I’ll Take A Grande Random Post, Extra Meat, Hold the Sugar, Grains and Dairy

1. The Facebook sidebar ads keep sucking me in. So far, I’ve spent over $100 to find out “the one fat-burning secret you’re not hearing anywhere else.” Among my purchases is the 31 Day Fat Loss Cure, by Vic Magary. It cost me $40. And that was only because I kept refusing all the additional DVD’s and cookbooks and stuff on my way to the checkout. I’m thinking I could have easily spent over $100 by adding all these “limited time offers” to my virtual shopping cart. I have yet to figure out what the big secret is, though. It sounds a lot like “The Maker’s Diet,” and “Master Your Metabolism” and “The Zone” and “basically every diet that tells you to eat all natural foods, cut out sugar, grains and dairy and increase your fat intake.” It does come with a “money back guarantee” if I don’t “lose 10 pounds in 31 days AND have one hot guy or hot girl compliment me on my weight loss.” Now, that’s not something you’ll find in the Maker’s Diet. I don’t know if the “hot guy/girl” is subjective. What if someone compliments me and I don’t think they are “hot”? Do I still get my money back?

2. “I like to use quotation marks to emphasize things.” Like Pet Supplies “Plus.” The quotes there are very useful.  But I think it has more impact if you simultaneously make the “quote marks” with your “fingers.”

3. So, anyway, I’m cutting out sugar, grains and dairy for 31 days, hoping to discover some fat-burning secret along the way. And I’m eating more meat. Because I paid $40 for this, that’s why. Prior to this, I was eating meat about once a week, in the form of organic poultry. Now I’m eating meat at least twice a day. I’m gagging on meat, ya’ll. If this doesn’t work, I’m not sure what I’ll do next, but I promise you, it will involve less meat. And a “full refund.”

4. Full disclosure: I am having ½ cup of plain oatmeal immediately after my workouts, because I am weak and shaky and that just doesn’t seem good. And I’m having a tiny bit of half and half in my coffee with a tiny bit of raw, organic honey. Emphasis on “tiny.” Because black coffee or “no coffee” doesn’t seem good either.

5. In American Idol news, I’m super-sad Casey is gone. I love Casey. The talent in that man is un-be-stinkin-lievable! Almost every year, I am able to accurately predict the Top 4, and almost always the Top 2 contestants–usually around week 13. This year, I picked Casey and Pia to be in the top 4, for sure. They are both gone. What now? For one, I may have to renounce my title of “Accurate American Idol Picker.” For two, I think James may win. But I really hope it’s Haley. I love me some rock and roll—and James is adorable—but I do NOT like heavy metal. Or should I say “heavy metal.” It’s just “bad music.”

6. In local news, it’s officially the beginning of “Derby Week” in Louisville. Parties, concerts, a Marathon, a hot air balloon race. It’s out of control. If you aren’t from here, you won’t “get” all the “hoopla.” I’ve been here for almost 7 years, and I’m still not sure I “get it.” For you foreigners (those not from Louisville and the surrounding parts), the Kentucky Derby is bigger than Christmas. For example, public schools get the day before Derby off school (which is a Friday). But they don’t get Good Friday off school. Since my kids go to a Christian school, they not only have class in session on the Friday before Derby, but they have a week of MANDATORTY TESTING! As if to say, “We will NOT, under any circumstances, give kids the day off for a sinful horse race which promotes gambling and other worldly ruckus.” Emphasis on “ruckus.”

7. So, I’m going to Derby. (We just call it “Derby.” Not “The Kentucky Derby” or “The Derby.” Just “Derby.”) People will actually greet you by saying, “Happy Derby.” I told you, it’s out of control.

8. In fact, my husband works for a hospital system which throws a giant fancy-shmancy party, right there at Churchill Downs (where “Derby” is held), on Derby Eve-Eve. So, I need two dresses and a hat. One for the party and one for Derby. Which I plan to purchase this weekend. And I’m really excited about that, because I haven’t bought me a pretty new dress in quite some time. And really, when else do you have opportunity to wear a hat? Unless you are having tea and crumpets at a coffee shoppe.

9. I hope they serve lots of meat at the fancy-schmancy party. Hmmmmmm. Meat.

10. Oh…and the royal wedding. I should probably care about that, but I really don’t.

11. And the week after the fancy-schmancy, hat-wearing hoopla, we are hosting two orphans and their adult chaperon from Haiti for one night in our home. These sweet orphans are coming to town for the Adoption Summit I told you about last week. They are singing in a choir and need a place to stay for the night while they are here. I get to pick them up, feed them dinner, give them a warm bed, feed them breakfast and lunch, and send them off to sing. When I heard about this opportunity, I couldn’t reply “YES” fast enough. There is nothing on this earth that moves me more than children who have no parents and no home. If these kids are adoptable, they just may be stuck with us forever. I’ve been teary-eyed for days, just thinking about it.

12. My kids are also super excited. They’ve been bugging us to adopt another child for about 2 years now. That is, until I told them they’d all have to give up their beds for one night and sleep on the couches in the basement while the orphans are here. Their immediate responses in order, and I quote:

a. “Ugggghhh!”


b. “Can’t I just sleep with them!”


c. “I hate the basement”

13. My response to the kids, “These children have no parents and no home. You will give them your bed for one night. This is the Gospel. The end.”

14. This experience is sure to balance out my sinful worldly ruckus of the week prior.

15. I hope Haiti orphans like meat for dinner.  And breakfast.  And lunch.

16. Speaking of balance, I told you about the series that I’m going to be teaching at my church on balance, right? Yeah, so, tell me, when will I learn not to agree to teach on a subject unless I’m fully prepared to be TESTED in that very area?! Don’t you know, since I said “yes” to the teaching gig, my house has steadily deteriorated, my laundry has piled up by baskets and baskets, I’ve missed days of working out AND my husband and I have had nary a conversation other than “I made more meat for dinner.” All of this just screams balance, doesn’t it? I have got to start outsmarting the evil minions at work here. So, I’ve already decided, for my next series, I’m teaching on “How to GAIN weight, have a HORRIBLE marriage and raise SELF-CENTERED and REBELLIOUS children, in your CLUTTERED and UNVACUUMED home.” Certainly, this will confuse the evil minions and my life will be “balanced.” In “quotes.”

Have a great weekend!

“Go MEAT!”