These are the commands, decrees and laws I, Fitness Friday Girl, teach you to observe in the land as you strive to live a life of health and fitness. They are given you so that you and your children and their children after them will keep all the commands and decrees that I give you, and so you may enjoy long life. Hear, O Blog Reader, be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and you may not increase in weight or sickness and that you may thrive in the land flowing with skim milk and honey, just as I, Fitness Friday Girl, promised you.
I. . Remember to commit everything, especially your health and fitness, to the Lord your God. Do not be afraid to ask God for help when you are tempted to lie on the couch and consume the pan of brownies. The Lord your God cares about your health. Commit your plans to the Lord and your thoughts will be established and your plans will succeed.
II. You shall eat a diet rich with every kind of fruit and vegetable created by God. Eat them with every meal and with every snack. When your produce drawer runs dry, have frozen produce on hand. Never be without fruits and vegetables. Be creative in your preparation and find tastes and textures that are pleasing to your pallet, so that you not crave the French fry or the potato chip.
III. You shall eat a diet rich in whole grains and lean proteins. Man should not live by white bread and white rice alone. Flee from the fatted calf , the pot-bellied pig and whatever animal yields hot dogs. Do not deep-fry your food, but grill, bake or broil instead. For if you continue to eat these things, you shall surely need to buy bigger jeans.
IV. Do not consume artificial sweeteners, hydrogenated oils or highly processed foods with preservatives, additives and neon colors. Do not be deceived. These foods are false foods. They were not created by God, but by a guy in a white jacket within a chemistry lab. They are not appropriate for human consumption. Flee them so that you may live long on this earth.
V. When determining what to consume, do not rely on calories alone. Low calorie foods can deceive you into thinking you are making the healthy choice. Better to choose the most nutrient dense food—the food with the most vitamins, minerals, protein or fiber—rather than the one with least calories.
VI. Drink water. Drink water when you rise and before you lie down. When you walk along the road and before you eat a meal. Drink at least 64 ounces of purified water per day.
VII. Remember the Sabbath and to get a good night’s sleep each and every night. Sleep deprivation makes you sluggish, mentally dull and overweight.
VIII. Watch and pray about your portion sizes. When you were a slave to food, you ate whatever Applebee’s put before you. You feasted at the $10.99 All-You-Can-Eat fried shrimp buffet. But you, Oh Blog Reader, are now free. You are no longer slaves, but have been given the spirit of self-control. You must discern what is a proper portion and pay no attention to the heathens who would try to lead you astray, for I am Fitness Friday Girl.
IX. Remember to exercise with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength. Daily cardiovascular exercise strengthens the heart and burns fat. If you do not want to become like the fatted calf or pot-bellied pig, you must exercise.
X. Bind weights to your arms and legs so that you may partake in resistance training. Optimum health requires that you build muscle mass. Muscle mass raises your metabolism and causes your entire body to burn calories more efficiently. Women, do not fear bulking up. God has not given you enough testosterone to produce such manly muscle mass. Trust Fitness Friday Girl.
These commands that I give you today are for the good of your hearts. Impress them upon your children, even when they whine for more cookies or refuse to step away from the Wii so that they may go outside and ride their bikes. Talk about them when you sit at home, when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
In the future when your son asks you, “What is the meaning of all these stipulations?” tell him,
“We were once slaves of food and laziness , but Fitness Friday Girl gave us these decrees so that we might have health and strength and live long on this earth.”
Fitness Friday Girl has proclaimed these laws this day. Barring any terrible computer clitch, they are forever set on this blog, and will someday be in the archives.
Yeah and Amen.