“Keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.” Jude 1:21
I am having one of those days…one of those weeks, really. Where I look around me and sense I’m out of step. Where I’m frustrated too easily and offended too often. Where I feel unloved, unappreciated and invisible. Where I feel like I’m not trying hard enough or thinking long enough, yet at the very same time, I’m trying too hard and thinking too long. Where I wake up tired in anticipation of all the trying and thinking.
My perfectionist tendencies are on overdrive, analyzing my prayer life, my sleep habits and my diet. The irony being that intense self-examination only brings my imperfections into greater focus. And there is nothing quite as unattractive as a person who is hyper-focused on her imperfections. I’m getting on my own nerves.
Sometimes I wonder if I am the only stay-at-home mom who fails to find lasting fulfillment in developing a system to keep on top of the laundry or making sure everyone has eaten vegetables today. If I’m the only woman who feels lonely, even though I’m never, ever alone. Ever. If I’m the only one who longs for someone to truly “get” me, instead of feeling like I’m always trying to explain what I meant when I said “thus and so.”
I can’t put my finger on it, but some days I just want more…or is it less? More attention. More success. More excitement. More understanding. More love. Less attention. Less success. Less excitement. Less clutter. Less stuff. All of those things. None of those things. I don’t know. I don’t even know what I want, I just know, despite having more than I ever dreamed I would have, I still don’t have what I long for the most.
“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world” ~C.S. Lewis
I heard this quote this morning in church. It was the third time this week God spoke this into my life: once in a book, once on a friend’s Facebook status, and once through my pastor. And it resonated more with me each time. God did not create me for this world. It’s okay that I lack. It’s okay that I long. It’s okay that I desire the indescribable, the unattainable. I will never find it here.
I’m so grateful that I serve a God who knows me intimately, yet loves me in spite of myself. Who created me with this crazy, conflicting temperament; one that loves to dwell alone in the deep, contemplative places of my heart, yet feels left out when others run off to socialize, leaving me to be deep and contemplative, alone. One that is intensely needy and fiercely independent at the exact same time. One that stands firm in the face of opposition yet crumbles at the slightest hint of rejection. Self confident and insecure all rolled into one.
I’m so thankful I don’t have to explain all of that to Jesus. He knows me. He gets me. He loves me. He made me.
I am looking forward to so many things about heaven. But today, I look forward most to being completely understood and loved for all eternity without having to say a word. Without trying or thinking or striving. Without expressing the need. Just complete in His love. Forever.
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.” (Psalm 73:25)