The Scoop on Balance

Helping Your Teen Balance Work, School, and Sports: a guest post

Two things are about to happen in the Cooper home. Thing one: Elijah is getting his driver’s license next month. Thing two: Elijah is getting a job ASAP. This isn’t my first rodeo with teens and cars and jobs. But the whole process is still overwhelming for the kid…and the mom.

That is why I asked Ron Stefanski to guest post for me. Ron is a college professor in the Chicago area who also has a passion for helping teens find employment. He founded a website that is basically a one-stop-shop for teens and job opportunities (scroll to the end for the link). While I’m on a little blog break, I asked him to write you (and me) a post about teens maintaining balance while working.

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Whether your teen is filling out applications at the kitchen table, or has been working for years, he may be struggling to balance all his responsibilities. A job may offer him independence and the accomplishment of hard work (and a paycheck), but it can pose difficulties, too. Many teenagers will see their grades drop, give up valuable rest, or try to overschedule themselves until they burn out. Your teen may not have the necessary tools to handle the stress of a packed schedule, but you can help him find a balance.

1) Choose the Right Job

Teenagers in the digital age have many more employment options available to them than burger flipping. Before your child starts filling out those McDonalds applications, talk to them about their options.

First, you have to know your child’s “why”. Why does he want or need to get a job? Your teenager can gain so much more than pocket money from his first job, but he might not realize exactly what he wants out of it. A job can teach life skills, can help teens save for special trips and events, or even save for college! Determine what you and your child want to gain from his work experience and go from there.

Next, talk to your teenager about his desires and requirements for a job. Teens will often overlook their own schedule restrictions when jumping into the job market. For instance, a child who plays a spring sport might overlook his competition schedule when applying for jobs in the fall. He may not think about having homework after practice, or what he will do after the season is over. So, what does your kid want in a job? A flexible schedule may be more appealing than a steady paycheck, or vice versa. Talk to your teen about the difference between gig work, (like babysitting) and hourly work. He may not realize the options that are available. For example, here’s a list of the different jobs that 15-year olds can get.

2) Create a Shared Calendar

A lot of young people don’t realize what their schedule is really like. A great way to help teens understand the struggle of balancing work, school, and life is to create a shared calendar. Anything from a dry erase board in the kitchen to a digital calendar on your smart phones will work.

The key is to help your teenager realistically plan out his schedule. Most of us will limit our planning to things with a set time, such as school, soccer practice, or work. Include time on the calendar for homework, chores, and fun activities with friends and family. These things usually happen between scheduled events, but intentionally setting aside time for them is important for balance.

With sports schedules, these calendars can get tricky. Even during the off season, you need to be able to predict things like overnight trips for games. It is also important to prioritize downtime for kids. They may not think about taking time off between big events. Help your teenager understand how much time he spends at work, at practice, and at school. Make it easier to see how your time is spent by color coding your calendars. Each type of event should stand out at a glance.

3) Set Clear Expectations

Teenagers are not always the best at prioritizing. It is a skill that requires a lot of practice to master. Help them learn by setting clear expectations for balance. The most obvious expectation could be set around grades, but try to set realistic requirements. If your child is making a B in chemistry, you can’t expect him to work and pull their grade up to an A. Don’t limit your expectations to GPA, either. Make sure you set goals for health and wellbeing. Have your teenager track sleep, physical activity, leisure and family time. Setting goals around these things assures your child is happy and healthy, avoiding burn out, and taking care of himself.

Finally, have your teen set the specific thresholds for having to give up their job. For instance, losing too much sleep or dropping below a C average. If they set the rules themselves, they will be more likely to follow them.

If your teen showing signs of burn out, set aside some reflection time where you can help him reevaluate the situation. These 21 questions are a great start to figuring out what makes you, and your teen, feel unbalanced.

4) Help Him Be His Own Advocate

In traditional part time roles, teens are often treated as adults. Managers can take advantage of teenagers without realizing it, because teens are not used to setting boundaries with authority figures. Teach your teenager how to respectfully talk to managers. If a manager tries to increase hours or change a set schedule, your teen needs to be okay with advocating for themselves. Most importantly, let your teen handle these issues on his own! You should be available for advice and support, but don’t talk to the manager for them. Advocating in the work place is a skill that will lead him to success in adulthood.

5) Lead by Example

The most important way that you can teach your teenager to balance their busy lives is to lead by example. That doesn’t mean balancing your own life perfectly, but it does mean honestly discussing your challenges and mistakes. If you end up ordering pizza instead of cooking a meal, be honest about why you made that decision. Own up to being overwhelmed occasionally and discuss how you get through it. Model how to say “no” when life is too busy.

Leading by example isn’t just about talk. Show your teen that you are willing to put these strategies to work for you. Put your own schedule on the shared calendar, including self-care time. Think about establishing routines and share them. Set goals with your teenager and track each other’s progress. The way you handle balance in your own life makes you a role model in your children’s lives. Using the same strategies and modeling how you deal with challenges will help your teen make positive life choices.

Teenagers can absolutely find balance in their busy schedules, but they need to be taught basic skills and strategies to do so. Working creates safe opportunities to learn those skills through trial and error, not to mention the myriad of other benefits that jobs bring. The most important thing is that they have your support in their endeavors. Balance is a journey, but it is possible.

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Ron Stefanski is the founder of JobsForTeensHQ.com and has a passion for helping teenagers find jobs. He created the website because he feels that teenagers need to focus on their professional passions much earlier in life and aims to teach them how they can do that. When he’s not working on his website, Ron is a college professor and loves to travel the world.

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What I Learned in 2018

Welcome to January! Of all the months, January is my absolute favorite – with all its clean slates and fresh starts and uncluttered surfaces. I also love that it immediately follows the holiday season, where everything is more cluttered than usual (most notably, slates and surfaces.)

One of my personal treasured traditions of January is to read through my journal and capture some of my biggest revelations from the previous year. This helps me determine where I’ve been so I can make sound decisions about where I’m going.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
~Søren Kierkegaard~

So, without further adieu, here’s a list of highlights and lessons, both big and small, from my 2018.

In 2018, I turned 50 years old, celebrated my 25^th wedding anniversary, accomplished 10 years of blogging, and went through menopause. It was definitely a year of milestones.

I also lost my brother, which was a sudden loss that left me profoundly sad. I miss him.

I only wrote ELEVEN blog posts last year, which I’m fairly certain is an all-time low. And I didn’t realize until this very moment that I never wrote a “What I Learned in 2017” post??? (I did write a long “What I Learned in 10 Years of Blogging” post in March, so that kinda counts).

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My lack of blogging was not a lack of writing, though:

I kicked off 2018 with a short, daily email the entire month of January that went out to my subscribers.

I made a little progress on the writing of my next Bible study, organizing all the material into chapters and writing the intro.

I did some speaking and appeared as a guest on the radio and podcasts (more on that in a minute).

I submitted some writing for publication on other sites.

I continued to write a monthly newsletter to the women at my local church.

I continued to lead a weekly Fall and Spring Bible study locally.

And for the last several months, I posted daily to The Scoop on Balance Facebook Page.

This year has been very full and very good in many ways. In fact, as I reflect, my conclusion is this: 2018 didn’t suck. (Ha!) I’ve had some challenging years recently, so my standards are fairly low. Circumstances in life are always shifting, but God is teaching me to lean into Him for strength and wisdom like never before.

Here’s a highlight reel of what I learned last year.

1) I learned what it means to “Abide.”

This was my word for 2018. I didn’t choose it, It chose me. Actually, it chased me down and tackled me, and then it wrestled me until it let me go — but not before it completely changed me.

Last year, I buried my face and my heart in the 15^th chapter of the Gospel of John for months where I studied what it means to abide in the Vine. Then I stepped back to get a broader view and dug into the entire Gospel of John. I studied it line-by-line all summer, privately. Then I taught “Abide” at our annual Women’s Retreat in the Fall. Then I taught the entire Gospel of John line-by-line to the women at my church over 13 weeks until Christmas.

It’s still changing me. I’ll never be the same.

Here is the bracelet I wore every day in 2018 to remind me to abide in Christ. To order a similar bracelet with your own word, click the photo or here.

2) Speaking of that retreat, I learned I CAN organize and speak at the same retreat but I will never, ever, ever (ever!) do that again.

Let’s just say that I didn’t intend on speaking at our women’s retreat last year, so I started out being the planner-girl. But when “Abide” tackled me and wrestled me down, I knew I was also supposed to teach it (reluctantly, I might add). By that time, it was too late to hand off the planning part, so I just did both.

Gosh, it was exhausting. Thankfully, I had a great team and didn’t carry it entirely alone. But in the weeks leading up to the event, I found myself creating various flyer inserts for the folders, fielding all the last minute phone calls, texts, and emails, creating Power Point presentations with animations, AND practicing my 3 speaking sessions. It took me a few weeks to recover from that. Next time, I’m praying God gives me a different speaker or a different planner-person or, at the very least, a Power Point person. I know a lot of women who thrive working at that pace, but I’m not one of them.

3) I learned how to create a Power Point presentation with animations.

4) I learned to pay attention.

This was a phrase that kept popping up all over the place in 2018. Pay attention to how I feel. Pay attention to how people respond to what I say and do. Pay attention to my inner gut feeling. Pay attention to scripture that leaps off the page. Pay attention to how food affects me.

I don’t fully understand why I should be paying such close attention, but I am discovering that this is how God seems to be directing my steps as I discern my next right thing.

5) I learned everything takes longer than I think it will.

Herein lies an old balance issue rearing its ugly head: I try to cram more into my day than what I can actually do. Day after day, I set out to complete a task — anything from cleaning my house to grocery shopping to running an errand to completing a writing assignment — and I never, ever complete it in the time I’ve allowed myself. Maybe this has always been true for me, but I’m really noticing it more than ever in 2018 (maybe because I’m paying attention?).

I realize this is the very definition of poor time management. But I prefert to call it “optimism.”

6) I learned that backsliding into habitual lateness is easy to do.

Years ago, I intentionally and successfully overcame the terribly rude habit of running late for everything. Lately, I’m running late for every single thing, every single day. I hate it. Sadly, my “optimism” has sucked me back into being a Late Person. I’m actively working on changing this habit.

7) I learned that turning 50 wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

My 40s were really hard — parenting was especially challenging, our marriage went through some giant rough patches, I lost my dad and my brother, my metabolism came to a screeching halt — so I was actually happy to close the door on that decade.

Here’s me and my BFF celebrating my 50th in Nashville. Cool effects compliments of Jennie’s old phone.

8) I learned that eating a ketogenic diet is horrible for me.

This is something Jon and I started in 2017 and carried into 2018. Before diving in, I joined an on-line ketogenic group, read all the material, watched all the training videos, subscribed to ketogenic podcasts, and read 3 books. Then I followed the eating plan to a T, because I take my eating plans very seriously. It started out fine…I lost 11 pounds rather effortlessly (a shrinking butt is always a nice incentive to continue a new eating plan).

But I constantly felt sluggish and shaky, especially during exercise.

As the weeks and months went on, and I started to realize that eating a high-fat, low carb, moderate protein diet was a pain in my shrinking butt – especially when eating out at restaurants. The choices are so limited, because most places don’t serve healthy fats. At home, I turned to eggs, nuts, cheese, coconut oil, and bullet-proof coffee…every single meal, every single day. I hated rationing out my fruit allotment for the day. I hated rationing out food at all. I missed eating bananas and brown rice and oatmeal. Eating became mechanical and joyless. And I couldn’t maintain that 11-pound weight loss without regular bone broth fasting.

Then my annual physical revealed what was happening on the inside: my blood pressure, my triglycerides, and my cholesterol were all high for the first time in my life. My weight kept inching up and my joints ached. My doctor asked what I was doing differently, and when I told her “ketogenic” she said, “Your body hates this.” (Yay!!!)

9) I learned that eating a plant-based diet is wonderful for me.

So, in May of 2018, I did an about-face, chucked the whole ketogenic philosophy, and went completely plant-based. After avoiding grains and fruit for an entire year, I felt like a kid at Christmas! Bread? Bananas? Rice? Oatmeal? Yes, please!

Within 2 weeks, my weight went back down, my energy soared, my hot flashes stopped, and my joint pain decreased. After 3 months eating a completely whole foods plant-based diet, my hair and skin glowed like never before and I felt amazing. I went back to the same doctor for my annual physical, and all my values went back down to normal range. She said, “Your numbers look GREAT! What are you doing?” When I told her I was plant-based, she said, “Your body loves this. Keep doing it.” (Yay!)

I now eat a giant green salad every single day, which makes meal-planning simple. And I eat fruits and veggies without restriction. I haven’t felt better in years.

(P.S. Over the holidays, I veered off the plant-based road because: cookies, lasagna, wine…Boy, am I feeling it – weight gain, sluggishness, hot flashes, joint aches. I did enjoy taking a break to make and eat holiday treats, but I learned that I love feeling good much more than I enjoy eating treats.)

10) I learned how to make my own almond milk.

When I stopped using dairy in my coffee, I decided to try making my own substitute. It’s super-easy and it tastes delicious. You can Google an easy recipe (that’s what I did.) But just for fun, I may post it here in a future blog post.

11) I learned that New York City is both amazing and overwhelming.

Jon and I celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary by taking a trip to The Big Apple. I had never been there, so everything about it was new to me.

Amazing things for me include the food (it was very easy to maintain my plant-based eating there because the food options are endless!), the culture, the art, and Central Park (my absolute favorite).

Overwhelming things for me include the crowds, the noise, and the hustle. I hated that fact that making eye-contact with humans on the street meant that someone was going to try to hand me a brochure for a bus tour or try to get me to buy their homemade CD of rap music or drag me into their street performance.

My husband navigated the streets the way he navigates the highways – looking for the fastest lane and darting in and out of traffic. This meant I spent a week chasing him through crowded sidewalks, which left me agitated and exhausted. One of the most miserable hours of my life was spent crammed on a subway train on the way back from a Yankee’s game with my face pressed up into a man’s armpit.

I hated feeling like there were “rules” that I didn’t know: Tourists vs. Locals, and I was most definitely a tourist (apparently, stopping on the sidewalk is frowned upon. And I need a step-by-step tutorial for navigating the subway system).

Granted, this was also the week after my brother died, so I was dealing with a tremendous amount of grief on that trip.

I think I’d like to give NYC another chance and go to some of the areas that are off the beaten path and away from Times Square. But as it stands today, NYC is not my jam.

12) I learned that selling a book is hard work.

In September of 2017 I published my first book, Finding Your Balance. Writing and self-publishing a book is the very definition of “hard work.” But the writing and publishing part is just the beginning. That book must get into the hands of the people who need it or all that writing and publishing is for nothing.

Much like giving birth to a child, the pregnancy and delivery is one kind of hard – raising that child is a whole ‘nother kind of hard!

So, think of writing the book as pregnancy, publishing as delivering the baby, and marketing as raising the child.

Thus, I decided to delegate this ginormous task of raising my book baby to my marketing team. As it turns out, the marketing team is me.

13) I learned that radio and podcasts are my jam.

This one totally came out of left field. My friend Cheryl, who hosts a local radio show, asked me to be a guest to discuss my book. I had never been on the radio before and had no idea what I was doing. But sitting down with her for that interview felt as natural as anything I’ve ever done. This gave me confidence to pitch to several podcasts. The whole process is a blast. Podcasting is definitely something I’m exploring further in 2019.

14) I learned that Voxer is so fun!

While I was pitching podcasts, several hosts asked if they could contact me on Voxer. I was all, “Sure…I’m on Voxer.” (WHAT THE CRAP IS VOXER?!? *types “What is Voxer” into search engine*)

Turns out, it’s a message app where you can leave long voice memos for people and they can listen at their convenience. But it’s better than voice mail, because you can interject and respond mid-message, and also text and send photos. It’s like texting and voicemail had a baby; a little like a walkie talkie, but the messages stay there for the recipient to hear whenever. For those times when it’s too much to type, but you don’t want to get stuck on the phone in a conversation. I love it.

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Thank you so much for all your support in 2018. I know I say this a lot, but I don’t take for granted that you continue to show up whenever I write something. For the month of January, I’ll be stepping away from the online space so I can pray about 2019. I do have a guest post lined up in a few weeks so look for that. Otherwise, I’ll talk with you next month!

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This post contains an affiliate link, which means, if you click through and buy that bracelet, I will receive a small commission for referring you there, at no additional cost to you.

Finding Your Holiday Balance, Part Three: People Pleasing

This one is for all the People Pleasers out there. You know who you are because one or more of the following is true for you:

1) You are participating in a gift exchange you can’t afford.

2) You have agreed to host an event, but you are secretly resenting everyone you invited because you don’t have the time or energy to host.

3) You have committed to stretching your family in multiple directions because you are afraid to say, “We can’t make it this year.”

4) You dread seeing a certain family member because he/she makes you feel anxious, depressed, or inadequate with their disapproval of you.

5) You feel like you can’t tell people how you truly feel about any of this because doing so would mean having to deal with their anger, disappointment, or emotional withdrawal from you — and you’ve decided it’s just not worth all that. You’d rather suck it up, be a “servant,” and power though.

As a recovering People Pleaser myself, I totally get it. Even though I’ve made tremendous progress in this area (I’ve probably had more personal growth in this area than in any other), sitting around the dinner table with my family of origin can bring up all kinds of inner junk. Family dynamics threaten to propel me back into a child-like state, where suddenly, I am no longer a middle-aged married woman with kids and a mortgage; but instead I’m the boy-crazy, bubbly, baby of the family. Without even trying, everyone falls into their old familiar roles, and I forget I’m a grown-up with valid opinions and desires and boundaries.

And all the People Pleasers said, “Yep!”

(I don’t have adequate space in this blog post to examine People Pleasing in depth. I actually devote two chapters to this in my book Finding Your Balance, where I talk about the vital distinction between being a loving servant and being a People Pleaser, and also give some very practical strategies for becoming completely free from this burden for good.)

I realize it’s a little late in the game to go back and say no to hosting Christmas this year, or participating in the gift exchange, or showing up at all the celebrations on the exact same day. But I’d like to offer you something — a manifesto, if you will.

Because, for one, I like the word “manifesto.”

And for two, I want to encourage and empower you as the holiday season reaches its crescendo. You don’t have to crawl across the finish line, exhausted and defeated (which is very typical for the People Pleaser). You can walk — or maybe run — across, feeling strong and confident. Like a gazelle. A beautiful and free Christmas gazelle.

A Healthy Holiday Manifesto

For Recovering People-Pleasers

I am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. If ____________________ is angry, that is his/her feeling. I cannot make anyone else happy. I can and should consider others’ feelings, but I am not responsible for their feelings. If someone is angry with me or disappointed in me, that’s okay. It doesn’t have to ruin my holiday or my life.

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Not everyone will like me. If someone doesn’t like me, that’s totally fine. Jesus lived a perfect life (literally), and people hated Him — I’m in good company.

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When someone tries to control my actions with his/her anger or withdrawal, that is manipulation. I can recognize this as an unhealthy relationship tactic and do not need to respond to it. I refuse to allow other people to manipulate me.

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My peace and joy do not need to fluctuate with the approval, feelings, or decisions of others. My peace and joy come from God, Who loves me unconditionally and never, ever changes.

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I am the only one who can decide what I need and what I can handle. Only I can set healthy boundaries around my time, my energy, my finances, and my emotions. If I do not communicate my boundaries to the people in my life, they will not know them. I cannot expect other people to protect my boundaries — this is my job.

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“No” can be one of the most loving words I can say. “No” is a complete sentence and requires no apology or explanation. Telling someone “yes” when I really mean “no” is not loving. It is deception and is rooted in fear.

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Buying gifts for my loved ones which I cannot afford is not loving, it is irresponsible.

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Serving with a heart of resentment is not loving. I must either choose to say “no” to future requests for my time, energy, or resources, or I must choose to own my “yes,” and serve with a loving attitude. If I don’t feel loving, I can ask God to help me, because God is love. (I John 4:8)

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I should not give everyone permission to speak into my life. It is an honor and a privilege to offer insights on my character, my purpose, my motives, my parenting, my marriage, my finances, my career, my weight, or my children. People must earn this honor by knowing me, loving me, and looking out for my best interests. If I do not feel comfortable with someone speaking into my life, I have the right, the responsibility, and the power to excuse myself from the conversation.

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As I learn to set healthy boundaries, I will be completely humble and gentle. I will also be patient and will bear with one another in love. (Ephesians 4:2). I will love my people where they are now, not where I want them to be.

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If you missed any post in this series, click here for Part One: Your Holiday To-Don’t List,

and here for Part Two: Steering Clear of the Comparison Trap.

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From the bottom of my heart, I want to wish each of you a very Merry Christmas. I truly appreciate the time you take to show up when I write stuff.

You are the reason I keep doing it. 🙂

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Comments are currently not working on my blog. If you want to let me know your thoughts, feel free to email me at thescooponbalance@gmail.com. Sorry for the inconvenience. 🙁

Finding Your Holiday Balance, Part Two: Steering Clear of the Comparison Trap

I have never met a woman who does not struggle with comparison on some level. She may exist, but I’ve never met her, is all I’m saying. We already know that falling into the Comparison Trap steals our joy on a regular day, but did you know it can actually ruin the holidays? This is because everything in December gets cranked up and concentrated and intensified. That little distraction of comparison that causes you to veer out of your lane every so often on a normal day will propel you straight into oncoming traffic and cause a head-on collision over the holidays.

So, today I’m giving you Four Common Holiday Comparison Traps, followed by a few strategies to help you avoid them.

1. Picture-perfect Fake Holidays — or — Dysfunctional Family Gatherings

Holiday expectations (at least in the U.S.) have these two distinct narratives.

The Picture Perfect Fake Holiday involves a mash-up of the following images: chestnuts roasting on an open fire; a thick white layer of fresh-fallen snow; excited children with sparkly eyes in matching pjs; magical(?); a new car in the driveway (preferably a Lexus) with a giant red bow on top –alternatively– a tiny box with an expensive piece of diamond jewelry inside (placed lovingly into your hand by your husband who has the perfect 5-o’clock shadow and also matching pjs); and a loving multi-generational family wearing cozy sweaters gathered around a large table as the Honey Baked Ham and Pillsbury crescent rolls (steaming hot) are placed in the center. The lighting, warm, and the tablescape…flawless. This image may or may not involve a puppy, depending on how you feel about dogs.

On the other end of the extreme is Disaster and Dysfunction: crazy alcoholic Uncle Bob saying inappropriate things while sipping spiked eggnog; your controlling and perfectly coiffed mother-in-law insisting you drag your small children away from their gifts on Christmas morning to celebrate at her meticulously decorated home on the other end of town (because this is how we’ve always done it) while she also criticizes your parenting skills and/or your current weight; stress and debt and chaos and destructive family dynamics, all reminding you of why you moved to the other end of town and hate Christmas with a red-hot passion.

How to Avoid This Trap

May I submit that real-life holidays are neither extreme? At least not entirely. For most of us, they are a balance of both. A little magical and a little crazy. They fall somewhere in between, with elements of the two extremes living side-by-side.

It may be that you have a delicious dinner display on your dining room table, while at the exact same time, your relatives are having a heated and divisive argument in the driveway over politics.

That’s normal. That’s okay.

Don’t judge the success or failure of your holiday based on either narrative. Most of these ideas were planted in our minds by song lyrics, movie scripts, and marketing campaigns anyway. Going into this month with realistic expectations will help you enjoy the magic while also dismissing the chaos.

2. Other People Who Do the Holiday-Thing Better Than You

Maybe your sister has the best house for hosting, while you are stuck in a one-bedroom rental.

Maybe your mom always makes the perfect dessert spread, while you have never baked a batch of cookies without burning them.

Maybe your brother shows up with his well-behaved and polite kids, while yours are glued to their phones and refuse to make eye-contact.

How to Avoid This Trap

Well, for one, you can ask your sister to host the event and encourage your mom to bring the desserts. Everyone is good at something–why not release people do what they love and go where they thrive? Let them shine. Lavish them with affirmation. Be their biggest fans.

At the gathering, sit down next to those perfectly-poised nieces and nephews and have a life-giving conversation with them. Love the HECK out of those kids. Find out what makes them tick. Tell them funny stories from your youth. Ask them lots of questions. I guarantee, they are fighting battles just like your kids are — they feel insecure and uncertain and scared, just like your kids. They need cheerleaders, not judges. Then, pull your brother aside and say, “You’re doing a great job with your children. I always knew you’d be a great dad. I’m proud of you.”

In other words, shine the spotlight as brightly as you can on the people you love. This is one of the most effective strategies for successfully avoiding the Comparison Trap.

Meanwhile, you find the thing you love to do, and get busy becoming great at it.

3. Social Media

These were my literal thoughts last December while viewing Facebook:

Oh my gosh, she had professional photos taken and has the cutest card!
She bought all her presents and had them wrapped and under the tree by December 1!
She baked the most beautiful cookies with her kids—and made ginger bread houses!
She hosted a fancy Christmas party in her home and made all the food herself!
She went to New York City and attended the Macy’s Parade!
She attended the Nutcracker with her girls!
took the kids ice skating…
went to a live manger…
did donuts with Santa…
gave presents to a needy family…
went to the Bahamas…
snuggled with her children with hot chocolate and watched Christmas movies…
attended Christmas Eve Candlelight Service…
made homemade gifts for all the teachers…
did acts of kindness every day during Advent…
hosted a cookie exchange…
hid that freaking Elf on the Shelf every blessed day!

Then, I took each of those twenty things that twenty different people did, and I morphed them into ONE FAKE PERSON. One fake person who is seemingly perfect, doing all the things during the holidays.

Am I the only one who does this?

How to Avoid This Trap

This one is simple: Stay off social media if you know it is toxic to you. I have never regretted stepping away from social media during the holidays — or any time I know it’s making me cray-cray. You probably have a hundred good reasons to stay, but I think avoiding something that drives you crazy trumps them all. I promise, it will be okay. Most people don’t even notice when you take a break anyway. (Is it the algorythms or is she taking a break? Who knows? Who cares?)

4. What We Did Last Year/What We’ve Always Done

We always travel to grandmas. We always decorate cookies. We always send Christmas cards. We always gather with extended family on New Year’s Eve and do a White Elephant Gift Exchange beginning youngest to oldest, except on Leap Year when we do reverse order…

When something goes well, it’s understandable that you’d to try to recreate it year after year. But holding all holidays to the standard of Christmas Past is just another sneaky version of The Comparison Trap.

How to Avoid This Trap

It’s impossible to compare yourself and your holiday celebration to any version of your past and remain joyful at the same time. Families change. Kids grow up. People die. People move. People divorce and remarry. Life is constantly evolving. Change is normal and healthy.

(Notice, I didn’t say change is easy. It’s not. It’s super hard.)

The best way to approach your people on any day –but especially over the holidays — is to love them where they are today. Not where they were. Not where you want them to be. This requires a deliberate mindset shift. It means saying, “I loved what we’ve done all these years, where my people were, etc” and at the exact same time, saying, “And while things are different now, I will love and appreciate the stage we are in now.”

Don’t be afraid to drop old traditions and try something new. You may discover you or your family like something even better. Or maybe they all secretly hated the White Elephant Gift Exchange after all, and were afraid to tell you! And now they are tickled pink that you’ve decided to draw names or forgo gifts instead. Flexibility and creativity are two essential life-skills and this is the time to hone them.

***

A little note from me: In Finding Your Holiday Balance, Part One, I said I’d be posting every week-ish. Well, I’m super proud of myself for adding the “ish” to that promise, because it took me exactly three weeks to publish Part Two. I realize none of you are looking at your calendars wondering why I’m not publishing the next part. But I hate to appear irresponsible or flakey, so…Just know, a lot of life is happening between these posts, and I’m over here trying my hardest to find my own Holiday Balance so I can help you find yours.

See you next week for Part Three!

Maybe. 🙂

***

If you want to learn more about the Comparison Trap, I’ve written two whole chapters about it in my book, Finding Your Balance. It would make a great Christmas gift for the woman in your life who feels overwhelmed and stretched. Or for you…

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1) Choose the Right Job

2) Create a Shared Calendar

3) Set Clear Expectations

4) Help Him Be His Own Advocate

5) Lead by Example

So, without further adieu, here’s a list of highlights and lessons, both big and small, from my 2018.

My lack of blogging was not a lack of writing, though:

Here’s a highlight reel of what I learned last year.

1) I learned what it means to “Abide.”

2) Speaking of that retreat, I learned I CAN organize and speak at the same retreat but I will never, ever, ever (ever!) do that again.

3) I learned how to create a Power Point presentation with animations.

4) I learned to pay attention.

5) I learned everything takes longer than I think it will.

6) I learned that backsliding into habitual lateness is easy to do.

7) I learned that turning 50 wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

8) I learned that eating a ketogenic diet is horrible for me.

9) I learned that eating a plant-based diet is wonderful for me.

10) I learned how to make my own almond milk.

11) I learned that New York City is both amazing and overwhelming.

12) I learned that selling a book is hard work.

13) I learned that radio and podcasts are my jam.

14) I learned that Voxer is so fun!

This post contains an affiliate link, which means, if you click through and buy that bracelet, I will receive a small commission for referring you there, at no additional cost to you.

A Healthy Holiday Manifesto

For Recovering People-Pleasers

If you missed any post in this series, click here for Part One: Your Holiday To-Don’t List,

and here for Part Two: Steering Clear of the Comparison Trap.

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From the bottom of my heart, I want to wish each of you a very Merry Christmas. I truly appreciate the time you take to show up when I write stuff.

You are the reason I keep doing it. 🙂

Comments are currently not working on my blog. If you want to let me know your thoughts, feel free to email me at thescooponbalance@gmail.com. Sorry for the inconvenience. 🙁

1. Picture-perfect Fake Holidays — or — Dysfunctional Family Gatherings

How to Avoid This Trap

2. Other People Who Do the Holiday-Thing Better Than You

How to Avoid This Trap

3. Social Media

How to Avoid This Trap

4. What We Did Last Year/What We’ve Always Done

How to Avoid This Trap