Finding Your Holiday Balance, Part Two: Steering Clear of the Comparison Trap

I have never met a woman who does not struggle with comparison on some level. She may exist, but I’ve never met her, is all I’m saying. We already know that falling into the Comparison Trap steals our joy on a regular day, but did you know it can actually ruin the holidays? This is because everything in December gets cranked up and concentrated and intensified. That little distraction of comparison that causes you to veer out of your lane every so often on a normal day will propel you straight into oncoming traffic and cause a head-on collision over the holidays.

So, today I’m giving you Four Common Holiday Comparison Traps, followed by a few strategies to help you avoid them.

1. Picture-perfect Fake Holidays — or — Dysfunctional Family Gatherings

Holiday expectations (at least in the U.S.) have these two distinct narratives.

The Picture Perfect Fake Holiday involves a mash-up of the following images: chestnuts roasting on an open fire; a thick white layer of fresh-fallen snow; excited children with sparkly eyes in matching pjs; magical(?); a new car in the driveway (preferably a Lexus) with a giant red bow on top –alternatively– a tiny box with an expensive piece of diamond jewelry inside (placed lovingly into your hand by your husband who has the perfect 5-o’clock shadow and also matching pjs); and a loving multi-generational family wearing cozy sweaters gathered around a large table as the Honey Baked Ham and Pillsbury crescent rolls (steaming hot) are placed in the center. The lighting, warm, and the tablescape…flawless. This image may or may not involve a puppy, depending on how you feel about dogs.

On the other end of the extreme is Disaster and Dysfunction: crazy alcoholic Uncle Bob saying inappropriate things while sipping spiked eggnog; your controlling and perfectly coiffed mother-in-law insisting you drag your small children away from their gifts on Christmas morning to celebrate at her meticulously decorated home on the other end of town (because this is how we’ve always done it) while she also criticizes your parenting skills and/or your current weight; stress and debt and chaos and destructive family dynamics, all reminding you of why you moved to the other end of town and hate Christmas with a red-hot passion.

How to Avoid This Trap

May I submit that real-life holidays are neither extreme? At least not entirely. For most of us, they are a balance of both. A little magical and a little crazy. They fall somewhere in between, with elements of the two extremes living side-by-side.

It may be that you have a delicious dinner display on your dining room table, while at the exact same time, your relatives are having a heated and divisive argument in the driveway over politics.

That’s normal. That’s okay.

Don’t judge the success or failure of your holiday based on either narrative. Most of these ideas were planted in our minds by song lyrics, movie scripts, and marketing campaigns anyway. Going into this month with realistic expectations will help you enjoy the magic while also dismissing the chaos.

2. Other People Who Do the Holiday-Thing Better Than You

Maybe your sister has the best house for hosting, while you are stuck in a one-bedroom rental.

Maybe your mom always makes the perfect dessert spread, while you have never baked a batch of cookies without burning them.

Maybe your brother shows up with his well-behaved and polite kids, while yours are glued to their phones and refuse to make eye-contact.

How to Avoid This Trap

Well, for one, you can ask your sister to host the event and encourage your mom to bring the desserts. Everyone is good at something–why not release people do what they love and go where they thrive? Let them shine. Lavish them with affirmation. Be their biggest fans.

At the gathering, sit down next to those perfectly-poised nieces and nephews and have a life-giving conversation with them. Love the HECK out of those kids. Find out what makes them tick. Tell them funny stories from your youth. Ask them lots of questions. I guarantee, they are fighting battles just like your kids are — they feel insecure and uncertain and scared, just like your kids. They need cheerleaders, not judges. Then, pull your brother aside and say, “You’re doing a great job with your children. I always knew you’d be a great dad. I’m proud of you.”

In other words, shine the spotlight as brightly as you can on the people you love. This is one of the most effective strategies for successfully avoiding the Comparison Trap.

Meanwhile, you find the thing you love to do, and get busy becoming great at it.

3. Social Media

These were my literal thoughts last December while viewing Facebook:

Oh my gosh, she had professional photos taken and has the cutest card!
She bought all her presents and had them wrapped and under the tree by December 1!
She baked the most beautiful cookies with her kids—and made ginger bread houses!
She hosted a fancy Christmas party in her home and made all the food herself!
She went to New York City and attended the Macy’s Parade!
She attended the Nutcracker with her girls!
took the kids ice skating…
went to a live manger…
did donuts with Santa…
gave presents to a needy family…
went to the Bahamas…
snuggled with her children with hot chocolate and watched Christmas movies…
attended Christmas Eve Candlelight Service…
made homemade gifts for all the teachers…
did acts of kindness every day during Advent…
hosted a cookie exchange…
hid that freaking Elf on the Shelf every blessed day!

Then, I took each of those twenty things that twenty different people did, and I morphed them into ONE FAKE PERSON. One fake person who is seemingly perfect, doing all the things during the holidays.

Am I the only one who does this?

How to Avoid This Trap

This one is simple: Stay off social media if you know it is toxic to you. I have never regretted stepping away from social media during the holidays — or any time I know it’s making me cray-cray. You probably have a hundred good reasons to stay, but I think avoiding something that drives you crazy trumps them all. I promise, it will be okay. Most people don’t even notice when you take a break anyway. (Is it the algorythms or is she taking a break? Who knows? Who cares?)

4. What We Did Last Year/What We’ve Always Done

We always travel to grandmas. We always decorate cookies. We always send Christmas cards. We always gather with extended family on New Year’s Eve and do a White Elephant Gift Exchange beginning youngest to oldest, except on Leap Year when we do reverse order…

When something goes well, it’s understandable that you’d to try to recreate it year after year. But holding all holidays to the standard of Christmas Past is just another sneaky version of The Comparison Trap.

How to Avoid This Trap

It’s impossible to compare yourself and your holiday celebration to any version of your past and remain joyful at the same time. Families change. Kids grow up. People die. People move. People divorce and remarry. Life is constantly evolving. Change is normal and healthy.

(Notice, I didn’t say change is easy. It’s not. It’s super hard.)

The best way to approach your people on any day –but especially over the holidays — is to love them where they are today. Not where they were. Not where you want them to be. This requires a deliberate mindset shift. It means saying, “I loved what we’ve done all these years, where my people were, etc” and at the exact same time, saying, “And while things are different now, I will love and appreciate the stage we are in now.”

Don’t be afraid to drop old traditions and try something new. You may discover you or your family like something even better. Or maybe they all secretly hated the White Elephant Gift Exchange after all, and were afraid to tell you! And now they are tickled pink that you’ve decided to draw names or forgo gifts instead. Flexibility and creativity are two essential life-skills and this is the time to hone them.

***

A little note from me: In Finding Your Holiday Balance, Part One, I said I’d be posting every week-ish. Well, I’m super proud of myself for adding the “ish” to that promise, because it took me exactly three weeks to publish Part Two. I realize none of you are looking at your calendars wondering why I’m not publishing the next part. But I hate to appear irresponsible or flakey, so…Just know, a lot of life is happening between these posts, and I’m over here trying my hardest to find my own Holiday Balance so I can help you find yours.

See you next week for Part Three!

Maybe. 🙂

***

If you want to learn more about the Comparison Trap, I’ve written two whole chapters about it in my book, Finding Your Balance. It would make a great Christmas gift for the woman in your life who feels overwhelmed and stretched. Or for you…

Finding Your Holiday Balance, Part One: Your Holiday To-Don’t List

If you struggle with balance on a regular day, the holiday season — with all its obligations and expectations — can send you into complete and utter chaos. What is aggressively marketed as The Most Wonderful Time of the Year feels more like stress and debt and five pounds of fat around your midsection.

Ask me how I know this.

A few weeks ago, I asked you, “What is your biggest struggle with balance over the holidays?” Apparently, I’m not the only one who struggles with holiday balance. Your answers ran the full gamut, from finances to family dynamics, from busyness to boundaries. I’m sorry/not sorry you have so many balance issues this time of year. Sorry, because I love you and hate to see you struggle. Not sorry, because I’m happy I’m not alone.

Turns out, the holidays tend to reveal whatever balance issues we’ve had all year long — only they’re bigger and sparklier and involve baked goods.

Balance is a spiritual condition (peace) whereby we know our priorities (what we should do) and live our priorities (how we should do it) through freedom in Christ (using our God-given gifts and talents, while also understanding and respecting our limitations). ~Finding Your Balance~

I, for one, would love to get to January, reflect back, and think, “That was a beautiful and meaningful holiday season.” But I know in order for that to happen, I must be very intentional about it. For me, Holiday Balance won’t happen accidentally.

So, today, I’m starting a series that will run weekly-ish through New Year’s Day. This is for all of us who need some help getting a grip, so we can move through the next six weeks with our peace and priorities firmly in place.

In this series, we will hit Holiday Balance from every angle and in no particular order…

Establishing and maintaining family traditions
Moving through seasons of loss and change
Keeping a handle on the finances and figuring out how much is too much
Enjoying holiday food without adding holiday pounds
Steering clear of the Comparison Trap
People Pleasing, weird family dynamics, and establishing some good boundaries
Perfectionism and unrealistic expectations
Busyness — how to deal with holiday events on top of an already overly-busy life
Keeping Christ the center of it all, because He is all that really matters

First Things First

We will never achieve balance (peace to live out our priorities) if we try to do everything. So, the first thing we must do is decide what we WON’T do. Balance is about saying no to good things so we can say yes to better things. It’s looking at everything on the plate and scraping half of it into the garbage (or maybe putting it into a tupperware container for later).

Balance requires prayerful neglect.

Think about the traditions you want to preserve and the events or activities that mean the most to you and your family, and guard those with your life. Everything else is negotiable.

As families grow and change, so will your cherished traditions. Don’t become so rigid that you can’t let things go from year to year. This isn’t life or death — it’s Thanksgiving and Christmas. Perspective is important while we make our plans.

For me, I have about four family traditions I am guarding this year. They are simple things we do almost every year that all my kids talk about and look forward to:

Serving the homeless on Thanksgiving morning.
Decorating our home for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving, while I make homemade soup, and we bust out the Christmas music.
Christmas Eve pasta shells (I know…weird Christmas Eve food. I started this as a newlywed because it was one of about three dinners I knew how to cook), and then driving around to look at Christmas lights.
Traveling to our hometown later that week to celebrate with aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.

We do lots of other things, too. But none of them are sacred, and none of them are too important to toss off the agenda from one year to the next.

With those few activities firmly in place, I consider everything else based on its life-giving/life-sucking value. If it’s life-sucking, it goes directly on The Holiday To-Don’t List. If it’s life-giving, or is super-meaningful to my husband or children, I try to fit it in somewhere.

Your Holiday To-Don’t List should be uniquely yours. Only you know what sucks life out of you and what makes your heart sing.

If you love writing out personal greetings and addressing envelopes, then you probably should send Christmas cards. If you love baking, then make lots and lots of cookies. If you love decorating your entire house in October or shopping at 3 am on Black Friday or wearing a sparkly dress at a fancy party while you ring in the New Year, then, by all means, get jiggy with it.

But if any of that makes you want to crawl in a hole and die, you should consider adding it to your Holiday To Don’t List.

After prayerful consideration, here are some items on my 2018 Holiday To-Don’t List:

Make food no one will eat. Yes, everyone I know serves that green bean casserole with the cream of mushroom soup and fried onions; and yes, every year I have tried to add some sort of green vegetable to the table. But since my family prefers to eat mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, turkey, and stuffing on Thanksgiving, then I’m making that. It’s one meal. They will live.

Eat food I will later regret. By all means, I very much plan to eat holiday treats. But there’s a fine line between “enjoying a piece of pie” and “eating a pie.” I know where that line is, and I’m not crossing it this year.

Over-buy for my kids. This one is so hard for me. I’ll think I’m finished shopping…and then I’ll take inventory and realize one kid has two more presents than everyone else. So, I’ll shop again to even things out, only to realize one kid has several big gifts, but another kid is getting mostly socks and books. So, I’ll hop on Amazon and order something for the socks/book kid to even things out, etc, etc, etc. No one needs more stuff. No one wants to cram more things into the closets. This year, I will buy meaningful gifts the kids need and want, and I will not buy too much.

Attend events I don’t want to attend. There is no law saying I must attend every holiday event to which I receive an invitation. Amen.

Do any “tradition” out of obligation. Christmas cards? Baking 13 dozen cookies? Stringing lights across every bush in the front yard? If it doesn’t bring me great joy and happiness (or bring my very favorite people great joy and happiness) then I’m not doing it.

Let social media decide when I should listen to Christmas music, decorate my home, have my presents bought and wrapped, say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. I get to decide all of this. In fact, because social media tends to steal my joy over the holidays, I will be spending very limited time there. (Take THAT, Facebook and Instagram!)

Skip healthy meals, exercise, or rest so I can “get Christmas stuff done.” I have fallen into this trap many times in Christmas Past. Neglecting self-care makes me crabby and unpleasant to be around. This does not serve my family well, as you might imagine.

***

Q4U: What’s one thing that you’re putting on your 2018 Holiday To-Don’t List?

***

If you’d like to read more about the importance of the To-Don’t List here are a few more posts I’ve written on the subject.

What I Prayerfully Neglect for the Sake of Balance

Revisiting My To-Don’t List

I Don’t Have Enough Time

***

If you’d like to learn more about finding your balance year ’round, I’ve written a book about that. You can buy it here. Finding Your Balance

Balance Tip: Consider Your Future Self

Present-Moment Sandy often gets irritated with Past Sandy.

Present-Moment Sandy (we’ll go ahead and call her PMS….you know…because she’s irritated) will wake up to a sink full of dishes and think, “Darn you, Past Sandy! Why didn’t you wash these yesterday?”

PMS will walk into the bedroom, see the unmade bed, and get all judgy about Past Sandy “Again? Did she do nothing this morning? Is Past Sandy too good to take the five minutes necessary to make the bed? Who does Past Sandy think she is?”

The sad irony is that PMS does the exact same thing to Future Sandy! She leaves things undone for Future Sandy to do. (This is getting complicated…stick with me.)

PMS, will see the mail pile sitting on the counter begging to be sorted. But instead of taking the two minutes necessary to complete the chore, she’ll decide to be true to the present moment.

The mail pile will be here tomorrow. This moment is not for sorting mail! No! This moment is for LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST! *insert inspirational soundtrack here*

She’ll do the same with the laundry pile. And the shoe pile. PMS decides All The Piles are much too insignificant to tend to in the present moment (because a tidy house is the sign of a misspent life or something), so she leaves them, undone, for Future Sandy.

Therefore, in the moment, PMS despises doing the tasks Past Sandy neglected, while at the exact same time, loves leaving tasks undone for Future Sandy.

Confused by all the Sandys and all the moments?

Let me clarify:

Ignoring a chore and leaving it for later is so decadent. Procrastination is truly wonderful in the moment! It’s so gratifying to take a deep breath and say, “It’ll be there tomorrow…I’ll worry about it then. Instead, I’ll create a meme about the importance of living in the moment and post it to my social media accounts.”

As a card-carrying Rule Follower and generally organized and disciplined person, I feel a little rebellious when I look a sink full of dishes in the eye and say, “Not today, dishes!”

But rarely am I pleased with myself when I do so. In the end, it’s never quite as satisfying as what I imagined. I never wake up and say, “WOW! I’m soooo glad I left the kitchen a complete disaster so I could walk in to a mess and try to clean it now that the food has cemented onto the plates. That was so worth it. I’ll ignore my dishes after every meal from now on.”

No, instead I end up, first of all: shocked. Because I tend to forget I rebelled against the dishes yesterday.

Next: irritated. Because I don’t really have time to chisel food off plates before I start making breakfast for the kids at 6:45 am.

Then: under-my-breath self-loathing. Because I procrastinated, and procrastination didn’t make my life any simpler in the long run. Procrastination actually bit me in the butt.

After repeating this cycle dozens of times, I finally decided to consider my Future Self.

Will she want to come home to this later?

Wake up to this tomorrow?

Walk in on this a few hours from now?

Will she be happy that I left this for her?

If the answer is “no,” I buck up and do the task right away. If I have the power, ability, and time to do so, I do so.

I take five minutes to stop the car and fill up the gas tank, so Future Sandy doesn’t need to rush around in the morning.

I take two minutes to make the bed, so Future Sandy can walk into an orderly bedroom later.

I take one minute and set up the coffee pot, so Future (tired) Sandy can wake up and simply press “start.”

I take ten seconds to rinse off the plate and put it in the dishwasher, so Future Sandy can cook dinner in a clean kitchen.

I take five seconds to lay out clothes for the morning, so Future Sandy doesn’t have to stumble through the dark bedroom and make wardrobe decisions before coffee.

I take two seconds to stop at the recycle bin and drop in the junk mail, so Future Sandy doesn’t have to sort through a giant pile at the end of the week.

Is it mildly inconvenient to complete tasks right away rather than ignore them?

Yep.

But it is much more comfortable than coming face-to-face with the undone task later…and (surprise!) still needing to complete it.

It’ll be there tomorrow, sure. But it will be there on top of all the tasks of tomorrow. Just do it now. #bettermeme

Consider your Future Self, like she’s another person, separate from you.

What would increase her happiness and peace? What would give her that little boost of energy early in the morning? What would set her up for a successful day? What would help her unwind in the evening? What would she be so thankful that you took the time to do instead of leaving it for her?

Do that thing. Be extra kind to her. You never know what your Future Self may be dealing with.

Weekend Links {23} and a life update

Apparently, I’ve been remiss in keeping up with Weekend Links. The last version, Weekend Links {22}, was published in March—of 2017!!!!!!

Ahem.

You may be asking yourself, “What in heaven’s name is Sandy doing with all her time, if not curating for us a weekly list of worthy weekend reading material?????”

And that brings me to the theme of Weekend Links {23} and the answer to that question:

Update on Sandy’s Life:

Well, since my last post, May happened.

When kids are still in school, May is just a whole thing…mostly a blur…I don’t know.

June was a month of extremes.

On the good extreme, Jon and I took advantage of our two youngest kids being at church camp during the same week and flew to New York City to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary a little early. In 21 years of parenting, we have never, ever been away from our kids longer than 3 nights. This is mainly because we don’t live near family, so leaving longer than that involves paying someone a crap-load of money to live at my house for days and cart my children everywhere, or it means farming out kids to various homes. It aways seems like more trouble than it’s worth.

But, alas, 25 years of marriage is worthy of a proper celebration…so we did. We will celebrate again in October, for our actual anniversary. Because: omg…25 years!

On the bad extreme, my brother Mark died, suddenly, unexpectedly.

This happened days before our NYC trip, so we ended up going on our trip, coming home, and immediately leaving for Ohio for the funeral.

Mark was 12 years older than me, never married, had no kids.

Of the seven kids, he is #3…I’m #7.

Since my dad died last summer, Mark and I texted almost daily.

He was insanely intelligent, musical, opinionated, kind, and hilarious.

I miss him so much.

***

In the midst of all of that, I’ve being speaking and writing a little here and there.

Everything Sandy Has Been Working On:

1. On Mother’s Day, I had the distinct privilege of speaking to our congregation at my church. I have spoken many times at my church (to the women, teaching Wednesday night classes, leading Bible Study, even sharing the stage with several other women on a Sunday morning), but never had my pastor given me the entire sermon to address our congregation on a Sunday morning. It was so fun.

Since it was Mother’s Day, I spoke specifically to all the tired moms and the people who love them (this includes everyone). If you are a tired mom, and you have people in your life who love you, encourage them to listen. You may also want to slip this under your husband’s pillow and play it while he sleeps.

You can listen in here:

How to Breathe Life into a Tired Mom

2. A few weeks ago, a freelance writer contacted me regarding a post I wrote back in 2001 (Sam-e For Depression) where I talked about my success in using Sam-e to manage my depression. She called and interviewed me, and then used my story in her article.

You can read her article here:

Everything You Need to Know About Using Sam-e For Depression.

3. Last week, I was interviewed by my new friend, Nickilee Gurovich, on The Healthy Happy Mommy Podcast. We talked all about my book, Finding Your Balance, chatted about priorities, gratitude, learning to say ‘no,’ and really zeroed on on Comparison. It was such a fun conversation!

You can listen or watch here:

listen to us on the podcast

watch us on YouTube

4. In case you missed this, I wrote a guest post for The Glorious Table about what my daughter Elliana is teaching me about approaching God.

You can read that here:

When We Ask

5. And finally, I learned something valuable this month: it takes me approximately 273 hours of focused work to create an online quiz–give or take.

No, seriously.

I love taking online quizzes (I mean, how else would I know what Disney Princess I am?) and so I had this crazy idea that I’d create one for you! Except I sorely misjudged the amount of time it would take to create. I thought maybe a day or two, tops.

Little did I know, creating that darn quiz was all I would do for two weeks straight.

It was so. much. work.

But, it’s finished now!

Yay!

(she says, as she lies breathless and sweaty on the ground…her kids, glassy-eyed…foraging around in the pantry for food…).

If you haven’t taken it yet, you can take it here:

Sandy

The Scoop on Balance

Finding Your Holiday Balance, Part Two: Steering Clear of the Comparison Trap

Finding Your Holiday Balance, Part One: Your Holiday To-Don’t List

Balance Tip: Consider Your Future Self

How Routines Help Us (and Tips for Establishing Them)

How I Manage Anxiety Every Day

21 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Feeling Off-Balance

Finding Your Holiday Balance, Part One: Your Holiday To-Don’t List

In this series, we will hit Holiday Balance from every angle and in no particular order…

First Things First

After prayerful consideration, here are some items on my 2018 Holiday To-Don’t List:

If you’d like to learn more about finding your balance year ’round, I’ve written a book about that. You can buy it here. Finding Your Balance

Balance Tip: Consider Your Future Self

Weekend Links {23} and a life update

Update on Sandy’s Life:

Everything Sandy Has Been Working On:

How to Breathe Life into a Tired Mom

Everything You Need to Know About Using Sam-e For Depression.

listen to us on the podcast

watch us on YouTube

When We Ask

What’s Your Busyness Personality?

Finding Your Balance,

you can buy it on

Amazon

for $14.99.

Skip links

Main navigation

1. Picture-perfect Fake Holidays — or — Dysfunctional Family Gatherings

How to Avoid This Trap

2. Other People Who Do the Holiday-Thing Better Than You

How to Avoid This Trap

3. Social Media

How to Avoid This Trap

4. What We Did Last Year/What We’ve Always Done

How to Avoid This Trap

In this series, we will hit Holiday Balance from every angle and in no particular order…

First Things First

After prayerful consideration, here are some items on my 2018 Holiday To-Don’t List:

If you’d like to learn more about finding your balance year ’round, I’ve written a book about that. You can buy it here. Finding Your Balance

Update on Sandy’s Life:

Everything Sandy Has Been Working On: