When Expectations Are Not Reality {Finding Your Summer Balance, Week 4}
It’s mid-July. About a month ago my kids got out of school. About a month from now, they will go back.
That means one thing: halftime.
I never participated in competitive sports growing up, so at the risk of butchering a perfectly legitimate sports analogy, let me tell you what I think happens at halftime: The team goes into the locker room to rest and regroup. The coach reviews what has happened thus far, draws some circles and arrows on the chalkboard, pats them on the butt, yells at them a little, and then gives the team a pep talk with instructions on how to finish strong. I believe they also drink Gatorade.
Today I woke up feeling like I need some time in the locker room to rest and regroup. See, what I expected this summer to be and what this summer has actually been are NOT THE SAME THING. For example:
What I expected: to go to the pool most days, sit in a chair and read books with a giant bottle of ice-water next to me, and look up occasionally to see my children happily frolicking in the water. I purchased a pool membership and maybe 5 books, give-or-take, to read by the pool.
Reality: I’ve been to the pool thrice in the last 6 weeks. I brought the same book each time. I never took the book out of my bag. Sometimes I read that same book before bed. I have yet to finish the first book.
What I expected: to get up early every morning and write until noon. I planned to post something here on the blog once a week, write to my email list once a week, do a Facebook Live every Friday, and complete the edits on my Bible study (which is due to be released this Fall.)
Reality: Week 1 looked exactly like I planned–Go me! Week 2 I posted twice, but skipped the FB Live and the edits–Good effort! Week 3–I don’t even know, man.
What I expected: farmer’s market, fresh produce, grilled meats…easy, healthy, relaxed dinners with the family on the back porch most nights.
Reality: Boxed mac & cheese. Peanut butter on a spoon. Cheese sticks. Dry cereal. Take-out. Honestly, I’m not sure if or when my family has eaten. Left to their own devices, they usually resort to chips.
What I expected: to take my eldest daughter shopping for cute bed sheets and a tiny fridge and a new laptop for her college dorm room, and then tearfully launch her to college in August.
Reality: On the last day of high school, my daughter announced that she has decided to take a gap year. Instead of college, she intends to get a full time job and work for a year while living in her own apartment. This has made me very anxious because this came out of nowhere. I realize college is one of many viable pathways to adulthood. It’s just that she has scholarships and a roommate and AP credits…I want to be supportive, but honestly, I’m still in denial about it all (I have yet to notify the university with the hopes she’ll suddenly change her mind!). I don’t really know what reality is or what it should be right now.
What I expected: to prepare for a Fall launch of our church’s new women’s ministry by reading a few leadership books and making weekly lunch dates with key women in my congregation to listen to their hearts and discover how I can best serve them.
Reality: Nope.
What I expected: to spend 30 minutes, or so, each day working on the Michael Hyatt book-publishing course I purchased in the spring.
Reality: Oh crap. I totally forgot about that Michael Hyatt course!
And of course, I did not expect to spend days at my dying father’s bedside, nor did I expect that my daughter would get into a car accident and total her car (the very next day–no serious injuries, thank God). Furthermore, I did not expect that this summer would be hard and sad and stressful. Truth be told, I’m feeling a little roughed up.
It’s halftime, you guys.
I’m in the locker room, trying to make sense of the first half before I go back out there and do it all again. It’s time to take a look at my calendar, my goals, my expectations, and my reality. I want to make some changes so I can finish this summer strong. I still have an entire month to do so.
And so do you.
Maybe you are crushing your summer goals. Maybe this summer is everything you hoped it would be–or BETTER than you hoped it would be. I’ve had summers like that, too. They’re the BEST, right? If that’s you, let me be the first one to pat you on the butt and hand you a cold Gatorade. Way to go! Keep it up, you’re doing great!
But, if you’re like me–muddy and bruised and tired, not sure what the heck just happened out on that field–join me in resting and regrouping. It may be time to ramp up our offensive line. (Do I sound sporty? I don’t even know if I’m using the correct terms any more.)
In my endless quest to live a well-balanced life, I have discovered that the best way to recover from an extreme and difficult season is to push hard in the opposite direction.
For me, that means
clearing my July calendar of everything that does not breathe life into me
allowing myself time to grieve the death of my dad and the sudden emancipation of my now-adult daughter (two things I did not expect and cannot control)
family vacation at the beach
readjusting my goals and expectations for the remainder of the summer
fresh produce 🙂
***
I began the push-back today. I wiggled out of a few commitments that were very good, but not good for me right now. I took some time to get caught up on normal, everyday things like laundry and dishes (this makes me feel so centered). I took the kids to the pool for an hour. I bought some fresh peaches and served them with tonight’s dinner (a dinner I actually cooked). I snuck my teenage son out for a surprise ice cream treat.
It’s not perfect–life rarely is–but it’s a step in the right direction.
Summer’s not over, team. We still have a chance to finish strong. Now go out there and CRUSH IT.
*pats all the readers on the butt*
Q4U: How’s your summer going and what, if anything, do you need to change to find your summer balance?
My sincere condolences on the loss of your father. We lost my husband’s mother in January and I know how hard it is.
We haven’t even begun summer holidays yet here in England. There’s another week to go! I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to it or not. I just hope I’m feeling a bit better by then. I’ve been poorly for about a month – first I had mastitis, which completely took me by surprise seeing as I last breastfed 11 years ago! I was really quite unwell with it. And now I have a bladder infection, just for extra fun o_O
If you’re halfway through school holidays after six weeks, how many weeks do you have in total? Ours is 6 1/2 weeks, from the end of July to the beginning of September. There are 38 school weeks of the year in total.
Anyway, I hope you are able to regroup and enjoy the rest of your summer break!
Thanks so much. 🙂 I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well. I had no idea your summer schedule is so different from ours in the U.S. Actually, when I look at my calendar, we have 11 weeks of summer vacation. Technically, I’m in the middle of week 7, so my kids have about 4 weeks left. Not exactly half time, but time enough for me to finish strong. Many U.S.schools get out of school in mid-June and go back end of August or beginning of September. We get out end of May and go back beginning of August. It always feels too early. But I believe we have a shorter summer because we get some mini-breaks in the Fall and late Winter.
Time enough to finish strong, indeed! After cleaning the bathroom and doing a load of laundry I realised I am still under par so I am resting until it’s time to do the school run. Praying you will finish strong and asking for prayer that I’ll finish the school year stronger and enter the summer break with energy and enthusiasm. God is always good, even when life is hard 🙂
I’m so sorry you lost your father — please know that you are always in my prayers — lots of love
Also, taking time to process and grieve is actually super productive — squashing feelings/thoughts is a recipe for repression and depression.
Yikes on the car accident — I’m so glad she’s okay!
If it helps, I’m trying to talk my APer into taking a gap year! Work history is uber important in this over-achieving college kid environment right now when it comes to getting your first job and learning how to manage money, work ethic, etc etc is a good thing.
Chances are she switches up her major and career path, too….
You are doing such a wonderful job and are an amazingly gifted writer. I love how this post is laid out, and if it helps in any way, I am on your team and am rooting for you and am really proud of all you have accomplished in this first half. oxoxox
You have clear expectations for the summer. I feel that you are doing a great job as a mom and should be patted on the butt for having a plan and giving thought to what you would like for your summer to look like. With those expectations in place, you should come closer to achieving positive results than those without any purpose. If you fail to set goals, then you don’t know where you are going. You have had a couple of unexpected bumps in the road that have taken you off course, but the amazing thing is that you took the time to give thought to making summer a meaningful experience, not just for yourself but for your beautiful children as well. It’s halftime right now. You have time to pick up that ball and run with it. As you grieve the loss of your sweet daddy, you still have time to meet some of those expectations. You are to be commended! Great job! Can’t wait to see how the remaining summer unfolds!
So sorry for the loss of your father Sandy! That is so hard. Thanks for your transparency and being real with us! With all of the perfect summer posts on Instagram and Facebook, its as if I must be the only one who is struggling to even make it to the grocery…instead of the IGA. haha! (and I don’t think Ive turned on the stove since May!ha!) Like you, I had so many ideas and plans of how this summer was going to be productive…and relaxing. Just at the right time! haha! Then life happens and interrupts those plans. I, too, had a sudden loss a few weeks ago that shocked our family. My favorite aunt passed suddenly, just a few months after my uncle. (her husband). It’s been rough and not how I wanted my summer to go. I know God is teaching me patience and trust through all of this! And I have to remember good can still come out of tragedy. I can’t say the whole summer has been rotten…there have been many sprinkles of joy along the way. And that is what I focus on. Thanks for post, its good to know us women all experience struggles and broken plans! None of us are exempt from pain but God is always there through it all. Keep being real, being you!
We recently returned from an amazing 2 week vacation in Colorado and I used that time to regroup. A few days after that, my 15 year old son competed in the US Nationals Rubik’s Cube Competition in Ft. Wayne so he and I were there for 3 days. It was a fabulous opportunity to spend time with him while watching him do something he loves and is very good at. In 3 weeks I’m going to have a hysterectomy so I’m trying to prepare, not only mentally but by getting things done around the house.
About 2 weeks after my surgery, I will officially have all 4 of my kids in high school. A senior, a sophomore and twins who will be freshmen. I’ve essentially decided to focus a majority of my energy on them since I know the next 4 years will seem so brief. My estranged father passed away in March and my sister decided that she wants no contact with me or my kids because she doesn’t agree with some decisions I made about his estate, even though she said she didn’t want to deal with any of it. Having said all that, I guess it’s been kind of a roller coaster around here but I know that I’m doing the right things. It’s all good.
Hi Sandy
You know, perhaps living off mac n cheese and spoonful’s of peanut butter, not finishing the book and being behind on your studies was actually exactly the right place to be this holiday. Because if you had achieved your expectations you wouldn’t have been spending so much time with your precious father. I lost my mother a while back, time then is about ‘time’. And you know what sometimes (for six weeks) mac n cheese, is good enough, and good enough is fine.
So to the next six weeks, of rebuilding and reflecting, rediscovering what makes you whole, and being you. My love, thoughts and prayers are with you.
My summer is not going well yet. I was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer in May. Had a lumpectomy and lymph nodes removed June 21. Pathology shows no cancer in lymph nodes and clear margins around lump. So Thank God! I do not have to undergo chemo but start radiation treatments the end of July. Going to squeeze in a family vacation to visit my son and daughter in law in St. Louis next week. I have not been able to spend much time with my grandchildren.
My husband and I have been taking turns living with my mother in law who has vascular dementia, so we have not been together as much as we have needed to be. She will be moving to assisted living in August. So far she is excited about the move; hoping we get her moved while that is still her attitude. Then we can clean out he house she has lived in for 30 years and sell it.
I hope you have a better last half of your summer. Sorry for the loss of your father. The world never seems as safe after you lose a parent.
HI Sandy,
My deepest condolences on the loss of your day. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I loved this post. Such a powerful message. Finding balance in the calm times is one thing, finding it in the turbulence quite another. Thanks for the wonderful reminder. I agree with Steph – you are a very gifted writer. Look forward to reading more.
Holy cats, Sandy! Lots going on. I know I have mentioned before, but I’m so very sorry for the loss of your dad. He sounds like an amazing man full of wonderful qualities.
The teenage years can really throw us for a loop, can’t they? I will be praying for Rebekah in this season of life. It sounds like she has a well thought out plan, and there are lots of good things about taking a break from the academic process. One of my kids (who hasn’t even started high school yet) has mentioned this idea, and I think it can be a positive alternative with lots of options available.
To be honest, I didn’t plan out much for the summer other than vacation, kids camps, and how to get them all the places they need to be with work and everything thrown in. I figured that was enough, lol! Not ready for summer to end, but when school starts, all 3 kids will leave house at same time and that leaves me nearly 3 hours prior to going into work on my scheduled days. So…..kind of looking forward to making a plan to b e productive with that time, but not sure how it will look.
Love reading your posts, as always. You are doing a great job at life – even it sometimes it’s hard to see all the pieces come together. Have a great weekend with your family!!
Dear Sandy, I am in love with the way you soulfully write! My deepest condolences to your father. True we cannot control things but we can control our thoughts and emotions. I am thankful that I am not the only one who suffers from failing from living up-to my own expectations , but yes! Summer is not over team and there are more summers to come and overcome. Thank you for sharing , would love to keep up with you in hopes of bettering my goals along the way! Pat on the butt! xx