Ramblings of My Unfulfilled Self
“Keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.” Jude 1:21
I am having one of those days…one of those weeks, really. Where I look around me and sense I’m out of step. Where I’m frustrated too easily and offended too often. Where I feel unloved, unappreciated and invisible. Where I feel like I’m not trying hard enough or thinking long enough, yet at the very same time, I’m trying too hard and thinking too long. Where I wake up tired in anticipation of all the trying and thinking.
My perfectionist tendencies are on overdrive, analyzing my prayer life, my sleep habits and my diet. The irony being that intense self-examination only brings my imperfections into greater focus. And there is nothing quite as unattractive as a person who is hyper-focused on her imperfections. I’m getting on my own nerves.
Sometimes I wonder if I am the only stay-at-home mom who fails to find lasting fulfillment in developing a system to keep on top of the laundry or making sure everyone has eaten vegetables today. If I’m the only woman who feels lonely, even though I’m never, ever alone. Ever. If I’m the only one who longs for someone to truly “get” me, instead of feeling like I’m always trying to explain what I meant when I said “thus and so.”
I can’t put my finger on it, but some days I just want more…or is it less? More attention. More success. More excitement. More understanding. More love. Less attention. Less success. Less excitement. Less clutter. Less stuff. All of those things. None of those things. I don’t know. I don’t even know what I want, I just know, despite having more than I ever dreamed I would have, I still don’t have what I long for the most.
“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world” ~C.S. Lewis
I heard this quote this morning in church. It was the third time this week God spoke this into my life: once in a book, once on a friend’s Facebook status, and once through my pastor. And it resonated more with me each time. God did not create me for this world. It’s okay that I lack. It’s okay that I long. It’s okay that I desire the indescribable, the unattainable. I will never find it here.
I’m so grateful that I serve a God who knows me intimately, yet loves me in spite of myself. Who created me with this crazy, conflicting temperament; one that loves to dwell alone in the deep, contemplative places of my heart, yet feels left out when others run off to socialize, leaving me to be deep and contemplative, alone. One that is intensely needy and fiercely independent at the exact same time. One that stands firm in the face of opposition yet crumbles at the slightest hint of rejection. Self confident and insecure all rolled into one.
I’m so thankful I don’t have to explain all of that to Jesus. He knows me. He gets me. He loves me. He made me.
I am looking forward to so many things about heaven. But today, I look forward most to being completely understood and loved for all eternity without having to say a word. Without trying or thinking or striving. Without expressing the need. Just complete in His love. Forever.
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.” (Psalm 73:25)
This is so amazing, Sandy. I love the quote by CS Lewis — it really spoke to my heart and brought a sense of calm to by spirit, that is currently in hyper-drive.
"My perfectionist tendencies are on overdrive, analyzing my prayer life, my sleep habits and my diet. The irony being that intense self-examination only brings my imperfections into greater focus. And there is nothing quite as unattractive as a person who is hyper-focused on her imperfections. I'm getting on my own nerves."
Oh my gosh. I can so relate. Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.
It's like you're inside my head again. Goodness, it's noisy in here, isn't it?!?!?
Yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean. And I've been thinking/feeling all these things the past couple of months but didn't know how to express them – and I end up feeling guilty or ungrateful for what I have and wondering what's wrong with me. This is a great perspective!
Thanks for letting God use you to speak to others!
I love you girl!
I so get what you're saying, Sandy. I've been feeling like that for YEARS. But you're right–it's that longing for heaven. Great post.
I "get" you. 🙂
I was gonna write this this morning but I got interrupted.
I'd sacrifice a laundry system or fresh veggies to sit on your couch and let the kids run wild while we drank some good coffee. I so get you. xoxo
Amen, Sister! You nailed it! Thanks for sharing. I wish I had been able to read that this last spring. You were able to put into words some of what I was feeling without quite realizing it at the time. I love C.S. Lewis. I REALLY love when God sends you the same message in different ways just to make sure we get it.
I wrote something similar in my journal last year…to the effect that what it is I ultimately long for will not be found in this life. I think God designed this life to be like that on purpose. If we got too comfortable here, we would not press into Him and know intimacy with Him. He wants to be the one to fulfill our deepest longings.
(((hugs))) and blessings to you!
A great post…and expressed my thoughts on many weeks….Do I want more or less…
Love your blog
me too. I have missed u – I really get this blog! You put into words what I can't seem to understand myself!! Which is even MORE frustrating — that I can't seem to express or understand what I wish OTHERS would understand 🙂
I praise Him with you that we are not satisfied here. many times I'll doubt it and think I'm just going through depression.. but then I'm reminded of the things you wrote here – I am not designed to be satisfied here. I thank God He loves me enough to allow me that thirst that is meant for HIM to satisfy. I hope He never takes it away. seems twisted but it's true.
I have come across many other women who are so perfectly content and satisfied in their housekeeping or whatever else and I just think wow… I am so different – designed in a different way. And then I feel bad for them for settling for the crumbs when the feast is in our future! I am thankful that He doesn't let me settle and that He helps me long for HIM.
I tried to post about 10 times and it said busy – sorry if it shows up 10 times! 🙂
Thanks for sharing.
It's ok, i actually DO understand you coz you sound like me!!!!
I feel the same.
God told me today "You're rich in other ways"
I dont feel like it right now but cant fight God hey LOL he talks truth!!!!
Even so, Lord Jesus, come . . .
Longing with you,