Freedom From Perfection, Part 3: Re-Examine the Painful Memories

The test was almost over. So far, I felt great about the written portion. I completed the driving portion without error. Now, for the third and final test, I had to maneuver my Dad’s brown station wagon through the pylons and then back out. Nothing to it, right? Sure, it was a station wagon, but it was small as far as station wagons go.

In the weeks prior, my Dad had spent hours practicing with me behind K-Mart with a make-shift Maneuver Ability Test. I love my Dad, but it’s like our family joke that Dad was not the most fun guy to teach all seven of us how to drive. I guess you could say, he didn’t really have the temperament conducive to patient instruction.

I felt ready, but I was scared out of my wits. Hitting even one of those orange cones meant immediate failure—a delay in getting my driver’s license for another few weeks, and facing the Wrath of Dad.

I drove forward with ease. You’re almost there, Sandy…you can do it. Then I put the car in reverse and positioned myself so I could see out the back window. I backed up. Slowly. Sloooowly. Sloooooooowly.

BAM!!!!!

Oh no! I hit something! Please God, please tell me I didn’t hit a pylon!!!

My eyes darted to the instructor strapped in my passenger’s seat. His face expressionless, he stated bluntly, “You failed.” And then proceeded to make a note on his clipboard.

“Can I try again?” I pleaded.

“No.”

That was that. I failed.

My sister was waiting for me in the lobby of the DMV. She embraced me when she saw the look on my face and knew this called for nothing less than a Taco Bell Taco Salad. As we sat, consuming our thousand-calorie edible bowls that we thought were healthy because they contained salad, we talked about how Dad was going to completely freak when he realized I failed the test. I mean COMPLETELY freak. Knowing I had her support was helpful, but it didn’t compensate for the fact that I had disappointed my father. Again. In a big, big way.

We walked through the front door of our home, spotted Mom and Dad, and shook our heads. All I remember after that is Dad picking up his car keys and whipping them at the dining room wall, and shouting an expletive at me. My sister put her arm around me and said, “It’s okay.” I’m sure Mom said something reassuring, as well. And she probably dragged Dad out by the ear and raked him over the coals, because she was just so spunky that way.

But 16-year-old me didn’t hear it or didn’t notice. 16-year-old me absorbed Dad’s wrath and disapproval into my core. 16-year-old me engraved across my tender, impressionable heart: IT IS NEVER OKAY TO MESS UP. I tucked that truth lie away, and stuffed it deep within me, along with hundreds of incidents just like this one, which occurred as far back as I could remember—and continued to occur for decades after.

Friends, it is really, really difficult for me to share this memory with you. For one, I don’t want to dishonor my father in any way. I love my Dad very much. And he did a lot of things right. A LOT of things. In fact, I bet if he could go back and revisit this 1985 flashback with me, he would respond totally differently. In fact, I know he would.

Also, it’s just a really crappy memory that I would just assume stay stuffed away in a dusty crevice somewhere. I don’t want to pull it out and feel it again. It hurts.

But here’s what provokes me to sit here with a box of Puffs and take a risk and continue typing: healing only comes when we take those past experiences—the ones that caused us to engrave lies on our hearts—and reexamine them in the light of God’s truth.

See, I didn’t just watch my Dad freak out and shrug my shoulders and say, “Whatever…I’ll retake the test in a few weeks and I’ll get my license and 25 years from now I’ll be driving a minivan for hours a day that wreaks of potty accidents and spilled juice.” No. Instead, I allowed his overreaction (and the many others just like it) to shape my view of the world, my view of myself and my view of God.

Chances are, if you struggle with perfectionism, you probably have some view-shaping incidents in your past, as well. Maybe it was a parent. Or perhaps a teacher. Or a boss. Or a pastor. I don’t know what they said or did, but something (multiple things) in your past engraved deep into your heart the lie that it’s never okay to mess up.

I told you that I’m walking this road to freedom with you. So here’s what I’m doing: I’m carefully taking out these painful memories one-at-a-time. I’m holding them. I’m feeling them. And then I’m inviting God to shine His Light of Truth on them. I’m asking God to take the living, active power of His Word and decimate the lies that I engraved on my tender heart. I’m asking Him to mend the wounded, confused places that I’ve carried with me into my 40’s.

The ones that still whisper, “It’s not okay to mess up.”

I’m asking Him to replace those lies with Truth. Truth about the way the world works. Truth about me. And Truth about God.

Will you join me?

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1


“Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him.” Isaiah 30:18

“But where sin increased, grace increased all the more” Romans 5:20

“’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9


“I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” Galatians 2:21


“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God” Ephesians 2:8


“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope,” 2 Thessalonians 2:16


“The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 1 Timothy 1:14


“He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,” 2 Timothy 1:9


“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16