Freedom From Perfection, Part 2, The Root of Perfectionism
When you’re into Perfection, keep on your toes
You have to be quick, ‘cuz here how it goes
Push the plunger down, set the timer
Put the pieces in place, don’t be slow
In Perfection, you’ve gotta move on fast, move on fast
Or the pieces pop out before you put in the last
And that’s Perfection.
You have to be quick, ‘cuz here how it goes
Push the plunger down, set the timer
Put the pieces in place, don’t be slow
In Perfection, you’ve gotta move on fast, move on fast
Or the pieces pop out before you put in the last
And that’s Perfection.
Perfection was my favorite game as a child. And after looking over those lyrics from the 1970’s jingle, it is really no big coincidence that I now struggle with perfectionism as an adult. I mean seriously…rushing frantically to put the pieces in place before the whole thing explodes? That pretty much sums up my life. And just when I get that game nailed down, they come out with SUPERFECTION? Are you kidding me?
I wish I could say the roots of my struggle with perfection began and ended with a favorite childhood game. In reality, my perfectionism story probably started in the creation of my DNA. God knew exactly what He was doing when He constructed my detail-oriented, need-for-achievement little brain. He fully intended for me to use that power for good. But a combination of a distinct family structure, combined with a distinct church structure, combined with various school and work experiences has led to a 40-something year old woman who carries a very heavy weight. And that is something God NEVER intended.
I loved reading your comments in the first two posts, because it confirmed to me that the roots of perfectionism are as unique and personal as each of you.
So what are the roots? Based on your comments, my own experience and a little bit of research, I’ve come up with the following list. Do you see yourself in any of these?
The Roots of Perfectionism
1. Temperament: I firmly believe that certain personality types are more susceptible to perfectionism than others. Which leads me to believe that temperament of a perfectionist is not erred or flawed in and of itself. God gives us our unique temperaments so that we can accomplish our specific purpose on this earth. Our temperament is a gift. Given a loving a nurturing environment, a detail-oriented, structured and high-achieving personality type will greatly excel in life. I don’t know about you, but there are some things I really WANT a detail-oriented, structured and high-achieving person doing for me. Like performing surgery on my brain, for example. Or filing my taxes.
But like I said before, I’m pretty sure I have some hard-wiring toward this. And to that end, I don’t want to try to undo my hard-wiring. I would just like to use it for the purpose God intended, and not to form it into a dumbbell that I tie around my neck and drag with me through life.
2. Product of Critical Parent: According to Clinical Psychologist Dr. Margaret Jordan, “at the root of perfectionism is usually an early experience in life of not enough reassurance and encouragement, possibly combined with implied or directly stated criticism, blame, or punishment. This kind of start in life, which may even come from well-meaning parents, fosters a feeling of insecurity and the fantasy in the child that if only he or she can do things just right, the parent will be happy, will show love, or will stop the criticism. The child grows up needing evidence from other people of her worth, because she doesn’t have an inner sense of being good enough as she is. But no matter how much positive feedback is received, the need is never satisfied, and the insecurity remains.”
I can relate. I was blessed to have very loving parents. In fact, I will preface all of this by saying, I pray I can be HALF the mother to my kids that my Mom was to me. She’s my hero. Seriously. My parents were amazing, and I thank God I was raised in such a loving, stable home.
My Dad (now age 86)is a product of Polish, illiterate immigrants. His mother was harsh and militant. His father was an alcoholic, distant and absent. His childhood was The Great Depression. My dad never finished high school because he had to work to support his mother and seven siblings.
It’s a miracle my Dad ever learned to love or give or show any semblance of emotion, based on that brief history alone. But he did his best to love my Mom and his kids (married 50 years before Mom died in 1998!). They worked hard to live completely debt-free (always!), put us all through private schools and pay for college for those of us who chose to go. Mom put aside all her personal goals and dreams to stay home and raise seven children. Like I said, my hero, she is.
Not surprisingly, Dad was often critical and rigid, structured and orderly. Mom, by contrast, was warm and nurturing, which buffered Dad’s emotional distance. But Mom also struggled with numerous health issues and clinical depression most of my childhood. Both my parents had an intense fear of change.
I could offer lots of examples of this and how certain childhood incidents shaped my perfectionist personality, and maybe I will later, but for now I’ll just say that I’m certain my perfectionism roots had plenty of room to thrive in my home environment.
3. Product of a Critical Church Environment: Similar to a parental environment, a legalistic, rule-based church environment can plant and/or water the seeds of perfectionism.
Again, I am so blessed to be in a country where we can assemble freely and worship God without being tortured. It’s crazy how spoiled we are here in the U.S. By no work of my own, I was given the opportunity to know Jesus from a young age. I can’t even put into words just how thankful I am for that. So hear this next little portion of my post in the right tone, and not the whiney, brat-like tone I am trying to avoid.
Just like well-meaning parents (who are also flawed and dysfunctional), churches, too, are governed by people who are flawed and dysfunctional. And the most well-meaning church leaders can produce and foster an environment that is focused disproportionately on the outward. In churches like this, performance, church attendance, participation in church functions, following the church rules (both written and implied) and the wearing of certain clothing become the standards by which holiness is measured. When the love, grace and mercy of God are not the foundation upon which we build our church and measure holiness, we end up with Christians who try incessantly and tirelessly to earn the favor of God and men by jumping through the right hoops.
It’s exhausting. I know, because I was part of a church like this during a significant segment of my life. I was a rule-keeping kind of girl, so I fell easily into the rhythm of my church culture. I learned early on that people liked me a LOT when I dressed a certain way, said “yes” to everything that was asked of me and whole-heartedly obeyed my church leaders. I was a perfectionism train-wreck waiting to happen.
4. Fear: Fear is the root of so many of our spiritual weights. I’m not sure if it’s a result of some of these other factors, or if it deserves its own little number. Maybe both. I just know, at the root of perfectionism is a fear of rejection. A fear of failure. A fear of punishment. I’ve never considered myself a fearful person…but now I’m not so sure.
5. Pride: Like fear, pride is at the root of just about everything we are apart from God. Regarding perfection, it involves firstly, the lie that anything other than God can be perfect. And secondly, the lie that we can be what God called us to be through our abilities, our strengths, our efforts and our knowledge.
I hate when God reveals pride in my heart. But I don’t know that any of us can honestly say we don’t struggle with pride on some level. Especially us perfectionists.
Do you see yourself in any of these? What would you add to this list?
1. I don't think I am naturally a perfectionist. I am not overly organized although I thrive in structured environments. I have a job that requires me to be meticulous but I allow myself a little room for reasonable error. I am okay with rounding off and estimating. I also do not make lists and mark them off. I would not consider myself like Bree from Desperate Housewives.
2. My parents have unspoken high expectations of me. Well, maybe they are not "unspoken"; they have certainly been communicated. Being immigrants, themselves, they have had to work very hard and have always had the desire for their children's success. And at times, they might attribute our "failures" to certain short comings.
My parents certainly were not "Tiger" parents. Although my oldest sister has always had very high expectations of me. And I still dread her visiting my house as I know she will INSPECT, JUDGE, and CRITICIZE. Just like she did when we were kids and our rooms, the house etc were not in perfect order.
3. I was indoctrinated early in the theology that if you obeyed then you were under the umbrella of protection and nothing bad would happen to you. If you stepped out from under that umbrella, it's fair game. I don't think that lines up with Job who was a righteous man nor with Elizabeth being barren and blameless. But….it did create a psychology that if I wanted to be blessed and protected and let's face it, God's grace, I needed to "earn" it.
I do find now that I "fear" judgement when I don't feel I measure up. I do feel "anxiety" or "dread" at certain events where I think that I will be judged for not being the perfect guest, hostess, parent etc.
So I do "fear" judgement and lack of acceptability.
A lot of it comes down to feeling judged and not good enough. And if something doesn't work out for whatever reason, it usually has something to do with me.
Let's put it this way. You will not catch me in a cute bathing suit until I lose 20 lbs. You will not see a picture posted of me that has not been authorized by me and a good picture (my picture on my ID badge at work was taken 10 times before I approved); my driver's license was taken 2 times before it received approval.
If you came over to my house today, I would apologize for the mess (which is subject to interpretation).
I've considered selling my house and downgrading to a townhouse because I cannot maintain my house to my standards.
And I didn't see American Idol this week. Did I miss anything good?
Oh… yes. Oh so much of my perfectionism is the fear… and alot of it is pride… and YES oh do I HATE to admit that… it lurks at my every corner… and when I think I'm getting away from it… it's there EVEN stronger. Thank you Sandy. Reading this is challenging, comforting, and empowering. Love, jenny
I have worked for years and even some more with a fantastic counselor last year . . . to be more comfortable being emotionally honest with those I love the most.(My family was very comfortable with positive emotions, but not negative emotions.) I really have to think about this . . . and read your post several times and process this . . . is any of this
perfectionism. Thinking . . .
Fondly,
Glenda
Ohhh definitely temperament and I guess I must admit pride too. Hard to swallow this stuff. But praise God, He did create me with a unique temperatment and personality that is intended for good. So there is no condemnation in what I'm discovering about myself every day.
Sandy,
I had both of the games growing up and no one could beat me. I was the master!!!
I saw myself in all of the areas. For instance, in the 7th grade I had all A's on my report card, except for an A- in science – always my weakest subject. My mother's only comment was "Why did you get an A- in science?" Clearly, it made the impression since I now remember it lo these many years later.
Lori
i called my mom after reading this "were either you or daddy critical of us growing up?"
she laughed "are you serious? why did you throw your cleats at your dad and storm off the soccer field if not for critism?"
the convo then branched into a family tree discussion about how they were better than their parents but still not what they ought to have been.
all of that because the remodel job at my house isn't going to suit me and I visited the "stuff christians like" blog for a laugh.