If my children want to find and meet their birthparents, I will do what I can to make that happen. I realize there are risks involved—not so much with their physical safety, but more so with their emotional well-being. I know coming face-to-face with the mother and father who chose to give them away could have an enormous emotional impact on my kids.
This is Part Thirteen of a series on Adoption called Everything I Want You to Know About Adoption. To see the links to each individual post in this series, click the “adoption” tab on the nav bar at the top of the blog, or click here.
However, adoption is part of their history. They have biological parents—who are NOT me and Jon. That’s just a fact. I think they deserve to know whatever they want to know when they are mature enough to handle it.
In the case of Elijah’s birthparents, Elijah has expressed a desire (repeatedly) to meet them someday. I will fully support a future meeting with Elijah and his birthparents (probably as a teen or an adult), based on the history of our interactions in the last 10 years.
When we first met them, they were likeable individuals who were simply unable to raise a baby. Over the years, they have respected our privacy and never threatened our security in any way. If they had acted inappropriately at any point, perhaps I’d feel differently about a future meeting. We’ve been very fortunate, so far.
In Elliana’s case, we do plan to visit Guatemala again when she is older. I would love to see her foster mother again, if that is possible. I would love to meet her birth mother, too. In fact, I look forward to the day Elliana experiences all Guatemala is—both the beauty and the poverty. I think all of this will help her understand why her birthmother could not keep her and, perhaps, fill in some missing pieces of her story.
Question: Aren’t you scared the birthparents will want their children back or that your children will want to live with them?
I settled in my heart at the outset of our adoption journey that I would refuse to be fearful about any of it, including all the “what-ifs” of birthparent contact. I made a very conscious decision to trust God to protect our family—and that includes protecting my children from being snatched or harmed by a deranged birthparent.
That said, part of trusting God for His protection is trusting in His ability to speak to my heart if my children are in danger. I believe that if my children were truly in danger because of certain steps we decided to take to expose them to anyone (including their birthparents), the Lord would prompt us to take another path.
And yes, I realize that sometimes very bad things happen to children. Even children of faithful Christians. Remember, I am the mother of a deceased child. I am not naive to the possibilities. To the contrary, I am choosing to walk in faith BECAUSE OF of the possibilities.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about me and my fears, anyway. It’s about my children and what is best for them. As they grow, mature and develop in character, Jon and I will be able to better discern what is best for them in terms of future contact. When they are adults, we will be in a great position to guide and assist them, should they need us to process the realities of their biological origin.
Thank you, thank you, thank you…to everyone who commented either here or on Facebook, as well as those who sent me private e-mails with your adoption questions and stories. I have compiled a prayer list based on our contact, and I will continue to lift you up in prayer daily. If you know of anyone who would benefit from the information in this series, I would greatly appreciate if you would direct them here.