourselves? Why do we take our uniquely made bodies and insist they conform to society’s single image of perfection? Why do we straighten our curly hair and curl our straight hair? Why do we tan our light skin? Bleach our dark hair? Blush our pale cheeks? Why do we wear high heels to lengthen our legs and structured jackets to minimize our waistlines? Who decided that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie were the standard of perfection?
That’s right. Brad Pitt. But who decided that we all had to listen to Brad Pritt?
I remember in a college psychology class seeing an old documentary from 1968, where Jane Elliot, a teacher from an all-white Iowa town, divided her third-grade class into blue-eyed and brown-eyed groups. During part of the week, the blue-eyed children got special treatment: they got to sit in the front of the class, they got treats and rewards, they got extra recess time, while the brown-eyed students did not. Then later in the week, the teacher switched the class, and the brown eyes got all the special treatment while the blue eyes did not. Talk about a lesson in discrimination.
As a young Christian in a secular college watching this program, I was forever changed. I will never forget the image of a little boy sitting alone in the corner of his classroom crying, simply because someone called him “brown eyes.” I vowed that day that I would never, ever judge another person by a physical feature.
Just the other day, my older daughter came home from middle school sullen and sad. Why? Because three people that day called her “short.” Never mind her long wavy blond hair, her stunning blue eyes, her dazzling smile, her kind-hearted mannerisms, her intellect and wit, her spunk and energy, her ability to calm an animal and play the violin, or her tender heart toward the Lord. Never mind all of that. Someone decided she wasn’t tall enough. Someone decided her height was an issue. Someone decided to judge her against Society’s Standard of Perfection.
It wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last. I just pray for God to equip me as a parent and follower of Christ to respond with grace and love.
Oh Lord, in a world where we glamorize the most ridiculous things—plump lips and polished toenails, of all things—where the superficial is erected far above the eternal every single day, please teach us to value what You value. To cultivate the fruit of the Spirit more than we cultivate the appearance of our aging complexions.
In a nation where we cannot drive more than a few hundred yards without billboards screaming “YOU DON’T HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY” teach us to remember that we have YOU, and YOU are all we will ever need to be happy.
Lord, I pray you teach me how to respond properly to this sinful, fallen and sadly mistaken world, so I can show my girls how to find their value in You and only You.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. (John 4:16-17)
Hi Sandy.
Amen! Awesome post. It's weird how I keep bumping into this issue… just yesterday I watched a sermon about 'comparison'. The pastor (Robert Morris from Gateway Church in Southlake, TX) said that 'comparison is the highest form of ingratitude to God.' He made the point that when we are longing for the marriages/bodies/lives of other people… we are not being thankful for what God has given us. It was powerful. If you want to listen to the sermon, I can send you the link. Also, the Proverbs 31 devotional today was on this very topic. Is God trying to say something to me about this? I think so 🙂
Elliana is beautiful.
Have a great day,
Kate 🙂
I loved reading this. Beauty has been on my mind a lot lately. I keep talking with God about needing a beauty make-over, like in the form of a new definition, not really changing myself, but being able to see the beauty in me. I don't ever remember questioning it or being in competition in my younger years, but I don't remember having the confidence either, kind of oblivious really or just that I never considered myself beautiful, but I was ok with me. I'm not a high heel, make-up wearing fashionista and sometimes I wish I was. I'm just so lost when it comes to that world and maybe it's a good thing, but just struggling to see my own beauty… and I thought this was a teenage girl problem. 🙂
This was a great post, Sandy!
as a mommy to 3 little girls, I loved this. I dread the day their world becomes "flawed" but am also reminded it's a flawed world that sends us to Jesus. Oh I pray my girls learn that truth too . . .
I can so relate to all that you were saying here. In fact, yesterday I was lurking on Facebook and found myself feeling as though I had wasted a good part of my life waiting for something to happen while my highschool counter parts had traveled the world, or are married, or have these cool careers, or did this or did that. And I felt awkward and a little bit of a loser because my life seemed so blah and ordinary, boring and unaccomplished.
Today, I was tagged in a picture from last year. Last year when I was in the first part of my recovery from post adoption and just getting my head above water. My hair was BLAH, my face was BLAH. And I looked in the mirror at my newly highlighted hair, made up face, and wished that somehow we could photoshop that picture of me with a friend.
I found myself this weekend basing how I felt about myself on what others thought or how much they validated me. And let's just say…I wasn't feeling all that great. Which lead to the trip to the beauty salon, hair treatment and great nails. And while sitting there, my 2 devotionals both said the same thing. in a loose translation: girl, ya gotta toughen up.
And so today before I even read this, I was meditating on focusing on Who Christ Says I Am. And on teaching that to my son. And then you go and write this.
Thanks for the confirmation. And for allowing God to use to remind me that He isn't "sleeping" on the job.
Great post. I actually participated in a diversity seminar in which we were separated in to groups based on eye color – blue, brown & green. The green eyes were the minority (me), and got nothing. No attention from the facilitator, no supplies to complete the tasks required, any comments that were made were ridiculed. It was eye opening to say the least.
Lori
I added myself to follow your blog. You are more than welcome to visit mine and become a follower if you want to.
God Bless You ~Ron
It is a high privilege as a mom to do, one of our jobs, to help our kids "contain" life . . . actually act as a container. (idea from the book The Mom Factor by Cloud and Townsend).
I believe your girls will so benefit from your Godly thinking and you will help them contain the silly name calling. Put it in perspective. They are so fortunate to have a thinking Godly mom to walk through life with them.
Your thoughts help us, too. Thanks for sharing.
Fondly,
Glenda
P.S. Darling picture.
This is very true. And very sad.
I went through high school bullying coz i was fat (strangely during my thinnest time) and had skew teeth. A girl in my class told me id get nowhere in life coz of my skew teeth.
In all fairness i am nowhere. I dont have a job or a house (we live with my mom) but i am happy!!?! To me thats counts A HEAP LOAD more than "where" i am in life!
I no longer read beauty magazines as i feel fat and ugly. I read the Your Family about caring for family, kids, DIY, crafts, gardening, etc.
I have chubby thighs, skew teeth and a bruised toe. If you dont like it go fly. My mama told me that <3
Amen! You're mother heart speaks to mine. I pray with you for wisdom.
This is my first visit to your blog (through your comment at Stars and Chilies). Glad I stopped by!
Look forward to reading more 😉
-Kim
O sweet Sandy. You make my heart smile for you this day.
Love,love, and more love to you. That is all that does matter.
Blessings!
Dottie
Thank you for speaking the truth!
Amen and pass the pie! I'm not 19 any more, why do I expect my waistline to look like I am? I'm not unhealthy. I'm just 40, darn it!
This is a great article, and a great topic to explore. Thanks for sharing.