Dear Mom of the Mouthy Teen: an open letter

Dear Mom of the Mouthy Teen:

I saw you today in the carpool lane, the grocery line, the waiting room. Like everyone else within earshot and eyeshot, I witnessed the disrespectful behavior of your teen. And since that type of public interaction is uncomfortable for everyone (including me) I looked away—more to divert my attention from you, to give you a minute to privately deal with the situation. As much privacy as is possible in the carpool lane, the grocery line or the waiting room.

In that moment of public disrespect, your way of dealing with it, Mom, was to do nothing. Nothing. NOTHING! To everyone’s shock (and let’s face it, disgust), you said absolutely nothing to your child. Your teen called you a name, declared an expletive, turned his back on you—and you never so much as corrected that defiant child.

Congratulations, Mom. In addition to the public disrespect you received from your teen, you are now the proud recipient of the judgment and condemnation of every other parent (and non-parent) in the immediate vicinity.

Judgment and condemnation from everyone, except me.

Mom. I want you to know I do not judge you. I do not condemn you.

I SEE you.

I GET you.

I get that you, Mom of The Mouthy Teen, are an expert in choosing your battles. What people don’t know, is that every day, every minute, every interaction is a potential battle with this child. And you have wisely learned how and when to correct and when to confront. You know better than anyone that confrontation is a serious issue. Confrontation escalates quicker and more intensely than anyone expects. Confrontation means you must be prepared to hold your ground, maintain your composure, and still stand firm in the fury that is sure to ensue. You know that when you choose to confront, you have committed yourself to engage in Teen Warfare until the battle subsides. You understand better than anyone that good parenting is a balance of rules and relationship, boundaries, and grace. And you are a master of this dance. You have been dancing for quite some time now, and you chose wisely not to confront.

I get that when your teen disrespects you in public or private, no one is more shocked than you. Well-meaning people try to tell you “this is normal” “he/she will outgrow it” “you should expect this.” But nothing about this is normal. You never expect it. Every time that tone, that look, those words emerge from your child’s being, you feel like you’ve been sucker-punched. This child—the one you’ve been nurturing and protecting since you discovered you were pregnant—is the last one you would expect to publicly despise you. (Ironically, the same people who tell you “this is normal” are the ones who also judged you when you said and did nothing.)

I get that after you got home, you probably escaped to the bathroom or the laundry room or the bedroom and cried hard. You were frustrated and embarrassed. Humiliated, actually. Disrespect is humiliating.

I get that the car ride here or maybe the hours leading up to bedtime last night or perhaps Saturday morning breakfast were tense—maybe even hostile. I get that you spend much of your day trying to ignore the pit in your stomach and pretend the tension across the back of your shoulders isn’t there. I get that you long for the day when you ask your teen a simple question like, “How was school today?” and he responds simply, normally, respectfully, kindly, “It was great. How was your day, Mom?”

I get that in the hours you are alone, you have wept for this teen. Not out of frustration, but out of love. Out of concern. Out of desperation. You have gone into your child’s room, lay on the floor, and cried out to God. You have begged God to help your child. Help you. You have set on the edge of the bed, clutching the bear or the blankie or the ragdoll that used to comfort your crying toddler-turned-teen, and you’ve wished you could turn back time and comfort her with the same ease and wisdom you did when she was little.

I get that your teen probably also struggles with friend drama and identity issues. Maybe he struggles with grades or keeping a job. And when you try to coach or counsel or listen through your teen’s struggles, your teen thinks you descended from another planet several centuries ago and have no personal knowledge of or experience with any of this. Even though you, Mom, feel at times like you were a teen day-before-yesterday. And you remember with crystal clarity the confusion and complication of navigating the tumultuous teen years.

I get that your teen has probably acted out in more dangerous ways—maybe drug use or cutting or sex or anorexia. Maybe your teen has threatened to commit suicide or attempted it. Maybe your teen has threatened to run away or followed through with it. Maybe you have set on your front porch in the darkness, praying after your teen stormed out the front door. And because of this, you are scared out of your mind that if you confront this child today—in public—it may be the tipping point. This confrontation may be the one that causes her to make the dangerous choice. And at the very same time, you are scared out of your mind that if you DON’T confront this child today—in public—you will fail to erect the one boundary that will keep your teen from harming herself.

I get that you probably blame yourself for your child’s disrespect. Because you, Mom, have been so very diligent in raising her. From the time the tiny fragrant bundle was placed in your arms, you have done your very best to pour yourself into this child. You have fed and protected and counseled and instilled. You’ve rocked and read and played. You’ve sacrificed every one of your wants and needs on the Altar of Motherhood. As Mom, you learned to discern every cry, every grunt, every sniffle—and you have been so faithful to respond to your child’s need. So, when your child morphs into this young adult/child who makes reckless and irresponsible choices, you wonder where you went wrong. You wonder what you could have done differently. You remember every mistake you made—every time you lost your cool or said you were too busy. You question every decision you made and you wonder which of those contributed to your child’s disrespecting you today.

I get it that when acquaintances make small talk and ask “How are the kids?” you never know how to respond. If you were truthful, you’d say something like, “Well, let’s see, my child is failing geometry or smoking marijuana or viewing porn on his iPhone and today he told me to f*ck off on the way to school and we have another appointment with the counselor Tuesday and I spent half the afternoon on the phone with the principal (again) and all of this is taking its toll on my marriage as we cannot agree on an effective way to handle anything and the other kids are beginning to act out because they see their brother doing it and …”

But you don’t say that.

You love your child and you are hopeful and prayerful that this is the day things will change. That his heart will soften toward you, toward God. That he will grow out of it like everyone says he will. You don’t want to disrespect your child (ironically) so instead of disclosing his personal struggles, you compose yourself and put a smile on your face and tell people, “Everyone is great. They’re really great. How are you?” You say it with conviction. More of a declaration than a lie. You know that “authenticity” is the buzzword in churches and communities. But you also know that most people are not prepared or equipped for your version of authentic.

I get that when you do finally disclose a hint of the craziness that has become your family life, sometimes people trivialize your situation and ask things like, “Have you tried to take her out to dinner—just the two of you?” And you think of the thousand times you have tried and continue to try to connect with your teen in every possible way. Yes, yes, yes…you have considered taking her out to dinner. And breakfast. And lunch. And coffee. And ice cream. And shopping. For the love of all that is right and good, you have considered that, and more. Everyday. Always.

I get that you have a stack of parenting books on your nightstand, and you have read all of them. And re-read them. You have paragraphs highlighted and underlined, pages folded over, and bookmarked. You are trying so hard to do the right thing. I get that you sound a bit defensive and prideful and maybe even a little dishonest when someone suggests a great parenting book and you respond with, “Yes, I’ve read that one…twice.”

I get that sometimes you get mad at God because when you prayed to have children, this is not at all what you thought you were signing up for.

I get that every time you read a story about a teen who committed suicide, you blink back tears and pray like crazy that this headline will never, ever, EVER have your child’s name on it.

I get that when you see friends with their teens talking, laughing, connecting, you feel jealous and hope, at the exact same time.

I get that you are exhausted. That nothing else in the entire world depletes you more than this tension between you and your teen. I get that you are doing your best to take good care of yourself, so you can take good care of the lives entrusted to you.

Mom, I want you to know that you are doing a fantastic job. I don’t judge you for ignoring the public display of disrespect. I applaud you for composing yourself and choosing what you felt you needed to do at that moment. I can tell you are doing the very best you know to do.

Because we all are.

I also want you to know that even though you have probably made hundreds of mistakes with this child, it is not your fault that he/she treats you this way. God’s grace is entirely sufficient to cover all of your mistakes—parenting and otherwise. Your child belongs to God first, ultimately. You can entrust him to God’s loving care.

Finally, I want you to know that Motherhood does not define you. Opinions of judgmental strangers and defiant teens—they don’t define you either. Only God defines you. He created you, so He gets to decide who you are and why you are here.

And this is what He says about you:

Before you were formed in the womb, God knew you and appointed you. (Jeremiah 1:5)

You are a new creation, chosen by God, and created in His image. (2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 1:11, Genesis 1:27)

You are a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession. (1 Peter 2:9)

You are God’s child, holy and dearly loved—actually lavished with love! And nothing can separate you from the love of God. (John 1:12, Colossians 3:12, Romans 8:39, Galatians 3:26, 1 John 3:1-2)

You are a useful member of the body of Christ with gifts, talents, and a calling–we need you! (Romans 12:5, I Corinthians 12:27)

You have been accepted by God. (Romans 15:7)

You have the forgiveness of sins. (Ephesians 1:7)

You are no longer a slave to sin. You are free to love. (Romans 6:6)

You are under no condemnation, no matter what you’ve done. (Romans 8:1)

You can approach God with freedom and confidence. (Ephesians 3:12)

You have wisdom from God. (1 Corinthians 1:30)

You have every spiritual blessing. (Ephesians 1:3)

You have everything you need. (Philippians 4:19)

Your labor is not in vain. (1 Corinthians 15:58)

Your life is hidden in Christ. (Colossians 3:1-3)

You have been bought with a price and the Spirit of the Living God lives in you. (Colossians 2:9-10, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

You are light. (Ephesians 5:8)

If God is for you, who can be against you? (Romans 8:31)

Hang in there Mom. I’m over here cheering you on.

Love,

Sandy

Your Struggles During a Global Pandemic

Welcome to Day-Whatever of the COVID-19 Quarantine.

I’m no global pandemic expert. I personally don’t know anyone who is.

(Are you one? If so, send help!)

All I know is that it just keeps coming—the closure updates, the stats, the CDC recommendations. The news changes by the hour, and just when we get our footing, another update comes and we are all unsettled again. We are all trying to figure this out as we go, right?

A few days ago I reached out to you and asked what your biggest struggle is right now as you are facing this weird and unprecedented crisis. Your responses were both candid and moving. I felt the weight of them as I read email after email describing your fears. Then, I took all of them, lifted them up to God, and asked Him to give me something helpful to say to you.

I think He has.

I realize it’s not all bad. Introvert-Sandy doesn’t hate that everything’s been canceled. Lazy-Sandy celebrates yoga pants and a top-knot every single day.

But it’s also hard and scary.

So, here are your struggles as defined by you, with some responses I believe will be helpful.

If you’d like to hear an expanded version of this where I actually quote you and cry a little, listen to Episode 68 of The Balanced MomCast.

Question: What is your biggest struggle right now?

1. Guilt for feeling anxious when so many people (now and in past generations) have it worse.

Let’s just get this one out of the way from the outset. I come this against right now, in Jesus’ name. The Enemy would love to heap condemnation and shame on you for being scared. This is no time for misplaced guilt. We serve a good God and a loving Father.

How does a loving Father respond to a scared child? Not by shaming her or guilting her. No. He takes the frightened child in his arms. Listens to what is troubling the child. And then speaks truth and love to calm her fears. God is not rebuking you for being scared. He’s holding you, listening to you, and speaking to you.

2. Loss of routine and normal life

It’s important to name and grieve what we are losing. The simple act of doing so frees up space in our minds to deal with it healthfully and productively. Loss of control over our days and our lives is a legitimate loss. Loss of control over our time, where we can go, who we can see—all of that is real.

Dr. Henry Cloud says that human beings need some sense of control to be mentally healthy. This is why prisons are so terrible—people are stripped of all freedom.

So, yes, while we cannot control where we are going, who we see, or whether or not we can work, we still do have a lot of control. I encourage you to make a list of all the things you can control. Here’s a list I made for myself to get you started.

Things I Can Control Right Now

Who I follow on social media
What kind of news and how much of it I take in
What movies or TV shows I watch
How I spend my time
What time I go to bed and get up
How I respond to the people in my home
What words come out of my mouth
What food goes into my mouth
My thoughts

3. Being separated from loved ones

We were made for community, so this is a valid struggle right now. We can’t see family and friends. We can’t attend church or Bible study. We can go to the gym or meet friends for lunch.

In Jeremiah 29 the nation of Israel was dispersed and couldn’t be together. Look at what God told the Israelites during this time of “social distancing.”

⁵“Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce.⁶Marry and have children. Then find spouses for them so that you may have many grandchildren. Multiply! Do not dwindle away! ⁷And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare.”

In other words, God told them to keep moving forward, not to pull back, not to be afraid. I believe God would have you do everything you can to stay connected with your people. By phone, by video technology, by email, by social media…however, you can, do it. (What a gift that we have this technology during this time!)

And then God goes on to say,

“But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. ¹¹For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.¹²In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. ¹⁴I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

Be encouraged. This time of separation from your loved ones will end. And if you look for God in the midst of this, you will find Him.

(If you’d like to watch a 2-minute video of my Pastor sharing this message for our congregation, and saying it way better than just did, click here.)

4. Needing time away from people

Remember the strategies you used when your kids were babies and toddlers and needed you 24/7? Or that time the flu spread through your whole house and you needed to get away from your people but couldn’t leave your people?

Yeah, do that.

Proactively pursue alone time. Close your bedroom door. Take a bath. Send everyone to their bedrooms. Go for a drive. Seriously, just a 15-minute walk outdoors will work wonders on your psyche.

Amen.

5. Suddenly becoming a homeschool parent/working from home with kids/added work/endless suggestions about how to spend your time

Yep. Many of us prayerfully decided to place our kids in public or private schools and did not sign up to be homeschool parents. It’s overwhelming for all of us coming in at this stage of the game and trying to figure out where they are and what they need. My son has been in private school with academic support for his learning differences since kindergarten. Now he’s in the last quarter of his last year of school. I feel so ill-equipped for this.

Also, my husband runs a local hospital. This means he is working longer hours and is more stressed than ever. All of this means more work for me. (And it also means our chances are very high that he will bring the virus home and spread it to all of us.) Additionally, I work from home.

So, yeah…basically, if you send me an email today suggesting I clean my closets and catch up on my fiction reading, I will unsubscribe.

Let me share with you some things that are helping me and my household right now. These strategies will also help with #4 (your need for space) as well as keeping your home from becoming a COVID-19 Frat House.

Keeping a routine. Getting up at the same time. Going to bed at the same time. Eating meals together. Having set school and work hours.
Adjusting my expectations and my work hours. I won’t be able to work when I did or how I did when everyone was gone during the day. But some things are actually better! For example, since I don’t have to get the kids off to school each morning or take them to activities in the evenings, I can use morning and afternoon hours to work.
Giving everyone a designated space. I have assigned each person their own territory and I’m allowing them to make it their own. This helps everyone feel a sense of control and ownership, and also gives us some privacy. I suggest you look at your house differently. Are there spaces you rarely use? A formal living area, a basement, a spare bedroom, or a porch that can become a kid’s temporary school area? Get creative. Let your people claim their spot, spread out, and be comfortable.
Taking regular breaks during the day and making kids do the same. I’m taking about five walks per day right now. I regularly make the kids stop and jump on the trampoline with me. We even dug out some of our yard games from the back of the garage and play them together in the late afternoons. Truly, had it not been for this forced quarantine, I would never be playing Corn Hole in the driveway at 4 pm on a Monday with my 18-year-old and my 13-year-old.
Putting strict limits on screens—especially video games where other people have access to my kids. Keep in mind that the whole country and many parts of the world are on lock-down right now. And that means a whole new crop of creeps on the Internet. Not to add to your anxiety, but be mindful of this and use wisdom. Make sure you have filters in place and restrictions set on their devices. Don’t leave them unattended for hours a day. (I did a whole podcast series about this in October. Listen to Episodes 21-25 of The Balanced MomCast for tons of great info.)

6. Too much information/managing social media and news.

“I would say my biggest struggle is staying close enough to the media to be informed, and far away enough to ward off the mania, fear, and alarm. Some people in my close circle are entrapped in out of balance fear, which gets tiring.”

“How much info is too much? I feel like I need some information about what is happening in my community and the world. And I want to be somewhat connected to others. But the Internet and social media go from not enough to way too much in a swipe. It’s hard.”

As many of you know, I am currently on a one-year social media hiatus. And I just want to emphasize how helpful this is right now to be free from the constant scrolling. At the same time, like you, I still want to be informed about what is happening in my city and in the world.

Here are some things I’d suggest to maintain that balance:

Choose a trusted news source and stick with that. I actually subscribed a few months ago to USA Today. (Yes, the actual paper—that’s delivered to my house! Remember newspapers?) I assure you, it’s a whole different experience sitting with a cup of tea and reading the paper than it is watching FOX News for days on end or following a series of links into the news feed cesspool. Also, (I’m not an affiliate for USA Today, I promise), but they also have a special newsletter I get through email that is only coronavirus updates. It condenses all the updates from the last 24 hours into one email that comes once a day. Game-changer.
Limit your time that you will allow yourself to take in information. Give yourself 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night and then walk away. Don’t be afraid of missing something. If something major happens, someone in your circle will call you or text you. You won’t miss anything.
Unfollow and unsubscribe from anything sucking the life out of you. All. Day Long.

7. Decision-making regarding social distancing.

Is it okay to go to my in-laws for dinner? Is it okay to take the kids to the drive through for blizzards just to get out of the house? Is it okay to take my dog to the groomer, are her safety strategies enough? Am I disinfecting enough things when I do go out? Am I overreacting? Am I under reacting? I guess, overall, I am not trusting myself or others to make good decisions. I don’t want to be the reason a loved one or even a stranger gets sick or dies. That weighs heavily on me.

All of this is very valid. So, basically, I would encourage you to follow the current CDC, social distancing, and “shelter-in-place” guidelines as best you can. That means

If your in-laws are elderly or have an underlying medical condition, don’t go over there for dinner right now. It’s not worth the risk, especially if you have kids. For most of us, we will catch the coronavirus, and we will be sick for a few days or a week, and then we will fully recover. We are trying to stop or slow the spread of the disease so as to not overwhelm our health system, so minimize contact with other people as best you can.
If you can stay at home, do that.
If you can do something fun with the kids that doesn’t involve contact with others, do that.
If anyone has any symptoms at all, do not go out in public.
Do what you can to strengthen yours immune system. Your best weapons are great nutrition, a full night’s rest, and spending time outdoors in nature.
Wash your hands. Sanitize surfaces that other people have touched. Use common sense. You know how to do this.
When in doubt, err on the side of safety.

The rest of these all fall into the “fear and anxiety” category. I’ll list all of them with some direct quotes from you, and then I’ll respond at the end.

7. Trusting God

My biggest concern…maintaining my faith

8. General fear

Right now, I am just scared.

My fear of the unknown and what’s next? Is this the end of life as we know it?

9. Anxiety over the virus itself

How bad will this get? Who will die? A loved one? Me?

How will medical professionals stay well and have enough supplies?

How will I keep teenage kids quarantined and get them to understand seriousness?

What will happen to my kids if I die?

Or any of the other million possibilities…

10. Responding to kids without panic

What do I say to my kids? How much can they handle? How do I model trust in God while still needing to follow the quarantine guidelines?

11. Concern over aging parents, immune-compromised family.

My parents are in an assisted living place and I am not allowed to see them. Both struggle with dementia and depression. This past week was very hard on them. I’m asking friends and family to send mail and call them. I had a very good system in place between myself and a caregiver for my parents plus the rehab they had. All of that has come to a complete halt with no true sight of it ending anytime soon.

I and our youngest son are immune-compromised.

I’ve battled fear over unhealthy family members who have compromised immune systems.

My husband’s biggest problem (while in a medical facility) is isolation. He only sees the person who brings food or meds and therapy.

11. Financial

My sons lost their income. Praying they can find work so they can pay their bills. Financially this will be rough on us as well.

After today no one will be employed in our household. It’s all very concerning.

After this week I’m not sure where the paycheck is coming from.

My husband was planning to retire at the end of May…the money we have spent our life saving for this is now greatly depleted. We don’t have time to wait for a recovery. We will need that money to live on in just a few months.

We are not salaried. Our income depends on our getting back to work. Getting back to work requires human interaction!

Yes, all of that is true. Yes, we are scared for our loved ones, for our finances, for the future, and for the unknown. But let God’s word be the final word.

God’s truth speaks to all this. Most of you reading have been Christians for a long time. You know what His word says. You’ve been reading it and quoting it your whole life.

Now it’s time to put it into practice.

Phil 2:14-16

¹⁴Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶as you hold firmly to the word of life.

Filter what is coming out of your mouth. Move through your day without complaining. You have the word of life…now hold to it! You can control what you say and how you say it. This is where the children of God shine. This is what separates us from the world.

Phil 4:4-7

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The Greek word used for “guard” is a military term that means to protect by a military guard, either in order to prevent hostile invasion, or to keep the inhabitants of a besieged city from flight.

God’s peace will act as a guard to prevent the hostile invasion on your heart and mind when you

Rejoice
Let your gentleness be evident to all
Refuse to be anxious
Be thankful
Present your requests to God

If you don’t do this already, start writing down how you want to remember today. Mine out every gem from the day and record it. This is like a gratitude journal, only better, because, when COVID-19 has ended, this will be the history you have recorded and what you and your children will remember.

Phil 4:8-9

⁸Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Choose what you will think about. You have control over your thoughts. And then—this is the important part—put God’s word into practice.

Phil 4:11-13

¹⁰I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Did you know Paul wrote the letter to the Philippians when he was in prison? When all of his rights and freedom and income and normal routines and connection to loved ones had been stripped from him?

This is when he told us to

Not complain
Rejoice
Let your gentleness be evident to all
Refuse to be anxious
Be thankful
Present your requests to God
Control our thoughts
Put what we know into practice
Be content

This message has never been more relevant than it is right now.

John 15:9-11

⁹Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. ¹⁰If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. ¹¹These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.

Jesus wants us to maintain our joy. Again, it’s not just reading these verses. It’s not just hearing me read them on the podcast. It’s not even memorizing them—though that is all awesome.

It’s doing what the verses say. It’s keeping God’s commandments to abide in Him and to allow His word to abide in you.

Back in 2017, God had me camped in John 15:1-17 for a full year. It wasn’t because it took me a year to read it—I read it in about 5 minutes. Neither did it take me a year to understand it—I’m slow, but not that slow.

No, God had me in seventeen verses for a year because it took me a year to learn how to DO IT. These truths of scripture don’t work unless we DO THEM.

John 14:27

I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

The peace Jesus gives is different from the peace the world gives. The world will have peace when

The virus is gone
We resume normal lives

None of that is bad—I’m praying for all this to end, too. But the peace that Jesus offers is the peace that sustains NOW in spite of the circumstances.

Ephesians 5:15-20

¹⁵Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. ¹⁸Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Yes, I know for a few of us, work just multiplied and everything is harder. But for most of us, we’ve been given a gift of time, forcing us off the crazy train that, only two weeks ago, had us on the verge of a breakdown.

What will you do with this gift of time/break from the crazy train?

A month-long Netflix binge?

Or diving into God’s word?

Praying?

Learning?

Loving your family?

Don’t be foolish.

Don’t waste this month.

Make the most of this opportunity.

Matthew 6:25-34

(In my Bible, the heading over this portion of scripture says, The Cure for Anxiety.)

These are the words of Jesus:

²⁵“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

²⁸“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

³¹“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’³²These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

³⁴“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

God’s got this. And He’s got YOU. Which means you’ve got this! You are his daughter and He loves you.

I’m excited to see everything God does in you as a result of this. I have a feeling it will be more than you ever imagined.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

(For a printable copy of these scriptures to hang on your fridge, your mirror, or on your forehead, click here.)

The Surprising Source of Your Balance Struggles

My son, Elijah is currently learning to drive. In the state of Kentucky, where I live, a 16 or 17-year-old must drive 60 hours with a licensed driver over the age of 21 before he can take his final road test.

Parents, for those of you who haven’t done this wretched chore yet, let me just warn you: nothing has struck fear in my heart quite like sitting in the passenger seat when my new driver is merging onto the highway. It will drive you to drink. Ironically, it’s one time you absolutely cannot drink—since being under the influence is generally frowned upon during driving instructions.

I swore, after my daughter got her license a few years ago that I’d never ever ever ever ever ever ever teach another Cooper kid to drive. Sorry, Jon. It’s all you. I potty trained them, YOU teach them to drive.

But because I am the one who is with my son in the car 90% of the time, I realized that he’d be 25-years-old before he got his license if I waited for Jon to accumulate 60 hours in the car with him.

So, it’s me.

Yay.

Thankfully, Elijah has been driving an ATV and a large riding lawnmower since he was 14-years-old. This, amazingly, has given him and edge over his older sister, and thus, has helped me feel a little less anxious during his driving lessons. On the other hand, he struggles with ADHD and he’s obsessed with cars. This is a lethal combo when he’s driving. Pulling out onto a busy street with, well CARS, becomes a major act of self control for him. What he is tempted to do is notice the year, make, model, color, engine size, and interior features of every. single. car. that. passes. us.

One thing I learned early on that works well for both me and my student driver (other than the obvious KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!), is to give him a good idea of what’s coming up BEFORE WE ENCOUNTER IT, and how he to handle it. Sure, he’s learned the basics about traffic laws in his driving course, but the specifics about the routes we drive on a daily basis? He won’t get those from just knowing the laws.

So I will warn him about about famous potholes or certain roads where traffic is difficult to see. I will coach him well before a dangerous intersection how to navigate it safely. Cars are scary. Driving is no joke. I want him to feel confident as he moves toward greater independence in driving. And I also don’t want him to crash my new car.

***

I am super-passionate about equipping you to live a well-balanced life. And one major way I feel like I can do that is by giving you an idea of what’s coming ahead, and how to handle it.

Today that means exposing your spiritual enemy and his strategies, so you can recognize these tactics in your own life, and address them effectively.

And I’ll do my best to discuss the devil without creeping you out.

I recently finished working through Priscilla Shirer’s Bible Study, The Armor of God for a second time. I have never done a study that has opened my eyes to the spirit realm or better equipped me for spiritual warfare like this study. I seriously cannot recommend it enough. It has absolutely changed my life and how I approach almost everything.

As I was working through it, I was thinking about you, and all the ways Satan strategizes against you as a woman of God.

If the enemy can keep you in a constant state of overwhelm or anxiety…if he can suffocate you with temptation or insecurity…if he can intimidate you with fear and worst-case scenarios…well, then you certainly won’t have peace to know your priorities and live them out.

So, today I’m going to give you 4 ways he’s always trying to keep you off balance. And at the end, I’m going to tell you what to do about it.

1. Distraction—the enemy wants you to be without focus

First, he wants to distract you from his work.

Ephesians 6:16 tells us to take up the shield of faith with which we can quench all the fiery darts/flaming arrows of the enemy.

In warfare, flaming arrows were often used, not to kill or destroy, but to distract! Not to shoot directly at the other soldiers engaged in the battle, but to shoot instead at a wagon, a chariot, or a home of the soldier. This tactic would disrupt the military lines and cause the occupants to focus on the blaze rather than the battle at hand. Then, when the solider was distracted by putting out the fire, the enemy would move in for the attack.

Listen, the enemy does not want you to think he’s behind your balance struggles, so he will do anything to keep you distracted from him. He wants you to think it’s anything but him…it’s your husband and his insensitivity to your needs. It’s your kids and their bad attitudes. It’s your mom and the way she always makes you feel like you can’t get it right. It’s your church, it’s your neighbor, it’s your boss…If he can keep the focus off him and his work, you will always be fighting the wrong thing.

Satan is behind fear, anxiety, overwhelm, frustration, hate, discontentment, pride, envy, striving, hopelessness, shame, temptation…all of it. But he’s over here going, it’s not me, it’s him! It’s her! It’s this situation!

He wants you to fight a person or a situation or a circumstance, because he knows, if you start fighting him with the spiritual weapons God has given you, he must flee.

Second, he tries to distract you from your priorities.

We know that balance is all about knowing your priorities and living them out. If the enemy can keep you distracted from doing the things that are most important to you or the things that God has called you to do, he’s good.

He doesn’t even care if you are doing sinful things. He just doesn’t want you to do what God has called you to do. He wants you to be busy with so many other things, you can’t possibly get to what God has called you to do.

I don’t know if we have ever lived in a time that is so wrought with distraction. This is not news to you, but I’ll just offer this as a sober reminder: your phone, your computer, your newsfeed, your Netflix cue…all those things are distractions or gateways to distraction. No, I’m not saying Netfilx is satanic or that busyness is evil. I’m just saying, the enemy will use those things to distract you and lose your focus.

2. Discouragement—the enemy wants you to be without hope

He wants you to have no hope for change in your circumstances—I will always be busy. We will always struggle financially. I will always need to work outside the home.

No hope for change in your children—my daughter will always struggle academically, my son will always have a bad temper. My kids will never have good friends.

No hope for change in yourself—I will never get a handle on my emotional eating, I will never get organized. I will always yell at my kids.

Proverbs 13:12 says hope deferred makes the heart sick.

When we are discouraged and without hope, it damages our heart. Not our literal heart, but the center of who we are. The word tells us to guard our heart above all else, because out of it flows life. If the enemy can keep us discouraged and hopeless, it will affect everything—our prayers, our peace, our parenting, our entire lives.

3. Deception—the enemy wants you to be without Truth.

One thing we know for sure about Satan, is that he’s a liar. In fact, Jesus called him the Father of Lies (see John 8). That means he’s the originator, the founder, the inventor of lies. He lies about everything. But here are a few areas in which he lies to women in particular:

Who God is: He is not good, He is not loving, His motives for you are not good. He won’t answer your prayers. He can hear you but he doesn’t care. God doesn’t like you. God is mad at you. God’s messing with you, He’s holding out on you.

Who you are: you are flawed, broken, dirty, ugly, fat, angry, impure, unloveable, trapped, bound, unforgivable, stupid, not enough, too much.

If he can convince you that God is against you or that you are unworthy to approach God, then guess what? You won’t pray for wisdom. You won’t pray for strength. You won’t pray for direction. You won’t pray at all.

4. Division: the enemy wants you to be alone and isolated

He knows the power in unity. He knows what happens when the body of Christ functions in health and every part does its work. So, he will tempt you to be hurt and offended any chance he can. And if he can get you all fired up so you need to “vent” to someone else, and you get THEM all fired up, even better. The more people he can drag into division, the more isolated you will become.

And then he will tempt you to nurture and feed and caress that offense like it’s a pet, until it morphs into unforgiveness and eventually a root of bitterness.

He’ll sow seeds of division everywhere:

In your marriage

Between you and your kids

Between you and your Extended family, in laws, siblings

In your Church

In your Friendships

At your job

4 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ²Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. ³Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ⁴There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; ⁵one Lord, one faith, one baptism; ⁶one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
⁷But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it…
¹¹So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, ¹²to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up ¹³until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
¹⁴Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. ¹⁵Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Ephesians 4

Unity is powerful. As we join together with our brothers and sisters in Christ, with our families, with our neighbors, with our coworker, with our girlfriends, and we all refuse to be divided, but instead link arms and hearts together and operate in our natural gifts (what ever they may be) something amazing happens: We become mature. We grow. We aren’t fooled anymore about what’s right and wrong. We become more loving. This is precisely why the enemy wants you alone.

***

We all struggle with discouragement and distraction and loneliness from from time-to-time. We all struggle to understand Truth. We know these things throw us off balance–this is not news. What may be new information for you is who is behind it all. Maybe you never considered that there is a whole thing going on in the spirit world that is causing you to struggle.

OK, Sandy, you said you wouldn’t creep me out, but you’re being super creepy. What the crap, Sandy? What am I supposed to do?

We must fight spiritual battles with spiritual weapons.

The Apostle Paul, later in that same letter to the Ephesians says this:

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
Ephesians 6

We must put on the armor of God, and pray. Stop fighting your people. Stop fighting your circumstances. Instead, pick up your spiritual armor and do battle with the real culprit.

To download a copy of a scripture-based prayer concerning our spiritual battle for balance, click here.

This post is adapted from Episode 6 of The Balanced MomCast. You can listen on iTunes , stream from the web, or listen on Stitcher, Google Play, Spotify, and Alexa…all the places.

My #1 Tool for Keeping My Balance

Balance is all about knowing your priorities and living them out. Today I’m giving you the one thing that most consistently helps me live out my priorities.

Today is all about lists.

Most people I know have strong feelings about lists. They either love lists with all their mind, heart, soul, and strength. Or despise lists with a red hot passion. If you are in the “hate” camp, hear me out: I will submit to you, that you probably hate lists for one of these reasons:

you are not a naturally organized or structured person, so list-making is difficult for you
you are not using lists correctly

This will probably not come as a surprise to most you who have known me for longer than a day, but I am a natural list maker. This activity flows well with my personality—that doesn’t mean I always do it well, but when I do, it’s fairly easy for me.

Many of you are not naturally good at list making, and that’s okay. But it does not mean you don’t need lists. I am not a naturally spontaneous person, but that does not mean that I don’t need spontaneity.

Also, I would argue that even the most laid back, unstructured, easy-breezy-beautiful (Covergirl) people do better in life with some sort of order. Studies show that our brains actually crave order, because order reduces anxiety. I think it’s safe to assume we could all use less anxiety, right? Right! Lists have proven to be one way to achieve and maintain this order that our brain needs, by providing structure to our days and by helping us to remember important things.

Just to be clear: Lists are not balance. Time management is not balance. Productivity and order and structure in an of themselves are not balance. Balance is the peace we have when we know our priorities and we are living them out. Lists are a simply a tool to achieve that balance.

It’s one thing to identify our priorities. It’s an entirely different thing to build our schedules and our lives around those priorities–to look at our daily calendar and literally plug those things in.

Maybe you’re sitting here thinking, “I get overwhelmed with lists! It’s too overwhelming to make a list and maintain a list. I fear the list!” I understand. I get overwhelmed very easily. I get overwhelmed at the thought of becoming overwhelmed. Some people fear heights or spiders or the dark–I fear becoming overwhelmed. It’s the actual worst. So, I say this with all the empathy in the universe: If lists overwhelm you, you probably need to change how you “do” them.

When you’re using lists in the wrong way, they feel like bondage—like you’re a slave to your to-do list. I don’t want you to be a slave to anything apart from Christ! When I’m using my lists the correct way, they feel like freedom—they literally free up my day to live out what is most important and meaningful to me. Don’t you want to actually do the things and be with the people who are most important to you? Of course you do. That’s where the true balance/peace becomes a reality.

Four Different Kinds of Lists

To-Don’t List
To-do List
To-day List
To-Done/TaDa! List

The To Don’t List: What I prayerfully neglect for the sake of balance.

These are the things I do not do on purpose. These may be things I actually identify as priorities, but not now. Or maybe they are things that I love to do, but I need to set them aside because of my season or lack of time. Or maybe they are things that I feel like I’m supposed to do because everyone else does them or maybe my mom did them or the internet says I should do them, but I know I cannot or should not do that right now, or ever.

One thing that is currently on my To Don’t List is using coupons at the grocery store. I think using coupons is smart. It makes good budget sense. But it’s also time-consuming. For years, I carried around this underlying guilt because I would go to the store every week without my coupons and I’d keep thinking to myself, “I should have cut the coupons.” Sometimes I’d remember, and I’d be very happy I remembered and saved my $16 or whatever, and then other times I’d forget again. Or I’d take all the time to cut them and then I’d forget them. Or I’d keep putting off going to the grocery store until we got down to mustard and dried beans, because I’d want to cut my coupons first.

Then one day I decided, I’m just not doing that right now. I’m letting it go. I am going to neglect cutting coupons for the sake of balance.

I recommend the To Don’t List be an actual list–write it down! Because if you are anything like me, you may be tempted to keep picking that thing back up and letting it weigh you down. When my kids were babies and toddlers, my To-Don’t list was a mile long. I prayerfully neglected a lot of things simply because my babies required a lot of time.

For more on the To-Don’t List, check out this post and this post and this post

The To do List: What needs to be done eventually.

I actually have two different kinds of to lists. A Master To Do List and Special Category To Do Lists. It sounds complicated, but it’s not.

Master To-Do List: This is the list where, when something pops into my head, big or small, it goes on this list. Some items on my current master to do list: Call our insurance company, paint my daughter’s bedside table, wrap my other daughter’s birthday presents. It’s hodge-podge. It’s everything.

This helps keep my mind clear, so I don’t try to carry all this in my head or forget something important (the worst!).

Special Category To-Do List: This is exactly what it implies. This would be a shopping list or a “Things to Do Before Vacation” list or a special project list.

I currently have a “writing to do list” and a “women’s ministry to do list.” Maybe yours may be a homeschooling list or home projects.

Big Important Thing about This List: I do not work off this list daily!!! I don’t open this list up at the beginning of the day and start trying to do stuff. Rememeber the Overwhelm? Yeah. If I look at a list with 30 random items on them and try to work from that, I will cry.

No, this is the list I pull from when I’m making my ToDay List

The To-Day List: What I’m doing today

The To-Day List is my most favorite of all the lists in the land. This is where everything that’s important to me gets an actual place in my schedule. I look at my Master Lists and I pull items off, one at a time, and plug them into my day. I give them real time slot and I schedule them in.

I make this list out daily, and consult it several times a day. It only contains a few items, because time is finite. I can only do so much. I try to only put on my list what I think I can actually do. This way, I don’t feel like a slave, neither do I become overwhelmed.

The To-Done/Ta-Da List: What I’ve accomplished

One of the most satisfying things for a list-maker is to cross stuff off and to look back and see all you’ve accomplished. Just saying that makes me all warm inside. The To-Done/Ta-Da List is that–the ToDay list with everything crossed off it. If you are a person who gets to the end of the day and can’t remember what you did, this one is for you. Not everyone needs this, but I do. It’s very good for my psyche to look back and remember everything I accomplished in a week. Right now, I’m actually keeping my To-Done/Ta-Da Lists so I can see the progress I’m making on certain projects. It’s the bomb.

List-Making Tips

Use whatever planner works for you. If you like fancy planners, then go for it. I personally use a 3 ring binder from Target, or like this one which is much prettier, loose leaf paper, and a simple set of tabs.
On your To-Day list be sure to include all the things that are important to you. On my To-Day list I include my workout, what I’m making for dinner, my daily prayer focus, any household chores I’m doing, appointments, meetings, and kid activities (extracted from my iPhone calendar), and whatever I’ve transferred over from my Master list.
At the end of the day, look at the To-Day list and circle anything you didn’t get to. If you still need to do it, then find a place where it makes sense. If you can let it go, then cross if off and let it be free.
Don’t write too much. I’m notorious for thinking I can do more than I can actually do. Everything always takes longer than I think it will. So I under-plan. I can always add something if I miraculously get it all done.
Take a good month or two or ten to find your groove. Don’t give up too quickly.
If you do something that is not on your list, by all means write it down and cross that sucker off. Heck yeah. The satisfaction is worth it.
Schedule margin into your day.
Start each week with a fresh Master to Do List. The simple act of transferring items to a new list can help you discern if the items are things you should even be doing. It will also give you weekly reminders of what has been lingering on your list for awhile (I have some items that have been on my Master List for over a year.) It also brings some clarity, as things naturally bubble up to the surface in priority.
Take 1 minute before you go to bed to look at your list and jot down the next day’s things. I like to do this because as I lay in bed or when I’m getting up and brushing my teeth and getting my coffee, my mind is already thinking about what I’ll be doing. It helps me stay focused on just the day’s tasks and mentally prepare.

The post was adapted from Episode 5 of The Balanced MomCast with Sandy Cooper. You can listen on iTunes or stream from the web.

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