Reflections on a Missed Birthday
Today would be Noah’s 13th birthday. I never got to celebrate a single birthday with my son, because he died a few days shy of 9 months. To say “it really stinks” is quite the understatement. But, I gotta tell ya, it really stinks.
I never know what kind of emotion his birthday will spring forth in me. Over the years, I’ve run the full gamut—from complete grieving mess to melancholy, from thankful to stoic. Starting with his very first missed birthday in 1998 (complete grieving mess), I have given myself permission to feel or avoid whatever I need to feel or avoid to get through the day.
Mostly, I prefer to deal with all of this privately. It’s just too much to put out there for public opinion. I don’t want anyone else to touch it. After all these years, it still elicits exponentially more unintended emotion in me than all other painful experiences combined.
But today, I’m blogging about it. Not at all because I want to “process” it or work through my grief publicly. Oh heavens no. But because 13 years ago, I begged God to use my baby’s death for the advancement of His Kingdom. And I meant it. I really don’t want any of this pain to go to waste. Today, I want you to benefit somehow from Noah’s short life. From his death. From his 13th birthday.
If you were here in my house today on my little boy’s Missed 13th Birthday, and you were sitting across the kitchen table from me, this post is what I would say to you.
This morning, just before stepping into the shower, I turned on my iPod and heard the first few familiar chords of Tim McGraw’s “Live Like You Were Dyin.” Fitting for today, I think. I’ve often thought this would be a good song to listen to every single day. Required listening. Before I set my hand to do a single thing, stop and think, “would I do this—would I say this—If I were dying?” Now, that’s perspective.
If there is one thing I can truly say I appreciate about the experience of losing a child, it is the instant perspective it affords. In a single moment in June 1998, I understood what is important, and what is not. What is eternal and what is temporal. What deserves my time and what is a waste. But most importantly, I understood the reality that no one is promised tomorrow, and therefore, we must seize the opportunities afforded us today.
It is truly mind-blowing how I struggled with this concept daily my entire life and then in an INSTANT, as Noah’s life slipped out of my hand, I got it.
Don’t feel badly if you lose sight of this. We all do. I’m shocked sometimes at how often even I (the mother of a dead child) still lose sight of this. I swore to myself 13 years ago, I’d never lose sight of it, but I still do—all the time. Amazing. In a bad way.
So, on days like today when I see things a little more clearly, when I’d like nothing better than to be baking a chocolate cake and setting out some 13-year-old boy presents, this is what I want you to know:
~Pain is real. Pain is difficult. If you are going through something painful right now, I am so very, very sorry. Please remember, whatever pain you are going through today is only temporary. It really does end. It may get better in this world, or you may need to wait until you enter the next world, but all pain will end.
~The people in your life are more important than the items on your to-do list. We all have things to do. We have to work. We have to eat and shop and take care of our stuff. We are all busy, busy people. And for those of us whose lives are fueled by productivity and efficiency, it’s tempting to put off people altogether in order to accomplish things. Today, remember that loving God and loving people is the most eternally productive way to live your life.
~You will never regret extending forgiveness, mercy and grace to other people. If you are going to err, err on the side of grace.
~Spending time in the presence of God—reading His word, praying, worshiping, attending church—is time well-spent. Always. Saturating yourself in God gives you the strength and wisdom to face whatever life throws at you. It causes your mind to come in alignment with His will so you can discern His voice. When you discern God’s voice, you can know how He wants you to spend your time today. You won’t feel like you are floundering. God knows the number of days assigned to your life and to the lives of the people you love most. Cling desperately to God—to every word that proceeds from His mouth. Obey whatever He tells you to do. When you do, you don’t have to ever fear that you’ve “missed it.”
Today, I’m going to make a conscious effort to speak kindly and patiently to my kids and my husband. I’m going to notice people, look them in the eye and offer encouragement. In honor of Noah.
How are you going to practice proper perspective today?
I will talk to God about how to rebuild relationship with my brother, who has chosen to estrange himself from all extended family due to his unforgiveness of his father (my step-dad). I will pray about it, let God give me a few idea, and then I will act on them.
Today is my husband's birthday as well. I'm convinced only amazing and exceptional people were born on this day. And today, in honor of Noah, I will be sure that tonight at (kidless)dinner I will intentionally tell my husband how much I love and appreciate him and all he does for us. I will also put aside my never ending list to snuggle with my kids this afternoon give them my full attention. Thank you for this post. You are in my prayers today friend.
Wonderful post and tribute to your son, Noah! I'm so sorry for your loss. Know that the Lord is using you even through this difficult experience. So much truth in the points you shared with us! This one resonated with me today: "And for those of us whose lives are fueled by productivity and efficiency, it’s tempting to put off people altogether in order to accomplish things. Today, remember that loving God and loving people is the most eternally productive way to live your life."
I just wrote a devo today on this very subject! Have a truly blessed day, Sandy! And know God's using you!
This weekend, I was a single mom (Craig was out of town) and somehow I was able to hear God's quiet voice that the messy house and undone work didn't matter as much as I thought I did. I was able to pour into my kids like I haven't been able to do in a long time. This post was such a confirmation of that and encouragement to continue on this same journey.
Thank you.
Beautiful post. I'm ashamed to say that I lose sight of it all the time. But, God's grace is sufficient, and each day is a blessing. I am blessed by your post and am going to meditate on it, and make an effort to re-focus my priorities. Happy Birthday Noah!
Oh Sandy, I hear you loud and clear. I only wish I lived closer to you as I'd be there to give you a hug and a shoulder to lean on. No words needed friend.
I cannot imagine having to deal with the death of a child or baby or whatever age they might be. My sister had 13 miscarriages and never was able to carry a baby to term. She has 13 babies in heaven.
Noah would be proud of his mama. Sandy, you are able to comfort others who also share the loss of a child. I think of Melanie of The Bella Mella. Words from me would not be able to console as I've never suffered that loss. I think of 2 Corinthians 1:4. God comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
I'm thinking of you and praying for you Sandy.
Love you,
Debbie
Thank you for sharing your son's birthday with us, and thank you for the reminder of what is truly important.
I'm shedding a few tears for Noah, for you, for instant perspective. I get this. The I got instant perspective in a cancer diagnosis part.
Sending mucho love and hugs your way. If I were sitting across the table from you drinking coffee, I wouldn't say anything, I'd be way too busy hugging you!!
Thinking of you today. I cannot imagine living through the loss of a child. Trusting God will use your testimony, and that of others, to bring me a better perspective on my life.
Thanks for your blog on this painful subject, Sandy. It triggered, or reminded me how important celebrations are. Celebrations like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries (even anniversaries of a death or loss) and Sundays.
Celebrations and traditions cause us to stop the necessary turning and churning patters of daily life, and help us focus on what really matters.
There is a blog award for you on my blog, but NO pressure to follow the rules. Just wanted to let you know I think you are awesome!
Thank you for sharing your heart and allowing God to use this to reach others. Going to hug my little people right now and lifting up a prayer for you.
Blessings on you, sweet Sandy.
Fondly,
Glenda
Thank you for sharing this. It is so very real, so very vulnerable, and so very true. I have taken it all to heart. Bless you, and bless little Noah.
I hope you don't mind my sharing this with you…it is the link to a friends' blog who is doing a project that you might be interested in, to minister to those who have lost a child. Her story is compelling as well and she is wanting to use her pain and the pain of others to minister. Here is the link: http://homemakingirl.blogspot.com/2010/05/shalom-big-dream.html
You are a very special lady. You share your loss with us and you views. I got alot of sight on how important we are to be in this world. Im sorry for your loss … but Im also thankful for your words. May God bless you and Happy 13th birthday , Noah. I know your having the best b-day possible. ~ winks ~ Have a beautiful day, Sandy.
Pam
We love you Aunt Sandy! Big hugs and slobbery kisses from Makayla coming your way 🙂
Thank you for reminding us about what truly matters. I am sorry you had to say good-bye to your son. Thank for pointing us towards God.