1. You amaze me, dear lady. What a story….When you tell me God is good, and God is faithful, I BELIEVE IT. You know of what, of WHOM you speak!
    Noah is indeed a beautiful little boy. Thanks for sharing him with us.

    You are a blessing!
    Your friend,

  2. As someone who has battled depression for about 5 years now, but only late last year got up the nerve to finally discuss it with my doctor, I am very excited to have stumbled across your blog! I am doing much better now that I’ve accepted medication and I’m praying that God will provide a way to be glorified through my struggles! Thank you for sharing!

  3. I love you even more now. What an amazing testimony. I love how willing you are to share, hopeful f helping someone else. I can’t wait to see what wisdom you have learned and see the journey your faith took through these trials, as all I have ever know is the beautiful Sandy on the other side of all that. More and more I am sure God brought us together for a reason.

  4. Sandy,

    Thank you for being so vulnerable, so open to sharing, so brave. Your struggles touch me. It’s in the darkness that the Light shines the most brightly, huh? I’ve learned this by traveling in the dark through many long nights myself.

    Noah was such a beautiful boy. Thank you so very much for sharing him here.

  5. Sandy, that is an amazing post, I love how the Lord works in our lives, I may share some of the times He has spoken to me….what an encouragement He has been to me in dark times.
    I don’t know how some people make it through life without knowing Him, for me it would be like life without air…suffocating and uncomfortable. I rely on Him for everything and I pray about everything. How wonderful it is to know Noah is with Him and you will see him again, thank you for the encouraging posts. I am going through a raging storm but the Lord is my shelter.

  6. You were right about the Kleenex! I cannot imagine the heaviness you must have carried in your heart. It is truly amazing how you weathered those storms and are free (or on the road to freedom) from that place. Praise God!

  7. Sandy,
    I know I’ve told you many times before, but you completely amaze me. Noah is gorgeous in every way. Thank you for introducing him to all of us. You are a woman with unbelievable strength, courage, and faith!

    I have never lost a child, but my pregnancies were “high risk”. I has a stroke with Noah at 35 weeks. I had left sided weakness that last 5 days, but I soon recovered and he was born healthy.

    When I got pregnant with Avery they tested me for 3 different blood disorders (thinking that I only had 1 of them). Turns out I have all 3 – which worsen when your pregnant. All three disorders do the same thing, they thicken your blood causing blood clots (which is why I had the stroke with Noah).

    So, in order for me and Avery, who was growing inside me, to be safe I took 27 pills a day, and had to give myself two injections in my belly a day. I also saw 2 doctors twice a week for stress test and updates.

    With prayers and support we got through it and Avery was born healthy, and I made it through safe and sound too. I was instructed to not have anymore children because the more children I have the higher chance I have of having a major heart attack or severe stroke.

    My children have a 50% chance of having my same disorders and will be tested around 10 years of age.

    It’s nothing compared to what you went through, but it brought me closer in my relationship with God. I’m thankful for it all happening, because my children saved my life. I would have never known about my disorders if it wasn’t for them, and most likely would have suffered a major stroke or heart attack without any warning.

    I’m so looking forward to your series and thank you so much for opening your heart to us!

  8. Oh Sandy. I just can’t even imagine…I can’t even fathom all this. Your strength and courage in deciding to share it all with us is nothing short of amazing.

    The pictures of sweet Noah are precious, Sandy. I’m so glad you included them. They just reached right out and grabbed me.

    I’m really looking forward to learning more about how God spoke to you through all this. Again, thank you so much for sharing.

    I’ve got some crazy respect for you, girl.

    Blessings and Love,
    Kate 🙂

  9. Thanks for sharing the heart breaking storm you went through with little Noah, such a beautiful little boy. Praise God for the faith and advice of your two friends, and that God gave you all that extra time with him. And the way in which God sustained you, and helped you through those seven years – and I know, that seven years would have felt like seventy.

    My wife and I lost our first little one due to an ectopic pregnancy. We were so crushed when the hospital told us afterwards that my wife had something wrong with her womb which meant that any further attempts to get pregnant from her remaining tube would mostly likely result in an ectopic as well. After months of no hope, a dear friend, the minister who married us, counselled us and encouraged us with Joshua 1:5-9. To cut the story short, God gave us a gift of faith, and we now have a 11 year old daughter and 4 year old son.

    I know God will use your testimony through your blog to touch the lives of others who are in that dark place, and help guide them to wholeness again.

    And thanks also for your feedback on my blog – I think our diary’s must have been pressed from the same printing press. On 27 March 1990, while severly depressed, I also wrote those exact same words to God, “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME! Are You trying to force me to come to You? Well, what do You think I’ve been doing on my knees for the past three months!” And you are right, recovery from depression is a serious issue, and as it can be treated, we need to give it our full attention. Being whole again, after that nightmare, I compare to looking out a window to see a sunny, blue sky after an endless black storm.

  10. Sandy
    God surely smiled the day that you were born. So many lives are touched by your transparency and willingness to let Him use you. Thank you!

  11. Oh Sandy, I’m so sorry for all the pain you’ve endured. Faith in the Truth of His Word gets you through. One day you will see Noah again and he’ll be perfect. I know what it is to lose a mother but to have it so close to the time of Noah’s death is overwhelming.

    I’ve suffered with depression which has typically been situational. Most times I’m fine but when circumstances get overwhelming I struggle with this too. That’s also another reason why I intentionally try to keep up my exercise because it helps me to feel better.

    Sandy, thank you for being so transparent and honest in your writing. I’m sure this wasn’t easy to do as you are usually so upbeat and funny. But I also understand that too. I think the Lord brought us together for a reason, friend.

    I love you girl!

  12. Sandy . . . my heart beats faster as it awaits more of your story . . . as God continues to unfold His great love through your testimony. I pray your heart heals a little more with each old ‘pain’ you choose to share with us. May the salve of His mercy bring healing to your wounds . . . and may the Lord shower you with kisses in a way that only He can do.
    God bless you my friend! You are beautiful inside and out. 🙂

  13. Sandy,
    Thank you for your willingness to be so authentic and transparant. I don't know that there is a greater gift to give your readers. Your willingness to tell us about your journey with God in such a personal way is such a blessing to all of us.

    My husband and I went through 3 miscarraiges. Every miscarraige was due to a placental defect/autoimmune disorder that I have. I was so depressed and grief-filled that God was the only one who could put me back together. The guilt was unbelievable.

    All that to say, your post took me back to the hours of my greatest need for God. It's good to go back and remember how I felt and how amazing God is. Thank you for reminding me. It's easy to lose sight of that.

    Have a great weekend!

  14. Yes… the tissue box came in handy when I read this heartfelt message.

    The picture with your mother and son brought me to tears!! I know she is with your son in heaven <3 I admire your strength and faithfulness in precious Jesus.

    I've battled depression my whole life, recently a doctor diagnosed me with "Borderline Personality Disorder" when I was twenty (2 years ago) so I have an idea about your emotional turmoil.

    You inspire me and thank you for sharing a chapter from your life. Bless you for that!

    <3 Martha

  15. Peter Stone directed me over here, and WOW, I’m so glad I came. Your vulnerability in sharing your heartbreak and depression are a precious, precious jewel from the Lord. So many people need to hear how God is with us in the midst of suffering. And depression. And discouragement. I’ve had all 3 my whole life, and the Lord, my Papa, has been present throughout it all. Without Him, it would’ve been impossible to live through.

    I just gotta gotta add you to my blogroll, I hope you don’t mind. I know many will be encouraged by your authenticity and willingness to show His beauty through the battle scars.

    In Christ,

  16. Even though you shared this story with me in person, I couldn’t help but read every word. God is using your journey to touch the lives of others. Thank you for sharing.

  17. I came back by from your Holly post that I read earlier. And now I am sitting here all teary.

    I have always noticed your sweet and joy filled comments over at Lysa’s….having no idea all of the pain that you have faced. Truly God has obviously carried you through and done amazing things in your life.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little Noah, but so grateful you are allowing God to use you as a vessel for His hope and love and joy.

    Blessings! It is so nice to “meet” you.

  18. Blessings Sandy…I'm not very far into your journey, as you can see but I have been here almost 3 hours and 14 people later…I'm still here. I know I visited you back in April from Peter's blog after just discovering his amazing story & now here I am mesmerized in another blog of a GREAT WRITER!

    I'm so sorry that I am coming to know you through this long suffering story and the aMazing miracle of Noah. Now I thought that Kayleigh's story was a Miracle but this is a wonderful testimony to Noah & his life as well as to God speaking to you!

    I am so blessed to have these 3 hours here, holding on to your every word & the hope & faith that you have! I came here today to read your prayer & scripture for Kayleigh, who I just met through praying for her & the Freeman's on line also via Sita's Sanctum blog…(don't know if you know each other or not but I know she linked to here). It is an honor to read how God is ministering & touching others through your words & heartache.

    I'm so glad that you have your other children in your life. I certainly know that it's not the same as having Noah still there for he will never be replaced, but that is how God watches out for us & helps our healing along. I'm thankful that you chose not to leave this on a sad(tissue) note but brought us through this storm
    and rollercoaster ride at least on a happier note. I get very emotionally involved with journeys,
    I guess. But I appreciate that you weigh each part you share and clearly are spirit led.

    I bookmarked you back when you were nominated in the Top 100 CWO. Now I realize that they were extremely kind to include me because my writing pales in comparison and when I write, I don't get readers. I am totally impressed beyond words
    with your insights & transparency, the knowing just how to tell & how much & what! I marvel at your words, even when you are sharing the dark, painful times. You were coherent & specific in purpose & delivery. I wish I was a publisher.

    So, at this point, I only have one question (if you wouldn't mind):
    Are you putting this series or any of what you call "series" into a book? I truly believe that this is a book waiting to be shared & read.
    They seem like chapters being layed out by the Spirit as you work through & walk out your faith & healing from depression & death of a child in this case…but both bring us to that dark place where only Jesus can break through & rescue & heal us step by step!
    You are well on your way. I consider this a honor & privilege
    to share your journey.

    Oh,…I guess I lied…not intentionally…I have another question: since this happened back in the 90s, why are your posts a current series and it looks like still in progress? (if you don't mind sharing) It causes me to wonder that you are just working this through or able to write about it now…after being here so long, you would have thought I'd have checked when you started your blog, but I didn't…I saw that you had other excellent series that I read a few when I needed a break from your heart wrenching journey. Yet it is all so intricately woven. I respect you and graciously thank you for sharing your journey. Though I have not grieved the loss of my own child, I have grieved many losses: death is never easy.
    Death of anything…My mom & dad & youngest brother have passed into eternity & many others but there are other deaths(besides physical
    death) that impacts your life the same. Thank you for your heart & your writings but mostly YOU! You are an aMazing mom & child of Our King! May you be blessed to further
    bless us with your journey! Thanks!

    [Now you can tell why I don't comment after each post I've read.]
    Sorry 🙁

  19. Unsure how I missed reading this before but the Lord led me here now. I was deeply moved through your experience of grace and compassion; heartache and God’s divine love and mercy. Noah is beautiful and I pray God’s arms remain around you and your hubby until you are reunited with him in heaven.

    I love you.

    P.S. Do you know Cindy who lost her 16 yr old son Joshua about 6 years ago? I think she’d tremendously be encouraged by you.

  20. Thanks for sharing your story. I am going through a storm right now. I just stumbled across your blog and I believe God revealed it to me. I gave birth to identical twin girls in August. I had a routine ultrasound at 34 weeks and the doctor informed me that baby “b” did not have a heartbeat. We did an emergency c section. It was such a bittersweet moment. Josie was born healthy 4 lbs. 14 oz. She screamed so loud and we cried tears of joy. A minute later, Gracie was born, the room was silent. The cord was wrapped around her neck. We buried Gracie a few days later. I am struggling every day. I am very depressed. I am so thankful to have Josie, but I am so devasted that I lost Gracie. God is faithful! I do not understand all of his ways! But I will continue to trust him and hopefully I will see the “big” picture one day.

  21. I stumbled upon your site somewhat late, but I see that you have not closed your comments.

    I think every mother must feel for you. You have experienced a mother's worst fears. I know some of what you have been through — of four children and two grandchildren, we have four children with serious birth defects in the family and three of the four were given anywhere from a 0% to 50% chance of survival. At one point, I had to steal my younger son, Doah, from one hospital and flee with him out of state to another hospital to save him and then to a third state to a doctor I found through researching medical journals who could cure him — years later the head of ENT at Children's National Medical Center in DC where we had moved asked to speak to me. He held out his hand and said that he wanted to shake the hand of the mother who had found the only doctor in the entire USA who could have healed her son at the time. Doah is now 30 years old. Our latest journey is with our granddaughter, Nikolina, who was born with OEIS Complex (organs in the wrong place, some missing, and some in pieces — body wide open at birth; essentially she arrived disassembled, and doctors had to reassemble her, leaving many of her organs in the wrong place as long as they were functioning). If that were not enough, we took in a Siberian boy years ago who was dying from spina bifida (treatable in the USA at the time and now the worst problems can be taken care of in utero).

    A little book that I found very insightful — and I wonder if you have seen it — is Dale Rogers Evans' Angel Unaware.

    Bless you for your great website. It will be a help to many. (It seems that is already has been, judging by the posts.)

    You must be very special to God.

  22. Thank you for sharing your pain. What a wonderful faith that shines through your story. I wish I could give you a hug! I am sending to you though all my live in Christ, Leslie.

  23. I stumbled upon your blog during a Google search and want to thank you for the story of your son Noah. I was compelled to read your story because my husband and I lost twin boys in December 1997 at 28 weeks, my birthday is October 5, we have adopted two of our three living children, and my oldest son's birthday is also October 5th. Thank you and may God bless you and your wonderful family!

  24. Hey Sandy,

    I'm back…oh my, what a POWERFUL testimony of the faithfulness of our mighty God in your life!

    I've never lost a child but I watched my mother grieve for her 18 year old son who was murdered.

    I watched her go to court,forgive and move on through so much pain and sorrow because of us.

    I buried my mom (who was my very best friend in the WORLD) when I was 29 and the mother of 4 children under the age of 7.

    3 years to the day, my father was run over by a speeding car. Then I was the one in court for weeks and having to forgive a man that took my father from me.

    Another brother died shortly after of lung cancer in this 30's.

    And years later I got the call that my 16 year old had a brain tumor.

    We've been through 2 surgeries, chemo and rads.

    He is also learning disabled, and on so many meds for a total hormone replacement.

    BUT…I have him. I've always feared losing a child because of my mother's experience.

    Sorry if this is depressing. It's part of my testimony.

    I've never written about it on my blog, only a few friends know it in full.

    I've left out many other stories of heart ache and betrayl.

    God has been with me every single step of the way!!! Faithful and sure, steady and STRONG.

    He is my ROCK.

    And I see He is yours! I'm so glad to have met you.

    Now,I'll be back to finish your amazing testimony.

    My heart broke to read about all you've endured, and I look forward to the day I'll get to meet Noah!!

  25. I'm at a loss for words Sandy! Such a beautiful testimony! Your Noah is such a beautiful, sweet little boy…thank you so much for sharing his life with us.

    I'm sorry I just can't say much right now, I'm so overwhelmed.
    Just thank you for having the strength to write…you are a blessing to me!


  26. oh my word — you have been through more than most in your life so far… and what an incredible outlook you still have. you are an amazing woman, no doubt about it!!!

  27. It amazes me how you can "know" someone for so long and not Know what is going on with them. I look forward to reading the rest of your blogs and perhaps having a more private convo.
    Stacey (k) xoxox

  28. So brave of you to tell that story. It touched me cause I to lost a child, but never got to spend time with him or her. Ihaven’t lost parent yet, but realistically know it’s coming. Thank you and I love you.

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